33. How Effective Boundaries Protect Your Energy: Burnout Mini-Series Part 5
Do you feel like you're constantly striving for success, but at the cost of your own well-being? It's time to talk about the life-changing power of setting effective boundaries because boundaries aren’t just important… they’re absolutely essential for maintaining your energy and preventing burnout.
You’ve never experienced boundaries taught like we teach them in the fifth and final part of our burnout mini-series. Setting proper boundaries will empower you to create a sustainable path to success in all areas of your life. By the end of this episode, you'll have the tools and mindset shifts needed to start setting boundaries in a way that allows you to thrive both personally and professionally.
Tune in this week to discover how to set boundaries with confidence and clarity, so you can protect your time and focus on what truly matters. We discuss the common difficulties of people-pleasing, self-doubt, and perfectionism that often lead to burnout, and offer practical strategies for overcoming these challenges.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why boundaries are about what you will do to protect yourself, not about controlling others.
How to establish clear boundaries with confidence and clarity.
The role of people-pleasing, self-doubt, and perfectionism in contributing to burnout.
A powerful format for setting effective boundaries in your life.
Practical examples of setting boundaries in personal and professional contexts.
Why you don’t need to tell anybody else what your boundaries are in order to uphold them.
How to allow for the emotional discomfort of setting boundaries, and set them anyway.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
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Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
Let us know what you think of the show so far and what you’d like to hear more of or less of over on Instagram!
29. 5 Burnout Warning Signs Every Ambitious Woman Should Know: Burnout Mini-Series Part 1
30. Prevent Burnout by Completing Your Stress Cycle: Burnout Mini-Series Part 2
31. Overcome Burnout by Being Intentional and Slowing Down: Burnout Mini-Series Part 3
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Hey, Ambitious-Ish listeners, are you feeling drained and overwhelmed in your pursuit of success? It’s time to take a step back and talk about the life-changing power of boundaries.
Nina: Yes, in this episode, we’re diving into why setting boundaries isn’t just important, it’s essential for maintaining your energy and preventing burnout.
Kelle: Yeah, we’ll share practical tips on how to establish those boundaries with confidence and clarity so you can protect your time and focus on what truly matters.
Nina: I don’t think you’ve ever heard boundaries talked about and taught like we’re going to do it today. So instead of taking your place at the back of the line, stay tuned to learn how setting proper boundaries empowers you to create a sustainable path to success at home, at work, in your relationships, and beyond.
Kelle: Alright, let’s get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. Kelle, the wildfire smoke today.
Kelle: Oh, my God, no. I don’t even know if we’re going to have soccer tonight. It’s crazy.
Nina: Yeah, our PE in school was just canceled, our adventure PE. And I went for a walk this morning and my hair smells like wildfire.
Kelle: Yeah, that’s awful.
Nina: Yeah. Yucky. Anyway, so everyone, cross your fingers for us here in Park City and beyond. We were both just in Jackson Hole this weekend and it was so smoky up there too. So, pray to the rain gods, do a rain dance.
Kelle: Yeah, let’s do it.
Nina: Okay, so let’s jump into today’s episode. Welcome to the fifth and final episode of our burnout mini-series.
Kelle: Yay. Okay, yeah, this is not as mini of a series as we thought it was going to be and that’s okay.
Nina: Yeah, totally. We kind of just went with this series intuitively. And when we thought we were done, we were like, “Wait, we have to talk about this or wait we haven’t done that.”
Kelle: Yeah, but I think a conversation around boundaries is like a beautiful bow to tie on the series as we box it up.
Nina: Totally, yeah. So, we’ve walked you through some burnout alarm bells, the anatomy of the stress cycle and how to complete it. We’ve shown you how slowing down and unplugging can stick a pin in the possibility of burnout. And how your tendency to be overly responsible is giving you a false sense of control and how it’s actually kind of sucking the pleasure, joy, delight, rest and relaxation out of your life.
Kelle: Yeah, those were the first four episodes of this series. Go check them out if you haven’t already. And we’ve repeated this often in this mini-series, but burnout is the sum total of hundreds and thousands of tiny betrayals of purpose, each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice. We’ve unwittingly abandoned ourselves when we find ourselves in burnout. We’ve neglected ourselves, and burnout is an opportunity to check-in. It’s an invitation to get curious about where you’re putting your energy and why.
Nina: Yeah, we’re not just pouring from an empty physical pot in burnout. It’s an emotional pot too, an empty emotional pot.
Kelle: And at the root of all of our overworking and overdoing and overwhelm is this belief that anything less is worthless.
Nina: And listen, this is exactly what society has taught us to believe. So, give yourselves a break, rock stars. We are the rule followers. We’ve written rules for ourselves according to what’s been rewarded in our lives along the way.
Kelle: Yeah, even when we talked about proper boundaries in the first part of this episode, proper kind of just gives me, I don’t know, just makes my skin crawl a little bit and it goes along with that be nice, be polite, be good and be quiet and be strong.
Nina: We have been so good at following the rules and now it’s time to rewrite them carefully and gently so we break the burnout cycle. Sound fun?
Kelle: Oh, my God, so fun.
Nina: Yeah. This is where we get into relationship with our people pleasing, our self-doubt and perfectionism, all of which lie at the root of our burnout. When we’re in relationship with these things, it means we’re aware of them and we can create balance with them.
Kelle: Yeah. When we meet our Ambitious-Ish clients, they’re so frustrated in their lives. They’re so tired of striving to be the A+ citizen, but feeling terrible in the process. They don’t understand anything else, that’s the problem.
Nina: Yeah. And what’s holding them back is anything less than an A+ is a fail, it’s failure.
Kelle: Yeah, that all or nothing thinking feels awful.
Nina: Totally. And so, they’re scrambling to keep their heads above water most days in complete fear of what anything less than A+ means without the tools to feel safe in maybe a B+ way of living, being and feeling.
Kelle: Yeah. This is where ease and calm and rest and relaxation and pleasure and delight live.
Nina: What they used to think success looked like, doesn’t really land anymore.
Kelle: It’s causing a lot of pain and burnout and eliminates the existence of pleasure and relaxation, delight and happiness. We tell ourselves these are indulgent, unnecessary and even selfish when we give so much value and importance to what we do and what we accomplish. We need to do it all or it won’t get done. We’re so overly burdened by our obligations, we make everything our responsibility because otherwise we feel out of control.
Nina: Yeah. From your son’s anxiety and your aging parents’ health to your partner’s satisfaction in the bedroom, your boss’s critical feedback, your colleagues’ attitude, your ranking as a top producer, and your BFF’s rude text message, everything.
Kelle: Burnout can make pleasure and happiness and delight non-existent.
Nina: Yeah. So how do we bring those back into existence, out of extinction as one client put it?
Kelle: It’s the B word, boundaries. We need to protect what’s important to us.
Nina: Yes, we need to talk about how to set and honor boundaries. And we’re going to do that today in a way you’ve probably never heard before.
Kelle: Yeah, until I came to coaching, I didn’t know how to set an actual boundary, a proper boundary, did you?
Nina: No, for sure not. So, let’s get clear here.
Kelle: Yeah. This is an episode you’re going to want to save and come back to and forward to your friends so that we can all start setting boundaries the proper way and start to actually enjoy the life we work so hard to create.
Nina: Yeah, when you do, you create time and space for so much more.
Kelle: We weren’t taught how to set boundaries, and so we’re often disempowered when we set them and they aren’t honored.
Nina: Yeah. Boundaries are not something we do to control other people. Boundaries are always something you set for yourself. They aren’t a way of controlling other people. But it’s common to set a boundary and someone doesn’t respect that boundary. The boundary isn’t there, so they respect it. The boundary is there so that you have a plan for what you will do when someone crosses the boundary. Boundaries are all about how you take care of yourself when someone doesn’t honor your request.
Kelle: Yeah. Boundaries are about what you will do to protect your boundary, not about what they need to do to make you feel better, because PS, we cannot control other people.
Nina: Yeah, boundaries put an end to our people pleasing. They are limits or rules we set for ourselves with other people.
Kelle: Yeah, they’re the line between you and the other person. Boundaries delineate where you end and they begin. They’re how we care for and protect ourselves, they’re like self-care.
Nina: Yeah, and the format for setting a boundary is, if you do, fill in the blank, then I will, fill in the blank.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s this if then format that’s so key.
Nina: And the consequences of a boundary violation are always an action you take.
Kelle: Okay, so let’s start with a seemingly benign example. If your mom keeps showing up at your home at your front door, unannounced, the boundary might be that mom can’t come to my house unannounced and if she does then I’m not going to answer the door.
Nina: Yeah, the boundary isn’t to stop your mom from coming over to your house. You can’t control her. The boundary is so that you don’t have a big debate with yourself about whether you should answer the door or if you’re being a bad daughter, etc.
Kelle: Perpetuating our people pleasing here, right?
Nina: Yeah, the boundary is so that you know what you’re going to do. You decide ahead of time to not answer the door. You like your reason. You stop overthinking it. You like your reasons why, you have your own back on this and your own support and this is what you’re going to do.
Kelle: And listen, you might have a lot of evidence that your mom doesn’t respect this boundary, she comes over a lot, for example. So, you get to decide what you want to do with this relationship. Do you want to keep interacting with her? If so, how can you think about your boundaries as something you’re doing for you?
Nina: Because embedded in this is your belief that your mother should respect your boundaries. Are we right? And we could all agree that, yeah, she should, but she doesn’t. And this is where so much of our suffering comes from. We think everyone should operate according to our instruction manuals, right?
Kelle: Yes, we talked about this concept of manuals back in episode 21, all about letting people be who they are and letting go of that desire to control them because that’s what’s going on here. When we set boundaries in this upside down way, we try to control the other person. We’re trying to control something we can’t control.
Nina: And we’re consistently disappointed. We feel disempowered and suffer a lot because we’re telling ourselves that they are not honoring our boundary when they might never honor our boundary because they have free will. But a boundary isn’t there for them to respect it. It’s your plan for what happens when someone crosses the boundary.
Kelle: Yeah. How does it help you to focus on how she should be honoring your boundary? This is what our brains do. So, if your mom continues to act against your boundary, your only job is to uphold the boundary for yourself.
Nina: But if you focus on how she should be different, you’re going to be in a lot of suffering. You’re arguing with reality and we’re guessing it’s causing you a lot of angst and frustration and anxiety, and that hurts your relationship with your mom even more.
Kelle: It’s the belief that she should be different that’s causing you pain, not the fact that she is disrespecting your boundary here. Does this make sense?
Nina: Yeah. So, by changing your understanding of boundaries, you can feel so much better here. It starts with your thinking, how you’re approaching boundaries. But the sneaky thought and belief that she shouldn’t be the way she is, might hold you back here so you’ve got to get over that.
Kelle: We all get to be the way we are. Isn’t that awesome? We humans get to be the way we are. So, I bet your mom thinks you should be a certain way. Maybe she comes to the door because she thinks you should talk on the phone more and you don’t so she comes to your front door. Who knows? That might be her thought process. And yours might be, mom, don’t come to my effing door all the time. We’re just spitballing here.
Nina: But yeah, if we want autonomy to live our life according to what we think and believe, so does everyone else. So, setting boundaries has to be about your plan, what you will do to protect yourself when someone shows up the way they do from their own free will. This is all about being the creator of your life and your results. When we’re the creators of our life and we’re in what we call self-authorship, the world and our life happens by us, for us and through us.
Kelle: Yeah. When we uphold boundaries, we’re not at the effect of life. We aren’t blaming the people and circumstances around us for our feelings and results. We are responding to those circumstances with an empowered mindset, okay, now what? This is what’s going on. Who do I want to be under these circumstances? This is all about taking personal responsibility. This is a big part of what we’ve talked about before, this idea of self-leadership.
Nina: Yeah. And on the flipside, when we don’t uphold boundaries, the world is happening to us, at us, against us. We’re at the effect of the world and this is where a lot of people live their lives. We tell ourselves we’re being disrespected, or that we feel out of control, we feel anxious and guilty and stressed, and we often become burned out.
Kelle: We need to interrupt this pattern and boundaries are a great place to start.
Nina: So, boundaries don’t protect you from other people crossing them and they don’t protect you from negative emotions. You’re in emotional adulthood when you set and uphold boundaries.
Kelle: Okay, this is gold. Let’s take a look here. You can’t set boundaries and expect your mom to do as you ask, so you feel better, that’s your responsibility. You’re also responsible for your emotions you feel when you follow through on the boundary.
Nina: Yeah, let’s talk about what you’re going to need to feel to uphold a boundary. Guilty, afraid, uncertain, maybe even selfish.
Kelle: Yeah. And we’re going to need to feel negative emotions when we follow through on a boundary we set with someone. And when I say negative emotion, it’s really just not feeling good, not necessarily feeling good because it doesn’t necessarily feel good to follow through on a boundary. We sometimes have to do it scared, we have to do it guilty or ashamed or uncertain or selfish.
Nina: And none of this has to be a problem. Fear doesn’t have to be a problem, neither does guilt or uncertainty. You kind of have to gag and go as one of our coaches says, you have to gag through those uncomfortable emotions and do it anyway.
Kelle: Gag and go. Olivia, we love you so much.
Nina: Your brain seeks pleasure and wants to avoid pain. It wants to think and do things it’s always done. Change doesn’t feel good. That’s why we avoid doing it in so many areas of our lives. The gag and go concept here is about feeling scared and doing it anyway in the direction of growth, in the direction of self-care, in setting these boundaries. To stop people pleasing, for example, is going to feel really uncomfortable and that makes complete sense from a brain science perspective.
Kelle: And here is a big one. We might have to feel misunderstood by the other person when we uphold the boundary, this is so key. Mic drop here.
Nina: Yeah, they are going to have opinions of us, no matter what we do. They might say, “Wow, you’re being so bossy or such a brat or so entitled,” or fill in the blank. And that guilt or selfishness you might feel when you stand up for yourself and follow through on a boundary might require you to let that other person be wrong about you. When you give their opinions of you more importance than your boundary, you perpetuate the people pleasing and potentially your burnout.
Kelle: This is a huge practice for all of the people pleasing we do. Let them misunderstand you, rock stars. Let them be wrong. You don’t have to explain or over-explain anything.
Nina: And again, we’re redundant when it’s important, but boundaries are what you do to take care of yourself, the actions you take, not what someone else needs to do.
Kelle: Okay, say you don’t want to talk politics with someone in your family, you can ask them not to do so, but remember, a boundary is about what you will do. So, no matter how many times you ask, they can come talk about politics because they have free will. So, your boundary might be that you leave the room when they talk politics or end the conversation or walk away.
Nina: Yeah. And you don’t have to make that request out loud, rock stars. You can just tell yourself that you will not talk politics with family members, it’s just a pact you make with yourself. And then you follow through for yourself when it happens. Same goes when you decide not to respond to emails over the weekend, for example. You don’t have to send an office-wide email to your team explaining this boundary. You can just decide that if you get emails over the weekend, then you will respond on Monday.
Kelle: You can totally send an office-wide email explaining your boundary, though, totally can.
Nina: You don’t have to, though, is the point. This can just be something you decide for yourself.
Kelle: Awesome. Yeah, it’s not required to communicate a boundary ahead of time so it’s your call. As long as you draw the line for yourself and follow through, that’s really all that matters, that’s what counts.
Nina: And you might be judged here, this is so key. Your team members might have thoughts about your lack of response over the weekend, and it’s your job to let them misunderstand you or judge you.
Kelle: Yeah. This is when we need to talk about the difference between a threat and a boundary, right?
Nina: Right. So, if you’ve set a boundary and it’s violated and you don’t honor the consequences you’ve set, you don’t honor your boundary, it’s actually a threat, an empty threat.
Kelle: When you don’t follow through, you’re just threatening them. Other people don’t have to do anything you want them to do. Boundaries aren’t intended to control other people’s behavior because you simply can’t.
Nina: So, the follow through here and feeling the uncomfortable emotions that accompany that follow through is so key. It’s about you having your own back and developing trust with yourself, to protect yourself and keep yourself from people pleasing or doing things you don’t want to do. It’s the action you take to take care of yourself.
Kelle: This comes up a lot with clients and in our own lives when we’re uncomfortable, for example, with someone else’s drinking habits. When we have someone in our lives who has a tendency to overdrink, we can’t tell them to stop or slow down. Actually, I mean we can, but we can’t expect them to change. We can’t expect them to do what we say, because we can’t control, fix or change other people.
Nina: We can create a boundary that looks like if they overdrink then I will leave the room, put the booze away, not engage with them, definitely not get in the car with them and potentially leave the relationship for a time to keep yourself safe.
Kelle: Yeah. This leads to another misconception that it’s another person’s job to respect your boundaries. Not true. It’s only your job. You have free will and they may not respect your boundaries. The only person who needs to respect your boundaries is you.
Nina: Boundaries aren’t ultimatums, they aren’t about manipulating someone or controlling other people’s behavior.
Kelle: Yeah, and they aren’t an excuse to blame other people for your behavior.
Nina: So true. We hear this a lot: my boss made me stay late at work this week or I have to do X, Y, Z for my kids or the client. Here’s the thing, no one’s forcing you to do anything. The only things you really have to do in life are eat, drink water, breathe and sleep, I think. So, this is you stepping into emotional adulthood and owning your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Your boss made a request, and instead of honoring your boundary of leaving work at a reasonable time you decided to make them happy, to people please and work late. If we’re being real, we’re calling it like it is.
Kelle: That reminds me of this broker that we were working with. And she would get so upset that clients would call her at eight o’clock at night. And she would just get so annoyed she’d let it eat away at her. Then she would still call them back or do whatever they were asking. And that led to her burnout, that led to her calling us in the first place. So, it really is her setting a boundary for her clients, she doesn’t have to tell them.
But if the client calls and you set a boundary with yourself to not answer calls after eight o’clock at night, after seven o’clock at night, it’s up to you to withhold the boundary and feel some feelings along the way. So, see how we’re making choices here? No one’s forcing you to take the actions you take. You’re enforcing your own free will. So maybe check in on those choices you’re making and re-decide how you want to show up, what you want to say yes to, what you want to say no to, and like your reasons why.
Nina: Okay, let’s walk through a few more examples here. This one actually comes up a lot these days, food preferences or restrictions or allergies, right?
Kelle: Yeah, totally. So, you’re invited to a friend’s for dinner, and let’s say you’re not eating gluten and they’re serving pasta. You can make a request or let them know about your restriction, but you can’t expect them to respect your boundary to be gluten free.
Nina: Yeah. So that boundary might look like, if they serve gluten, I will fill my plate with salad or double up on the sides instead of pasta, or if they serve pasta, I will bring my own food or meal to supplement, right?
Kelle: Yeah. And let’s check in on your reason why. You feel so much better when you don’t eat gluten. It’s a big part of how you take care of yourself, right?
Nina: Right. And what feelings are you going to have to feel in order to uphold that boundary? Let’s decide now and make them not a problem.
Kelle: I’ll have to feel a little guilt, some embarrassment, maybe even a little high maintenance. I can feel apologetic. Maybe that’s shame. Maybe there’s something wrong with me that I can’t sit down and eat what’s being served.
Nina: And this is totally your brain, braining. When we start to poke holes in our people pleasing habits, our brains will freak out a little bit. They’ll think thoughts that will keep us in the cave, so to speak, where it’s safe, where we’ve always been, saying yes when we really mean no, for example.
Kelle: Okay. A big one we bump into with clients is about overworking.
Nina: So, a boundary is not saying, “You can’t ask me to work more, or she needs to stop giving me more work.” They can absolutely keep giving you work.
Kelle: Yeah. And what happens with so many clients is, even though they can’t take on more work, they do it anyway, they say yes, and then they’re resentful.
Nina: And this makes sense. There is this history of constant striving to please, to be the go to person, the reliable one, that never lets anyone down, superstar.
Kelle: Yeah, but it’s so exhausting, isn’t it?
Nina: And here’s the thing, every time you say yes, when you really mean no, a little part of your authentic self fades into the background.
Kelle: You’re not just agreeing to something you don’t want. You’re saying no to yourself, your needs and your boundaries.
Nina: We know this dance all too well, rock stars. So how do lifelong rule followers start to break the rules? One at a time, gently and slowly.
Kelle: So, starting to say no to more work and the unreasonable deadlines that come with it might look like, if they give me more work then I will tell them I have other priorities and can get to the project in a week.
Nina: Or if they give me more work, then I will say no and work with them to see if another team member has bandwidth.
Kelle: Okay, I like these because they’re solution focused, right?
Nina: Yeah, we don’t want to kind of be eff you to the team. We want to be solution focused. We want to get the job done. When we stop reacting the way we always have, say yes when we really mean no, we aren’t allowing our past to control us, we aren’t perpetuating those old behaviors. And this is what coaching and growth is all about.
Kelle: And this is how you start to actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: Boundaries are so key here. We hope this was helpful for you.
Kelle: Yeah, let us know what your takeaways are here. Shoot us an email at kelleandnina@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram. We love hearing from you.
Nina: Yeah, we’d love to hear from you. Thanks for being here today.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks all, see you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Yes, in this episode, we’re diving into why setting boundaries isn’t just important, it’s essential for maintaining your energy and preventing burnout.
Kelle: Yeah, we’ll share practical tips on how to establish those boundaries with confidence and clarity so you can protect your time and focus on what truly matters.
Nina: I don’t think you’ve ever heard boundaries talked about and taught like we’re going to do it today. So instead of taking your place at the back of the line, stay tuned to learn how setting proper boundaries empowers you to create a sustainable path to success at home, at work, in your relationships, and beyond.
Kelle: Alright, let’s get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. Kelle, the wildfire smoke today.
Kelle: Oh, my God, no. I don’t even know if we’re going to have soccer tonight. It’s crazy.
Nina: Yeah, our PE in school was just canceled, our adventure PE. And I went for a walk this morning and my hair smells like wildfire.
Kelle: Yeah, that’s awful.
Nina: Yeah. Yucky. Anyway, so everyone, cross your fingers for us here in Park City and beyond. We were both just in Jackson Hole this weekend and it was so smoky up there too. So, pray to the rain gods, do a rain dance.
Kelle: Yeah, let’s do it.
Nina: Okay, so let’s jump into today’s episode. Welcome to the fifth and final episode of our burnout mini-series.
Kelle: Yay. Okay, yeah, this is not as mini of a series as we thought it was going to be and that’s okay.
Nina: Yeah, totally. We kind of just went with this series intuitively. And when we thought we were done, we were like, “Wait, we have to talk about this or wait we haven’t done that.”
Kelle: Yeah, but I think a conversation around boundaries is like a beautiful bow to tie on the series as we box it up.
Nina: Totally, yeah. So, we’ve walked you through some burnout alarm bells, the anatomy of the stress cycle and how to complete it. We’ve shown you how slowing down and unplugging can stick a pin in the possibility of burnout. And how your tendency to be overly responsible is giving you a false sense of control and how it’s actually kind of sucking the pleasure, joy, delight, rest and relaxation out of your life.
Kelle: Yeah, those were the first four episodes of this series. Go check them out if you haven’t already. And we’ve repeated this often in this mini-series, but burnout is the sum total of hundreds and thousands of tiny betrayals of purpose, each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice. We’ve unwittingly abandoned ourselves when we find ourselves in burnout. We’ve neglected ourselves, and burnout is an opportunity to check-in. It’s an invitation to get curious about where you’re putting your energy and why.
Nina: Yeah, we’re not just pouring from an empty physical pot in burnout. It’s an emotional pot too, an empty emotional pot.
Kelle: And at the root of all of our overworking and overdoing and overwhelm is this belief that anything less is worthless.
Nina: And listen, this is exactly what society has taught us to believe. So, give yourselves a break, rock stars. We are the rule followers. We’ve written rules for ourselves according to what’s been rewarded in our lives along the way.
Kelle: Yeah, even when we talked about proper boundaries in the first part of this episode, proper kind of just gives me, I don’t know, just makes my skin crawl a little bit and it goes along with that be nice, be polite, be good and be quiet and be strong.
Nina: We have been so good at following the rules and now it’s time to rewrite them carefully and gently so we break the burnout cycle. Sound fun?
Kelle: Oh, my God, so fun.
Nina: Yeah. This is where we get into relationship with our people pleasing, our self-doubt and perfectionism, all of which lie at the root of our burnout. When we’re in relationship with these things, it means we’re aware of them and we can create balance with them.
Kelle: Yeah. When we meet our Ambitious-Ish clients, they’re so frustrated in their lives. They’re so tired of striving to be the A+ citizen, but feeling terrible in the process. They don’t understand anything else, that’s the problem.
Nina: Yeah. And what’s holding them back is anything less than an A+ is a fail, it’s failure.
Kelle: Yeah, that all or nothing thinking feels awful.
Nina: Totally. And so, they’re scrambling to keep their heads above water most days in complete fear of what anything less than A+ means without the tools to feel safe in maybe a B+ way of living, being and feeling.
Kelle: Yeah. This is where ease and calm and rest and relaxation and pleasure and delight live.
Nina: What they used to think success looked like, doesn’t really land anymore.
Kelle: It’s causing a lot of pain and burnout and eliminates the existence of pleasure and relaxation, delight and happiness. We tell ourselves these are indulgent, unnecessary and even selfish when we give so much value and importance to what we do and what we accomplish. We need to do it all or it won’t get done. We’re so overly burdened by our obligations, we make everything our responsibility because otherwise we feel out of control.
Nina: Yeah. From your son’s anxiety and your aging parents’ health to your partner’s satisfaction in the bedroom, your boss’s critical feedback, your colleagues’ attitude, your ranking as a top producer, and your BFF’s rude text message, everything.
Kelle: Burnout can make pleasure and happiness and delight non-existent.
Nina: Yeah. So how do we bring those back into existence, out of extinction as one client put it?
Kelle: It’s the B word, boundaries. We need to protect what’s important to us.
Nina: Yes, we need to talk about how to set and honor boundaries. And we’re going to do that today in a way you’ve probably never heard before.
Kelle: Yeah, until I came to coaching, I didn’t know how to set an actual boundary, a proper boundary, did you?
Nina: No, for sure not. So, let’s get clear here.
Kelle: Yeah. This is an episode you’re going to want to save and come back to and forward to your friends so that we can all start setting boundaries the proper way and start to actually enjoy the life we work so hard to create.
Nina: Yeah, when you do, you create time and space for so much more.
Kelle: We weren’t taught how to set boundaries, and so we’re often disempowered when we set them and they aren’t honored.
Nina: Yeah. Boundaries are not something we do to control other people. Boundaries are always something you set for yourself. They aren’t a way of controlling other people. But it’s common to set a boundary and someone doesn’t respect that boundary. The boundary isn’t there, so they respect it. The boundary is there so that you have a plan for what you will do when someone crosses the boundary. Boundaries are all about how you take care of yourself when someone doesn’t honor your request.
Kelle: Yeah. Boundaries are about what you will do to protect your boundary, not about what they need to do to make you feel better, because PS, we cannot control other people.
Nina: Yeah, boundaries put an end to our people pleasing. They are limits or rules we set for ourselves with other people.
Kelle: Yeah, they’re the line between you and the other person. Boundaries delineate where you end and they begin. They’re how we care for and protect ourselves, they’re like self-care.
Nina: Yeah, and the format for setting a boundary is, if you do, fill in the blank, then I will, fill in the blank.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s this if then format that’s so key.
Nina: And the consequences of a boundary violation are always an action you take.
Kelle: Okay, so let’s start with a seemingly benign example. If your mom keeps showing up at your home at your front door, unannounced, the boundary might be that mom can’t come to my house unannounced and if she does then I’m not going to answer the door.
Nina: Yeah, the boundary isn’t to stop your mom from coming over to your house. You can’t control her. The boundary is so that you don’t have a big debate with yourself about whether you should answer the door or if you’re being a bad daughter, etc.
Kelle: Perpetuating our people pleasing here, right?
Nina: Yeah, the boundary is so that you know what you’re going to do. You decide ahead of time to not answer the door. You like your reason. You stop overthinking it. You like your reasons why, you have your own back on this and your own support and this is what you’re going to do.
Kelle: And listen, you might have a lot of evidence that your mom doesn’t respect this boundary, she comes over a lot, for example. So, you get to decide what you want to do with this relationship. Do you want to keep interacting with her? If so, how can you think about your boundaries as something you’re doing for you?
Nina: Because embedded in this is your belief that your mother should respect your boundaries. Are we right? And we could all agree that, yeah, she should, but she doesn’t. And this is where so much of our suffering comes from. We think everyone should operate according to our instruction manuals, right?
Kelle: Yes, we talked about this concept of manuals back in episode 21, all about letting people be who they are and letting go of that desire to control them because that’s what’s going on here. When we set boundaries in this upside down way, we try to control the other person. We’re trying to control something we can’t control.
Nina: And we’re consistently disappointed. We feel disempowered and suffer a lot because we’re telling ourselves that they are not honoring our boundary when they might never honor our boundary because they have free will. But a boundary isn’t there for them to respect it. It’s your plan for what happens when someone crosses the boundary.
Kelle: Yeah. How does it help you to focus on how she should be honoring your boundary? This is what our brains do. So, if your mom continues to act against your boundary, your only job is to uphold the boundary for yourself.
Nina: But if you focus on how she should be different, you’re going to be in a lot of suffering. You’re arguing with reality and we’re guessing it’s causing you a lot of angst and frustration and anxiety, and that hurts your relationship with your mom even more.
Kelle: It’s the belief that she should be different that’s causing you pain, not the fact that she is disrespecting your boundary here. Does this make sense?
Nina: Yeah. So, by changing your understanding of boundaries, you can feel so much better here. It starts with your thinking, how you’re approaching boundaries. But the sneaky thought and belief that she shouldn’t be the way she is, might hold you back here so you’ve got to get over that.
Kelle: We all get to be the way we are. Isn’t that awesome? We humans get to be the way we are. So, I bet your mom thinks you should be a certain way. Maybe she comes to the door because she thinks you should talk on the phone more and you don’t so she comes to your front door. Who knows? That might be her thought process. And yours might be, mom, don’t come to my effing door all the time. We’re just spitballing here.
Nina: But yeah, if we want autonomy to live our life according to what we think and believe, so does everyone else. So, setting boundaries has to be about your plan, what you will do to protect yourself when someone shows up the way they do from their own free will. This is all about being the creator of your life and your results. When we’re the creators of our life and we’re in what we call self-authorship, the world and our life happens by us, for us and through us.
Kelle: Yeah. When we uphold boundaries, we’re not at the effect of life. We aren’t blaming the people and circumstances around us for our feelings and results. We are responding to those circumstances with an empowered mindset, okay, now what? This is what’s going on. Who do I want to be under these circumstances? This is all about taking personal responsibility. This is a big part of what we’ve talked about before, this idea of self-leadership.
Nina: Yeah. And on the flipside, when we don’t uphold boundaries, the world is happening to us, at us, against us. We’re at the effect of the world and this is where a lot of people live their lives. We tell ourselves we’re being disrespected, or that we feel out of control, we feel anxious and guilty and stressed, and we often become burned out.
Kelle: We need to interrupt this pattern and boundaries are a great place to start.
Nina: So, boundaries don’t protect you from other people crossing them and they don’t protect you from negative emotions. You’re in emotional adulthood when you set and uphold boundaries.
Kelle: Okay, this is gold. Let’s take a look here. You can’t set boundaries and expect your mom to do as you ask, so you feel better, that’s your responsibility. You’re also responsible for your emotions you feel when you follow through on the boundary.
Nina: Yeah, let’s talk about what you’re going to need to feel to uphold a boundary. Guilty, afraid, uncertain, maybe even selfish.
Kelle: Yeah. And we’re going to need to feel negative emotions when we follow through on a boundary we set with someone. And when I say negative emotion, it’s really just not feeling good, not necessarily feeling good because it doesn’t necessarily feel good to follow through on a boundary. We sometimes have to do it scared, we have to do it guilty or ashamed or uncertain or selfish.
Nina: And none of this has to be a problem. Fear doesn’t have to be a problem, neither does guilt or uncertainty. You kind of have to gag and go as one of our coaches says, you have to gag through those uncomfortable emotions and do it anyway.
Kelle: Gag and go. Olivia, we love you so much.
Nina: Your brain seeks pleasure and wants to avoid pain. It wants to think and do things it’s always done. Change doesn’t feel good. That’s why we avoid doing it in so many areas of our lives. The gag and go concept here is about feeling scared and doing it anyway in the direction of growth, in the direction of self-care, in setting these boundaries. To stop people pleasing, for example, is going to feel really uncomfortable and that makes complete sense from a brain science perspective.
Kelle: And here is a big one. We might have to feel misunderstood by the other person when we uphold the boundary, this is so key. Mic drop here.
Nina: Yeah, they are going to have opinions of us, no matter what we do. They might say, “Wow, you’re being so bossy or such a brat or so entitled,” or fill in the blank. And that guilt or selfishness you might feel when you stand up for yourself and follow through on a boundary might require you to let that other person be wrong about you. When you give their opinions of you more importance than your boundary, you perpetuate the people pleasing and potentially your burnout.
Kelle: This is a huge practice for all of the people pleasing we do. Let them misunderstand you, rock stars. Let them be wrong. You don’t have to explain or over-explain anything.
Nina: And again, we’re redundant when it’s important, but boundaries are what you do to take care of yourself, the actions you take, not what someone else needs to do.
Kelle: Okay, say you don’t want to talk politics with someone in your family, you can ask them not to do so, but remember, a boundary is about what you will do. So, no matter how many times you ask, they can come talk about politics because they have free will. So, your boundary might be that you leave the room when they talk politics or end the conversation or walk away.
Nina: Yeah. And you don’t have to make that request out loud, rock stars. You can just tell yourself that you will not talk politics with family members, it’s just a pact you make with yourself. And then you follow through for yourself when it happens. Same goes when you decide not to respond to emails over the weekend, for example. You don’t have to send an office-wide email to your team explaining this boundary. You can just decide that if you get emails over the weekend, then you will respond on Monday.
Kelle: You can totally send an office-wide email explaining your boundary, though, totally can.
Nina: You don’t have to, though, is the point. This can just be something you decide for yourself.
Kelle: Awesome. Yeah, it’s not required to communicate a boundary ahead of time so it’s your call. As long as you draw the line for yourself and follow through, that’s really all that matters, that’s what counts.
Nina: And you might be judged here, this is so key. Your team members might have thoughts about your lack of response over the weekend, and it’s your job to let them misunderstand you or judge you.
Kelle: Yeah. This is when we need to talk about the difference between a threat and a boundary, right?
Nina: Right. So, if you’ve set a boundary and it’s violated and you don’t honor the consequences you’ve set, you don’t honor your boundary, it’s actually a threat, an empty threat.
Kelle: When you don’t follow through, you’re just threatening them. Other people don’t have to do anything you want them to do. Boundaries aren’t intended to control other people’s behavior because you simply can’t.
Nina: So, the follow through here and feeling the uncomfortable emotions that accompany that follow through is so key. It’s about you having your own back and developing trust with yourself, to protect yourself and keep yourself from people pleasing or doing things you don’t want to do. It’s the action you take to take care of yourself.
Kelle: This comes up a lot with clients and in our own lives when we’re uncomfortable, for example, with someone else’s drinking habits. When we have someone in our lives who has a tendency to overdrink, we can’t tell them to stop or slow down. Actually, I mean we can, but we can’t expect them to change. We can’t expect them to do what we say, because we can’t control, fix or change other people.
Nina: We can create a boundary that looks like if they overdrink then I will leave the room, put the booze away, not engage with them, definitely not get in the car with them and potentially leave the relationship for a time to keep yourself safe.
Kelle: Yeah. This leads to another misconception that it’s another person’s job to respect your boundaries. Not true. It’s only your job. You have free will and they may not respect your boundaries. The only person who needs to respect your boundaries is you.
Nina: Boundaries aren’t ultimatums, they aren’t about manipulating someone or controlling other people’s behavior.
Kelle: Yeah, and they aren’t an excuse to blame other people for your behavior.
Nina: So true. We hear this a lot: my boss made me stay late at work this week or I have to do X, Y, Z for my kids or the client. Here’s the thing, no one’s forcing you to do anything. The only things you really have to do in life are eat, drink water, breathe and sleep, I think. So, this is you stepping into emotional adulthood and owning your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Your boss made a request, and instead of honoring your boundary of leaving work at a reasonable time you decided to make them happy, to people please and work late. If we’re being real, we’re calling it like it is.
Kelle: That reminds me of this broker that we were working with. And she would get so upset that clients would call her at eight o’clock at night. And she would just get so annoyed she’d let it eat away at her. Then she would still call them back or do whatever they were asking. And that led to her burnout, that led to her calling us in the first place. So, it really is her setting a boundary for her clients, she doesn’t have to tell them.
But if the client calls and you set a boundary with yourself to not answer calls after eight o’clock at night, after seven o’clock at night, it’s up to you to withhold the boundary and feel some feelings along the way. So, see how we’re making choices here? No one’s forcing you to take the actions you take. You’re enforcing your own free will. So maybe check in on those choices you’re making and re-decide how you want to show up, what you want to say yes to, what you want to say no to, and like your reasons why.
Nina: Okay, let’s walk through a few more examples here. This one actually comes up a lot these days, food preferences or restrictions or allergies, right?
Kelle: Yeah, totally. So, you’re invited to a friend’s for dinner, and let’s say you’re not eating gluten and they’re serving pasta. You can make a request or let them know about your restriction, but you can’t expect them to respect your boundary to be gluten free.
Nina: Yeah. So that boundary might look like, if they serve gluten, I will fill my plate with salad or double up on the sides instead of pasta, or if they serve pasta, I will bring my own food or meal to supplement, right?
Kelle: Yeah. And let’s check in on your reason why. You feel so much better when you don’t eat gluten. It’s a big part of how you take care of yourself, right?
Nina: Right. And what feelings are you going to have to feel in order to uphold that boundary? Let’s decide now and make them not a problem.
Kelle: I’ll have to feel a little guilt, some embarrassment, maybe even a little high maintenance. I can feel apologetic. Maybe that’s shame. Maybe there’s something wrong with me that I can’t sit down and eat what’s being served.
Nina: And this is totally your brain, braining. When we start to poke holes in our people pleasing habits, our brains will freak out a little bit. They’ll think thoughts that will keep us in the cave, so to speak, where it’s safe, where we’ve always been, saying yes when we really mean no, for example.
Kelle: Okay. A big one we bump into with clients is about overworking.
Nina: So, a boundary is not saying, “You can’t ask me to work more, or she needs to stop giving me more work.” They can absolutely keep giving you work.
Kelle: Yeah. And what happens with so many clients is, even though they can’t take on more work, they do it anyway, they say yes, and then they’re resentful.
Nina: And this makes sense. There is this history of constant striving to please, to be the go to person, the reliable one, that never lets anyone down, superstar.
Kelle: Yeah, but it’s so exhausting, isn’t it?
Nina: And here’s the thing, every time you say yes, when you really mean no, a little part of your authentic self fades into the background.
Kelle: You’re not just agreeing to something you don’t want. You’re saying no to yourself, your needs and your boundaries.
Nina: We know this dance all too well, rock stars. So how do lifelong rule followers start to break the rules? One at a time, gently and slowly.
Kelle: So, starting to say no to more work and the unreasonable deadlines that come with it might look like, if they give me more work then I will tell them I have other priorities and can get to the project in a week.
Nina: Or if they give me more work, then I will say no and work with them to see if another team member has bandwidth.
Kelle: Okay, I like these because they’re solution focused, right?
Nina: Yeah, we don’t want to kind of be eff you to the team. We want to be solution focused. We want to get the job done. When we stop reacting the way we always have, say yes when we really mean no, we aren’t allowing our past to control us, we aren’t perpetuating those old behaviors. And this is what coaching and growth is all about.
Kelle: And this is how you start to actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: Boundaries are so key here. We hope this was helpful for you.
Kelle: Yeah, let us know what your takeaways are here. Shoot us an email at kelleandnina@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram. We love hearing from you.
Nina: Yeah, we’d love to hear from you. Thanks for being here today.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks all, see you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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