61. Why Conflict Resolution Isn't About Communication Techniques
Have you ever noticed that no matter how many relationship books you read or communication workshops you attend, you still end up having the same fights? That's because we've been approaching conflict all wrong. The "when you do X, I feel Y" statements aren't fixing the real problem underneath.
We're here to blow your mind with this truth: conflict resolution isn't primarily about communication techniques—it's about understanding your nervous system. When tension builds and disagreements happen, your body isn't reacting to the current situation. It's responding to everything it has ever learned about what conflict means to you.
This changes everything about how we approach disagreements. Your autonomic nervous system doesn't distinguish between physical danger and emotional danger. It doesn't care that you're just arguing about the dishes or a work deadline—it only cares about what conflict has meant for you in the past. Once you understand your default nervous system patterns (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), you can start shifting conflict at the source instead of just putting nice words on the same old reactions.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How to identify whether you default to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses during conflict.
Why your body reacts so strongly to disagreements even when your brain knows they're not catastrophic.
How past experiences create nervous system blueprints that determine your current conflict patterns.
The reason communication techniques fail when your nervous system is in survival mode.
How to regulate your nervous system first before attempting to communicate better.
How to create relationships where both people understand their nervous systems and can regulate together through difficult moments.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Okay, we need to get real about something that can absolutely make or break your relationships: how you show up to conflict.
Nina: Yeah, at home, at work, with your friends, conflict is inevitable.
Kelle: Here's our take that might just change everything. Conflict resolution isn't about better communication techniques. Full stop.
Nina: It's about understanding your nervous system. If you're nodding your head because every disagreement with your partner turns into an emotional marathon where you both end up exhausted. If you keep having the same argument just with different words with colleagues. And if you walk away from fights feeling worse, not better, you are not alone, right Kelle?
Kelle: Yes. And listen, no amount of “I statements” or reflecting, listening exercises is going to fix what's happening underneath.
Nina: Listen up because this is important. Conflict patterns can change, but only if you're willing to understand what's happening in your body first and then change your responses. And that work? It goes way deeper than just choosing better words.
Kelle: All right, this one is gold. Let's get started. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. Let's blow some minds here, Kelle. Those couples who read all the relationship books, those people who take all the conflict resolution workshops at work, who practice their "when you do X, I feel Y" statements with their kids, partners, colleagues? They're still having the same problems with conflict.
Kelle: What about the ones that read like the first 10 or 15 pages of the book, Nina?
Nina: And then close it. Yeah. Yeah, they're getting a sampling, and then they're still having problems with conflict, right?
Kelle: Right. Right. Because fancy communication techniques are just putting a band-aid on a nervous system issue. Right?
Nina: Yeah, some people fight about big things: money, values, trust. Huge things. Others fight about small things: loading the dishwasher, email misspellings, how to serve the client best, or how their partner breathed just a little too loud last night. We see you.
Kelle: Okay. My husband, he wants to describe directions in like on the east side of the street or on the west side of the street. Or, you know, the north side of the house.
Nina: Can you just use right or left? Yeah.
Kelle: And I'm just so confused and he just will not let it go. And I'm just like, okay, whatever you say. I don't even know. And he'll try to reinforce to me and I'm just like, you lost me at East, okay, dude?
Back to it though. Okay, some people though, Nina, they just don't fight at all, right? They just stew in silent resentment, wondering why people can't magically read their mind.
Nina: And because we love a note of hope, we'll add that some people don't fight because they seriously don't have anything to fight about. But it's not because they're communication experts. It's because they're grounded in their nervous system regulation practices.
Kelle: Yeah, they're living interdependently, and when stuff comes up, they chat it out not because they're using the right words, but because their bodies feel safe enough to stay engaged.
Nina: This is so key. I hope everyone's understanding what we're saying here because when I think about conflict, like I start seeing red and I get prickly even thinking about it, right? But what happens here is they bend to meet each other without self-abandoning because their nervous systems can handle the discomfort. As we dive into what goes wrong, remember that this exists too.
Kelle: And it doesn't have to happen with a romantic partner, right? When you understand your own nervous system default patterns, you can show up to conflict in a grounded way even when they can't. You can create solutions even when they're disregulated.
Nina: Here's what usually happens, right? Tension builds, conflict happens, and instead of feeling closer or resolved by the end, you feel exhausted, stuck, and sometimes even more disconnected or misunderstood than when you started.
Kelle: And, you know, I'm thinking right here, and I think that they think, “if only I could communicate better,” but that's missing the entire point.
Nina: What's really happening? Why does your body react so strongly to something as normal as disagreement? And more importantly, how do you stop feeling like every fight is either World War III or a slow-moving disaster?
Kelle: Yeah, because here's the thing, Rock Stars, conflict isn't just about communication. It's primarily about your nervous system.
Nina: This changes everything.
Kelle: Yeah, it really does. Your brain might know intellectually that you're just disagreeing about the laundry or schedules, or who's on the deadline. Your brain might know that your partner or colleague isn't actually abandoning you just because they don't agree. Your brain might even know that this is a moment, not a catastrophe.
Nina: But your nervous system? It's already on high alert, right? Mhm. Because your nervous system isn't tracking the logic, it's tracking the risk.
Kelle: Yeah, can we just underline that? Right?
Nina: So let's keep going here. This is so cool. Your autonomic nervous system, your ANS, the part responsible for survival, your monkey brain, you've heard us call it the toddler brain. Whatever you'd like to call it is constantly scanning for safety or threat. And it does not distinguish between physical danger and emotional danger.
Kelle: For sure. It does not care that this is just an argument about a mistake with a client. It doesn't care that this isn't the end of your relationship or if it is, right? If it is. It only cares about what conflict has meant for you in the past.
Nina: This is so interesting, right?
Kelle: So interesting. These patterns, right? So if you grew up in a home where conflict meant yelling and insults and slamming doors and walking on eggshells, your nervous system learned to brace for impact.
Nina: Okay, Kel, you totally called me out on this last week, right? Because I kept repeating that I was bracing for this one particular thing, right? And you were like, why do you have to brace yourself?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, you kept bracing. And it's so true. It's an indicator, right? If past relationships taught you that conflict led to emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, or punishment, your body learned that arguments equal abandonment.
Nina: I just need to triple underline that. If you had to keep the peace to stay safe, your body learned that losing a fight was dangerous. And now every disagreement feels wildly high stakes.
Kelle: Okay, can anyone else relate here? This is like such a truth bomb.
Nina: Yeah. So even when your brain knows this is just a conversation, your body reacts as if your entire connection is on the line. This is why fights can feel so intense even when they shouldn't.
Kelle: Yeah, I remember back in the day when I would have a fight with my spouse. This goes way back, but I would like leave, in my mind. I'd be like, okay, this is the final straw. We are done. We are done, right? And I, through therapy, I found out that was not the best way to go through fights, like thinking, okay, this is it.
Nina: Because you've checked out. You can't even come to a compromise when you've already left. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Kelle: Yeah, in my mind, I was gone.
Nina: Yeah.
Kelle: And this is why you find yourself getting defensive before the other person has even finished their sentence. This is why you shut down or overexplain or explode. I mean, pick your poison here. Even when you desperately want to stay present and calm.
Nina: Present and calm and collaborative, I want to add, right? I mean, you want to figure it out, but you're just in fight or flight.
Kelle: Or not because you're just like, I'm out, right?
Nina: Totally. But because beautiful human, your body isn't reacting to what's happening now. That's what's going on here. Your body isn't reacting to what's happening now in this moment. It's reacting to everything it's ever learned about what conflict means.
Kelle: Yeah, this is why your partner can say literally one wrong word and it feels like an emotional gut punch. Why a conversation about something as boring as the dishes or whether you're talking about north or east can somehow feel like it's about your entire worth.
Nina: Oh my god, I can only imagine the stories in your head when Mike's talking about east and west, right? Totally. Like, am I, am I missing something? Am I smart? Am I dumb? Right? Like is he's like…
Kelle: No, I'm just like, we've had this conversation a thousand times. Do you really want to do this again? Let's go.
Nina: Yeah, and he is. He's doing it again. Because listen, your body isn't responding to their words, right, Kelle? You're not responding to Mike's words. Your body's responding to every unresolved fight you've ever had with them and everyone who came before them.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. This isn't just about today's argument. It's about everything your nervous system has been holding on to for literally years.
Nina: And this doesn't just show up in romantic relationships. If you've ever felt like you're fighting the same fight with your parents, your kids, your bestie. That client, we all know that client, right? Guess what? That is your nervous system too, not a communication problem.
Kelle: I mean, I'm just gonna say not our clients because our clients are amazing. We love all of our clients. We have never had like a fight with one client, right?
Nina: Right. Not our clients. Good call.
Kelle: Okay, so maybe you get instantly defensive when your mom gives "helpful" feedback. Oh, you could have ironed that shirt, right? No amount of communication training will stop that instant body response because somewhere deep down, your nervous system remembers what it felt like to never be good enough in her eyes.
Nina: Yeah, maybe your teenager's attitude makes you snap before you even realize what's happening. Because the tone of their voice is triggering your nervous system with a way older wound inside of you.
Kelle: Yeah, you can know all the parenting communication techniques in the world, but your body is responding before your words even form. Like that energy hits you and your body is already responding, and then you react with words, or you respond with words, or you, you know, freeze and fawn, and don't have any words at all.
Nina: Or maybe you let a friend overstep your boundaries time and again because saying no feels like risking the relationship. Even though you're starting to resent them. That's not because you don't know how to communicate a boundary. It's because your nervous system associates boundary setting with danger.
Kelle: The nervous system, it doesn't just store conflict patterns from your romantic relationships. It's holding every unresolved fight. Every moment you didn't feel safe speaking up, every relationship where conflict meant rejection, control, or punishment.
Nina: Yeah, your body keeps the score, not your communication handbook.
Kelle: So true. So true. So if you find yourself reacting before you even understand why, take a beat and ask, am I reacting to this moment or to every time this has happened before?
Nina: Seriously try this. This is kind of bananas. This is very enlightening. When we start tracking the nervous system patterns, our own default nervous system patterns, we can start shifting it at the source, not just putting pretty words on the same old reactions.
Kelle: When conflict happens, your nervous system picks up a response automatically without asking your permission, which, come on, is so rude, right? Let's break down these responses. Okay. So number one is the fight response. And this sounds a lot like, “We are solving this right now. Do not go anywhere”.
Nina: Yeah. So some people go straight into fight mode, right? Their voice gets sharp, their words come faster, and they cannot stand the idea of leaving anything unresolved, right? These are the "never go to bed angry" people. Side note here, we totally disagree with this. Go to bed angry, get some rest, and talk when you're not exhausted.
Kelle: Yes, or like in complete survival. Yeah, they argue harder, push forward, and demand resolution immediately, right? If the other person wants space, they panic because distance feels like rejection, which feels like death and doom, right? And they're flooded with urgency. So hello adrenaline. And they can't rest until it's talked out.
Nina: Yeah. This is so interesting, right? Like for example, your partner says, “I need some time to think before we keep talking.” But instead of taking that at face value, your nervous system interprets it as them pulling away and somehow hurting you. So what do you do? You push harder. You demand an answer. You escalate even though a break would probably help everyone, right? We've all been there.
Kelle: For sure. And I am the one that is like, no, let's keep talking about this because…
Nina: Yeah, let's figure this out.
Kelle: The people that I live with are flight people. They just want to run. And then…
Nina: Yeah, we'll get to that in a second. We'll get to flight. Yeah.
Kelle: We'll get, we'll get to that, but I'm the one that wants to stay because the people that I live with are flights. So, yeah, stay with us here, but it's so interesting because we have these patterns, right? And the shift here is learning how to slow the urgency. Your nervous system is screaming, “fix it right now.” My nervous system is wanting to fix it at this moment. But most fights don't need immediate resolution. They need regulation.
Nina: Mic drop. They need regulation. And if you're the one who always pushes to talk it out while your partner pulls away, Kel, this is me too. Let us tell you something. You're not overreacting because your body craves resolution. Your nervous system isn't broken. You're just working from a blueprint that says connection isn't safe unless it's secured right now.
Kelle: Mhm. It's funny. I just have to interject because my daughter actually schooled me on this and I don't know where she learned this stuff, but she wanted to walk away and not resolve a conflict. And I was like, “no, you can't walk away. You can't leave.”
Nina: Get back here.
Kelle: Yeah, “get back here right now.” And she's like, “Mom, I need 10 minutes to pause and breathe and cool down. And then I will come back and talk to you.” And I was just like, are you my child? What? These wise children.
Nina: Because like real steady love can handle a pause. She loves you, Kel. It can survive discomfort and we know you might not believe us, but so can you. You can handle a pause. Everyone out there. Your invitation is to learn to regulate your nervous system so you're not demanding that your partner do it for you. Trust us, it leads to so much more peace.
Kelle: So much. All right, number two, the flight response. So this looks like, I need to get out of here right away. I'm out. I am out. So some people don't have the capacity in their nervous system to handle conflict in the moment. And their system literally wants out. They feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, desperate to leave. And if they can't physically leave, they dissociate or completely mentally check out.
Nina: Yeah, disassociation, we say, we explain this in a very general way here. Disassociation is a huge trauma response. And so if you are resonating with this, there's nothing abnormal, there's nothing wrong or broken, nothing needs to be fixed. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it wants to do. And disassociation can look a lot of different ways. So they'll say things like, “I can't do this, I just need to go,” right? And they mean it, just like your daughter Kel, because their body is literally screaming for escape.
Kelle: Mhm. Okay. For example, your boss says, “We need to talk about something important.” And your body immediately goes into overdrive. This looks like heart racing, stomach clenching, your mind calculating the quickest exit.
Nina: Yeah, and I'm guessing you're catastrophizing, right? We need to talk about something important. It's like you're getting fired. Something terrible, right? Instead of like, the client needs us, we can be superheroes. It's just so funny, you know, where our brain goes. But the shift is learning to take space intentionally, not reactively. Instead of just bolting, try saying even just internally, “I need 20 minutes to grab myself and then I'll come back and schedule a meeting with the boss.” Like I can't do this right now, right? You can even set a timer.
Kelle: Yeah, so good. Because leaving isn't the problem. Not coming back is, right?
Nina: Leaving isn't the problem like you were saying, Kel, not coming back is. You don't want to leave with your hands in the air and like marching down the street in your stilettos, paper flying out of your you know, stuff. Like you don't want to leave like that, right? Leaving isn't the problem. It's not coming back is like we always want to leave on a good note. We always want to seal, you know, tie it up with a bow if you will. I mean, no, please don't say that. I don't know. Yeah. But like, yeah, come back, regulate and come back and collaborate.
Okay. So number three is the freeze response. And this looks like or sounds like “I literally can't respond,” right? Some people don't fight or flee. They shut down completely. They feel disconnected, emotionally numb, unable to speak. I can totally relate to this. Their mind goes blank, and no words come out. They aren't ignoring you. This is not under conscious control. They literally can't process fast enough to respond. When you see this happen in someone, you don't understand it, right? And this awareness hopefully will help you see that this person's in a lot of pain, right?
Kelle: Yeah, for example, just so that we can bring some context to this. Your partner asks something like, “Why didn't you tell me you were upset earlier?” And you just can't even respond to that. Not because you don't care, but because your brain has shut down to keep you safe.
Nina: Yeah, the shift here, learn to signal what's happening. Even saying like, “I can't talk right now, but I'm, I'm here, but I can't talk right now.” Gives the other person something to work with, right?
Kelle: You could ask for an unmet need too, if that's available. For instance, “Could you give me a hug? I'm feeling numb. Could you please help me get unfrazzled here?”
Nina: Yeah. And here's a pro tip. Try writing these kinds of statements like down ahead of time and keep them somewhere because when you talk to your people about this habit of freezing and agree that you'll pull out these cards, you can both understand what's happening better when, you know, everything's close by because in the moment, you're not always thinking clearly.
Kelle: It's so functional when you plan this ahead of time versus trying to play like improv in the moment.
Nina: You got to experiment, you got to do it in the moment, but yeah, if you can try and set yourself up ahead of time, helps.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, so the fourth is a fawn response. And this looks like, let's just make this go away. So some people default to people pleasing in conflict. They smooth things over, apologize first, you know, keep the peace, don't rock the boat. They don't say what they actually feel because their nervous system has learned that conflict feels unsafe.
Nina: Yeah, the fight ends, but later they feel resentful and unheard. I feel like this is a big one for a lot of people I know. It's like they apologize just to end the fight and then walk away feeling so resentful, right?
Kelle: Yeah. For example, your client says, “You're late again.” Instead of checking with your actual feelings, you go straight to agreeing and apologizing. And I feel like we just talked with a client about this today. Like you don't have to apologize.
Nina: Yeah, the shift is learning to pause before you appease, right? If your instinct is to say, “You're right, I'm sorry,” and then overexplain why and what took you so long. Who's been there? Raise your hand, right? Like take a breath instead and ask, do I actually mean that?
Kelle: Mhm. Mhm. I mean, we're never late, but come on. If you're raised to believe that keeping the peace is your job, of course your first instinct is to apologize when you mean it or not.
Nina: But your comfort, your truth, your reality matters too. Your truth belongs in the conversation, and you don't have to disappear just to keep the peace.
Kelle: We'll also add that if you keep disappearing in your relationships just to keep things copacetic over time, the less you're there, the less you're there.
Nina: Right? I mean, your authentic self isn't in the space, and you're not truly loving your partner or allowing yourself to be loved.
Kelle: So if your relationship is a constant cycle of fights with no repair, it's time to bring in outside voices. Talk to your friends. Talk to someone who knows you and won't just tell you what you want to hear.
Nina: That sounds like us. Because coaches do just that. With a lot of love, we're going to ask you the difficult questions and have the uncomfortable conversations.
Kelle: Also known as call you on your BS, right? With love.
Nina: Mhm. With love always. Because listen, some fights can't be worked through, and some fights are telling you something deeper.
Kelle: And if you're doing your best to regulate, to communicate, to change the pattern, if you're really loving the way you're showing up like, wow, look at me being the grownup I want to be. Look at me adulting, right? But nothing is actually shifting. That is data.
Nina: If you leave every argument feeling hollow, if you're constantly wondering, is it me? Am I the problem? Pause and take a breath.
Kelle: For sure, because if every fight leaves you feeling like you are the issue, if you're walking away thinking, maybe I'm just bad at relationships, that's not just conflict, that is a pattern.
Nina: And patterns aren't just about you. They're about the dynamic you're in. The way conflict unfolds is co-created, right?
Kelle: Mhm. And I just want to add this, while you can work on your part, you cannot control, fix or change another human or a fight that only one person is willing to change. If you are doing the work and they're staying the same, that is not a communication issue.
Nina: Yeah, that might be an imbalance in nervous system capacity and effort. No amount of nervous system regulation can fix a fight that only one person is trying to resolve. A relationship takes two nervous systems willing to do it differently, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, if your partner isn't ready, willing, or able to show up differently when life gets lifey and things get tough, then you might not be able to right the ship alone here.
Nina: Because if you're waiting for them to just magically understand how to navigate conflict better without doing any work on it, without unpacking their own nervous system patterns, right? Their own self-awareness, without meeting you in the middle, then you're waiting for a version of them that might not exist.
Kelle: And how much longer do you want to wait? Come on here.
Nina: We're taking a stand here, right? Love isn't the absence of conflict. Love is having two regulated nervous systems that can stay connected through conflict.
Kelle: This isn't about communication techniques. It's not about who's right or who's wrong, except for with the north and south thing, because come on. I'm just kidding. Who really cares, right? It's so meaningless. It's about understanding your nervous system responses so that you can navigate conflict in a way that doesn't cost you your relationship or your self-respect or your nervous system health.
Nina: Yeah, when fights become about winning, you both lose. And if you've ever won an argument only to realize later that your victory prize is a tense, silent dinner and sleeping with your backs turned. That's not the kind of win anybody wants, right? Oh, it makes me sad. Yeah. And no amount of” I statements” would have changed that outcome if your nervous systems are both disregulated.
Kelle: But when you understand that the real work is about nervous system regulation first and communication second, I mean, can I just say that's where the magic is? That's when something actually shifts.
Nina: This is gold, right? So identify your nervous system patterns. Bring in other voices to help you see clearly. And as you start to recognize what your body tends to do in conflict, share that with the person you have conflict with here the most, right? Have a conversation about the patterns both of your nervous systems tend to follow so that you can focus on co-regulating first before you even attempt to quote-unquote “communicate better,” right?
Kelle: Uh, so true. I just want to really highlight all of this because a relationship where both people understand their nervous systems and can regulate together through hard moments. That's the relationship you deserve. Not one where you're both using perfect communication techniques while your bodies are screaming in terror.
Nina: Oh my god, what a visual. Remember, it's your nervous system, not your communication skills that determines how your conflicts will go. Start there and everything else becomes so much easier.
Kelle: All right. That's all for today. Thanks so much for being here.
Nina: Oh, wait, Kelle, let's tell them about our new offer.
Kelle: Mm. Oh yeah. Okay. We have big news. We've got something brand new we want to share. Tell them all about it, Nina.
Nina: Yeah, we've never offered this before, and honestly, we've never seen anyone else offer it like this.
Kelle: If you've been waiting to work with us, now is the time. Introducing our brand new three-month comeback container. It's a high touch, high impact experience for ambitious women who are done operating in survival mode and so ready to actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create, that you work so hard to create.
Nina: Yeah. This is not your typical coaching program, people. This is your comeback. It's your off-ramp from the cycle of over-functioning, burnout, and self-neglect, and your start gate to a way of living, leading, and creating that actually feels good.
Kelle: It's intimate, it's powerful, and it's designed to help you shift fast with the kind of personalized support that actually changes your life.
Nina: Yeah, here's what you can expect inside. Three months of high-impact, high-touch, two-to-one coaching with both of us. Tools that help you regulate, reset, and rise, and the structure, support, and accountability you've been craving. All in one.
Kelle: Okay, so you might be asking why now? Because listen, survival mode can't be your go-to any longer. And the longer you wait to shift, the more it costs you. It costs you your confidence, your energy, your future.
Nina: Yeah. And so why this, right? Why this coaching program? Because you don't need more information, Rock Stars. You need actual transformation. And that's exactly what this container delivers.
Kelle: Okay, so we're calling in all the women who are ready to move. This is your comeback moment.
Nina: Yeah, if you're ready to stop trying and start resulting, schedule a consultation with us at kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: This is new, it's bold, it's next-level support, it's gold. I mean, can you just hear the excitement? We're so psyched for this.
Nina: We’re so pumped. And we love the clients who've already signed or the women who've already signed up who are clients now. We love them. Yeah.
Kelle: Yes. We have six new clients, and we have three more spots available. That's it right now. And so this is your invitation to actually enjoy your ambition and the life that you work so hard to create.
Nina: Let's get going. I mean, why not, right? Visit kelleandnina.com to schedule a consultation. Thanks for being here. We'll talk soon.
Kelle: Okay, bye.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Yeah, at home, at work, with your friends, conflict is inevitable.
Kelle: Here's our take that might just change everything. Conflict resolution isn't about better communication techniques. Full stop.
Nina: It's about understanding your nervous system. If you're nodding your head because every disagreement with your partner turns into an emotional marathon where you both end up exhausted. If you keep having the same argument just with different words with colleagues. And if you walk away from fights feeling worse, not better, you are not alone, right Kelle?
Kelle: Yes. And listen, no amount of “I statements” or reflecting, listening exercises is going to fix what's happening underneath.
Nina: Listen up because this is important. Conflict patterns can change, but only if you're willing to understand what's happening in your body first and then change your responses. And that work? It goes way deeper than just choosing better words.
Kelle: All right, this one is gold. Let's get started. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. Let's blow some minds here, Kelle. Those couples who read all the relationship books, those people who take all the conflict resolution workshops at work, who practice their "when you do X, I feel Y" statements with their kids, partners, colleagues? They're still having the same problems with conflict.
Kelle: What about the ones that read like the first 10 or 15 pages of the book, Nina?
Nina: And then close it. Yeah. Yeah, they're getting a sampling, and then they're still having problems with conflict, right?
Kelle: Right. Right. Because fancy communication techniques are just putting a band-aid on a nervous system issue. Right?
Nina: Yeah, some people fight about big things: money, values, trust. Huge things. Others fight about small things: loading the dishwasher, email misspellings, how to serve the client best, or how their partner breathed just a little too loud last night. We see you.
Kelle: Okay. My husband, he wants to describe directions in like on the east side of the street or on the west side of the street. Or, you know, the north side of the house.
Nina: Can you just use right or left? Yeah.
Kelle: And I'm just so confused and he just will not let it go. And I'm just like, okay, whatever you say. I don't even know. And he'll try to reinforce to me and I'm just like, you lost me at East, okay, dude?
Back to it though. Okay, some people though, Nina, they just don't fight at all, right? They just stew in silent resentment, wondering why people can't magically read their mind.
Nina: And because we love a note of hope, we'll add that some people don't fight because they seriously don't have anything to fight about. But it's not because they're communication experts. It's because they're grounded in their nervous system regulation practices.
Kelle: Yeah, they're living interdependently, and when stuff comes up, they chat it out not because they're using the right words, but because their bodies feel safe enough to stay engaged.
Nina: This is so key. I hope everyone's understanding what we're saying here because when I think about conflict, like I start seeing red and I get prickly even thinking about it, right? But what happens here is they bend to meet each other without self-abandoning because their nervous systems can handle the discomfort. As we dive into what goes wrong, remember that this exists too.
Kelle: And it doesn't have to happen with a romantic partner, right? When you understand your own nervous system default patterns, you can show up to conflict in a grounded way even when they can't. You can create solutions even when they're disregulated.
Nina: Here's what usually happens, right? Tension builds, conflict happens, and instead of feeling closer or resolved by the end, you feel exhausted, stuck, and sometimes even more disconnected or misunderstood than when you started.
Kelle: And, you know, I'm thinking right here, and I think that they think, “if only I could communicate better,” but that's missing the entire point.
Nina: What's really happening? Why does your body react so strongly to something as normal as disagreement? And more importantly, how do you stop feeling like every fight is either World War III or a slow-moving disaster?
Kelle: Yeah, because here's the thing, Rock Stars, conflict isn't just about communication. It's primarily about your nervous system.
Nina: This changes everything.
Kelle: Yeah, it really does. Your brain might know intellectually that you're just disagreeing about the laundry or schedules, or who's on the deadline. Your brain might know that your partner or colleague isn't actually abandoning you just because they don't agree. Your brain might even know that this is a moment, not a catastrophe.
Nina: But your nervous system? It's already on high alert, right? Mhm. Because your nervous system isn't tracking the logic, it's tracking the risk.
Kelle: Yeah, can we just underline that? Right?
Nina: So let's keep going here. This is so cool. Your autonomic nervous system, your ANS, the part responsible for survival, your monkey brain, you've heard us call it the toddler brain. Whatever you'd like to call it is constantly scanning for safety or threat. And it does not distinguish between physical danger and emotional danger.
Kelle: For sure. It does not care that this is just an argument about a mistake with a client. It doesn't care that this isn't the end of your relationship or if it is, right? If it is. It only cares about what conflict has meant for you in the past.
Nina: This is so interesting, right?
Kelle: So interesting. These patterns, right? So if you grew up in a home where conflict meant yelling and insults and slamming doors and walking on eggshells, your nervous system learned to brace for impact.
Nina: Okay, Kel, you totally called me out on this last week, right? Because I kept repeating that I was bracing for this one particular thing, right? And you were like, why do you have to brace yourself?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, you kept bracing. And it's so true. It's an indicator, right? If past relationships taught you that conflict led to emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, or punishment, your body learned that arguments equal abandonment.
Nina: I just need to triple underline that. If you had to keep the peace to stay safe, your body learned that losing a fight was dangerous. And now every disagreement feels wildly high stakes.
Kelle: Okay, can anyone else relate here? This is like such a truth bomb.
Nina: Yeah. So even when your brain knows this is just a conversation, your body reacts as if your entire connection is on the line. This is why fights can feel so intense even when they shouldn't.
Kelle: Yeah, I remember back in the day when I would have a fight with my spouse. This goes way back, but I would like leave, in my mind. I'd be like, okay, this is the final straw. We are done. We are done, right? And I, through therapy, I found out that was not the best way to go through fights, like thinking, okay, this is it.
Nina: Because you've checked out. You can't even come to a compromise when you've already left. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Kelle: Yeah, in my mind, I was gone.
Nina: Yeah.
Kelle: And this is why you find yourself getting defensive before the other person has even finished their sentence. This is why you shut down or overexplain or explode. I mean, pick your poison here. Even when you desperately want to stay present and calm.
Nina: Present and calm and collaborative, I want to add, right? I mean, you want to figure it out, but you're just in fight or flight.
Kelle: Or not because you're just like, I'm out, right?
Nina: Totally. But because beautiful human, your body isn't reacting to what's happening now. That's what's going on here. Your body isn't reacting to what's happening now in this moment. It's reacting to everything it's ever learned about what conflict means.
Kelle: Yeah, this is why your partner can say literally one wrong word and it feels like an emotional gut punch. Why a conversation about something as boring as the dishes or whether you're talking about north or east can somehow feel like it's about your entire worth.
Nina: Oh my god, I can only imagine the stories in your head when Mike's talking about east and west, right? Totally. Like, am I, am I missing something? Am I smart? Am I dumb? Right? Like is he's like…
Kelle: No, I'm just like, we've had this conversation a thousand times. Do you really want to do this again? Let's go.
Nina: Yeah, and he is. He's doing it again. Because listen, your body isn't responding to their words, right, Kelle? You're not responding to Mike's words. Your body's responding to every unresolved fight you've ever had with them and everyone who came before them.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. This isn't just about today's argument. It's about everything your nervous system has been holding on to for literally years.
Nina: And this doesn't just show up in romantic relationships. If you've ever felt like you're fighting the same fight with your parents, your kids, your bestie. That client, we all know that client, right? Guess what? That is your nervous system too, not a communication problem.
Kelle: I mean, I'm just gonna say not our clients because our clients are amazing. We love all of our clients. We have never had like a fight with one client, right?
Nina: Right. Not our clients. Good call.
Kelle: Okay, so maybe you get instantly defensive when your mom gives "helpful" feedback. Oh, you could have ironed that shirt, right? No amount of communication training will stop that instant body response because somewhere deep down, your nervous system remembers what it felt like to never be good enough in her eyes.
Nina: Yeah, maybe your teenager's attitude makes you snap before you even realize what's happening. Because the tone of their voice is triggering your nervous system with a way older wound inside of you.
Kelle: Yeah, you can know all the parenting communication techniques in the world, but your body is responding before your words even form. Like that energy hits you and your body is already responding, and then you react with words, or you respond with words, or you, you know, freeze and fawn, and don't have any words at all.
Nina: Or maybe you let a friend overstep your boundaries time and again because saying no feels like risking the relationship. Even though you're starting to resent them. That's not because you don't know how to communicate a boundary. It's because your nervous system associates boundary setting with danger.
Kelle: The nervous system, it doesn't just store conflict patterns from your romantic relationships. It's holding every unresolved fight. Every moment you didn't feel safe speaking up, every relationship where conflict meant rejection, control, or punishment.
Nina: Yeah, your body keeps the score, not your communication handbook.
Kelle: So true. So true. So if you find yourself reacting before you even understand why, take a beat and ask, am I reacting to this moment or to every time this has happened before?
Nina: Seriously try this. This is kind of bananas. This is very enlightening. When we start tracking the nervous system patterns, our own default nervous system patterns, we can start shifting it at the source, not just putting pretty words on the same old reactions.
Kelle: When conflict happens, your nervous system picks up a response automatically without asking your permission, which, come on, is so rude, right? Let's break down these responses. Okay. So number one is the fight response. And this sounds a lot like, “We are solving this right now. Do not go anywhere”.
Nina: Yeah. So some people go straight into fight mode, right? Their voice gets sharp, their words come faster, and they cannot stand the idea of leaving anything unresolved, right? These are the "never go to bed angry" people. Side note here, we totally disagree with this. Go to bed angry, get some rest, and talk when you're not exhausted.
Kelle: Yes, or like in complete survival. Yeah, they argue harder, push forward, and demand resolution immediately, right? If the other person wants space, they panic because distance feels like rejection, which feels like death and doom, right? And they're flooded with urgency. So hello adrenaline. And they can't rest until it's talked out.
Nina: Yeah. This is so interesting, right? Like for example, your partner says, “I need some time to think before we keep talking.” But instead of taking that at face value, your nervous system interprets it as them pulling away and somehow hurting you. So what do you do? You push harder. You demand an answer. You escalate even though a break would probably help everyone, right? We've all been there.
Kelle: For sure. And I am the one that is like, no, let's keep talking about this because…
Nina: Yeah, let's figure this out.
Kelle: The people that I live with are flight people. They just want to run. And then…
Nina: Yeah, we'll get to that in a second. We'll get to flight. Yeah.
Kelle: We'll get, we'll get to that, but I'm the one that wants to stay because the people that I live with are flights. So, yeah, stay with us here, but it's so interesting because we have these patterns, right? And the shift here is learning how to slow the urgency. Your nervous system is screaming, “fix it right now.” My nervous system is wanting to fix it at this moment. But most fights don't need immediate resolution. They need regulation.
Nina: Mic drop. They need regulation. And if you're the one who always pushes to talk it out while your partner pulls away, Kel, this is me too. Let us tell you something. You're not overreacting because your body craves resolution. Your nervous system isn't broken. You're just working from a blueprint that says connection isn't safe unless it's secured right now.
Kelle: Mhm. It's funny. I just have to interject because my daughter actually schooled me on this and I don't know where she learned this stuff, but she wanted to walk away and not resolve a conflict. And I was like, “no, you can't walk away. You can't leave.”
Nina: Get back here.
Kelle: Yeah, “get back here right now.” And she's like, “Mom, I need 10 minutes to pause and breathe and cool down. And then I will come back and talk to you.” And I was just like, are you my child? What? These wise children.
Nina: Because like real steady love can handle a pause. She loves you, Kel. It can survive discomfort and we know you might not believe us, but so can you. You can handle a pause. Everyone out there. Your invitation is to learn to regulate your nervous system so you're not demanding that your partner do it for you. Trust us, it leads to so much more peace.
Kelle: So much. All right, number two, the flight response. So this looks like, I need to get out of here right away. I'm out. I am out. So some people don't have the capacity in their nervous system to handle conflict in the moment. And their system literally wants out. They feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, desperate to leave. And if they can't physically leave, they dissociate or completely mentally check out.
Nina: Yeah, disassociation, we say, we explain this in a very general way here. Disassociation is a huge trauma response. And so if you are resonating with this, there's nothing abnormal, there's nothing wrong or broken, nothing needs to be fixed. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it wants to do. And disassociation can look a lot of different ways. So they'll say things like, “I can't do this, I just need to go,” right? And they mean it, just like your daughter Kel, because their body is literally screaming for escape.
Kelle: Mhm. Okay. For example, your boss says, “We need to talk about something important.” And your body immediately goes into overdrive. This looks like heart racing, stomach clenching, your mind calculating the quickest exit.
Nina: Yeah, and I'm guessing you're catastrophizing, right? We need to talk about something important. It's like you're getting fired. Something terrible, right? Instead of like, the client needs us, we can be superheroes. It's just so funny, you know, where our brain goes. But the shift is learning to take space intentionally, not reactively. Instead of just bolting, try saying even just internally, “I need 20 minutes to grab myself and then I'll come back and schedule a meeting with the boss.” Like I can't do this right now, right? You can even set a timer.
Kelle: Yeah, so good. Because leaving isn't the problem. Not coming back is, right?
Nina: Leaving isn't the problem like you were saying, Kel, not coming back is. You don't want to leave with your hands in the air and like marching down the street in your stilettos, paper flying out of your you know, stuff. Like you don't want to leave like that, right? Leaving isn't the problem. It's not coming back is like we always want to leave on a good note. We always want to seal, you know, tie it up with a bow if you will. I mean, no, please don't say that. I don't know. Yeah. But like, yeah, come back, regulate and come back and collaborate.
Okay. So number three is the freeze response. And this looks like or sounds like “I literally can't respond,” right? Some people don't fight or flee. They shut down completely. They feel disconnected, emotionally numb, unable to speak. I can totally relate to this. Their mind goes blank, and no words come out. They aren't ignoring you. This is not under conscious control. They literally can't process fast enough to respond. When you see this happen in someone, you don't understand it, right? And this awareness hopefully will help you see that this person's in a lot of pain, right?
Kelle: Yeah, for example, just so that we can bring some context to this. Your partner asks something like, “Why didn't you tell me you were upset earlier?” And you just can't even respond to that. Not because you don't care, but because your brain has shut down to keep you safe.
Nina: Yeah, the shift here, learn to signal what's happening. Even saying like, “I can't talk right now, but I'm, I'm here, but I can't talk right now.” Gives the other person something to work with, right?
Kelle: You could ask for an unmet need too, if that's available. For instance, “Could you give me a hug? I'm feeling numb. Could you please help me get unfrazzled here?”
Nina: Yeah. And here's a pro tip. Try writing these kinds of statements like down ahead of time and keep them somewhere because when you talk to your people about this habit of freezing and agree that you'll pull out these cards, you can both understand what's happening better when, you know, everything's close by because in the moment, you're not always thinking clearly.
Kelle: It's so functional when you plan this ahead of time versus trying to play like improv in the moment.
Nina: You got to experiment, you got to do it in the moment, but yeah, if you can try and set yourself up ahead of time, helps.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, so the fourth is a fawn response. And this looks like, let's just make this go away. So some people default to people pleasing in conflict. They smooth things over, apologize first, you know, keep the peace, don't rock the boat. They don't say what they actually feel because their nervous system has learned that conflict feels unsafe.
Nina: Yeah, the fight ends, but later they feel resentful and unheard. I feel like this is a big one for a lot of people I know. It's like they apologize just to end the fight and then walk away feeling so resentful, right?
Kelle: Yeah. For example, your client says, “You're late again.” Instead of checking with your actual feelings, you go straight to agreeing and apologizing. And I feel like we just talked with a client about this today. Like you don't have to apologize.
Nina: Yeah, the shift is learning to pause before you appease, right? If your instinct is to say, “You're right, I'm sorry,” and then overexplain why and what took you so long. Who's been there? Raise your hand, right? Like take a breath instead and ask, do I actually mean that?
Kelle: Mhm. Mhm. I mean, we're never late, but come on. If you're raised to believe that keeping the peace is your job, of course your first instinct is to apologize when you mean it or not.
Nina: But your comfort, your truth, your reality matters too. Your truth belongs in the conversation, and you don't have to disappear just to keep the peace.
Kelle: We'll also add that if you keep disappearing in your relationships just to keep things copacetic over time, the less you're there, the less you're there.
Nina: Right? I mean, your authentic self isn't in the space, and you're not truly loving your partner or allowing yourself to be loved.
Kelle: So if your relationship is a constant cycle of fights with no repair, it's time to bring in outside voices. Talk to your friends. Talk to someone who knows you and won't just tell you what you want to hear.
Nina: That sounds like us. Because coaches do just that. With a lot of love, we're going to ask you the difficult questions and have the uncomfortable conversations.
Kelle: Also known as call you on your BS, right? With love.
Nina: Mhm. With love always. Because listen, some fights can't be worked through, and some fights are telling you something deeper.
Kelle: And if you're doing your best to regulate, to communicate, to change the pattern, if you're really loving the way you're showing up like, wow, look at me being the grownup I want to be. Look at me adulting, right? But nothing is actually shifting. That is data.
Nina: If you leave every argument feeling hollow, if you're constantly wondering, is it me? Am I the problem? Pause and take a breath.
Kelle: For sure, because if every fight leaves you feeling like you are the issue, if you're walking away thinking, maybe I'm just bad at relationships, that's not just conflict, that is a pattern.
Nina: And patterns aren't just about you. They're about the dynamic you're in. The way conflict unfolds is co-created, right?
Kelle: Mhm. And I just want to add this, while you can work on your part, you cannot control, fix or change another human or a fight that only one person is willing to change. If you are doing the work and they're staying the same, that is not a communication issue.
Nina: Yeah, that might be an imbalance in nervous system capacity and effort. No amount of nervous system regulation can fix a fight that only one person is trying to resolve. A relationship takes two nervous systems willing to do it differently, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, if your partner isn't ready, willing, or able to show up differently when life gets lifey and things get tough, then you might not be able to right the ship alone here.
Nina: Because if you're waiting for them to just magically understand how to navigate conflict better without doing any work on it, without unpacking their own nervous system patterns, right? Their own self-awareness, without meeting you in the middle, then you're waiting for a version of them that might not exist.
Kelle: And how much longer do you want to wait? Come on here.
Nina: We're taking a stand here, right? Love isn't the absence of conflict. Love is having two regulated nervous systems that can stay connected through conflict.
Kelle: This isn't about communication techniques. It's not about who's right or who's wrong, except for with the north and south thing, because come on. I'm just kidding. Who really cares, right? It's so meaningless. It's about understanding your nervous system responses so that you can navigate conflict in a way that doesn't cost you your relationship or your self-respect or your nervous system health.
Nina: Yeah, when fights become about winning, you both lose. And if you've ever won an argument only to realize later that your victory prize is a tense, silent dinner and sleeping with your backs turned. That's not the kind of win anybody wants, right? Oh, it makes me sad. Yeah. And no amount of” I statements” would have changed that outcome if your nervous systems are both disregulated.
Kelle: But when you understand that the real work is about nervous system regulation first and communication second, I mean, can I just say that's where the magic is? That's when something actually shifts.
Nina: This is gold, right? So identify your nervous system patterns. Bring in other voices to help you see clearly. And as you start to recognize what your body tends to do in conflict, share that with the person you have conflict with here the most, right? Have a conversation about the patterns both of your nervous systems tend to follow so that you can focus on co-regulating first before you even attempt to quote-unquote “communicate better,” right?
Kelle: Uh, so true. I just want to really highlight all of this because a relationship where both people understand their nervous systems and can regulate together through hard moments. That's the relationship you deserve. Not one where you're both using perfect communication techniques while your bodies are screaming in terror.
Nina: Oh my god, what a visual. Remember, it's your nervous system, not your communication skills that determines how your conflicts will go. Start there and everything else becomes so much easier.
Kelle: All right. That's all for today. Thanks so much for being here.
Nina: Oh, wait, Kelle, let's tell them about our new offer.
Kelle: Mm. Oh yeah. Okay. We have big news. We've got something brand new we want to share. Tell them all about it, Nina.
Nina: Yeah, we've never offered this before, and honestly, we've never seen anyone else offer it like this.
Kelle: If you've been waiting to work with us, now is the time. Introducing our brand new three-month comeback container. It's a high touch, high impact experience for ambitious women who are done operating in survival mode and so ready to actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create, that you work so hard to create.
Nina: Yeah. This is not your typical coaching program, people. This is your comeback. It's your off-ramp from the cycle of over-functioning, burnout, and self-neglect, and your start gate to a way of living, leading, and creating that actually feels good.
Kelle: It's intimate, it's powerful, and it's designed to help you shift fast with the kind of personalized support that actually changes your life.
Nina: Yeah, here's what you can expect inside. Three months of high-impact, high-touch, two-to-one coaching with both of us. Tools that help you regulate, reset, and rise, and the structure, support, and accountability you've been craving. All in one.
Kelle: Okay, so you might be asking why now? Because listen, survival mode can't be your go-to any longer. And the longer you wait to shift, the more it costs you. It costs you your confidence, your energy, your future.
Nina: Yeah. And so why this, right? Why this coaching program? Because you don't need more information, Rock Stars. You need actual transformation. And that's exactly what this container delivers.
Kelle: Okay, so we're calling in all the women who are ready to move. This is your comeback moment.
Nina: Yeah, if you're ready to stop trying and start resulting, schedule a consultation with us at kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: This is new, it's bold, it's next-level support, it's gold. I mean, can you just hear the excitement? We're so psyched for this.
Nina: We’re so pumped. And we love the clients who've already signed or the women who've already signed up who are clients now. We love them. Yeah.
Kelle: Yes. We have six new clients, and we have three more spots available. That's it right now. And so this is your invitation to actually enjoy your ambition and the life that you work so hard to create.
Nina: Let's get going. I mean, why not, right? Visit kelleandnina.com to schedule a consultation. Thanks for being here. We'll talk soon.
Kelle: Okay, bye.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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