6. Stop Ignoring Your Anger: Try This Instead
When you were young, were you rewarded for being a “good girl,” praised for being easy, helpful, and reliable? If so, you are not alone. Many of us mastered this way of being: show up, be polite, be strong, and don’t cry. However, while this pleased everyone around us, it also led to us shutting down big feelings, especially uncomfortable ones like disappointment and anger.
Growing up, we were taught it makes everyone else’s life easier if we keep our feelings to ourselves. But now that you’re an adult, what is the cost of shelving your big emotions? And how could emotional intelligence and actually feeling your emotions become your superpower? Listen in to discover the true cost of ignoring your emotions.
In the disconnected, emotion-phobic world we live in, you might feel alone in your anger. But we see you and, in this episode, we share tips for listening to and processing your uncomfortable emotions, so you can show up for your life without a fear of how you’re going to feel.
Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why too many of us never learned to feel our emotions from a place of safety.
The tendency of every single human brain that results in us avoiding our big feelings.
How your feelings drive everything you do or don’t do in your life.
Where your difficult and uncomfortable emotions are really coming from.
Why the presence of difficult uncomfortable emotions doesn’t mean you’re malfunctioning.
9 mindset swaps you can try next time you’re feeling an uncomfortable emotion.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Did you learn when you were young to be a good girl? Were you rewarded for it, praised for being so easy, helpful, reliable, for being good?
Nina: So were we and so we mastered this way of being, be nice, be polite, be strong, oh, and don’t cry.
Kelle: A big part of that meant shutting down big feelings, especially uncomfortable ones like disappointment and anger.
Nina: Yeah, these made people around us uneasy. It’s not nice to feel that way in front of other people we learned. We were taught it makes everyone else’s lives easier if we kept our feelings to ourselves.
Kelle: Join us today to learn more about the cost of showing your big emotions and how emotional intelligence and actually feeling your emotions is your superpower.
Nina: Yeah, let’s get started. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey everyone, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. Before we get into today’s topic, we wanted to let you know that we’re announcing the winners of our podcast launch giveaway at the end of this episode. So stay tuned for the winner.
Kelle: Yes, so fun, we so appreciate all the support so far. More on that in a few. Okay let’s dive in.
Nina: Did you learn when you were young to be a good girl, to be easy, helpful, reliable, to be good?
Kelle: A big part of that meant shutting down big feelings. The world around us told us emotions are impolite or loud or weak or inappropriate, and they’re just time consuming.
Nina: Yeah. So we smiled and ignored them. And we learned our feelings mattered less than other people’s. And so we overworked, overtrained, overpleased, overdid it, overperformed, overserved, overachieved to make them happy. Their feelings were more important than ours. We stopped feeling deeply, we forgot how to. We practiced this for years.
Kelle: Yeah, we were rewarded and celebrated for pushing through and overing, overing everything. We were hashtag winning from the outside.
Nina: And that carrot kept moving, always another mountain to climb, reaching for the brass ring.
Kelle: We didn’t linger in the energy of celebration, the same way we didn’t linger in the energy of disappointment or frustration.
Nina: We’ve been blunting our real emotions for years with the forcing, our emotional thermostat set to fine.
Kelle: One client reflected this week, fine is where she’s most productive. And with her to-do list, that’s where she spends most of her time.
Nina: Yeah. Can you relate, high achiever? What’s this costing you, avoiding shelving and ignoring your emotions and yourself, your truths? You hear the whispers, you feel the longing.
Kelle: Be nice. Be polite. Be strong. Don’t cry. This is what you know, and it served you in creating the life you created. It’s just that there’s a time and a place for it. Put it in your back pocket for now. This could be your superpower.
Nina: But only if you use it for your greatest good, as the highest version of yourself. We’re guessing it’s a little scary to think about actually feeling those big feelings. One of our clients said a few years ago that she didn’t take deep breaths because she’s afraid of what she’d find there, and we totally get that.
Kelle: Many of us never learned how to feel our emotions, how to feel safe doing so. We were told anger is bad, something to be ashamed of. We were sent to our rooms, told to put it away, that it makes other people feel uncomfortable when we feel too much.
Nina: This is a big one for the women we work with. And we’re here to tell you there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling angry. It’s one of the hundreds of emotions humans can feel. Women especially, we need to normalize anger and help each other cope with it in healthy ways.
Kelle: Yeah, I think the idea of feeling our big emotions like anger, it’s just too overwhelming. And when we allow ourselves a second to feel them, we actually become totally overwhelmed.
Nina: It can seem like you’re the only one who’s struggling. Are we right? In the disconnected emotion phobic world we live in, many of us are made to feel bad about ever feeling bad.
Kelle: Yeah. And so we put on this happy face and pretend everything’s fine.
Nina: We’re hardwired to avoid discomfort and to be distracted, to seek comfort, safety, and pleasure. This is the tendency of every single human brain. So it makes sense that we learn to avoid big feelings, it’s human nature. Our avoidant, distracted behaviors over time, create our own unique, beautiful versions of autopilot.
Kelle: Having uncomfortable, difficult emotions doesn’t mean you’re malfunctioning, it means you’re human, rockstar. Most of our Ambitious-Ish clients come to us for coaching for two reasons.
Nina: Yeah, the first is lack of action. There’s something they want to do that they’re not doing or something they want to stop doing but can’t, a habit, a tendency, maybe both and several.
Kelle: It could be that they want to stop overworking or start setting boundaries, or they want to start a business or reconnect with family or start taking charge of their health. And they don’t know where to start to actually make it happen.
Nina: The second is all about how they feel. They want to feel happier. They want to feel better. So let’s talk about how to feel better.
Kelle: There’s another way to be, do and have what you want in your life, and it’s one of the most important skills we work on in coaching. Feeling better in your life, no matter what is going on around you.
Nina: And a disclaimer here, this is just one of many episodes we’ll cover feelings in. We’ll go super basic today, but overall when we feel deeply, we’re healthier individually and collectively. We show up differently. We’re confidently ambitious-ish. We’re all for that.
Kelle: Yeah, we’re all for that. When we ask our clients, “What do you mean about wanting to be happy?” They say, “I just want to feel happy all the time.” And we love that idea. But let’s talk about being happy and all the other feelings that go along with living a big, bold, beautiful life.
Nina: So back up for a sec. What are feelings and where do they come from? Feelings are important because they are the why behind everything we do.
Kelle: We do what we do because of how we’re hoping it’ll make us feel. Take a moment and think about that. So we take a new job, we leave a relationship, we lose the weight, we go on vacation, we buy a new pair of shoes.
Nina: All because of how we think doing so will make us feel. Feelings drive everything we do or don’t do.
Kelle: We avoid doing things because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable feelings like speaking in public or starting a business or leaving a relationship that hasn’t been working in years, losing the weight, or having awkward conversations.
Nina: Yes, feelings can be really confusing too.
Kelle: We learn when we are young on the playground growing up that other people create our feelings and hurt our feelings like, oh, did Jane hurt your feelings? Did she say something that offended you? Did she call you a mean name? Do you like that voice?
Nina: Yes. I remember Sarah Oster calling me a show off when we were trading Garbage Pail Kids on the floor of her bedroom in second grade. I was so hurt. I actually asked her mom if I could go home. I’ll never forget it. I can’t believe I’m bringing this up right now.
Kelle: Did you say Garbage Pail Kids?
Nina: Yes, I think that’s filled in the if you know you know folder. This is one of the most important stories we need to un-learn in life. No one can hurt your feelings because your thoughts create your feelings.
Kelle: Yeah. The same thing goes for when some random honks and flips you the bird in traffic, you can take it personally and let their bad manners wreck your day. But the truth is, their actions likely have nothing to do with you, they’re just on one, and you can believe whatever you want about it.
Nina: Yeah, the poor guy’s having a rough day.
Kelle: We practice this on repeat in coaching. If our clients can leave coaching having mastered one single concept, it’s this. Your thoughts create your feelings. How you think determines how you feel.
Nina: It’s the one simple truth of our coaching program. This is a clutch skill for ambitious-ish women.
Kelle: But listen, we get it if you don’t get this right away.
Nina: Yeah. Brené Brown, one of our queens, is a PhD and researcher on all things emotions. And when she asked around 7500 people in a study to identify all of the emotions that they could recognize and name when they’re experiencing them. The average was three, happy, sad, and mad or as it was most often written in the surveys she collected, glad, sad, and pissed off.
Kelle: I think we all know how all of those feel.
Nina: Yeah. And this is so common when people first come to coaching too.
Kelle: Psychologists call getting specific about what you’re feeling, emotional granularity. And it’s a first step in navigating big feelings. Research shows that the ability to get really specific about what we’re feeling improves our well-being, physical health, and life satisfaction.
Nina: Put it this way, you go to your favorite Indian restaurant, and you taste a super spicy ingredient in your saag paneer or your masala, that you don’t really recognize. And instead of asking about it with the wait staff, you just sort of suck up the heat, get your sweat on and your bowels scream at you later that night.
Kelle: I know.
Nina: And it’s your favorite restaurant so you’re obviously going back, but you don’t know what the ingredient was. So now you don’t really know how to navigate it on the menu.
Kelle: So what if instead you asked the wait staff about the ingredient and came up with a name for it? How much more amazing and lovely is your experience at the Indian restaurant and all the other restaurants, now that you know what it’s called. You can order dishes with it or without it, light or heavy, your bowels will thank you. Your family will definitely thank you. Your plumbing, thanks, yo. You don’t have that no sleep, yucky tummy hangover the next day.
Nina: Yeah, you can navigate the ingredient better now that you know what it’s called. You can create more of the flavor or less of it in your meal. For me, this is raw onions. For whatever reason when I eat raw onions, they stay with me all day and actually bacon is the same. I can smell them on my hands and taste them in my mouth all day long. And now that I recognize that, I can ask for my sandwiches without onions.
Kelle: Fun. Sandwiches are always better when they’re made by someone else. And beach sandwiches, I mean, come on, Nina, we know you love your sandwiches. Negative emotions specifically are harder to be with and they’re harder to identify. So instead of feeling them, we resist them, we avoid them. We pretend they’re not there, completely ignore them or we react to them.
Nina: But it’s really important that we learn to be with them because they’re messengers. They’re showing us we have unmet needs. So if we can name a negative emotion, spend time there for a minute, we can identify the underlying unmet need.
Kelle: But let’s back up. Our emotions are created by our thoughts. Our thoughts stimulate vibrations in our body called feelings. We literally feel our thoughts.
Nina: Think about that for a sec. Our feelings are a felt sensation of what is happening in our brains.
Kelle: So when we feel relaxed, we’re thinking relaxing thoughts. It’s not that we have to be in a hammock with a Corona in our hand at the beach in Cabo, although that sounds amazing right now.
Nina: Amazing. Another snowy weekend here.
Kelle: But feeling relaxed can happen any time by thinking a relaxing thought, we call this thinking on purpose.
Nina: Okay, stay with us here.
Kelle: It’s hard to think relaxing thoughts in the middle of the day at work or at home between 6:00 and 9:00pm. We usually go with a glass of wine or three or distract ourselves with some lingering emails or texts. Those take us away from the opportunity to actually feel relaxed and connected. Instead, we sort of numb out or buffer. It doesn’t matter what the kids are doing, you’ve got your wine, it’s fine. Finishing up a few loose ends at work is easier than chitter chatter with your spouse, it’s fine.
Nina: And honestly, looping on the same thoughts that make you feel stressed and overwhelmed on repeat all day long is easier than thinking better feeling thoughts. Are we right?
Kelle: We practice certain thoughts that become our go to sort of automatic and these stressful thoughts create the emotion of stress in our bodies. So we’re thinking patterns create feeling patterns.
Nina: Yeah, this is all to say it’s not your work that’s stressing you out, it’s not your bank account or your wardrobe or your relationships or your clients or your schedule. It’s your thoughts about all of those things that create your experience of them, how you feel about them.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s what you’re making those mean.
Nina: A lot of our clients and ourselves included, fall into what we call protest mode. Their thoughts loop on complaining and blaming. Raise your hand. And these thinking patterns can really make us feel miserable and powerless.
Kelle: Yeah. An example here might be all of the have tos, you’re telling yourself you have to do. It feels terrible, never ending obligation overload, we feel swamped and overwhelmed with all the have tos we’re telling ourselves are obligatory. And our day-to-day actions start to lose meaning. We feel terrible living the lives that we’re living.
Nina: In order to feel better in your life, we have to notice how we’re feeling. We call this noticing and naming our emotions. And then identify the thought creating those feelings.
Kelle: We can take a look at the thought, question it, fact check it and think a better feeling thought.
Nina: Everything in your life can stay the same, and you can have a completely different experience of it all just by changing how you think at work, at home and in your relationships.
Kelle: This is how we feel better, how we feel more empowered without changing anything outside of us. This isn’t woo woo magical thinking. It’s called thought work. It’s the practice of becoming aware of how your thinking impacts your emotions, your behaviors, and the results you want to create in your life.
Nina: When we avoid feelings, when we pull out the be nice, be polite, be strong mode, we avoid our truths. We’re neglecting ourselves in a deep way by steamrolling what’s really going on in our minds and bodies, painful stories that create feelings of loneliness or disappointment or comparison that really need attention.
Kelle: Instead of numbing out to Netflix, overworking, overeating, overdrinking, we can learn to be with these big feelings, process them in a safe and healthy way and then think better feeling thoughts that make us feel more empowered.
Nina: So let us show you what we mean. Here are nine mindset swaps that night help you feel better.
Kelle: Alright, instead of, no one appreciates all the work I do, try this. I appreciate every single thing I do. I’m doing a good job.
Nina: Yeah, instead of, I’m worried I’m not doing enough, try this. I’m doing what I can with everything I’ve got today.
Kelle: Instead of, I’m exhausted, try this. I’m tired and that’s okay. I’ll take care of myself tonight.
Nina: Yeah. Instead of, I can’t handle the way my boss yells, try this. My boss’s behavior isn’t about me, it’s about their dysregulation and I can cope with that.
Kelle: That’s such a good one. Alright, instead of, there’s no way I can get it all done, I don’t have time, try this. I don’t have to do any of it, but I will do what I can with the time I have. I can do hard things.
Nina: Instead of, I don’t have any time to myself, try this. I control how I manage my time. Today it might be five minutes to myself, tomorrow can be different.
Kelle: Alright, three more. Instead of, I can’t have my career, dreams and manage the kids, try this. I’m a woman and a mom pursuing what I love, and I decide what’s possible for me.
Nina: Instead of, I can’t do this anymore, it’s just not fair to me, try this. This feels hard because it is hard, not because I’m doing something wrong. I can take my time and take a break. I can do this.
Kelle: Alright, and the last one. Instead of, I’m tired, I’m angry and I’m overwhelmed, try this. I feel tired. I feel angry, and I feel overwhelmed. These emotions aren’t who I am, I’m pretty kickass and I can process these feelings.
Nina: See how your thoughts here can be totally optional? A helpful question to ask and get this shift started is, is the way I’m thinking about this empowering me? Do I like the way this feels? If the answer is no, then it’s time to change the way you’re thinking about it.
Kelle: Feeling better requires us all to pay attention to ourselves differently, to bring in that watch or practice we talked about in episode five. If you didn’t catch that, go back, and check it out. We want to be more mindful, we can’t change what we don’t notice, and this kind of awareness helps us be more intentional in our lives.
Nina: When we feel better, or at least a little more empowered, we take more empowered action. Our feelings drive all of our actions and behaviors and also our inaction and bad behaviors.
Kelle: Alright, let’s land this plane and come full circle. Jane on the playground cannot hurt your feelings. You can think whatever you want to think about the words she says and feel however you want to feel, same with the guy raging in the traffic circle.
Nina: Yeah, no one can hurt your feelings, only you can think thoughts that make you feel hurt or rejected or disrespected or burned out or jerked around.
Kelle: Play with this concept this week. What are you taking personally and why? Check your thoughts and how they’re making you feel.
Nina: And here’s a pro tip, everyone. This kind of practice does ask that you slow down a bit and check in. That isn’t easy at first. We’re in go mode all day long after all. Remember we can’t change what we don’t notice. This is all about paying attention to yourself differently to create different results in your life.
Kelle: Yeah, the time it takes for you to downshift and check in and practice this work will deliver dividends galore in the long run, we promise.
Nina: Alright, it’s giveaway time. Today we’re announcing the winners of our podcast launch giveaway. These were the three bespoke gift baskets filled with a few of our absolutely favorite things.
Kelle: Oh my gosh, these are pretty killer, I hope we have some leftovers Nina.
Nina: Yeah totally.
Kelle: Okay so the winners are Katherine Miles, Elle Friedman, and Perry Hardy.
Nina: Yow!
Kelle: I know, how fun. Okay thanks so much ladies for your support. Thank you to everyone who has listened, everyone who has rated and reviewed, we so appreciate you.
Nina: Yeah, it’s huge, it makes a huge difference with the algorithms and helps us spread our message and offer solutions to all of the smart driven women out there, who want to actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create.
Kelle: We’re loving creating this content for you all, we cannot wait to share the next episode with you. Thanks all for now. Talk soon.
Nina: Yeah, talk soon, thanks again!
Nina: If you enjoyed today’s show and don’t want to worry about missing an episode, you can follow the show wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven’t already, we would really appreciate it if you share the podcast with others who you think would benefit from it, and leave a rating and review to let us know what you think.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star rating, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome podcast that provides tons of value. Visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch for step-by-step instructions on how to follow, rate, and review.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: So were we and so we mastered this way of being, be nice, be polite, be strong, oh, and don’t cry.
Kelle: A big part of that meant shutting down big feelings, especially uncomfortable ones like disappointment and anger.
Nina: Yeah, these made people around us uneasy. It’s not nice to feel that way in front of other people we learned. We were taught it makes everyone else’s lives easier if we kept our feelings to ourselves.
Kelle: Join us today to learn more about the cost of showing your big emotions and how emotional intelligence and actually feeling your emotions is your superpower.
Nina: Yeah, let’s get started. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey everyone, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. Before we get into today’s topic, we wanted to let you know that we’re announcing the winners of our podcast launch giveaway at the end of this episode. So stay tuned for the winner.
Kelle: Yes, so fun, we so appreciate all the support so far. More on that in a few. Okay let’s dive in.
Nina: Did you learn when you were young to be a good girl, to be easy, helpful, reliable, to be good?
Kelle: A big part of that meant shutting down big feelings. The world around us told us emotions are impolite or loud or weak or inappropriate, and they’re just time consuming.
Nina: Yeah. So we smiled and ignored them. And we learned our feelings mattered less than other people’s. And so we overworked, overtrained, overpleased, overdid it, overperformed, overserved, overachieved to make them happy. Their feelings were more important than ours. We stopped feeling deeply, we forgot how to. We practiced this for years.
Kelle: Yeah, we were rewarded and celebrated for pushing through and overing, overing everything. We were hashtag winning from the outside.
Nina: And that carrot kept moving, always another mountain to climb, reaching for the brass ring.
Kelle: We didn’t linger in the energy of celebration, the same way we didn’t linger in the energy of disappointment or frustration.
Nina: We’ve been blunting our real emotions for years with the forcing, our emotional thermostat set to fine.
Kelle: One client reflected this week, fine is where she’s most productive. And with her to-do list, that’s where she spends most of her time.
Nina: Yeah. Can you relate, high achiever? What’s this costing you, avoiding shelving and ignoring your emotions and yourself, your truths? You hear the whispers, you feel the longing.
Kelle: Be nice. Be polite. Be strong. Don’t cry. This is what you know, and it served you in creating the life you created. It’s just that there’s a time and a place for it. Put it in your back pocket for now. This could be your superpower.
Nina: But only if you use it for your greatest good, as the highest version of yourself. We’re guessing it’s a little scary to think about actually feeling those big feelings. One of our clients said a few years ago that she didn’t take deep breaths because she’s afraid of what she’d find there, and we totally get that.
Kelle: Many of us never learned how to feel our emotions, how to feel safe doing so. We were told anger is bad, something to be ashamed of. We were sent to our rooms, told to put it away, that it makes other people feel uncomfortable when we feel too much.
Nina: This is a big one for the women we work with. And we’re here to tell you there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling angry. It’s one of the hundreds of emotions humans can feel. Women especially, we need to normalize anger and help each other cope with it in healthy ways.
Kelle: Yeah, I think the idea of feeling our big emotions like anger, it’s just too overwhelming. And when we allow ourselves a second to feel them, we actually become totally overwhelmed.
Nina: It can seem like you’re the only one who’s struggling. Are we right? In the disconnected emotion phobic world we live in, many of us are made to feel bad about ever feeling bad.
Kelle: Yeah. And so we put on this happy face and pretend everything’s fine.
Nina: We’re hardwired to avoid discomfort and to be distracted, to seek comfort, safety, and pleasure. This is the tendency of every single human brain. So it makes sense that we learn to avoid big feelings, it’s human nature. Our avoidant, distracted behaviors over time, create our own unique, beautiful versions of autopilot.
Kelle: Having uncomfortable, difficult emotions doesn’t mean you’re malfunctioning, it means you’re human, rockstar. Most of our Ambitious-Ish clients come to us for coaching for two reasons.
Nina: Yeah, the first is lack of action. There’s something they want to do that they’re not doing or something they want to stop doing but can’t, a habit, a tendency, maybe both and several.
Kelle: It could be that they want to stop overworking or start setting boundaries, or they want to start a business or reconnect with family or start taking charge of their health. And they don’t know where to start to actually make it happen.
Nina: The second is all about how they feel. They want to feel happier. They want to feel better. So let’s talk about how to feel better.
Kelle: There’s another way to be, do and have what you want in your life, and it’s one of the most important skills we work on in coaching. Feeling better in your life, no matter what is going on around you.
Nina: And a disclaimer here, this is just one of many episodes we’ll cover feelings in. We’ll go super basic today, but overall when we feel deeply, we’re healthier individually and collectively. We show up differently. We’re confidently ambitious-ish. We’re all for that.
Kelle: Yeah, we’re all for that. When we ask our clients, “What do you mean about wanting to be happy?” They say, “I just want to feel happy all the time.” And we love that idea. But let’s talk about being happy and all the other feelings that go along with living a big, bold, beautiful life.
Nina: So back up for a sec. What are feelings and where do they come from? Feelings are important because they are the why behind everything we do.
Kelle: We do what we do because of how we’re hoping it’ll make us feel. Take a moment and think about that. So we take a new job, we leave a relationship, we lose the weight, we go on vacation, we buy a new pair of shoes.
Nina: All because of how we think doing so will make us feel. Feelings drive everything we do or don’t do.
Kelle: We avoid doing things because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable feelings like speaking in public or starting a business or leaving a relationship that hasn’t been working in years, losing the weight, or having awkward conversations.
Nina: Yes, feelings can be really confusing too.
Kelle: We learn when we are young on the playground growing up that other people create our feelings and hurt our feelings like, oh, did Jane hurt your feelings? Did she say something that offended you? Did she call you a mean name? Do you like that voice?
Nina: Yes. I remember Sarah Oster calling me a show off when we were trading Garbage Pail Kids on the floor of her bedroom in second grade. I was so hurt. I actually asked her mom if I could go home. I’ll never forget it. I can’t believe I’m bringing this up right now.
Kelle: Did you say Garbage Pail Kids?
Nina: Yes, I think that’s filled in the if you know you know folder. This is one of the most important stories we need to un-learn in life. No one can hurt your feelings because your thoughts create your feelings.
Kelle: Yeah. The same thing goes for when some random honks and flips you the bird in traffic, you can take it personally and let their bad manners wreck your day. But the truth is, their actions likely have nothing to do with you, they’re just on one, and you can believe whatever you want about it.
Nina: Yeah, the poor guy’s having a rough day.
Kelle: We practice this on repeat in coaching. If our clients can leave coaching having mastered one single concept, it’s this. Your thoughts create your feelings. How you think determines how you feel.
Nina: It’s the one simple truth of our coaching program. This is a clutch skill for ambitious-ish women.
Kelle: But listen, we get it if you don’t get this right away.
Nina: Yeah. Brené Brown, one of our queens, is a PhD and researcher on all things emotions. And when she asked around 7500 people in a study to identify all of the emotions that they could recognize and name when they’re experiencing them. The average was three, happy, sad, and mad or as it was most often written in the surveys she collected, glad, sad, and pissed off.
Kelle: I think we all know how all of those feel.
Nina: Yeah. And this is so common when people first come to coaching too.
Kelle: Psychologists call getting specific about what you’re feeling, emotional granularity. And it’s a first step in navigating big feelings. Research shows that the ability to get really specific about what we’re feeling improves our well-being, physical health, and life satisfaction.
Nina: Put it this way, you go to your favorite Indian restaurant, and you taste a super spicy ingredient in your saag paneer or your masala, that you don’t really recognize. And instead of asking about it with the wait staff, you just sort of suck up the heat, get your sweat on and your bowels scream at you later that night.
Kelle: I know.
Nina: And it’s your favorite restaurant so you’re obviously going back, but you don’t know what the ingredient was. So now you don’t really know how to navigate it on the menu.
Kelle: So what if instead you asked the wait staff about the ingredient and came up with a name for it? How much more amazing and lovely is your experience at the Indian restaurant and all the other restaurants, now that you know what it’s called. You can order dishes with it or without it, light or heavy, your bowels will thank you. Your family will definitely thank you. Your plumbing, thanks, yo. You don’t have that no sleep, yucky tummy hangover the next day.
Nina: Yeah, you can navigate the ingredient better now that you know what it’s called. You can create more of the flavor or less of it in your meal. For me, this is raw onions. For whatever reason when I eat raw onions, they stay with me all day and actually bacon is the same. I can smell them on my hands and taste them in my mouth all day long. And now that I recognize that, I can ask for my sandwiches without onions.
Kelle: Fun. Sandwiches are always better when they’re made by someone else. And beach sandwiches, I mean, come on, Nina, we know you love your sandwiches. Negative emotions specifically are harder to be with and they’re harder to identify. So instead of feeling them, we resist them, we avoid them. We pretend they’re not there, completely ignore them or we react to them.
Nina: But it’s really important that we learn to be with them because they’re messengers. They’re showing us we have unmet needs. So if we can name a negative emotion, spend time there for a minute, we can identify the underlying unmet need.
Kelle: But let’s back up. Our emotions are created by our thoughts. Our thoughts stimulate vibrations in our body called feelings. We literally feel our thoughts.
Nina: Think about that for a sec. Our feelings are a felt sensation of what is happening in our brains.
Kelle: So when we feel relaxed, we’re thinking relaxing thoughts. It’s not that we have to be in a hammock with a Corona in our hand at the beach in Cabo, although that sounds amazing right now.
Nina: Amazing. Another snowy weekend here.
Kelle: But feeling relaxed can happen any time by thinking a relaxing thought, we call this thinking on purpose.
Nina: Okay, stay with us here.
Kelle: It’s hard to think relaxing thoughts in the middle of the day at work or at home between 6:00 and 9:00pm. We usually go with a glass of wine or three or distract ourselves with some lingering emails or texts. Those take us away from the opportunity to actually feel relaxed and connected. Instead, we sort of numb out or buffer. It doesn’t matter what the kids are doing, you’ve got your wine, it’s fine. Finishing up a few loose ends at work is easier than chitter chatter with your spouse, it’s fine.
Nina: And honestly, looping on the same thoughts that make you feel stressed and overwhelmed on repeat all day long is easier than thinking better feeling thoughts. Are we right?
Kelle: We practice certain thoughts that become our go to sort of automatic and these stressful thoughts create the emotion of stress in our bodies. So we’re thinking patterns create feeling patterns.
Nina: Yeah, this is all to say it’s not your work that’s stressing you out, it’s not your bank account or your wardrobe or your relationships or your clients or your schedule. It’s your thoughts about all of those things that create your experience of them, how you feel about them.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s what you’re making those mean.
Nina: A lot of our clients and ourselves included, fall into what we call protest mode. Their thoughts loop on complaining and blaming. Raise your hand. And these thinking patterns can really make us feel miserable and powerless.
Kelle: Yeah. An example here might be all of the have tos, you’re telling yourself you have to do. It feels terrible, never ending obligation overload, we feel swamped and overwhelmed with all the have tos we’re telling ourselves are obligatory. And our day-to-day actions start to lose meaning. We feel terrible living the lives that we’re living.
Nina: In order to feel better in your life, we have to notice how we’re feeling. We call this noticing and naming our emotions. And then identify the thought creating those feelings.
Kelle: We can take a look at the thought, question it, fact check it and think a better feeling thought.
Nina: Everything in your life can stay the same, and you can have a completely different experience of it all just by changing how you think at work, at home and in your relationships.
Kelle: This is how we feel better, how we feel more empowered without changing anything outside of us. This isn’t woo woo magical thinking. It’s called thought work. It’s the practice of becoming aware of how your thinking impacts your emotions, your behaviors, and the results you want to create in your life.
Nina: When we avoid feelings, when we pull out the be nice, be polite, be strong mode, we avoid our truths. We’re neglecting ourselves in a deep way by steamrolling what’s really going on in our minds and bodies, painful stories that create feelings of loneliness or disappointment or comparison that really need attention.
Kelle: Instead of numbing out to Netflix, overworking, overeating, overdrinking, we can learn to be with these big feelings, process them in a safe and healthy way and then think better feeling thoughts that make us feel more empowered.
Nina: So let us show you what we mean. Here are nine mindset swaps that night help you feel better.
Kelle: Alright, instead of, no one appreciates all the work I do, try this. I appreciate every single thing I do. I’m doing a good job.
Nina: Yeah, instead of, I’m worried I’m not doing enough, try this. I’m doing what I can with everything I’ve got today.
Kelle: Instead of, I’m exhausted, try this. I’m tired and that’s okay. I’ll take care of myself tonight.
Nina: Yeah. Instead of, I can’t handle the way my boss yells, try this. My boss’s behavior isn’t about me, it’s about their dysregulation and I can cope with that.
Kelle: That’s such a good one. Alright, instead of, there’s no way I can get it all done, I don’t have time, try this. I don’t have to do any of it, but I will do what I can with the time I have. I can do hard things.
Nina: Instead of, I don’t have any time to myself, try this. I control how I manage my time. Today it might be five minutes to myself, tomorrow can be different.
Kelle: Alright, three more. Instead of, I can’t have my career, dreams and manage the kids, try this. I’m a woman and a mom pursuing what I love, and I decide what’s possible for me.
Nina: Instead of, I can’t do this anymore, it’s just not fair to me, try this. This feels hard because it is hard, not because I’m doing something wrong. I can take my time and take a break. I can do this.
Kelle: Alright, and the last one. Instead of, I’m tired, I’m angry and I’m overwhelmed, try this. I feel tired. I feel angry, and I feel overwhelmed. These emotions aren’t who I am, I’m pretty kickass and I can process these feelings.
Nina: See how your thoughts here can be totally optional? A helpful question to ask and get this shift started is, is the way I’m thinking about this empowering me? Do I like the way this feels? If the answer is no, then it’s time to change the way you’re thinking about it.
Kelle: Feeling better requires us all to pay attention to ourselves differently, to bring in that watch or practice we talked about in episode five. If you didn’t catch that, go back, and check it out. We want to be more mindful, we can’t change what we don’t notice, and this kind of awareness helps us be more intentional in our lives.
Nina: When we feel better, or at least a little more empowered, we take more empowered action. Our feelings drive all of our actions and behaviors and also our inaction and bad behaviors.
Kelle: Alright, let’s land this plane and come full circle. Jane on the playground cannot hurt your feelings. You can think whatever you want to think about the words she says and feel however you want to feel, same with the guy raging in the traffic circle.
Nina: Yeah, no one can hurt your feelings, only you can think thoughts that make you feel hurt or rejected or disrespected or burned out or jerked around.
Kelle: Play with this concept this week. What are you taking personally and why? Check your thoughts and how they’re making you feel.
Nina: And here’s a pro tip, everyone. This kind of practice does ask that you slow down a bit and check in. That isn’t easy at first. We’re in go mode all day long after all. Remember we can’t change what we don’t notice. This is all about paying attention to yourself differently to create different results in your life.
Kelle: Yeah, the time it takes for you to downshift and check in and practice this work will deliver dividends galore in the long run, we promise.
Nina: Alright, it’s giveaway time. Today we’re announcing the winners of our podcast launch giveaway. These were the three bespoke gift baskets filled with a few of our absolutely favorite things.
Kelle: Oh my gosh, these are pretty killer, I hope we have some leftovers Nina.
Nina: Yeah totally.
Kelle: Okay so the winners are Katherine Miles, Elle Friedman, and Perry Hardy.
Nina: Yow!
Kelle: I know, how fun. Okay thanks so much ladies for your support. Thank you to everyone who has listened, everyone who has rated and reviewed, we so appreciate you.
Nina: Yeah, it’s huge, it makes a huge difference with the algorithms and helps us spread our message and offer solutions to all of the smart driven women out there, who want to actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create.
Kelle: We’re loving creating this content for you all, we cannot wait to share the next episode with you. Thanks all for now. Talk soon.
Nina: Yeah, talk soon, thanks again!
Nina: If you enjoyed today’s show and don’t want to worry about missing an episode, you can follow the show wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven’t already, we would really appreciate it if you share the podcast with others who you think would benefit from it, and leave a rating and review to let us know what you think.
Kelle: It doesn’t have to be a 5-star rating, although we sure hope you love the show. We want your honest feedback so we can create an awesome podcast that provides tons of value. Visit ambitious-ish.com/podcastlaunch for step-by-step instructions on how to follow, rate, and review.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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