3. How to Ask Questions That Change Everything
If you ask yourself useful questions, you get useful answers. You’ve heard the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question…” before, you may have even said it yourself. Well, while there might not be any stupid questions, there are certainly questions that aren’t useful. Asking how to deal with a challenging circumstance is one of those.
Instead of getting stuck in the how, it’s time to ask yourself, who do I need to become to unlock my potential and leave my self-doubt in the past? This is the kind of question you can work with, and when you can ask yourself better questions like this, you’ll get answers that actually produce the results you want in your life.
Tune in this week to discover the most useful question you can ask yourself, and how asking this question gives you empowering, clear answers. We dive deeper into what’s wrong with the questions you’re asking yourself, and you’ll learn how to ask the type of questions that will lead you to real solutions.
To celebrate the launch of the show, we’re giving away a curated, bespoke gift box hand-picked of our favorite things to 3 lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the show. Click here to learn more about the contest and how to enter!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Examples of the common not-useful questions you might be asking yourself.
Why asking what you need to do differently never leads to long-term change.
What it looks like when you go inward and start questioning the questions you ask yourself.
Why your power always lies in how you show up for yourself.
How to start asking questions that develop self-trust and help you make the changes you want to see in your life.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click here to learn more about the podcast launch contest and to follow, rate, and review the show!
If you want to shift out of disempowered thinking and feel more calm, balanced, and capable from the inside out, get our 5-step Empowered Mindset Guide here!
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: There is no such thing as a stupid question. We’ve all heard that. Maybe when you were young, maybe more recently, maybe you’ve even said it yourself.
Nina: Well, we’re calling BS on that. While we wouldn’t call them stupid, there are definitely questions that are not useful. Join us today as we explore the power of asking yourself more useful questions, so you get more useful answers.
Kelle: Instead of getting stuck in the how of getting through a challenging circumstance, let’s look at who you need to be to get through it, to unlock your potential and leave behind the noise of self-doubt.
Nina: Let’s get to it. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout, check. Daily overwhelm, check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being check, check, check. You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle, and Nina, and we’re here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic and actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. Are you ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, hey, all, welcome. I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. Today we’re talking about the questions you ask yourself and how the answers you give either move you forward or keep you stuck.
Kelle: We’ve all been there. What should I do? Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t they just? How do I?
Nina: How do I, is the big one, right?
Kelle: Totally. We just like to notice on purpose the types of questions that our brains are asking and before answering them or even when we do answer them, we just notice, do I like this answer? Is this useful and helpful in my life?
Nina: Because here’s the truth. If you ask yourself better questions, you will get better answers. I do this all the time in my own daily life. Every day, I pretty much question the questions I’m asking myself and try to come up with better questions, because then I get better answers and that helps me live a better life.
Kelle: So one of the best questions that we think you can ask is, given my circumstances, who do I want to be? Who do you want to be given your colleague is acting like this or given the health diagnosis, or given your friend’s unsurprising behavior, whatever your challenge is.
Nina: One of the most empowering questions you can ask is, who do I want to be? I think that at first glance this question sounds so obvious, but it’s not. It’s not so obvious because on default when we’re actually in the thick of a circumstance, our default brain goes to fix it mode.
Kelle: You know it’s true. And we’re guessing there’s someone else in your life who does the same and maybe, just maybe, it pisses you off.
Nina: Oh my God, totally. What should I do to fix this problem with my spouse? What should I do to fix this challenge that my colleague is having, that my child is having? What should I do to make sure that we get into that school? What can I do to convince my co-worker that they’re wrong? What can I do to make them feel better?
Kelle: These are all not the most useful questions to start with, because they require action first. Until you clean up your thinking and decide who you want to be, how you want to think and feel, you’re not ready for what actions to take.
Nina: What we want to do if we can’t change our circumstances, is to change who we’re being in our circumstances. This is so key.
Kelle: It’s the reason why so many diets fail, why you can’t back off on your drinking, why so many workout programs don’t create the results you desire. And why so many of us feel stuck, even paralyzed, and hopeless in our patterns like overworking and burnout and flying off the handle.
Nina: Yeah. Think about it. If you decide to sign up for that 5K coming up in a few months and you haven’t put running shoes on in four years. We’re guessing you’re going to buy new shoes, download a training schedule and start doing exactly what that program tells you to do, right, high achiever. Maybe you put your clothes out the night before to make it easy when you get out of bed in the morning, all the things.
Kelle: Sure, you’ll take action, but your brain is still going to be eyeballing the couch. We’ve been there. We’re guessing you’ll follow through for a bit. You’ll eat the salads, you’ll do better on your diet, whatever that looks like, you’ll refrain from drinking wine for a few days, do a little running.
Nina: And the whole time your brain is telling you, wow, this is hard, or this is okay for now, but not forever. We’ve got this, but not forever, or even when are we going to be done?
Kelle: Totally. It’s like, are we there yet?
Nina: It sounds like my kids in the back seat of the car.
Kelle: A reminder here, our brains crave comfort, safety, and pleasure. That’s why when change feels hard, our brains tell us to take the path of least resistance, the way we’ve always done it, the easy way. And it totally holds us back.
Nina: Stop running, it hurts too much. Grab that glass of wine, you deserve it. Have another cookie. It goes on and on and so we bail, understandably. This is why asking yourself how or what first isn’t always the best starting point.
Kelle: We like starting with who. Who do I need to be to wake up early for the next few weeks and run to train for the 5K? What does she believe? What does she already know?
Nina: I’m becoming a runner. I’m someone who drinks in moderation so I can wake up early for a run. I’m becoming a healthier eater so I can feel better in my body.
Kelle: We’re really offering that you go inward and take a look at you, at your best self and the future you, you’re looking to embody. What does she think about this? What does she consider? What are her values? Who does she want to be in this circumstance? How does she want to feel? And then what does she want to do?
Nina: It’s not that we don’t ever ask the question, what should I do? I just don’t think it’s the best first question. That really good empowering first question is, who do I want to be in this circumstance? So notice when your brain just immediately wants to problem solve and go to, what should I do here? And notice how that focuses first on the actions. And if you take action from your first set of default thoughts, oftentimes they won’t be the most empowering, they won’t move the needle.
Kelle: Let’s go through a client example or two. A few weeks ago, a client felt disrespected by something someone said to her at work and asking her, “Who do you want to be in your circumstances?” It offered her the opportunity to explore, how can I be who I want to be here?
Nina: Yeah, we can’t change the other person, but we can decide how we want to show up. And she decided that her best self is someone who is kind back but also shares her experience of it. So it sounded like having a conversation with that other person and saying, “Hey, you know what? I really didn’t like that you said that and to me, it was a little bit disrespectful. So in the future, I prefer if you please, didn’t say that.” Period. There’s no explanations. There’s no, I’m sorry. There’s no avoidance. There’s no drama and complaining. There just is, this is who I want to be in this circumstance.
Kelle: Alright, another client said, “You know, every day after work when my husband gets home, he’s so moody.” So applying this question, who do I want to be when my husband comes home and he’s moody? Do I want to be someone who’s compassionate and kind and loving and connected to the extent I can? Maybe yes. Maybe some days. Other days maybe I don’t have that capacity. But she, our client, was focusing initially so much on how she could get him to not be moody. And of course we cannot control other people’s feelings.
Nina: Now, that doesn’t mean that she can’t also talk with her husband about it and kind of share with him how that experience is for her every day and make a request of him that he not be so moody.
Kelle: Yes, 100%, she can and should do that if she wants to. But the difference is in whether the question is being asked from the motivation to try to change and control her spouse or whether it’s being asked from the motivation of, this is just the type of spouse I want to be.
Nina: Be in one case, in the first one, you’re trying to control your spouse. And in the other, you’re focused on controlling yourself. That’s where your power lies. So regardless of how your spouse responds, you’ll feel like just asking that question was effective if it’s coming from that place, this is how I want to show up.
Kelle: And as a wife who has a husband who comes home who is moody after work, if you’re sort of in the how do I get my husband to do this mode. Then you’ll be focusing on the outcome based on his actions, which we can’t control. And believe me, if I could figure this out for myself, I would totally give you all that you need, but I have no idea. So just something to notice and pay attention to when we make requests. What’s the motivation behind the request? And are we sort of managing our minds first?
Nina: So back to you listener, who do you want to be under your challenging circumstances? What should you do versus who do you want to be? How does she want to think and feel? Is that in alignment with your best self, your vision of the future you? How might this challenge be an invitation for you to grow?
Kelle: Isn’t it funny how the universe often gives us what we need, not exactly what we want, but what we need?
Nina: Totally, totally.
Kelle: And as coaches, one of our jobs is to help you dream bigger than you are right now. Because we’re naturally programmed to stay stuck inside our little comfort cave, to listen to our default thoughts that seek comfort, safety, and pleasure, that keep us safe where we are.
Nina: So unless we make an intentional choice to leave, that’s where we’ll stay forever. And that’s why you’re here. We’re trained to help you do just that. We work with women who want to do big things but struggle with resistance. We will hold belief for you until you can hold it for yourself. We will remind you of what you’re capable of until you can remind yourself.
Kelle: We’ll hold you accountable for doing the things you say that you’re going to do until your self-trust grows so big that not doing those things would never even cross your mind. That’s a promise. Who’s a hell yes?
Nina: Yeah. If you liked what you heard here, keep coming back, future you will thank you. See you next time.
Kelle: Alright, see you next time.
Nina: To celebrate the launch of the show, we’re giving away a curated bespoke gift box hand-picked of our favorite things. We’re giving away 3 boxes to 3 lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the show.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star review, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome show that provides tons of value.
Nina: So visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. Be quick! You don’t have long. We'll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode!
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit kelleandnina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Well, we’re calling BS on that. While we wouldn’t call them stupid, there are definitely questions that are not useful. Join us today as we explore the power of asking yourself more useful questions, so you get more useful answers.
Kelle: Instead of getting stuck in the how of getting through a challenging circumstance, let’s look at who you need to be to get through it, to unlock your potential and leave behind the noise of self-doubt.
Nina: Let’s get to it. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout, check. Daily overwhelm, check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being check, check, check. You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle, and Nina, and we’re here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic and actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. Are you ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, hey, all, welcome. I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. Today we’re talking about the questions you ask yourself and how the answers you give either move you forward or keep you stuck.
Kelle: We’ve all been there. What should I do? Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t they just? How do I?
Nina: How do I, is the big one, right?
Kelle: Totally. We just like to notice on purpose the types of questions that our brains are asking and before answering them or even when we do answer them, we just notice, do I like this answer? Is this useful and helpful in my life?
Nina: Because here’s the truth. If you ask yourself better questions, you will get better answers. I do this all the time in my own daily life. Every day, I pretty much question the questions I’m asking myself and try to come up with better questions, because then I get better answers and that helps me live a better life.
Kelle: So one of the best questions that we think you can ask is, given my circumstances, who do I want to be? Who do you want to be given your colleague is acting like this or given the health diagnosis, or given your friend’s unsurprising behavior, whatever your challenge is.
Nina: One of the most empowering questions you can ask is, who do I want to be? I think that at first glance this question sounds so obvious, but it’s not. It’s not so obvious because on default when we’re actually in the thick of a circumstance, our default brain goes to fix it mode.
Kelle: You know it’s true. And we’re guessing there’s someone else in your life who does the same and maybe, just maybe, it pisses you off.
Nina: Oh my God, totally. What should I do to fix this problem with my spouse? What should I do to fix this challenge that my colleague is having, that my child is having? What should I do to make sure that we get into that school? What can I do to convince my co-worker that they’re wrong? What can I do to make them feel better?
Kelle: These are all not the most useful questions to start with, because they require action first. Until you clean up your thinking and decide who you want to be, how you want to think and feel, you’re not ready for what actions to take.
Nina: What we want to do if we can’t change our circumstances, is to change who we’re being in our circumstances. This is so key.
Kelle: It’s the reason why so many diets fail, why you can’t back off on your drinking, why so many workout programs don’t create the results you desire. And why so many of us feel stuck, even paralyzed, and hopeless in our patterns like overworking and burnout and flying off the handle.
Nina: Yeah. Think about it. If you decide to sign up for that 5K coming up in a few months and you haven’t put running shoes on in four years. We’re guessing you’re going to buy new shoes, download a training schedule and start doing exactly what that program tells you to do, right, high achiever. Maybe you put your clothes out the night before to make it easy when you get out of bed in the morning, all the things.
Kelle: Sure, you’ll take action, but your brain is still going to be eyeballing the couch. We’ve been there. We’re guessing you’ll follow through for a bit. You’ll eat the salads, you’ll do better on your diet, whatever that looks like, you’ll refrain from drinking wine for a few days, do a little running.
Nina: And the whole time your brain is telling you, wow, this is hard, or this is okay for now, but not forever. We’ve got this, but not forever, or even when are we going to be done?
Kelle: Totally. It’s like, are we there yet?
Nina: It sounds like my kids in the back seat of the car.
Kelle: A reminder here, our brains crave comfort, safety, and pleasure. That’s why when change feels hard, our brains tell us to take the path of least resistance, the way we’ve always done it, the easy way. And it totally holds us back.
Nina: Stop running, it hurts too much. Grab that glass of wine, you deserve it. Have another cookie. It goes on and on and so we bail, understandably. This is why asking yourself how or what first isn’t always the best starting point.
Kelle: We like starting with who. Who do I need to be to wake up early for the next few weeks and run to train for the 5K? What does she believe? What does she already know?
Nina: I’m becoming a runner. I’m someone who drinks in moderation so I can wake up early for a run. I’m becoming a healthier eater so I can feel better in my body.
Kelle: We’re really offering that you go inward and take a look at you, at your best self and the future you, you’re looking to embody. What does she think about this? What does she consider? What are her values? Who does she want to be in this circumstance? How does she want to feel? And then what does she want to do?
Nina: It’s not that we don’t ever ask the question, what should I do? I just don’t think it’s the best first question. That really good empowering first question is, who do I want to be in this circumstance? So notice when your brain just immediately wants to problem solve and go to, what should I do here? And notice how that focuses first on the actions. And if you take action from your first set of default thoughts, oftentimes they won’t be the most empowering, they won’t move the needle.
Kelle: Let’s go through a client example or two. A few weeks ago, a client felt disrespected by something someone said to her at work and asking her, “Who do you want to be in your circumstances?” It offered her the opportunity to explore, how can I be who I want to be here?
Nina: Yeah, we can’t change the other person, but we can decide how we want to show up. And she decided that her best self is someone who is kind back but also shares her experience of it. So it sounded like having a conversation with that other person and saying, “Hey, you know what? I really didn’t like that you said that and to me, it was a little bit disrespectful. So in the future, I prefer if you please, didn’t say that.” Period. There’s no explanations. There’s no, I’m sorry. There’s no avoidance. There’s no drama and complaining. There just is, this is who I want to be in this circumstance.
Kelle: Alright, another client said, “You know, every day after work when my husband gets home, he’s so moody.” So applying this question, who do I want to be when my husband comes home and he’s moody? Do I want to be someone who’s compassionate and kind and loving and connected to the extent I can? Maybe yes. Maybe some days. Other days maybe I don’t have that capacity. But she, our client, was focusing initially so much on how she could get him to not be moody. And of course we cannot control other people’s feelings.
Nina: Now, that doesn’t mean that she can’t also talk with her husband about it and kind of share with him how that experience is for her every day and make a request of him that he not be so moody.
Kelle: Yes, 100%, she can and should do that if she wants to. But the difference is in whether the question is being asked from the motivation to try to change and control her spouse or whether it’s being asked from the motivation of, this is just the type of spouse I want to be.
Nina: Be in one case, in the first one, you’re trying to control your spouse. And in the other, you’re focused on controlling yourself. That’s where your power lies. So regardless of how your spouse responds, you’ll feel like just asking that question was effective if it’s coming from that place, this is how I want to show up.
Kelle: And as a wife who has a husband who comes home who is moody after work, if you’re sort of in the how do I get my husband to do this mode. Then you’ll be focusing on the outcome based on his actions, which we can’t control. And believe me, if I could figure this out for myself, I would totally give you all that you need, but I have no idea. So just something to notice and pay attention to when we make requests. What’s the motivation behind the request? And are we sort of managing our minds first?
Nina: So back to you listener, who do you want to be under your challenging circumstances? What should you do versus who do you want to be? How does she want to think and feel? Is that in alignment with your best self, your vision of the future you? How might this challenge be an invitation for you to grow?
Kelle: Isn’t it funny how the universe often gives us what we need, not exactly what we want, but what we need?
Nina: Totally, totally.
Kelle: And as coaches, one of our jobs is to help you dream bigger than you are right now. Because we’re naturally programmed to stay stuck inside our little comfort cave, to listen to our default thoughts that seek comfort, safety, and pleasure, that keep us safe where we are.
Nina: So unless we make an intentional choice to leave, that’s where we’ll stay forever. And that’s why you’re here. We’re trained to help you do just that. We work with women who want to do big things but struggle with resistance. We will hold belief for you until you can hold it for yourself. We will remind you of what you’re capable of until you can remind yourself.
Kelle: We’ll hold you accountable for doing the things you say that you’re going to do until your self-trust grows so big that not doing those things would never even cross your mind. That’s a promise. Who’s a hell yes?
Nina: Yeah. If you liked what you heard here, keep coming back, future you will thank you. See you next time.
Kelle: Alright, see you next time.
Nina: To celebrate the launch of the show, we’re giving away a curated bespoke gift box hand-picked of our favorite things. We’re giving away 3 boxes to 3 lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the show.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star review, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome show that provides tons of value.
Nina: So visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. Be quick! You don’t have long. We'll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode!
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit kelleandnina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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