11. 4 Ways To Feel Better After Bad News
Receiving hard news is part of being human. Whether it's not getting a promotion, losing a big client, getting a diagnosis, or getting served divorce papers, difficult days touch all of us. But how we react to bad news has the ability to shape our entire experience of it.
Things happen to us all day long, some of which we label as good, and some we think of as bad. The bad ones can feel truly awful and as though we'll never recover. The good news is we have four practical ways to make bad news feel a whole lot better, and we're giving them to you on today's show.
Tune in this week to discover how you're subconsciously choosing your emotional experience when you receive bad news, and how to choose something better. You'll learn how to redirect your brain toward a mindset that allows you to deal with difficult circumstances calmly and directly, and four practical ways to start feeling better right now.
Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why our brains jump to obsessing about all the ways things can go wrong.
How to spot your negativity bias kicking in when you receive bad or unwelcome news.
The indulgent emotions that arise when we don't manage our minds around bad news.
How to intentionally move your thoughts away from the worst-case scenario, and toward a more high-vibe mindset.
4 ways to make difficult circumstances feel easier.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Nina: Hard news and difficult days are part of being human, it touches all of us, whether it’s something like getting an email from your boss that makes you think you’re getting fired, not getting the promotion, losing the client, getting a diagnosis, the side eye from your business partner, or getting served divorce papers.
Kelle: Things happen all day long, some we label as good, some we label as bad. And man, the bad, it feels really sticky. In this episode, we are talking about what happens when we get bad news and four ways to make it all feel better.
Nina: Let’s give in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. We had a client this week who was given really difficult, potentially life changing news for her and her family. She was feeling anxious about what might happen and not sure how she was going to be able to deal with it all. Most of us when we get bad news we immediately go into a tailspin, circling the drain, we obsess and ruminate.
Kelle: Yeah, I can relate. We have both gotten diagnoses. I’m dealing with one right now. We get unwelcome news. We have difficult days all the time, all of us do at some point. It’s part of the human experience. And without managing our minds, we think all the possibilities, especially all the ways it could go really, really wrong.
Nina: Yes, we catastrophize and future trip in the worst way. And it makes sense because as we mentioned last week in episode 10, we have this negativity bias. We are hardwired for negativity.
Kelle: Yeah, we give more importance to negative experiences as opposed to positive or even neutral experiences. Our brains pay more attention to the negative by worrying, by dwelling and even obsessing over negative scenarios.
Nina: And while it may be helpful to plan for the worse, staying in that worst case scenario energy is not helpful. What we know to be true is when we don’t manage our minds, when we don’t check the thoughts our brains are serving up to us, we worry. We let ourselves be confused. These are what we call indulgent emotions, we like to indulge in them. They’re indulgent because we don’t have to do anything.
Kelle: Totally. We don’t get anything done. When we sit in worry and confusion our brains like it because we don’t have to do anything. That’s the thing with our brains, they want to stay the same, comfort, safety, and pleasure. When you worry, when you ruminate, when you stay confused about what’s next, your brain is trying to keep you safe, paralyzed, and stuck.
Nina: So that bad news, those tough days, our brains would rather go over and over obsessing over what might happen. And what we know is when we’re doing that, we’re not in the present moment, living our lives, where the worst case scenario hasn’t even happened yet. It might not even happen at all. So staying in worst case scenario energy is pretending the thing you don’t want to happen is already happening before it ever happens. It’s pretending a negative outcome. You feel the feelings ahead of time that you would feel if your worst case were to come true.
Kelle: We would even offer that you’re subconsciously choosing to feel negative feelings on purpose. Here’s what we know about the worst case scenario. When we allow our brains to go there, let’s take that client example. She got an email from her boss that made her think she was going to get fired. She’s the breadwinner of her family and her salary isn’t just a normal salary, she makes seven figures. If she gets fired, in her words, she won’t be able to replace that income. Her career will be ruined.
And her brain was going to all the potential problems. She won’t be able to find a new job. She’s too old and she’s a woman in a male dominated industry. They won’t have enough money. They’re not going to be able to afford the new house they just bought. Her kids aren’t going to be able to attend private school. They’ll have to cut down on everything. They won’t even be able to go on vacations and on and on and on, her brain was just going off.
Nina: Yeah. And what we know for sure, I think that’s an Oprah line is what we focus on grows. So think about that. What we focus on grows, negative or positive. We have a choice. When we let our brain run on autopilot or unmanaged, thinking worst case scenario thoughts, that’s what we get. Our brains want to prove what we’re thinking is true. So if we’re thinking we’re going to get fired, our brains will find evidence to support that so much so that eventually we will make it happen.
Kelle: We’re not saying never go to worst case scenario. What we want to offer is when you go there, you go there intentionally. And if that were the worst thing to happen, and usually the worst thing is feelings that you’ll have to feel. And remember, feelings are vibrations in your body. So if the worst were to happen, what’s your plan? How will you handle it?
Nina: Yeah, our brains do not like uncertainty. Going to worst case, it allows us to do some risk analysis, some risk management even, to plan our approach and in a way that helps us feel a bit more ease. A lot of times we’re so afraid of what might happen, we don’t even let our brains fully go there. And then we have this looming fear of the unknown, of uncertainty, which in a lot of ways is even worse than just knowing what could happen.
Kelle: Yeah, oftentimes, worst case scenario, when we coach clients isn’t even all that bad as their brain is trying to convince them it’ll be. And once they actually go there and begin to make peace with it, they’re more open to coaching around the topic. So let’s go through how we coached this client.
Nina: We’re letting you in on the four ways we’ve found that make difficult circumstances feel easier. These are not in any particular order. Here we go. Roll a dice.
Kelle: Let’s do it.
Nina: We were just talking about how our brain goes to worst case scenario but why not also entertain best case scenario? When the shit hits the fan, when you don’t get the news you were hoping for, when things aren’t going the way you would have liked, ask yourself, what’s the best that can happen? If you’re anything like us, your brain does not go there automatically, hell, no. You have to direct it to think best case scenario on purpose. This is where we want to spend our time.
This is where we want to live, not because we’re in denial, ignoring reality but because since we don’t know what is going to happen anyway, since we have uncertainty anyway, wouldn’t you rather spend your time in high vibe kind of more positive energy? I know what my answer is.
Kelle: Always.
Nina: And when we do this with clients, we help you train your mind to go to best case scenario versus that catastrophic thinking our brain wants to go to. You visualize the outcome you want, what you want to have happen. Then you think on purpose in a way that makes you feel the way you want to feel on purpose. And listen, this isn’t rocket science. It’s actually quite simple and doable and really just takes practice.
Kelle: Love this. And going back to that client example, what if our client doesn’t get fired at all. Or maybe she gets fired and then finds an even better job that more matches her lifestyle. Where she makes more money and has better day-to-day experiences, where she doesn’t have to travel so much and she can spend more time at home being present with her family, finding connection with friends. And being more available for things that are important to her instead of living in scarcity and fear and not enough-ness, worrying that at any moment she might get fired, she might lose her job.
Nina: Oh my gosh, so true. This is gold.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, the second way to make difficult circumstances feel easier and bring in a sense of calm. Alright, this is in three parts. So the first part is separate out fact from thought. So what are the actual facts right now, instead of what may possibly happen? What do you know for sure instead of guessing? What’s the truth that in a court of law could be agreed upon, not just your interpretation, not just stories your brain is making up, but actual truth? Fact. Okay, so for our client, the facts are she received an email with words from her boss. They were just words. They didn’t say she was getting fired. That was just what she was thinking.
Okay, next, so the second step is, notice and name what you’re feeling because what we know about feelings is when you can name what you’re feeling, you’re able to navigate it better. So in the example, our client was feeling anxious. Again, feelings are vibrations in our body. They can be uncomfortable and what we know, if, when we allow them and give them space, they get less heavy. They feel lighter and just a little bit easier to deal with.
And then the third step in this one is, accept and acknowledge how you’re feeling in the moment. Which looks like pausing and taking a few breaths, showing your nervous system that you’re safe and whole in this moment. So that client was able to accept and acknowledge how she was feeling in the moment, reminding herself and her nervous system that it’s okay to feel anxiety along with a whole spectrum of human emotions.
Nina: The third way to feel more calm and ease on those difficult days is to stay in the present moment as much as possible. Our brain likes to look back on the past, and often that means feeling regret for what we didn’t do or what we did wrong.
Kelle: That ‘wrong.’
Nina: The ‘wrong.’ Yes, totally. It also likes to go to the future and look at all of the what ifs. Our minds are meaning making machines, at least mine is now, it’s a human brain just like yours. We all do this. They want to connect the dots, to take what information we do have and project what might happen in the future, creating anxiety. It’s that future tripping. The more we can stay in the present moment where life actually happens, where the ability to create change actually exists, that’s where you have more control over how you want to think and feel.
This is all mindfulness. We teach our clients these mindfulness tools, so they’re better equipped to bring themselves back into the present moment where they have more choice. So that client that got the email from her boss, the more she was able to ground herself in the present moment and see again that for now she is safe. She still has her job intact. She can bring a sense of calm and peace to herself, to remind herself that she’s actually in control of how she wants to think about this, how she wants to feel about this until she has more information and can re-evaluate.
Kelle: So good and so hard to stay in the present moment. We actually have to really, really manage our minds and come back when we notice that our mind is off somewhere else. The last strategy we want to offer to create calm on those difficult days is to remind yourself that you’re always able to figure it out for yourself, and that this is part of being human. We all have situations, we all have circumstances that we don’t want, things that happen. And we always figure it out. That’s a thought we offer our clients all the time and we want to offer it to you.
You will always be able to figure it out for yourself. You’re not alone. And what we know is when emotion is high, intellect drops. When we know how to be calm and centered and grounded in our own capacity to problem solve, we’re golden. Especially as high achievers, we figure it out. That’s just how we’re wired. Even in the worst circumstances we don’t quit. We keep going because that is who we are. That’s who you are. When you remind yourself, no matter what, you’ll figure it out, you can create calm for yourself any time.
Nina: Calm, I would even say just a little bit, just a little bit more of an empowered feeling.
Kelle: Totally. Good call.
Nina: You’re just not as disempowered, hands tied, cornered. There’s just less of that. And you know what I mean?
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: Okay, that is it for today. This is what working with your brain and nervous system looks like, directing your brain to go to best case scenario, separating out facts from thoughts, managing that mind. Noticing and naming what you’re feeling, allowing yourself just to accept and acknowledge all of it, you’re a human. Staying in the present moment as much as possible and reminding yourself that you can always figure it out, rock star.
Kelle: Yeah, you can always figure it out. You’ve got this. Practice makes progress. And let us know how it’s going. We love hearing from you. Alright, until next time, see you later.
Nina: Yeah, bye for now. See you next time.
Nina: If you enjoyed today’s show and don’t want to worry about missing an episode, you can follow the show wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven’t already, we would really appreciate it if you share the podcast with others who you think would benefit from it, and leave a rating and review to let us know what you think.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star rating, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome podcast that provides tons of value. Visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch for step-by-step instructions on how to follow, rate, and review.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Kelle: Things happen all day long, some we label as good, some we label as bad. And man, the bad, it feels really sticky. In this episode, we are talking about what happens when we get bad news and four ways to make it all feel better.
Nina: Let’s give in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. We had a client this week who was given really difficult, potentially life changing news for her and her family. She was feeling anxious about what might happen and not sure how she was going to be able to deal with it all. Most of us when we get bad news we immediately go into a tailspin, circling the drain, we obsess and ruminate.
Kelle: Yeah, I can relate. We have both gotten diagnoses. I’m dealing with one right now. We get unwelcome news. We have difficult days all the time, all of us do at some point. It’s part of the human experience. And without managing our minds, we think all the possibilities, especially all the ways it could go really, really wrong.
Nina: Yes, we catastrophize and future trip in the worst way. And it makes sense because as we mentioned last week in episode 10, we have this negativity bias. We are hardwired for negativity.
Kelle: Yeah, we give more importance to negative experiences as opposed to positive or even neutral experiences. Our brains pay more attention to the negative by worrying, by dwelling and even obsessing over negative scenarios.
Nina: And while it may be helpful to plan for the worse, staying in that worst case scenario energy is not helpful. What we know to be true is when we don’t manage our minds, when we don’t check the thoughts our brains are serving up to us, we worry. We let ourselves be confused. These are what we call indulgent emotions, we like to indulge in them. They’re indulgent because we don’t have to do anything.
Kelle: Totally. We don’t get anything done. When we sit in worry and confusion our brains like it because we don’t have to do anything. That’s the thing with our brains, they want to stay the same, comfort, safety, and pleasure. When you worry, when you ruminate, when you stay confused about what’s next, your brain is trying to keep you safe, paralyzed, and stuck.
Nina: So that bad news, those tough days, our brains would rather go over and over obsessing over what might happen. And what we know is when we’re doing that, we’re not in the present moment, living our lives, where the worst case scenario hasn’t even happened yet. It might not even happen at all. So staying in worst case scenario energy is pretending the thing you don’t want to happen is already happening before it ever happens. It’s pretending a negative outcome. You feel the feelings ahead of time that you would feel if your worst case were to come true.
Kelle: We would even offer that you’re subconsciously choosing to feel negative feelings on purpose. Here’s what we know about the worst case scenario. When we allow our brains to go there, let’s take that client example. She got an email from her boss that made her think she was going to get fired. She’s the breadwinner of her family and her salary isn’t just a normal salary, she makes seven figures. If she gets fired, in her words, she won’t be able to replace that income. Her career will be ruined.
And her brain was going to all the potential problems. She won’t be able to find a new job. She’s too old and she’s a woman in a male dominated industry. They won’t have enough money. They’re not going to be able to afford the new house they just bought. Her kids aren’t going to be able to attend private school. They’ll have to cut down on everything. They won’t even be able to go on vacations and on and on and on, her brain was just going off.
Nina: Yeah. And what we know for sure, I think that’s an Oprah line is what we focus on grows. So think about that. What we focus on grows, negative or positive. We have a choice. When we let our brain run on autopilot or unmanaged, thinking worst case scenario thoughts, that’s what we get. Our brains want to prove what we’re thinking is true. So if we’re thinking we’re going to get fired, our brains will find evidence to support that so much so that eventually we will make it happen.
Kelle: We’re not saying never go to worst case scenario. What we want to offer is when you go there, you go there intentionally. And if that were the worst thing to happen, and usually the worst thing is feelings that you’ll have to feel. And remember, feelings are vibrations in your body. So if the worst were to happen, what’s your plan? How will you handle it?
Nina: Yeah, our brains do not like uncertainty. Going to worst case, it allows us to do some risk analysis, some risk management even, to plan our approach and in a way that helps us feel a bit more ease. A lot of times we’re so afraid of what might happen, we don’t even let our brains fully go there. And then we have this looming fear of the unknown, of uncertainty, which in a lot of ways is even worse than just knowing what could happen.
Kelle: Yeah, oftentimes, worst case scenario, when we coach clients isn’t even all that bad as their brain is trying to convince them it’ll be. And once they actually go there and begin to make peace with it, they’re more open to coaching around the topic. So let’s go through how we coached this client.
Nina: We’re letting you in on the four ways we’ve found that make difficult circumstances feel easier. These are not in any particular order. Here we go. Roll a dice.
Kelle: Let’s do it.
Nina: We were just talking about how our brain goes to worst case scenario but why not also entertain best case scenario? When the shit hits the fan, when you don’t get the news you were hoping for, when things aren’t going the way you would have liked, ask yourself, what’s the best that can happen? If you’re anything like us, your brain does not go there automatically, hell, no. You have to direct it to think best case scenario on purpose. This is where we want to spend our time.
This is where we want to live, not because we’re in denial, ignoring reality but because since we don’t know what is going to happen anyway, since we have uncertainty anyway, wouldn’t you rather spend your time in high vibe kind of more positive energy? I know what my answer is.
Kelle: Always.
Nina: And when we do this with clients, we help you train your mind to go to best case scenario versus that catastrophic thinking our brain wants to go to. You visualize the outcome you want, what you want to have happen. Then you think on purpose in a way that makes you feel the way you want to feel on purpose. And listen, this isn’t rocket science. It’s actually quite simple and doable and really just takes practice.
Kelle: Love this. And going back to that client example, what if our client doesn’t get fired at all. Or maybe she gets fired and then finds an even better job that more matches her lifestyle. Where she makes more money and has better day-to-day experiences, where she doesn’t have to travel so much and she can spend more time at home being present with her family, finding connection with friends. And being more available for things that are important to her instead of living in scarcity and fear and not enough-ness, worrying that at any moment she might get fired, she might lose her job.
Nina: Oh my gosh, so true. This is gold.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, the second way to make difficult circumstances feel easier and bring in a sense of calm. Alright, this is in three parts. So the first part is separate out fact from thought. So what are the actual facts right now, instead of what may possibly happen? What do you know for sure instead of guessing? What’s the truth that in a court of law could be agreed upon, not just your interpretation, not just stories your brain is making up, but actual truth? Fact. Okay, so for our client, the facts are she received an email with words from her boss. They were just words. They didn’t say she was getting fired. That was just what she was thinking.
Okay, next, so the second step is, notice and name what you’re feeling because what we know about feelings is when you can name what you’re feeling, you’re able to navigate it better. So in the example, our client was feeling anxious. Again, feelings are vibrations in our body. They can be uncomfortable and what we know, if, when we allow them and give them space, they get less heavy. They feel lighter and just a little bit easier to deal with.
And then the third step in this one is, accept and acknowledge how you’re feeling in the moment. Which looks like pausing and taking a few breaths, showing your nervous system that you’re safe and whole in this moment. So that client was able to accept and acknowledge how she was feeling in the moment, reminding herself and her nervous system that it’s okay to feel anxiety along with a whole spectrum of human emotions.
Nina: The third way to feel more calm and ease on those difficult days is to stay in the present moment as much as possible. Our brain likes to look back on the past, and often that means feeling regret for what we didn’t do or what we did wrong.
Kelle: That ‘wrong.’
Nina: The ‘wrong.’ Yes, totally. It also likes to go to the future and look at all of the what ifs. Our minds are meaning making machines, at least mine is now, it’s a human brain just like yours. We all do this. They want to connect the dots, to take what information we do have and project what might happen in the future, creating anxiety. It’s that future tripping. The more we can stay in the present moment where life actually happens, where the ability to create change actually exists, that’s where you have more control over how you want to think and feel.
This is all mindfulness. We teach our clients these mindfulness tools, so they’re better equipped to bring themselves back into the present moment where they have more choice. So that client that got the email from her boss, the more she was able to ground herself in the present moment and see again that for now she is safe. She still has her job intact. She can bring a sense of calm and peace to herself, to remind herself that she’s actually in control of how she wants to think about this, how she wants to feel about this until she has more information and can re-evaluate.
Kelle: So good and so hard to stay in the present moment. We actually have to really, really manage our minds and come back when we notice that our mind is off somewhere else. The last strategy we want to offer to create calm on those difficult days is to remind yourself that you’re always able to figure it out for yourself, and that this is part of being human. We all have situations, we all have circumstances that we don’t want, things that happen. And we always figure it out. That’s a thought we offer our clients all the time and we want to offer it to you.
You will always be able to figure it out for yourself. You’re not alone. And what we know is when emotion is high, intellect drops. When we know how to be calm and centered and grounded in our own capacity to problem solve, we’re golden. Especially as high achievers, we figure it out. That’s just how we’re wired. Even in the worst circumstances we don’t quit. We keep going because that is who we are. That’s who you are. When you remind yourself, no matter what, you’ll figure it out, you can create calm for yourself any time.
Nina: Calm, I would even say just a little bit, just a little bit more of an empowered feeling.
Kelle: Totally. Good call.
Nina: You’re just not as disempowered, hands tied, cornered. There’s just less of that. And you know what I mean?
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: Okay, that is it for today. This is what working with your brain and nervous system looks like, directing your brain to go to best case scenario, separating out facts from thoughts, managing that mind. Noticing and naming what you’re feeling, allowing yourself just to accept and acknowledge all of it, you’re a human. Staying in the present moment as much as possible and reminding yourself that you can always figure it out, rock star.
Kelle: Yeah, you can always figure it out. You’ve got this. Practice makes progress. And let us know how it’s going. We love hearing from you. Alright, until next time, see you later.
Nina: Yeah, bye for now. See you next time.
Nina: If you enjoyed today’s show and don’t want to worry about missing an episode, you can follow the show wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven’t already, we would really appreciate it if you share the podcast with others who you think would benefit from it, and leave a rating and review to let us know what you think.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star rating, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome podcast that provides tons of value. Visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch for step-by-step instructions on how to follow, rate, and review.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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