13. How to Quieten Your Inner Critic and Show Yourself Compassion
Why are high-achievers often unhappy? As high-achievers, we learn to believe from a young age that beating ourselves up with self-critical thoughts is the best way to power through challenges and improve as humans. Self-sabotage, self-doubt, and self-criticism are all the voice of our inner mean girl, and she can be brutal.
You might think it's productive or ambitious to speak to yourself like trash when you make a mistake, but it’s actually perpetuating burnout, overwhelm, and shame. Treating yourself terribly feels… well… terrible, but ambition doesn't have to feel terrible. If you're ready to stop kicking your own ass, this episode is for you.
Tune in this week to discover how your inner critic developed, and why you believe the unsupportive things she says. We discuss how your inner critic leads to self-doubt, self-sabotage, and eventually burnout, and you'll learn concrete strategies to meet yourself with a little compassion, kindness, and support in times of difficulty instead.
Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How to spot the voice of your inner critic.
Why we learned to speak to ourselves with extreme levels of self-criticism.
What self-sabotage looks like and how your inner critic perpetuates self-sabotage.
How beating yourself up leaves you spinning in a shame spiral.
The only antidote to the shame spiral that results from beating yourself up.
How to practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism during challenging times.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Self-sabotage, self-doubt, self-criticism, these experiences are all created by the voice of our inner mean girl, our inner critic. And that inner critic, man, she can be brutal, and it sees all of our faults.
Nina: High achievers specifically learn that beating themselves up with self-critical thoughts is the best way to power through a challenging circumstance.
Kelle: Here’s the thing, treating yourself like shit, feels terrible, that’s why it doesn’t work.
Nina: When we feel inadequate, our self-image or our self-concept is threatened and so we unwittingly attack the problem ourselves. This self-defeating inner talk track is not supportive or useful when the time comes to bounce back from adversity and it actually perpetuates burnout, overwhelm and shame.
Kelle: Sound familiar? Join us today as we show you how to quiet your inner mean girl and share with you the one and only antidote to the shame spiral.
Nina: Let’s get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. A few years ago, we were interviewed for a story on high achieving women and their patterns and tendencies. Do you remember this, Kel?
Kelle: Oh yeah.
Nina: The story tackled the question why are high achievers often so unhappy?
Kelle: Yeah. For most of our clients, life doesn’t look all that bad from the outside. High achievers are smart and ambitious, they’re focused and driven, they set big goals, and they take big risks, they push and strive and achieve, they’re productive and ‘successful,’ right?
Nina: Yeah. They’ve built an incredible life for themselves, undoubtedly. They do not have a lot to complain about.
Kelle: Alright, so why are these smart, driven strivers often so unhappy?
Nina: Put simply, it’s because they’re using crappy low grade fuel to drive them from finish line to finish line. They learn that kicking their own asses is the only way to get things done, to succeed and achieve.
Kelle: And it’s confusing because their work is rewarded by the world outside of them. They assume this must be the cost of ambition.
Nina: This is where we meet so many of our clients, they are ambitious-ish. One client put it this way when she started coaching with us, “It feels like a wasted life. I can’t even enjoy it because of all of this mental garbage. I want to reclaim it, to live this amazing life I’ve been given. I can be proud, kind of, sometimes. I can see how people think I’m successful but what happens in my mind is complete destruction.”
Kelle: Ambition doesn’t have to feel terrible, and you don’t have to kick your own ass anymore, high achiever.
Nina: But let’s back up for a sec. Have you ever noticed your inner critic? Have you ever noticed that you have one? That inner mean girl chatter in your head, it might sound something like, and Kel, chime in here.
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: Of course, you forgot. They won’t miss you. Why do I still have this pooch from having babies? I went to the wrong college. What do you think, Kel?
Kelle: Okay. What about, of course, it surpassed me, or I don’t deserve the success or okay, come on, Kelle, pull it together.
Nina: Yeah. I did something wrong. I said something wrong. I’m too much for her. They pay me too much. That’s come up.
Kelle: Oh yeah. I’m not a very good friend. I don’t deserve friendship.
Nina: Okay, whoa. Exhaling a bit here. Lots of negative thoughts.
Kelle: The things our inner mean girl serves us, we’d never say to a friend, but for whatever reason, it’s okay to say to ourselves. We’re convinced that if we only berate ourselves enough, blame ourselves enough and consider ourselves failures enough, we’d accomplish a lot more. Does this sound familiar?
Nina: Yeah. And in truth, these habits, and that’s truly what they are, habits, usually leave us exhausted and demoralized. So why do we do this? Where did we learn this?
Kelle: We’ve been conditioned over years and years to talk to ourselves this way. We were all born whole and worthy and beautiful and capable. Some people describe this as innocent. You can sometimes see this in a child, especially your own children, they have dreams and beliefs that anything is possible. They’re adorable in this way, untarnished by the world around them. We want to bottle their truths and hope and the optimism that they have.
Nina: Yeah. But at some point along the way, their beliefs are challenged by the world around them. This, I am wonder woman self-concept was challenged or judged by an outside source.
Kelle: Society, a friend, or family member gave us reason to doubt ourselves in some way and these parts of ourselves, the innocent, bright, energetic parts, they’re buried.
Nina: This may not surprise you, but I was Wonder Woman for Halloween on repeat growing up, by the way.
Kelle: Of course you were Nina, come on.
Nina: I know, I think it was just out of lack of creativity, I just recycled the costume. But anyway, we learned somehow and somewhere along the way that being ourselves wasn’t safe. We risked judgment and potential abandonment from the tribe. I remember being at a friend’s house for a barbecue one day growing up, I was young, seven or eight. And I remember being really hungry, borderline hangry. And I go to my friend’s big brothers and ask, “Hey, when’s lunch? I’m starving.” And my friend’s brother started teasing me, asking, “What am I, a baby? I need to eat lunch before noon. I’m so impatient. Can I wait until noon?”
They continued to tease that if I let my hunger get the best of me all day long, I’d be ‘fat one day.’
Kelle: Oh my God.
Nina: I know, this event seems light or slight or small, but for whatever reason it’s really memorable to me. And I sort of learned that I shouldn’t ask for my unmet needs, my basic human needs like food, unless I wanted to be judged. So, this story came with me all the way into grade school and junior high. When I was afraid to ask for more food at the lunch table at school, I just decided to stay hungry instead. And I actually remember rehearsing in my head, asking for seconds at the lunch table one day, like little Oliver Twist asking for more please at the orphanage.
Although Kelle knows my school was far from an orphanage. Growing up I went to a private school in Greenwich, Connecticut. And I must have been whispering while I was practicing, “May I have some more chicken, please?” And I whispered it loud enough for the boy sitting next to me to hear me and his name was Andy. This is how crystal clear this memory is. His name was Andy Fernandez, actually. And he kindly looked at me and goes, “Nina, do you want some more chicken?” And I was so embarrassed that he heard me. I quickly withdrew and said, “No, no, no, I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The point here is that whole worthy and capable version of myself, who believed anything was possible, I was worthy of it all and I can make all of my dreams come true. That self-concept was slowly chipped away over years and years of conditioning, situations that reformed or conditioned me to challenge the belief that I was again, whole, able, and worthy, that little girl in the Wonder Woman costume.
Kelle: Sweet little Wonder Woman. Yeah, when we say condition, it’s code for learned or even practiced. So generally speaking, for girls, maybe that meant us learning it’s not great to be entitled or loud or aggressive or assertive.
Nina: Totally.
Kelle: These were seen as negative because we would get negative feedback from those around us. So, we learned to shut up and play small, to not outshine anyone, to just be polite and kind. The word ‘civil’ comes to mind.
Nina: Which is a terribly boring way to be 24/7, 365. Can we all be civil here? Boring.
Kelle: So, our inner mean girl chatter developed around these situations to keep us safe.
Nina: So, this is key, this voice told us not to ask for our unmet needs, more food, in my case, because we risk being judged again and that is too painful. It’s a primal need, acceptance. We want to be part of the group or the tribe and risking this safety becomes unsafe.
Kelle: Our inner critic developed out of a necessity for our survival to keep us safe in the tribe. And we understandably started to believe this inner critical voice over time, thinking unsupportive thoughts on repeat that make us feel terrible, to keep ourselves safe.
Nina: This is us unwittingly, Kel, beating ourselves up.
Kelle: Yeah. So, do you ever tell yourself to just shut up? Where did you learn that? Or do you judge your body or what aging looks like for you? And where did you even learn wrinkles were wrong or bad or they shouldn’t be there? And did you ever tell yourself you should be further along in your career? And what makes you think you’re behind? And where did you learn that? Does your inner critic ever show up with an impostor narrative, comparing you to everyone else in the room, doubting you? When did you learn to do this and why?
Nina: And then does this inner critic ever convince you to bail, to self-sabotage instead of feeling a big emotion? Self-sabotage happens when you do something you consciously or unconsciously know is wrong in the moment because you’re trying to protect yourself from another big, uncomfortable feeling.
Kelle: Yeah, maybe you don’t apply for the job to avoid the risk of rejection or disappointment. And was your inner critic telling you you’re too old anyway, or you’re not qualified?
Nina: Or maybe you don’t raise your hand to ask a question to avoid judgment. Raising my hand here. So, you call yourself stupid instead. That inner critic knows how to protect you and keep you safe from all of the uncomfortable feels.
Kelle: Yeah. Here’s what’s interesting. Your inner critic is different than mine. It’s my unique voice in my head that reflects what society, my family and patriarchy has taught me is correct or safe for survival in the tribe.
Nina: Yeah. And for ambitious women in general, there are definitely unique thought patterns and themes here, but one big truth, this inner critic has kind of gotten us pretty far.
Kelle: Yeah. We learned to keep ourselves safe long ago in certain ways for certain reasons and life doesn’t look all that bad around us.
Nina: But this way of thinking, feeling and acting starts to feel terrible. It feels terrible, but we’re so used to it, and we wonder, can there be another way? Why do I feel stuck, cornered even?
Kelle: And then we cue the shame spiral. We should know how to figure this all out. What’s wrong with us? We don’t have much to complain about so why aren’t we happy?
Nina: What got us here won’t get us there, rock stars. This is again where we meet so many of our Ambitious-Ish clients. They feel stuck in thought patterns and feeling patterns, they’ve practiced for a long, long time.
Kelle: And this is where we can coach and help you get out of your own way and use your brain for you instead of against you. We never learn how to support ourselves under difficult circumstances. And if you’re anything like us, your inner mean girl taught you to suck it up, to walk it off or work it out, just go for a really long run. We created safety for ourselves in these maladaptive ways.
Nina: We’re convinced that if we only berate ourselves enough, blame ourselves enough, and consider ourselves failures enough, we’d accomplish a lot more.
Kelle: And all of the science and us call BS on that.
Nina: We can already sense your resistance here, not kick your own ass. What does that even mean?
Kelle: We’re guessing you’re sort of afraid to be kind to yourself. Maybe you don’t even know what that looks like. It’ll compromise your drive to make changes or get shit done or reach new goals. Are we right?
Nina: There is another way to feel safe and protected. When we’re mindful of our struggles and respond to ourselves with a little bit of compassion and kindness and support in times of difficulty, everything starts to change.
Kelle: Alright, we’re going to get a little ooey gooey here and introduce you to the concept of self-compassion.
Nina: Treating ourselves with compassion, and what mindfulness experts call ‘loving kindness,’ makes many of us cringe, especially high achievers, and perfectionists, right?
Kelle: Yeah, we’ve been wanting to rebrand that for a long time.
Nina: Let’s figure that out. We’ll get back to you.
Kelle: Anti-sentimentalists at first find self-compassion mildly annoying but then deeply useful.
Nina: Yeah, it’s got a syrupy reputation, but practicing self-compassion is like putting on a life vest during moments when you just want to scream. We process negative emotions differently. We float instead of sink. It helps us self-soothe in the face of difficulty and helps regulate emotions.
Kelle: Compassion literally means to suffer with and asks you to include yourself in your inner circle of kindness. Mindful self-compassion towards our negative emotions and experiences leads to a softer, kinder motivation. It’s a super clean and nourishing feel for our tanks that improves our brain’s ability to learn and change.
Nina: How about a few practices for listeners here, a few tools so they can practice being kinder to themselves?
Kelle: Yeah. Let’s focus on three tools you can use to begin to support yourself in difficult situations instead of kicking your own ass and feeling terrible, how about that?
Nina: Oh my gosh, yes. Here we go. First off, let’s befriend that inner critic, that inner mean girl, kind of like actually having a conversation with that ice queen at the cocktail party or in the office. Turn towards your inner mean girl when you notice her chime in and get to know her, just get curious about her. We suggest to clients that they name their inner mean girl.
Kelle: Yeah, actually name this part of you.
Nina: One of our queens and meditation teachers, Sharon Salzberg, named her inner critic, Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip. You know Lucy, dark hair, bossy, opinionated, always teasing Charlie Brown.
Kelle: Yeah, blue dress, love her. In naming your inner critic, we tame it, name it, and tame it is what we like to say.
Nina: Yeah, naming our inner critic helps us disentangle or unstick from them. Science tells us when we name difficult emotions and that inner critic, that difficult inner critic, the amygdala, nerd alert, hashtag, science, here we go. The amygdala is the part of our brain that registers danger, becomes less active and is less likely to trigger a stress reaction in our body.
Kelle: 100%. When we’re super self-critical on repeat, we unwittingly put ourselves in survival state. We attack ourselves, our nervous system is activated, and we shift into this fight or flight or freeze which we talked about in survival mode in episode number nine, so, check out that one if you haven’t. When we’re in survival, we’re not using our executive functioning, the CEO part of our brain. We’re not showing up at our best.
Nina: So, name that inner critic, name it and tame it and let us know how this goes.
Kelle: Hang on, Nina, what’s your inner critic name?
Nina: Well, mine’s Sarah. I think I’ve mentioned Sarah before on this podcast. She was a childhood friend. She called me a show off at a very young age and I’ll never forget it, among other things, yeah. What about you, Kelle? I know, but tell our listeners.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, so mine is my twin sister Crystal, whom I love. We are besties. We are full on besties.
Nina: We love you, Crystal.
Kelle: We love you. And she will tell me things that she would not tell anybody else, like those pants are just not the best color on us. And she kind of says it like that, it’s us because we’re identical twins.
Nina: So, it’s softer?
Kelle: Yeah, it’s a little bit softer. It’s not you, it’s both of us, we both look bad in that so don’t wear it.
Nina: Oh my God, I love it. So, Sarah and Crystal are our inner critics. So, name yours, everyone. It just improves your relationship with yourself, with this negative self-talk. The second tool, ask yourself, what do I need in this moment? This is the quintessential self-compassion question. High achievers were often taught through conditioning to not have any needs. We learn to sideline ourselves for them, it, her, or him. Our lack of attention for our unmet needs turns into resentment towards those closest to us or at least it often does for me and for many of us. But it also creates so much disconnection from ourselves and our loved ones.
Kelle: So, try this next time you notice your inner critic chime in, who you’ve now given a name, say hello, acknowledge she’s there and then turn towards yourself and consider, what do I need in this moment? What is my unmet need?
Nine: Yeah. So negative emotions are messengers. They’re telling us we have unmet needs. So, this requires mindfulness and the watcher practice we mention in episode five, to notice how you’re feeling in the moment, then to pause and ask yourself what the unmet need you have might be.
Kelle: Okay, so that was the second tool. So, the third practice we’d suggest is asking yourself, how would you treat a friend?
Nina: Yeah. Next time your inner critic chimes in or you identify a painful moment, consider how you’d treat a friend under the same circumstances.
Kelle: What would you say to support her if her purse was stolen out of her car? Would you shame her and berate her, “Man, can’t you keep track of anything? Why did you leave your purse right there in the car?” No, of course. So, you would reassure her. And can you offer that same support to yourself? Give it a try.
Nina: Yeah. It’s interesting how we can treat our friends and be so mean to ourselves. So just to recap, to tame that inner critic, we just need to, number one, get curious about her, name her to tame her. Number two, identify our unmet needs in painful moments and try to meet them for ourselves. And then number three, treat ourselves like we would a good friend. This is all just a good place to start, just some basic self-compassion tools.
Kelle: Okay, that’s all for today. Let us know how these practices go. Like we mentioned last week, join our email list for live access to Nina and I. You can ask us questions, get clarity, and even get coached.
Nina: Yeah, we offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities. We’ll put a link in the show notes to sign up.
Kelle: That’s all for today. Thanks for being here, all, we’ll see you next time.
Nina: See you next time.
Nina: If you enjoyed today’s show and don’t want to worry about missing an episode, you can follow the show wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven’t already, we would really appreciate it if you share the podcast with others who you think would benefit from it, and leave a rating and review to let us know what you think.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star rating, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome podcast that provides tons of value. Visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch for step-by-step instructions on how to follow, rate, and review.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: High achievers specifically learn that beating themselves up with self-critical thoughts is the best way to power through a challenging circumstance.
Kelle: Here’s the thing, treating yourself like shit, feels terrible, that’s why it doesn’t work.
Nina: When we feel inadequate, our self-image or our self-concept is threatened and so we unwittingly attack the problem ourselves. This self-defeating inner talk track is not supportive or useful when the time comes to bounce back from adversity and it actually perpetuates burnout, overwhelm and shame.
Kelle: Sound familiar? Join us today as we show you how to quiet your inner mean girl and share with you the one and only antidote to the shame spiral.
Nina: Let’s get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. A few years ago, we were interviewed for a story on high achieving women and their patterns and tendencies. Do you remember this, Kel?
Kelle: Oh yeah.
Nina: The story tackled the question why are high achievers often so unhappy?
Kelle: Yeah. For most of our clients, life doesn’t look all that bad from the outside. High achievers are smart and ambitious, they’re focused and driven, they set big goals, and they take big risks, they push and strive and achieve, they’re productive and ‘successful,’ right?
Nina: Yeah. They’ve built an incredible life for themselves, undoubtedly. They do not have a lot to complain about.
Kelle: Alright, so why are these smart, driven strivers often so unhappy?
Nina: Put simply, it’s because they’re using crappy low grade fuel to drive them from finish line to finish line. They learn that kicking their own asses is the only way to get things done, to succeed and achieve.
Kelle: And it’s confusing because their work is rewarded by the world outside of them. They assume this must be the cost of ambition.
Nina: This is where we meet so many of our clients, they are ambitious-ish. One client put it this way when she started coaching with us, “It feels like a wasted life. I can’t even enjoy it because of all of this mental garbage. I want to reclaim it, to live this amazing life I’ve been given. I can be proud, kind of, sometimes. I can see how people think I’m successful but what happens in my mind is complete destruction.”
Kelle: Ambition doesn’t have to feel terrible, and you don’t have to kick your own ass anymore, high achiever.
Nina: But let’s back up for a sec. Have you ever noticed your inner critic? Have you ever noticed that you have one? That inner mean girl chatter in your head, it might sound something like, and Kel, chime in here.
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: Of course, you forgot. They won’t miss you. Why do I still have this pooch from having babies? I went to the wrong college. What do you think, Kel?
Kelle: Okay. What about, of course, it surpassed me, or I don’t deserve the success or okay, come on, Kelle, pull it together.
Nina: Yeah. I did something wrong. I said something wrong. I’m too much for her. They pay me too much. That’s come up.
Kelle: Oh yeah. I’m not a very good friend. I don’t deserve friendship.
Nina: Okay, whoa. Exhaling a bit here. Lots of negative thoughts.
Kelle: The things our inner mean girl serves us, we’d never say to a friend, but for whatever reason, it’s okay to say to ourselves. We’re convinced that if we only berate ourselves enough, blame ourselves enough and consider ourselves failures enough, we’d accomplish a lot more. Does this sound familiar?
Nina: Yeah. And in truth, these habits, and that’s truly what they are, habits, usually leave us exhausted and demoralized. So why do we do this? Where did we learn this?
Kelle: We’ve been conditioned over years and years to talk to ourselves this way. We were all born whole and worthy and beautiful and capable. Some people describe this as innocent. You can sometimes see this in a child, especially your own children, they have dreams and beliefs that anything is possible. They’re adorable in this way, untarnished by the world around them. We want to bottle their truths and hope and the optimism that they have.
Nina: Yeah. But at some point along the way, their beliefs are challenged by the world around them. This, I am wonder woman self-concept was challenged or judged by an outside source.
Kelle: Society, a friend, or family member gave us reason to doubt ourselves in some way and these parts of ourselves, the innocent, bright, energetic parts, they’re buried.
Nina: This may not surprise you, but I was Wonder Woman for Halloween on repeat growing up, by the way.
Kelle: Of course you were Nina, come on.
Nina: I know, I think it was just out of lack of creativity, I just recycled the costume. But anyway, we learned somehow and somewhere along the way that being ourselves wasn’t safe. We risked judgment and potential abandonment from the tribe. I remember being at a friend’s house for a barbecue one day growing up, I was young, seven or eight. And I remember being really hungry, borderline hangry. And I go to my friend’s big brothers and ask, “Hey, when’s lunch? I’m starving.” And my friend’s brother started teasing me, asking, “What am I, a baby? I need to eat lunch before noon. I’m so impatient. Can I wait until noon?”
They continued to tease that if I let my hunger get the best of me all day long, I’d be ‘fat one day.’
Kelle: Oh my God.
Nina: I know, this event seems light or slight or small, but for whatever reason it’s really memorable to me. And I sort of learned that I shouldn’t ask for my unmet needs, my basic human needs like food, unless I wanted to be judged. So, this story came with me all the way into grade school and junior high. When I was afraid to ask for more food at the lunch table at school, I just decided to stay hungry instead. And I actually remember rehearsing in my head, asking for seconds at the lunch table one day, like little Oliver Twist asking for more please at the orphanage.
Although Kelle knows my school was far from an orphanage. Growing up I went to a private school in Greenwich, Connecticut. And I must have been whispering while I was practicing, “May I have some more chicken, please?” And I whispered it loud enough for the boy sitting next to me to hear me and his name was Andy. This is how crystal clear this memory is. His name was Andy Fernandez, actually. And he kindly looked at me and goes, “Nina, do you want some more chicken?” And I was so embarrassed that he heard me. I quickly withdrew and said, “No, no, no, I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The point here is that whole worthy and capable version of myself, who believed anything was possible, I was worthy of it all and I can make all of my dreams come true. That self-concept was slowly chipped away over years and years of conditioning, situations that reformed or conditioned me to challenge the belief that I was again, whole, able, and worthy, that little girl in the Wonder Woman costume.
Kelle: Sweet little Wonder Woman. Yeah, when we say condition, it’s code for learned or even practiced. So generally speaking, for girls, maybe that meant us learning it’s not great to be entitled or loud or aggressive or assertive.
Nina: Totally.
Kelle: These were seen as negative because we would get negative feedback from those around us. So, we learned to shut up and play small, to not outshine anyone, to just be polite and kind. The word ‘civil’ comes to mind.
Nina: Which is a terribly boring way to be 24/7, 365. Can we all be civil here? Boring.
Kelle: So, our inner mean girl chatter developed around these situations to keep us safe.
Nina: So, this is key, this voice told us not to ask for our unmet needs, more food, in my case, because we risk being judged again and that is too painful. It’s a primal need, acceptance. We want to be part of the group or the tribe and risking this safety becomes unsafe.
Kelle: Our inner critic developed out of a necessity for our survival to keep us safe in the tribe. And we understandably started to believe this inner critical voice over time, thinking unsupportive thoughts on repeat that make us feel terrible, to keep ourselves safe.
Nina: This is us unwittingly, Kel, beating ourselves up.
Kelle: Yeah. So, do you ever tell yourself to just shut up? Where did you learn that? Or do you judge your body or what aging looks like for you? And where did you even learn wrinkles were wrong or bad or they shouldn’t be there? And did you ever tell yourself you should be further along in your career? And what makes you think you’re behind? And where did you learn that? Does your inner critic ever show up with an impostor narrative, comparing you to everyone else in the room, doubting you? When did you learn to do this and why?
Nina: And then does this inner critic ever convince you to bail, to self-sabotage instead of feeling a big emotion? Self-sabotage happens when you do something you consciously or unconsciously know is wrong in the moment because you’re trying to protect yourself from another big, uncomfortable feeling.
Kelle: Yeah, maybe you don’t apply for the job to avoid the risk of rejection or disappointment. And was your inner critic telling you you’re too old anyway, or you’re not qualified?
Nina: Or maybe you don’t raise your hand to ask a question to avoid judgment. Raising my hand here. So, you call yourself stupid instead. That inner critic knows how to protect you and keep you safe from all of the uncomfortable feels.
Kelle: Yeah. Here’s what’s interesting. Your inner critic is different than mine. It’s my unique voice in my head that reflects what society, my family and patriarchy has taught me is correct or safe for survival in the tribe.
Nina: Yeah. And for ambitious women in general, there are definitely unique thought patterns and themes here, but one big truth, this inner critic has kind of gotten us pretty far.
Kelle: Yeah. We learned to keep ourselves safe long ago in certain ways for certain reasons and life doesn’t look all that bad around us.
Nina: But this way of thinking, feeling and acting starts to feel terrible. It feels terrible, but we’re so used to it, and we wonder, can there be another way? Why do I feel stuck, cornered even?
Kelle: And then we cue the shame spiral. We should know how to figure this all out. What’s wrong with us? We don’t have much to complain about so why aren’t we happy?
Nina: What got us here won’t get us there, rock stars. This is again where we meet so many of our Ambitious-Ish clients. They feel stuck in thought patterns and feeling patterns, they’ve practiced for a long, long time.
Kelle: And this is where we can coach and help you get out of your own way and use your brain for you instead of against you. We never learn how to support ourselves under difficult circumstances. And if you’re anything like us, your inner mean girl taught you to suck it up, to walk it off or work it out, just go for a really long run. We created safety for ourselves in these maladaptive ways.
Nina: We’re convinced that if we only berate ourselves enough, blame ourselves enough, and consider ourselves failures enough, we’d accomplish a lot more.
Kelle: And all of the science and us call BS on that.
Nina: We can already sense your resistance here, not kick your own ass. What does that even mean?
Kelle: We’re guessing you’re sort of afraid to be kind to yourself. Maybe you don’t even know what that looks like. It’ll compromise your drive to make changes or get shit done or reach new goals. Are we right?
Nina: There is another way to feel safe and protected. When we’re mindful of our struggles and respond to ourselves with a little bit of compassion and kindness and support in times of difficulty, everything starts to change.
Kelle: Alright, we’re going to get a little ooey gooey here and introduce you to the concept of self-compassion.
Nina: Treating ourselves with compassion, and what mindfulness experts call ‘loving kindness,’ makes many of us cringe, especially high achievers, and perfectionists, right?
Kelle: Yeah, we’ve been wanting to rebrand that for a long time.
Nina: Let’s figure that out. We’ll get back to you.
Kelle: Anti-sentimentalists at first find self-compassion mildly annoying but then deeply useful.
Nina: Yeah, it’s got a syrupy reputation, but practicing self-compassion is like putting on a life vest during moments when you just want to scream. We process negative emotions differently. We float instead of sink. It helps us self-soothe in the face of difficulty and helps regulate emotions.
Kelle: Compassion literally means to suffer with and asks you to include yourself in your inner circle of kindness. Mindful self-compassion towards our negative emotions and experiences leads to a softer, kinder motivation. It’s a super clean and nourishing feel for our tanks that improves our brain’s ability to learn and change.
Nina: How about a few practices for listeners here, a few tools so they can practice being kinder to themselves?
Kelle: Yeah. Let’s focus on three tools you can use to begin to support yourself in difficult situations instead of kicking your own ass and feeling terrible, how about that?
Nina: Oh my gosh, yes. Here we go. First off, let’s befriend that inner critic, that inner mean girl, kind of like actually having a conversation with that ice queen at the cocktail party or in the office. Turn towards your inner mean girl when you notice her chime in and get to know her, just get curious about her. We suggest to clients that they name their inner mean girl.
Kelle: Yeah, actually name this part of you.
Nina: One of our queens and meditation teachers, Sharon Salzberg, named her inner critic, Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip. You know Lucy, dark hair, bossy, opinionated, always teasing Charlie Brown.
Kelle: Yeah, blue dress, love her. In naming your inner critic, we tame it, name it, and tame it is what we like to say.
Nina: Yeah, naming our inner critic helps us disentangle or unstick from them. Science tells us when we name difficult emotions and that inner critic, that difficult inner critic, the amygdala, nerd alert, hashtag, science, here we go. The amygdala is the part of our brain that registers danger, becomes less active and is less likely to trigger a stress reaction in our body.
Kelle: 100%. When we’re super self-critical on repeat, we unwittingly put ourselves in survival state. We attack ourselves, our nervous system is activated, and we shift into this fight or flight or freeze which we talked about in survival mode in episode number nine, so, check out that one if you haven’t. When we’re in survival, we’re not using our executive functioning, the CEO part of our brain. We’re not showing up at our best.
Nina: So, name that inner critic, name it and tame it and let us know how this goes.
Kelle: Hang on, Nina, what’s your inner critic name?
Nina: Well, mine’s Sarah. I think I’ve mentioned Sarah before on this podcast. She was a childhood friend. She called me a show off at a very young age and I’ll never forget it, among other things, yeah. What about you, Kelle? I know, but tell our listeners.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, so mine is my twin sister Crystal, whom I love. We are besties. We are full on besties.
Nina: We love you, Crystal.
Kelle: We love you. And she will tell me things that she would not tell anybody else, like those pants are just not the best color on us. And she kind of says it like that, it’s us because we’re identical twins.
Nina: So, it’s softer?
Kelle: Yeah, it’s a little bit softer. It’s not you, it’s both of us, we both look bad in that so don’t wear it.
Nina: Oh my God, I love it. So, Sarah and Crystal are our inner critics. So, name yours, everyone. It just improves your relationship with yourself, with this negative self-talk. The second tool, ask yourself, what do I need in this moment? This is the quintessential self-compassion question. High achievers were often taught through conditioning to not have any needs. We learn to sideline ourselves for them, it, her, or him. Our lack of attention for our unmet needs turns into resentment towards those closest to us or at least it often does for me and for many of us. But it also creates so much disconnection from ourselves and our loved ones.
Kelle: So, try this next time you notice your inner critic chime in, who you’ve now given a name, say hello, acknowledge she’s there and then turn towards yourself and consider, what do I need in this moment? What is my unmet need?
Nine: Yeah. So negative emotions are messengers. They’re telling us we have unmet needs. So, this requires mindfulness and the watcher practice we mention in episode five, to notice how you’re feeling in the moment, then to pause and ask yourself what the unmet need you have might be.
Kelle: Okay, so that was the second tool. So, the third practice we’d suggest is asking yourself, how would you treat a friend?
Nina: Yeah. Next time your inner critic chimes in or you identify a painful moment, consider how you’d treat a friend under the same circumstances.
Kelle: What would you say to support her if her purse was stolen out of her car? Would you shame her and berate her, “Man, can’t you keep track of anything? Why did you leave your purse right there in the car?” No, of course. So, you would reassure her. And can you offer that same support to yourself? Give it a try.
Nina: Yeah. It’s interesting how we can treat our friends and be so mean to ourselves. So just to recap, to tame that inner critic, we just need to, number one, get curious about her, name her to tame her. Number two, identify our unmet needs in painful moments and try to meet them for ourselves. And then number three, treat ourselves like we would a good friend. This is all just a good place to start, just some basic self-compassion tools.
Kelle: Okay, that’s all for today. Let us know how these practices go. Like we mentioned last week, join our email list for live access to Nina and I. You can ask us questions, get clarity, and even get coached.
Nina: Yeah, we offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities. We’ll put a link in the show notes to sign up.
Kelle: That’s all for today. Thanks for being here, all, we’ll see you next time.
Nina: See you next time.
Nina: If you enjoyed today’s show and don’t want to worry about missing an episode, you can follow the show wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven’t already, we would really appreciate it if you share the podcast with others who you think would benefit from it, and leave a rating and review to let us know what you think.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star rating, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome podcast that provides tons of value. Visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch for step-by-step instructions on how to follow, rate, and review.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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