24. Comparison Is Inevitable, so Make It Useful
You've heard of the comparison trap, or comparing and despairing, where you relentlessly pit yourself against others, only to end up feeling envious, resentful, anxious, and maybe even ashamed. It can feel like comparison is the thief of joy. But the truth is, comparison is a normal part of our human nature. We believe comparison doesn't need to be a problem, and it can actually be incredibly useful.
Comparison isn't a problem once you understand that the key lies in how you respond to comparison. No need to delete Instagram from your phone, all you need to do is get out of that scarcity mindset, start thinking on purpose, and begin intentionally using comparison to your advantage.
Tune in this week to discover how to break out of the comparison trap. We discuss why the answer here isn't to stop comparing yourself to others or give up on up-leveling. Instead, we show you how to work through your comparison tendency, so you can start responding to it in an empowering way.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How our brains default to comparison, especially after we've achieved something or hit a milestone.
Why comparison isn't a choice, but how you respond to comparison is a choice.
What it looks like when you choose connection over comparison.
The problem with comparing your weaknesses to someone else's strengths (think Instagram highlight reel).
4 productive questions to ask yourself next time you feel envious of someone else.
How to respond to comparison in a helpful way, instead of letting comparison make you miserable.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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The Gap and the Gain by Dan Sullivan
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: You’ve heard of the comparison trap, right? When you relentlessly pit yourself against others only to feel envious, resentful, anxious and maybe even a little bit of shame.
Nina: So, it makes sense that comparison is known to be the thief of joy.
Kelle: Well, here to tell you that comparison is normal. It’s human nature. In fact, if you have a human brain you will inevitably compare yourself to others.
Nina: Today we’re talking about how comparison does not have to be a problem, it isn’t a problem when you understand that the key is how you respond to comparison, how you respond to it.
Kelle: This isn’t about deleting Instagram from your phone, by the way. It’s about getting out of a scarcity mindset and thinking on purpose.
Nina: And using comparison to your advantage.
Kelle: Alright, let’s dive in and get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. So, Kel, I love that you just told us to dive in because I was in the pool this weekend and thought of you. We used to swim laps together a lot and haven’t for a while.
Kelle: Totally. I love swimming.
Nina: So I went with Toby, my 11 year old. He wants to start swimming laps or at least wanted to try and it was so nice to be back in the pool.
Kelle: I bet. I love swimming, it’s so meditative and quiet. I can’t listen to a podcast or music, so it’s just me and my thoughts and I just get to meditate and come back to me.
Nina: Yeah, it’s my alone time, no one can talk to me. No one can call me. And the hydrostatic pressure, nerd alert, of the water is so good for my leg because I have a chronic disease called primary lymphedema in my left leg and swimming is so helpful with my circulation. But anyway, while I was swimming and getting in the zone, I noticed this woman in the lane next to me. She was just an absolutely gorgeous swimmer, you know what I mean, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, totally. A beautiful swimmer really stops you in your tracks, it’s something to behold.
Nina: Yeah, my sister Steph and my sister Jen are gorgeous swimmers. They are so smooth and graceful, while my sister Hanley and I are more of the egg beaters, not pretty, but we’ll get across the pool. Hans, you know I love you, but it’s true. You know what I mean right, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, I could definitely see that.
Nina: So, I’m watching this woman next to me who very well could have been an Olympian. I mean, in Park City you can throw a tennis ball and hit an Olympian, seriously. That guy in line at Whole Foods ahead of you with the legs like tree trunks is likely an Olympic bobsledder.
Kelle: Yeah. Oh, my gosh, it’s so funny, actually, the woman that makes our Ambitious-Ish hats, our trucker hats that say an Ambitious-Ish on it, she’s a silver medalist in Torino, in bobsled, Valerie Fleming. Thanks, Valerie, Valerie and Marina, yeah.
Nina: You’re awesome. So, I noticed the woman next to me was just crushing it. And I sort of tried to race her for a sec in my egg beater way. Then I noticed her hand positioning in her freestyle as she put her hands in the water. And I’m like, “Oh, cool, I should try that, cup my hands so I pull more water in my stroke.” So, I started doing that and it worked, it was really cool.
Kelle: Yeah, that makes sense.
Nina: And then I noticed that when she initiates her kick, it starts at her hip while mine starts at my knee. So, I’m missing out on a lot of power in my kick the way I’m doing it. So, I’m like, “Okay, well, let me try that.” And it was super helpful, but then I started getting wedgies in my Speedo and it was disruptive. So, I just have to keep practicing, I guess.
Kelle: Wow, Nina, it’s starting to sound like you and Katie Ledecky are nose to nose now.
Nina: I mean, not exactly, but let me keep going. So, then I noticed that when she breathes under her arms, she kind of breathes into her armpit while I breathe into my elbow. It just sort of struck me as interesting, so I tried that too. And I started choking on water, flailing, inhaling all the water as I tried to adjust to this new way.
Kelle: Oh, my God, was the rock star swimming next to you just kind of laughing at you? I mean, she had no idea she was transforming your stroke.
Nina: All I can say is, my goggles started filling up with water because I was looking sideways at her so much with the wedgies and the coughing. The whole meditative experience I was so looking forward to was sort of lost on me. I was exhausted from taking on so much. And this is all to say that when I go into comparison I completely lose sight of my own experience, my lane. And I think I also tweaked my shoulder trying to keep up with the lane next to me.
Kelle: Yeah, we need to consistently remind ourselves to focus on our journey instead of checking the lanes next to us all the time. This applies to swimming laps and everything else in our lives, parenting, our work, relationships, I mean everything.
Nina: Yeah. What we know about comparison though is, if you have a human brain, you will always compare. It’s totally normal and a fundamental function of our brains.
Kelle: Yes, the key here is how we respond to it, how we respond to the experience of comparison.
Nina: Yeah, our brains on default are programmed to categorize, judge, and compare us to others. Our brains want to find our place in the world, where we lie in the hierarchy. This is the primitive part of our brain, and it sort of mirrors the society we live in. It’s relentless, rigid, always categorizing, it’s harsh, very much black and white. It’s survival. It’s all about comparing to figure out where we belong and if we belong.
Kelle: Our executive functioning, on the other hand, is where nuance lives. This is where we are realistic and forgiving, flexible, humble, and creative. Our prefrontal cortex, our executive functioning, is like a wise adult. And a wise adult knows that belonging is a feeling that is created by our thoughts. It has nothing to do with anything outside of us. This is how we respond to comparison realistically and create safety and belonging for ourselves.
Nina: Yeah, but back to comparison for a sec. Brené Brown is one of our queens. If you’ve been listening for a while, you know, we quote her work often. Brené has a PhD and has a master’s in social work and has dedicated most of her research to the study of emotions. While she doesn’t call comparison an emotion, she calls it an experience and she defines it as the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other. It’s trying to fit in and simultaneously stand out.
Kelle: Yeah, basically comparison says be like everyone else, but better. And social comparison is something we are hardwired to do. It happens to us. It’s not really a choice so give yourselves a break here.
Nina: Like we said, the key to comparison is how we respond to it, how we let it affect us. So, my new strategy in the pool is to mentally high five the person next to me before I get going and say, “Have a great swim.” That way I acknowledge the inevitable comparison that’s bound to happen, and I’m wishing them well and so, I can return to my swim and stay in my lane.
Kelle: Yeah, we can almost always choose connection over comparison. But let’s back up. Have you ever hit a professional milestone or a personal one, only to find yourself less than 24 hours later having an Instagram triggered crisis tumbling down the black hole of, I’ll never be good enough?
Nina: Oh, my gosh, one time. I saw my boss’s kitchen in the background of a photo she was showing me of her kids. And I was like, “What the fuck, will I ever have a kitchen like that? It’s fabulous. Mine sucks. Am I ever going to get to that level?” And what that level meant wasn’t even clear to me. Did I want to be my boss, be a better cook, or just have a nice kitchen? It was all of it.
Kelle: So, let’s look at some research here. Studies show that 75% of people reported they recently assessed their self-worth by comparing themselves with others. We’re guessing you’ve found yourself in a similar spiral. Relentlessly pitting yourself against others can make you feel resentful and anxious and impulsive. True story here, I can’t remember where I read this, but people are more likely to go bankrupt after their neighbors win the lottery. Did you know that?
Nina: Oh, my gosh. I mean, it kind of makes sense, but that’s bananas. Comparison inevitably sparks envy and both make us feel kind of ashamed. And our modern world makes it hard not to constantly do and feel both. You can track your progress against someone else’s pretty much everywhere. Glassdoor salaries, the peloton leaderboard, home square footages, Strava, vacation selfies and more. They can all be pulled up with a simple Google search.
Nina: Yeah, this is the same on social media. We compare our entire lives, dumpster fires and all, to someone else’s three one second snapshots in time, or said differently, their highlight reel.
Kelle: Here’s another one our clients bump into. They tell us, “I’ll be happy when X, Y, Z happens. That’s when I’ll feel amazing and stop comparing myself to everyone.” We know as coaches, this isn’t a goal. It’s actually a trap.
Nina: Yeah, because the nature of comparison is to continually reassess where we stand. So, if you’re not onto yourself and you hit that one finish line, you’re bound to start eyeing the next one in no time.
Kelle: Welcome to the iconic hamster wheel.
Nina: Yeah. Once you climb one mountain, you barely celebrate before you’re planning to climb the next because comparison says it’s time to up-level again to survive, to belong.
Kelle: Yeah. And the answer here isn’t to stop comparing, to delete Instagram or stop dreaming.
Nina: No, no, no. Like we said, comparison is completely normal and part of the human experience, but unchecked it can make us feel miserable. So, let’s talk about how to work through comparison to respond to it in an empowering way. Let’s take it back to the pool for a sec.
Kelle: Nina, it always comes back to the pool with you.
Nina: See what we did there? Yeah, picture yourself at the pool and maybe you’ve got what we call the fun five going on right now. It’s those five extra pounds you’re carrying on your body that you sort of hate, but that are the result of your summer fun choices like margaritas and ice-cream cones and rosé all day and BBQ.
Kelle: Yes, so you’re a little self-conscious kind of slipping into the pool, hiding under your towel when you can, avoiding the fries on your kids plate, wishing the fun five would disappear, when you notice this other woman who’s rocking what you might call the fun 15 or 20.
Nina: And while your brain goes to compare and judge all the things, there is this tinge of envy that comes up for you too. This happens a lot when we compare, envy is a big one.
Kelle: Yeah, she’s rocking the fun 15, not self-conscious at all. She’s jumping in and out of the pool, not hiding in her towels, and by no means strutting her stuff, but walking around the pool seemingly not at all preoccupied with her body.
Nina: Yeah, envy is interesting, it’s different than jealousy.
Kelle: Envy occurs when we want something that the other person has. And jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.
Nina: Yeah. Back to Brené, our queen, Brené Brown says envy typically involves two people and occurs when one lacks something enjoyed by another. The target of envy might be a person or group of people. But the focus of envy is that one lacks something compared with a specific target.
Kelle: Jealousy typically involves three people and occurs when one fears losing someone to the other person. Envy and jealousy result from different situations.
Nina: Yeah. Where we’re going here is, comparison induced envy can teach you what you value. You’re more likely to feel intense admiration or envy when you see someone doing something that you want for yourself, even if you haven’t consciously allowed yourself to want it.
Kelle: Yeah, self-awareness helps you turn your feelings into something useful. The next time you feel envy, like when you’re at the pool, explore what it’s telling you and ask yourself these four questions.
Nina: Yeah, these are super helpful.
Kelle: Number one. What do they have that makes me feel less than? And then the second question. What void would that fill for me? Number three. Do I really want what they have? And four, if yes, is it worth taking action to try to get it?
Nina: Yeah. So, for me in this circumstance, I’m kind of envious of the freedom that I assume that woman at the pool feels, if I’m being real, the carefree confidence, the yeah, I’ve got cellulite, take it or leave it energy. And this might be an invitation for me to take a look at my self-concept and how I think and feel about my body. Perhaps work to let go of my own fun five, having been inspired by this woman at the pool.
Kelle: So, all we’re saying here is that envy can be an indicator, not a problem. And in answering these questions for yourself, you might become aware of an invitation or core value of your own.
Nina: Here’s another story I actually just read about this Kel. So, 20 years ago, a young lawyer was absentmindedly flipping through her law school’s alumni magazine, waiting for her coffee. She landed in the section with the class updates and wasn’t surprised to read that so many of her classmates had continued to practice law. Reading about their prestigious wins gave her a small pang of jealousy. But when she read about an alum who’d become a full-time writer, her stomach dropped like an elevator.
She’d long thought about becoming a journalist or writing a book, but with the student loans and the investment she’d made in law, she shelved that with her other daydreams. She was just like, “No.” Now reading about someone else who’d taken the leap left her overwhelmed with envy and close to tears.
Kelle: Hang on, is this Gretchen Rubin you’re talking about?
Nina: Yes. This is how New York Times bestselling author Gretchen Rubin decided to pursue a career as an author. The career change didn’t happen because of a big conversation with her boss or a come to Jesus with her family. It happened because she felt desperately envious of someone else’s life.
Kelle: Yeah. Killer example of how we can let our envy be an indicator and make sure it doesn’t become what we call malicious envy.
Nina: Yeah, comparison induced envy can be a motivator and a guide. It can also make us bitter. So, this is the difference between, they have a penthouse apartment and it’s cool, they worked hard for it, and I hate that their home has panoramic views and I want them to suffer a slow, painful death.
Kelle: Oh, man. Both might be painful but benign envy motivates us to work harder to improve while malicious envy makes us kind of nasty and gross.
Nina: Yeah, malicious envy is rooted in scarcity. It’s rooted in the story that you aren’t capable, worthy, or that there’s something working against you. Malicious envy is coming from judgment and it’s just not useful.
Kelle: But a lot of the time someone else’s success is simply proof that it’s possible for you too.
Nina: Yeah, it’s thinking, I haven’t done what they have done yet, instead of hating on them for their success.
Kelle: Absolutely. So how do we respond to comparison on social media? This is rampant, right?
Nina: Yeah, the compare and despair that comes from scrolling on Instagram, for example. It’s been studied and we all know the crazy statistics, but especially for people who are already feeling down and out, people spend 225% more time on Instagram after a breakup, which only leads to more of the blues, loneliness and feeling alone in your struggles.
Kelle: Yeah. It’s important to remember that what we see on IG, what people post is a speck of their life. It’s a cool opportunity to ask ourselves, how do I know this person isn’t in fact struggling in some way?
Nina: And what am I proud of that doesn’t show up on social media?
Kelle: Yeah, the same goes for a LinkedIn post you see from an old colleague that’s hitting milestones. It’s easy to feel far behind in life when you compare yourself to one person at one point in time. But if you open your lens and your scope, compare yourself to 10 or 15 friends or peers instead of one, chances are, a bunch will be in the same boat you are.
Nina: Yeah. And those colleagues were sitting in the corner office making millions on top of the world, use your brain to really think about what a day in their life might look like. There is a lot more going on there than the millions and the cushy office.
Kelle: It’s the tip of the iceberg, really, we know this. We have to remind ourselves, so much hard work goes into that life and we’re guessing quite a bit of compromise as well. It’s badass and beautiful and full of challenges too.
Nina: We can’t end this episode without talking about the Gap and the Gain, right, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, totally. Have you heard of the Gap and the Gain? So, let’s explain, the Gap and the Gain is a book by Dan Sullivan and in it he talks about how we compare ourselves to where we want to be all the time to our ideal and this creates a lot of shame.
Nina: For me, it’s that late bloomer story that used to hold me back big time. Everyone else has what they have and I’m behind and I’m always trying to catch up. What I’ve learned to understand is while I might not be exactly where I want to be, I’m not where I used to be either. I might be right where I need to be and chances are you are too.
Kelle: It’s the difference between the gap between where you are and where you want to be and the gain, how far you’ve come. So, the gain is looking from where you started and where you are now and how far you’ve gotten along the way.
Nina: Yeah, so most people, especially high achievers like us, are unhappy because of what we compare ourselves against.
Kelle: Yeah, we all have an ideal, a future vision, which is like a moving target if you’re being real, always out of reach. When we measure ourselves against our ideal, we’re in the gap.
Nina: But when we measure ourselves against our previous selves, the person we were when we set our goals and ideals, we’re in the gain.
Kelle: Yeah. In the gain we can more clearly see the progress we’ve made. And therefore, we’ll experience the happiness, the confidence and the satisfaction that comes from achieving positive, powerful emotions that will motivate us to pursue our new goals and ultimately become increasingly successful.
Nina: It’s a small shift in thinking that’s really empowering. It’s been really helpful for me.
Kelle: Okay, so takeaways today. Comparison is a normal function of the human brain. Don’t judge yourself for comparing.
Nina: Yeah, it’s how we respond to comparison that’s so key instead of letting it make us miserable.
Kelle: Okay, and then use envy to pinpoint and identify what you value.
Nina: Yeah. Remember, you’re usually only seeing someone else’s highlight reel on social media.
Kelle: Yeah, and don’t forget about the gap and the gain. Look back and celebrate how far you’ve come and celebrate your progress.
Nina: Yeah, play with these concepts this week and see what comes up. We’d love to hear from you, so DM us on Instagram or LinkedIn and shoot us an email, kelleandnina@gmail.com, we read every single one.
Kelle: Absolutely. Alright, that’s it for today. We’ll see you next time.
Nina: See you next time. Thanks all.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: So, it makes sense that comparison is known to be the thief of joy.
Kelle: Well, here to tell you that comparison is normal. It’s human nature. In fact, if you have a human brain you will inevitably compare yourself to others.
Nina: Today we’re talking about how comparison does not have to be a problem, it isn’t a problem when you understand that the key is how you respond to comparison, how you respond to it.
Kelle: This isn’t about deleting Instagram from your phone, by the way. It’s about getting out of a scarcity mindset and thinking on purpose.
Nina: And using comparison to your advantage.
Kelle: Alright, let’s dive in and get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. So, Kel, I love that you just told us to dive in because I was in the pool this weekend and thought of you. We used to swim laps together a lot and haven’t for a while.
Kelle: Totally. I love swimming.
Nina: So I went with Toby, my 11 year old. He wants to start swimming laps or at least wanted to try and it was so nice to be back in the pool.
Kelle: I bet. I love swimming, it’s so meditative and quiet. I can’t listen to a podcast or music, so it’s just me and my thoughts and I just get to meditate and come back to me.
Nina: Yeah, it’s my alone time, no one can talk to me. No one can call me. And the hydrostatic pressure, nerd alert, of the water is so good for my leg because I have a chronic disease called primary lymphedema in my left leg and swimming is so helpful with my circulation. But anyway, while I was swimming and getting in the zone, I noticed this woman in the lane next to me. She was just an absolutely gorgeous swimmer, you know what I mean, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, totally. A beautiful swimmer really stops you in your tracks, it’s something to behold.
Nina: Yeah, my sister Steph and my sister Jen are gorgeous swimmers. They are so smooth and graceful, while my sister Hanley and I are more of the egg beaters, not pretty, but we’ll get across the pool. Hans, you know I love you, but it’s true. You know what I mean right, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, I could definitely see that.
Nina: So, I’m watching this woman next to me who very well could have been an Olympian. I mean, in Park City you can throw a tennis ball and hit an Olympian, seriously. That guy in line at Whole Foods ahead of you with the legs like tree trunks is likely an Olympic bobsledder.
Kelle: Yeah. Oh, my gosh, it’s so funny, actually, the woman that makes our Ambitious-Ish hats, our trucker hats that say an Ambitious-Ish on it, she’s a silver medalist in Torino, in bobsled, Valerie Fleming. Thanks, Valerie, Valerie and Marina, yeah.
Nina: You’re awesome. So, I noticed the woman next to me was just crushing it. And I sort of tried to race her for a sec in my egg beater way. Then I noticed her hand positioning in her freestyle as she put her hands in the water. And I’m like, “Oh, cool, I should try that, cup my hands so I pull more water in my stroke.” So, I started doing that and it worked, it was really cool.
Kelle: Yeah, that makes sense.
Nina: And then I noticed that when she initiates her kick, it starts at her hip while mine starts at my knee. So, I’m missing out on a lot of power in my kick the way I’m doing it. So, I’m like, “Okay, well, let me try that.” And it was super helpful, but then I started getting wedgies in my Speedo and it was disruptive. So, I just have to keep practicing, I guess.
Kelle: Wow, Nina, it’s starting to sound like you and Katie Ledecky are nose to nose now.
Nina: I mean, not exactly, but let me keep going. So, then I noticed that when she breathes under her arms, she kind of breathes into her armpit while I breathe into my elbow. It just sort of struck me as interesting, so I tried that too. And I started choking on water, flailing, inhaling all the water as I tried to adjust to this new way.
Kelle: Oh, my God, was the rock star swimming next to you just kind of laughing at you? I mean, she had no idea she was transforming your stroke.
Nina: All I can say is, my goggles started filling up with water because I was looking sideways at her so much with the wedgies and the coughing. The whole meditative experience I was so looking forward to was sort of lost on me. I was exhausted from taking on so much. And this is all to say that when I go into comparison I completely lose sight of my own experience, my lane. And I think I also tweaked my shoulder trying to keep up with the lane next to me.
Kelle: Yeah, we need to consistently remind ourselves to focus on our journey instead of checking the lanes next to us all the time. This applies to swimming laps and everything else in our lives, parenting, our work, relationships, I mean everything.
Nina: Yeah. What we know about comparison though is, if you have a human brain, you will always compare. It’s totally normal and a fundamental function of our brains.
Kelle: Yes, the key here is how we respond to it, how we respond to the experience of comparison.
Nina: Yeah, our brains on default are programmed to categorize, judge, and compare us to others. Our brains want to find our place in the world, where we lie in the hierarchy. This is the primitive part of our brain, and it sort of mirrors the society we live in. It’s relentless, rigid, always categorizing, it’s harsh, very much black and white. It’s survival. It’s all about comparing to figure out where we belong and if we belong.
Kelle: Our executive functioning, on the other hand, is where nuance lives. This is where we are realistic and forgiving, flexible, humble, and creative. Our prefrontal cortex, our executive functioning, is like a wise adult. And a wise adult knows that belonging is a feeling that is created by our thoughts. It has nothing to do with anything outside of us. This is how we respond to comparison realistically and create safety and belonging for ourselves.
Nina: Yeah, but back to comparison for a sec. Brené Brown is one of our queens. If you’ve been listening for a while, you know, we quote her work often. Brené has a PhD and has a master’s in social work and has dedicated most of her research to the study of emotions. While she doesn’t call comparison an emotion, she calls it an experience and she defines it as the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other. It’s trying to fit in and simultaneously stand out.
Kelle: Yeah, basically comparison says be like everyone else, but better. And social comparison is something we are hardwired to do. It happens to us. It’s not really a choice so give yourselves a break here.
Nina: Like we said, the key to comparison is how we respond to it, how we let it affect us. So, my new strategy in the pool is to mentally high five the person next to me before I get going and say, “Have a great swim.” That way I acknowledge the inevitable comparison that’s bound to happen, and I’m wishing them well and so, I can return to my swim and stay in my lane.
Kelle: Yeah, we can almost always choose connection over comparison. But let’s back up. Have you ever hit a professional milestone or a personal one, only to find yourself less than 24 hours later having an Instagram triggered crisis tumbling down the black hole of, I’ll never be good enough?
Nina: Oh, my gosh, one time. I saw my boss’s kitchen in the background of a photo she was showing me of her kids. And I was like, “What the fuck, will I ever have a kitchen like that? It’s fabulous. Mine sucks. Am I ever going to get to that level?” And what that level meant wasn’t even clear to me. Did I want to be my boss, be a better cook, or just have a nice kitchen? It was all of it.
Kelle: So, let’s look at some research here. Studies show that 75% of people reported they recently assessed their self-worth by comparing themselves with others. We’re guessing you’ve found yourself in a similar spiral. Relentlessly pitting yourself against others can make you feel resentful and anxious and impulsive. True story here, I can’t remember where I read this, but people are more likely to go bankrupt after their neighbors win the lottery. Did you know that?
Nina: Oh, my gosh. I mean, it kind of makes sense, but that’s bananas. Comparison inevitably sparks envy and both make us feel kind of ashamed. And our modern world makes it hard not to constantly do and feel both. You can track your progress against someone else’s pretty much everywhere. Glassdoor salaries, the peloton leaderboard, home square footages, Strava, vacation selfies and more. They can all be pulled up with a simple Google search.
Nina: Yeah, this is the same on social media. We compare our entire lives, dumpster fires and all, to someone else’s three one second snapshots in time, or said differently, their highlight reel.
Kelle: Here’s another one our clients bump into. They tell us, “I’ll be happy when X, Y, Z happens. That’s when I’ll feel amazing and stop comparing myself to everyone.” We know as coaches, this isn’t a goal. It’s actually a trap.
Nina: Yeah, because the nature of comparison is to continually reassess where we stand. So, if you’re not onto yourself and you hit that one finish line, you’re bound to start eyeing the next one in no time.
Kelle: Welcome to the iconic hamster wheel.
Nina: Yeah. Once you climb one mountain, you barely celebrate before you’re planning to climb the next because comparison says it’s time to up-level again to survive, to belong.
Kelle: Yeah. And the answer here isn’t to stop comparing, to delete Instagram or stop dreaming.
Nina: No, no, no. Like we said, comparison is completely normal and part of the human experience, but unchecked it can make us feel miserable. So, let’s talk about how to work through comparison to respond to it in an empowering way. Let’s take it back to the pool for a sec.
Kelle: Nina, it always comes back to the pool with you.
Nina: See what we did there? Yeah, picture yourself at the pool and maybe you’ve got what we call the fun five going on right now. It’s those five extra pounds you’re carrying on your body that you sort of hate, but that are the result of your summer fun choices like margaritas and ice-cream cones and rosé all day and BBQ.
Kelle: Yes, so you’re a little self-conscious kind of slipping into the pool, hiding under your towel when you can, avoiding the fries on your kids plate, wishing the fun five would disappear, when you notice this other woman who’s rocking what you might call the fun 15 or 20.
Nina: And while your brain goes to compare and judge all the things, there is this tinge of envy that comes up for you too. This happens a lot when we compare, envy is a big one.
Kelle: Yeah, she’s rocking the fun 15, not self-conscious at all. She’s jumping in and out of the pool, not hiding in her towels, and by no means strutting her stuff, but walking around the pool seemingly not at all preoccupied with her body.
Nina: Yeah, envy is interesting, it’s different than jealousy.
Kelle: Envy occurs when we want something that the other person has. And jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.
Nina: Yeah. Back to Brené, our queen, Brené Brown says envy typically involves two people and occurs when one lacks something enjoyed by another. The target of envy might be a person or group of people. But the focus of envy is that one lacks something compared with a specific target.
Kelle: Jealousy typically involves three people and occurs when one fears losing someone to the other person. Envy and jealousy result from different situations.
Nina: Yeah. Where we’re going here is, comparison induced envy can teach you what you value. You’re more likely to feel intense admiration or envy when you see someone doing something that you want for yourself, even if you haven’t consciously allowed yourself to want it.
Kelle: Yeah, self-awareness helps you turn your feelings into something useful. The next time you feel envy, like when you’re at the pool, explore what it’s telling you and ask yourself these four questions.
Nina: Yeah, these are super helpful.
Kelle: Number one. What do they have that makes me feel less than? And then the second question. What void would that fill for me? Number three. Do I really want what they have? And four, if yes, is it worth taking action to try to get it?
Nina: Yeah. So, for me in this circumstance, I’m kind of envious of the freedom that I assume that woman at the pool feels, if I’m being real, the carefree confidence, the yeah, I’ve got cellulite, take it or leave it energy. And this might be an invitation for me to take a look at my self-concept and how I think and feel about my body. Perhaps work to let go of my own fun five, having been inspired by this woman at the pool.
Kelle: So, all we’re saying here is that envy can be an indicator, not a problem. And in answering these questions for yourself, you might become aware of an invitation or core value of your own.
Nina: Here’s another story I actually just read about this Kel. So, 20 years ago, a young lawyer was absentmindedly flipping through her law school’s alumni magazine, waiting for her coffee. She landed in the section with the class updates and wasn’t surprised to read that so many of her classmates had continued to practice law. Reading about their prestigious wins gave her a small pang of jealousy. But when she read about an alum who’d become a full-time writer, her stomach dropped like an elevator.
She’d long thought about becoming a journalist or writing a book, but with the student loans and the investment she’d made in law, she shelved that with her other daydreams. She was just like, “No.” Now reading about someone else who’d taken the leap left her overwhelmed with envy and close to tears.
Kelle: Hang on, is this Gretchen Rubin you’re talking about?
Nina: Yes. This is how New York Times bestselling author Gretchen Rubin decided to pursue a career as an author. The career change didn’t happen because of a big conversation with her boss or a come to Jesus with her family. It happened because she felt desperately envious of someone else’s life.
Kelle: Yeah. Killer example of how we can let our envy be an indicator and make sure it doesn’t become what we call malicious envy.
Nina: Yeah, comparison induced envy can be a motivator and a guide. It can also make us bitter. So, this is the difference between, they have a penthouse apartment and it’s cool, they worked hard for it, and I hate that their home has panoramic views and I want them to suffer a slow, painful death.
Kelle: Oh, man. Both might be painful but benign envy motivates us to work harder to improve while malicious envy makes us kind of nasty and gross.
Nina: Yeah, malicious envy is rooted in scarcity. It’s rooted in the story that you aren’t capable, worthy, or that there’s something working against you. Malicious envy is coming from judgment and it’s just not useful.
Kelle: But a lot of the time someone else’s success is simply proof that it’s possible for you too.
Nina: Yeah, it’s thinking, I haven’t done what they have done yet, instead of hating on them for their success.
Kelle: Absolutely. So how do we respond to comparison on social media? This is rampant, right?
Nina: Yeah, the compare and despair that comes from scrolling on Instagram, for example. It’s been studied and we all know the crazy statistics, but especially for people who are already feeling down and out, people spend 225% more time on Instagram after a breakup, which only leads to more of the blues, loneliness and feeling alone in your struggles.
Kelle: Yeah. It’s important to remember that what we see on IG, what people post is a speck of their life. It’s a cool opportunity to ask ourselves, how do I know this person isn’t in fact struggling in some way?
Nina: And what am I proud of that doesn’t show up on social media?
Kelle: Yeah, the same goes for a LinkedIn post you see from an old colleague that’s hitting milestones. It’s easy to feel far behind in life when you compare yourself to one person at one point in time. But if you open your lens and your scope, compare yourself to 10 or 15 friends or peers instead of one, chances are, a bunch will be in the same boat you are.
Nina: Yeah. And those colleagues were sitting in the corner office making millions on top of the world, use your brain to really think about what a day in their life might look like. There is a lot more going on there than the millions and the cushy office.
Kelle: It’s the tip of the iceberg, really, we know this. We have to remind ourselves, so much hard work goes into that life and we’re guessing quite a bit of compromise as well. It’s badass and beautiful and full of challenges too.
Nina: We can’t end this episode without talking about the Gap and the Gain, right, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, totally. Have you heard of the Gap and the Gain? So, let’s explain, the Gap and the Gain is a book by Dan Sullivan and in it he talks about how we compare ourselves to where we want to be all the time to our ideal and this creates a lot of shame.
Nina: For me, it’s that late bloomer story that used to hold me back big time. Everyone else has what they have and I’m behind and I’m always trying to catch up. What I’ve learned to understand is while I might not be exactly where I want to be, I’m not where I used to be either. I might be right where I need to be and chances are you are too.
Kelle: It’s the difference between the gap between where you are and where you want to be and the gain, how far you’ve come. So, the gain is looking from where you started and where you are now and how far you’ve gotten along the way.
Nina: Yeah, so most people, especially high achievers like us, are unhappy because of what we compare ourselves against.
Kelle: Yeah, we all have an ideal, a future vision, which is like a moving target if you’re being real, always out of reach. When we measure ourselves against our ideal, we’re in the gap.
Nina: But when we measure ourselves against our previous selves, the person we were when we set our goals and ideals, we’re in the gain.
Kelle: Yeah. In the gain we can more clearly see the progress we’ve made. And therefore, we’ll experience the happiness, the confidence and the satisfaction that comes from achieving positive, powerful emotions that will motivate us to pursue our new goals and ultimately become increasingly successful.
Nina: It’s a small shift in thinking that’s really empowering. It’s been really helpful for me.
Kelle: Okay, so takeaways today. Comparison is a normal function of the human brain. Don’t judge yourself for comparing.
Nina: Yeah, it’s how we respond to comparison that’s so key instead of letting it make us miserable.
Kelle: Okay, and then use envy to pinpoint and identify what you value.
Nina: Yeah. Remember, you’re usually only seeing someone else’s highlight reel on social media.
Kelle: Yeah, and don’t forget about the gap and the gain. Look back and celebrate how far you’ve come and celebrate your progress.
Nina: Yeah, play with these concepts this week and see what comes up. We’d love to hear from you, so DM us on Instagram or LinkedIn and shoot us an email, kelleandnina@gmail.com, we read every single one.
Kelle: Absolutely. Alright, that’s it for today. We’ll see you next time.
Nina: See you next time. Thanks all.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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