29. 5 Burnout Warning Signs Every Ambitious Woman Should Know: Burnout Mini-Series Part 1
Do you feel like you're constantly running on empty, irritated all the time, and stuck in a never-ending cycle of stress and exhaustion? If so, you might be experiencing burnout. You might think you just need a week off of work or away from home and you’ll bounce right back. However, burnout isn't just about the hours you're putting in. It's also a function of the stories you tell yourself and how you approach everything in your life. So, a little vacay isn't the solution here.
We have our own personal burnout stories (which we share today) but more and more of our clients are coming to calls totally burned out. If it’s happening to our clients, it’s probably happening to you too. We see this as an invitation to take a deeper dive into what burnout actually is and how Ambitious-Ish women like you can manage it before it leaves you exhausted.
Tune in this week for a best-of episode as we debunk three common myths about burnout and share five key burnout warning signs Ambitious-Ish women need to watch out for. If you're ready to break free from the cycle of burnout and reclaim your joy and well-being, this is the first episode in a mini-series just for you.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why burnout is on the rise and how it affects ambitious women.
3 common myths about burnout that keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Our stories of burning out hard in the corporate world.
5 key warning signs that you might be headed towards burnout.
How to practice B-minus work and let go of perfectionism.
Why self-care is essential for preventing burnout and how to make it a priority in your life.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
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Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy
Full Episode Transcript:
Nine: Hey, Kel, it’s one of those weeks, so many of our clients are coming to calls feeling totally burned out.
Kelle: Totally. It’s so interesting when we have weeks like this. We work with women all over the planet and when we see patterns like this over the course of a week, it’s something to pay attention to.
Nina: Yeah, that’s a good way to put it. We’re seeing this as an invitation to take a deeper dive into what burnout actually is and how our Ambitious-Ish listeners can actually manage it.
Kelle: Yes. I’ve heard it said that burnout is the sum total of hundreds and thousands of tiny [00:38], each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice. I think this was Dr. Richard Gunderman.
Nina: Yeah. And a lot of books, articles and experts describe burnout as if it’s solely related to how much we work, and then they suggest if we take time off, we’ll soon bounce back.
Kelle: Yes. So not true. We work with women who work outside the home and inside their homes, who manage professionals, households and children alike, whose offices are in high rises and also in their cars.
Nina: Yeah. Burnout isn’t only about the hours you’re putting in. It’s also a function of the stories you tell yourself and how you approach what you do in the office, at home and both, so a little vacay isn’t the solution here.
Kelle: As much as we want it to be, it’s so true. One client, she’s a CFO, she reflected she would burn out if she worked at McDonald’s. It’s just her tendency.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, I can relate, because listen, burnout is a chronic feeling of exhaustion and stress. It’s on the rise, too. It was officially recognized as a diagnosable condition in 2019. And in 2020, over 70% of employees reported experiencing burnout at least once.
Kelle: Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to kick off a miniseries here for you on Ambitious-Ish, starting with a best of episode from a few months back. It’s about how to recognize burnout with a few alarm bells, and what the warning signs are.
Nina: Yes. Here is the replay of that best of episode and we’ll continue next week with more for you on what exactly burnout is and how to navigate it.
Kelle: It all starts with awareness, so we hope you’ll start to notice things differently with this episode.
Nina: It’s all a big part of being Ambitious-Ish. Alright, here you go, enjoy.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle Cobble: Did you know that women are more likely to burnout than men?
Nina Lynch: I can believe it.
We are the perfect women to talk to you about burnout today. You want me to go first, Kel?
Kelle Cobble: Let's do it.
Nina Lynch: Okay. There I was, maybe 18 years ago, sitting in my suit in front of a hassled exec for the fourth round of interviews for a PR job at Visa. He asked the textbook questions and then "tell me your weaknesses."
I'll be honest. I work really hard and have a tendency to overdo it. I burned out at my last job and I'm coming to you after taking some time off to kind of get my shit together.
Kelle Cobble:Wait, you have to give them some backstory here, Nina.
Nina Lynch: Oh, good call. So I was the PR manager for The North Face for five years and lost my sister in a car accident during that time.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, it was a lot. So in that interview, the exec asked a question I'll never forget. He goes, "So taking time off helped you get your shit together. What will you do differently here at Visa?" And I totally stumbled.
You see, while I felt recovered, having gotten away from the grind of my old job, the demanding stakeholders, the annoying commute, and also grieving my sister, it was really just me taking a much-needed deep breath. Kelle Cobble: The kind of deep breath you take before diving back into the pool.
Nina Lynch: Exactly. I realized in that moment, I was about to dive right back into my old ways of being. I didn't know how to not put my nose down and plow through. That wasn't going to change with time off or in a new job.
It wasn't about doing anything differently at first. It was about slowing my role and checking in. I had to ask myself, you know, what was I believing and thinking that made me overwork to let everything stress me out so much? What was I saying yes to? What was I saying no to? Was all of this serving me, my relationships, my health?
I didn't get the job at Visa, shocker. My suit and I landed at a PR agency called Fleischmann Hillard. On the Visa account, the irony, I took the elevator to work, pulled my chair up to the table, wore uncomfortable shoes, carried my BlackBerry in my right hand and a latte in my left. You can guess what happened next.
Kelle Cobble: We don't want to guess, Nina. Just tell us.
Nina Lynch: Well, just put it this way. I came to coaching to solve my own problems, to actually enjoy the life I worked so hard to create. I coach now because what I learned changed my life and I had to share it all with women just like you.
Kelle Cobble: I can totally relate. I was a queen of hustle. I worked hard at everything I did.
I had this unstoppable work ethic and I had no idea what rest even looked like. I mean, who rests anyway?
Nina Lynch: Only lazy people rest, right?
Kelle Cobble: That was my thinking. But underneath all that, I was mostly terrified of not having money. My family didn't have money growing up.
At one point, we were on food stamps. A fancy dinner out was hitting the local pizza place once a month. We camped at the beach for vacations.
Nina Lynch: These were not sunny, warm SoCal beaches though, right?
Kelle Cobble: No, we camped at freezing gray Washington State beaches. And I didn't have an awful childhood.
Looking back, it was actually pretty normal, but I definitely crafted a money scarcity story. From an early age, I promised myself I would never not have money and was determined to do whatever it took. As soon as I was old enough, I got a paper route. I collected bottles and cans back when they actually paid you to recycle them. I did odd jobs, babysitting, anything to make my own money.
Nina Lynch: Why don't they pay us to recycle anymore?
Kelle Cobble: I know. So silly. Okay. Fast forward to college. I got a degree in accounting so I could understand money. I became a CPA so I could know how to account for and take care of money.
And then I went into sales where I knew my overworking ways would be rewarded with big money and hefty commission checks. So the big checks came and the awards came and eventually so did the burnout.
Nina Lynch: Love hate with both of these stories. So let's do this. Before we dive in, let's clear up a few myths about burnout. How does that sound, Kel?
Kelle Cobble: Let's do that. Okay. One, burnout is obvious.
Nina Lynch: Calling BS here. Burnout clouds our self-awareness. It's the crash after we've been unknowingly running on empty for too long. We ignore the small signs because we can muscle through them, but they're really important alarm bells. Here are a few examples we borrowed from clients basically over the past week. You're on the edge of irritation all the time. You feel like you're running on fumes. It feels like Groundhog Day.Every day feels the same. It's kind of like that hamster wheel story. You're saying yes when you could say no. An actual sick day actually sounds kind of nice.
Kelle Cobble: Been there. You feel like you don't have choices, which is a big one for our clients and ourselves. Does any of this sound familiar?
Nina Lynch: Yeah. The whole excuses thing, needing an excuse to rest, it's so in my background. Okay, myth number two, addressing burnout isn't urgent if you're not a dumpster fire. So as long as we can put one foot in front of the other, we're all good, right?
Kelle Cobble: Calling BS again.
Nina Lynch: Because when we're in go mode all the time, we create a habit of busy that prevents reflection and rest. The stress builds and the more space it takes up in our nervous system, the less space we have for our work, our friends, our family, and the world around us. Burnout is a pileup of many, many self-betrayals.
Kelle Cobble: This really sings to me, what you just said. I'm just going to say it again, that burnout is a pileup of many, many self-betrayals. Mm-hmm.
Nina Lynch: Yeah. On to myth number three. Burnout looks the same on all of us. No, no, not true. There are different shades of burnout, and we all experience more or less of all of them. We call them the three Fs.
Kelle Cobble: The three Fs.
Nina Lynch: The first one is F it. You're just so done. Emotionally exhausted and depleted, you've got nothing to give. The second one is F them.
We've all been here, where you just have like zero empathy for colleagues and the humans around you.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, who cares?
Nina Lynch: Who cares, who cares? That's a nicer way to put it. You're disconnected and disengaged. And the third one is F me.
This one sucks, right? F me. You're thinking, what's wrong with me? Your sense of accomplishment's in the toilet. And it just feels like you can't do anything right.
Kelle Cobble: Uh-huh, okay. When you know how to prevent burnout, you're happier. You're a positive force in the world. You're better at being your favorite you. You're a better friend, a parent, caregiver, and role model. You achieve your goals faster, you feel confident in your ability to handle whatever life throws at you, and you genuinely like yourself.
Nina Lynch: We love this book called Big Feelings by Liz Fosslin and Molly West Duffy, and we've adapted some of their research on burnout here into these alarm bells.
So we'll link to this book in the show notes, but these are all warning signs that we're going to introduce to you that you might be headed towards burnout. Awareness is key in keeping burnout at bay, so let's take a closer look here.
Kelle Cobble: All right, let's get into the five burnout alarm bells. Burnout alarm bell number one, you are the queen of yes.
Nina Lynch: People pleasers, listen up.
Kelle Cobble: When you're being the queen of yes, you're overextended. This is one of the most common ways to become burnout, giving everything you do 120% and delivering it a day early.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, we show people what we're available for when we're the queen of yes. We are the one to pile it on and we'll take it with a smile. For a lot of people, this looks like overworking. We don't have to dive deep here.
You know what we're talking about. And Rockstar, you're not alone if you're working a lot.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, we overwork because we care, right? We're passionate. The people around us don't talk about it like it's a problem, but it definitely can be.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, our society favors busy, values it. We don't really question if someone has to work. We think, oh, that's so cool. You're so committed.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, it becomes a problem when we tell ourselves we're not burnt out because we love what we do. This must be just the cost of ambition. And that's where we call BS.
Nina Lynch: And that's where ambitious-ish comes from, questioning the cost of ambition. Yeah. It's often the most passionate, committed people who become burnt out. We can already hear what some listeners are going to come back to us with. “But Kelly and Nina, life is so busy. I have to work this hard. It won't get done or get done right if I don't do it. I don't have a choice.”
Kelle Cobble: This story is designed by your big, beautiful human brain to keep you safe and avoid discomfort. The discomfort of resting.
Nina Lynch: The frustration with your spouse, boredom with your kids, tedium of laundry, the presence of your own company, work becomes a safe distraction and a valid excuse.
Kelle Cobble: Totally.
So we create this habit of being busy that we practice on repeat, which makes us feel overwhelmed and exhausted. And then we eventually burn out.
Nina Lynch: Yeah. So today, try this. Practice what we call B minus work. If that concept makes you gasp, go for B or B plus, high achiever.
Anything less than perfection is where we want to go. Don't triple spellcheck, just hit send. Spend 20 minutes instead of an hour. Don't iron it. See what happens. The only one judging you is honestly you.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, I don't even think I own an iron, actually. All right, burnout alarm bell number two. When you realize, huh, I haven't peed all day. The body keeps score. We like to say this is a core value in our coaching practice and a big part of what we do with our clients. It's all a part of the concept we call protecting the asset.
We'll get into that in a sec.
Nina Lynch: Right. So have you ever worked until 3pm to realize you haven't eaten, had a sip of water, or gone to the bathroom all day? Just us. Hmm.
Kelle Cobble: When our body is tired, it needs rest.
When our body signals hunger, it needs fuel, y'all. Ignoring these signals and others on repeat causes physical harm. We know this.
Nina Lynch: But at some point in our lives, we were told to suck it up, walk it off, and push through. Just me? In our culture, we're praised most when we care for ourselves the least.
We feel guilty or selfish when we do things to benefit our own selves, our own health, happiness, and fulfillment.
Kelle Cobble: Rockstar, when you think about what's most important in your life, you need to be on top of that list.
Nina Lynch: When you don't think of yourself as important or important enough and take care of yourself that way, your health will reflect that. Chronic stress is junk food for the body and the body keeps score.
Kelle Cobble: That sounds awful. Chronic stress is junk food for the body.
Yeah.
Kelle Cobble: Okay, if you thought of yourself with more importance than you do right now, if you believed you were the asset, you'd be making sure your needs were met daily.
Nina Lynch: How might you show up for yourself? Manage your time? Make decisions? Invest in yourself?
Would you continue to put you off? This is what we mean by protecting the asset. Self-care like this doesn't start with what you do, it starts with how you think and what you believe.
Kelle Cobble: We're going to be talking about this so much more like this whole what you're thinking thing okay so just stay tuned on that all right let's go to burnout alarm bell number three flying coffee mugs we've all been there road rage workplace rage partner rage mom rage you lose control you can't keep your shit together you yell maybe drop an f-bomb or two or five or one of the coffee mugs you save for those moments like this. You know who you are and we love you.
Nina Lynch: We love you.
You know who you are. It happens and then it happens again. And when it happens regularly, when the emotional scale tips towards the negative more often than not, and you just don't feel like yourself, consider checking in. That emotional imbalance is our third burnout alarm bell.
Kelle Cobble: Emotional imbalance really is rampant but no fun. So how do you cope when things are difficult?
The difference between reacting to stress and overwhelm and responding to stress and overwhelm lies in your coping skills. How do you manage uncomfortable emotions?
Nina Lynch: This means when shit hits the fan, like anything from illness or death or even something smaller like traffic in the roundabout, you understand how to handle it. You recognize that you can't control the situation, right? But you can control your response. You can navigate the situation with grace and strength.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, to cope mentally and emotionally when life turns into a dumpster fire, is what we call resilience. So try this. Practice sitting with an uncomfortable emotion for at least 90 seconds. That's how long it takes for an emotion, especially a strong emotion, to flood your nervous system, peak, and then subside without reacting impulsively or doing something you'll regret later.
Nina Lynch: Ugh. Yeah.
And the key word here, right Kel, is practice. This takes a lot of practice, being with our uncomfortable emotions. So give yourself a break. So burnout alarm bell number four is F everything.
Kelle Cobble: Back to the Fs.
Nina Lynch: Back to the Fs.
To the F's. Why is it that when we do something well, we're like, nice work. But when we make a mistake, it's more like, why am I like this? I can't do anything right. I'm totally going to lose my job. I could have done so much more.
Of course I messed up. OMG, the world is ending. I suck.
Kelle Cobble: We're so hard on ourselves. It's almost impossible to stay motivated when we're constantly beating ourselves up for not doing enough or not doing good enough. After a while, thoughts like these make us feel incompetent and unproductive and we question why bother doing anything at all.
It's that F everything feeling.
Nina Lynch: We learn to motivate ourselves at a young age with criticism, right? And while this like, no pain, no gain mentality can get us through a quick 45 minute hiit class, you know, Peloton ride, it's not useful fuel in the long term. When you berate yourself on repeat, it starts to take a toll on your self-confidence too.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. It's tricky.
We fear if we relax or be kind to ourselves, we'll become complacent or indulgent, like a couch potato. We're here to tell you, not a chance. All the research says otherwise.
Nina Lynch: Cutting ourselves slack actually makes us more likely to improve. So try this.
Notice how you treat a friend when their purse is stolen out of the car, and then notice how you treat yourself when the same thing happens to you. What would you say to her? And then how do you talk to yourself?
Kelle Cobble: Mistakes and fails aren't the opposite of success. They're part of it. How will you support yourself along the way?
All right, Nina, do you want to introduce the last one?
Nina Lynch: Sure, here we go. Burnout alarm bell number five is lost joy. Do you celebrate your successes? Do you feel intentional and grounded when you say yes and when you say no? The fifth burnout alarm bell is all about lost joy.
Kelle Cobble: Ugh, we don't have to dive deep here, you get it. Are you thriving or are you just surviving? When we wreck ourselves with work, when we choose to shoulder so much, we tend to push our personal self-care and well-being to the back burner.
Nina Lynch: And we're not talking about vanity self-care here like Manny's and Petty's, which are lovely. You know, we actually like to neglect ourselves in a deeper way that takes a serious toll on our work, confidence, relationships, and health. We burn out.
Kelle Cobble: All right, unpopular opinion here. Taking time off and going on vacation won't fix things. Burnout isn't only about the hours you're putting in, it's also about the stories you're telling yourself about how you approach what you do in the office and at home.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, burnout is sneaky, it's not obvious. We're already in it deep and don't know it until we're completely fried. And while we hate being at our worst when we have to be at our best, it keeps happening.
We're just not ourselves.
Kelle Cobble: The whole point here with these alarm bells, for you to feel some relief knowing that what you're feeling has a name and that you're not alone. When we can name it, we have a better chance at getting the help we need and we can navigate it in a productive way.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, we are on a mission here to help smart driven women just like you get to the root of burnout and address it.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, we are.
Nina Lynch: To collectively support each other, to find balance and bring our meaningful work to the world so we can actually enjoy the life we worked so hard to create.
So if you're ready to put an end to your own special version of burnout Groundhog Day, there's another way to be, do, and have what you want in your life, we promise.
Kelle Cobble: We've been there with Groundhog Day. So we've created a burnout alarm bell study guide for you to do just that, to ramp up your self-awareness so that you're onto yourself when the highway signs start blinking, burnout ahead.
Nina Lynch: It's a summary of these alarm bells just for you in a simple downloadable PDF. So just go to https://www.kelleandnina.com/ forward slash burnout alarm bells guide. So let me just spell that out for you.
We'll link it in the show notes, but https://www.kelleandnina.com/burnout-alarm-bells-guide
Kelle Cobble: All right, that's it for today. See you next time.
Nina Lynch: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Kelle: Totally. It’s so interesting when we have weeks like this. We work with women all over the planet and when we see patterns like this over the course of a week, it’s something to pay attention to.
Nina: Yeah, that’s a good way to put it. We’re seeing this as an invitation to take a deeper dive into what burnout actually is and how our Ambitious-Ish listeners can actually manage it.
Kelle: Yes. I’ve heard it said that burnout is the sum total of hundreds and thousands of tiny [00:38], each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice. I think this was Dr. Richard Gunderman.
Nina: Yeah. And a lot of books, articles and experts describe burnout as if it’s solely related to how much we work, and then they suggest if we take time off, we’ll soon bounce back.
Kelle: Yes. So not true. We work with women who work outside the home and inside their homes, who manage professionals, households and children alike, whose offices are in high rises and also in their cars.
Nina: Yeah. Burnout isn’t only about the hours you’re putting in. It’s also a function of the stories you tell yourself and how you approach what you do in the office, at home and both, so a little vacay isn’t the solution here.
Kelle: As much as we want it to be, it’s so true. One client, she’s a CFO, she reflected she would burn out if she worked at McDonald’s. It’s just her tendency.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, I can relate, because listen, burnout is a chronic feeling of exhaustion and stress. It’s on the rise, too. It was officially recognized as a diagnosable condition in 2019. And in 2020, over 70% of employees reported experiencing burnout at least once.
Kelle: Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to kick off a miniseries here for you on Ambitious-Ish, starting with a best of episode from a few months back. It’s about how to recognize burnout with a few alarm bells, and what the warning signs are.
Nina: Yes. Here is the replay of that best of episode and we’ll continue next week with more for you on what exactly burnout is and how to navigate it.
Kelle: It all starts with awareness, so we hope you’ll start to notice things differently with this episode.
Nina: It’s all a big part of being Ambitious-Ish. Alright, here you go, enjoy.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle Cobble: Did you know that women are more likely to burnout than men?
Nina Lynch: I can believe it.
We are the perfect women to talk to you about burnout today. You want me to go first, Kel?
Kelle Cobble: Let's do it.
Nina Lynch: Okay. There I was, maybe 18 years ago, sitting in my suit in front of a hassled exec for the fourth round of interviews for a PR job at Visa. He asked the textbook questions and then "tell me your weaknesses."
I'll be honest. I work really hard and have a tendency to overdo it. I burned out at my last job and I'm coming to you after taking some time off to kind of get my shit together.
Kelle Cobble:Wait, you have to give them some backstory here, Nina.
Nina Lynch: Oh, good call. So I was the PR manager for The North Face for five years and lost my sister in a car accident during that time.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, it was a lot. So in that interview, the exec asked a question I'll never forget. He goes, "So taking time off helped you get your shit together. What will you do differently here at Visa?" And I totally stumbled.
You see, while I felt recovered, having gotten away from the grind of my old job, the demanding stakeholders, the annoying commute, and also grieving my sister, it was really just me taking a much-needed deep breath. Kelle Cobble: The kind of deep breath you take before diving back into the pool.
Nina Lynch: Exactly. I realized in that moment, I was about to dive right back into my old ways of being. I didn't know how to not put my nose down and plow through. That wasn't going to change with time off or in a new job.
It wasn't about doing anything differently at first. It was about slowing my role and checking in. I had to ask myself, you know, what was I believing and thinking that made me overwork to let everything stress me out so much? What was I saying yes to? What was I saying no to? Was all of this serving me, my relationships, my health?
I didn't get the job at Visa, shocker. My suit and I landed at a PR agency called Fleischmann Hillard. On the Visa account, the irony, I took the elevator to work, pulled my chair up to the table, wore uncomfortable shoes, carried my BlackBerry in my right hand and a latte in my left. You can guess what happened next.
Kelle Cobble: We don't want to guess, Nina. Just tell us.
Nina Lynch: Well, just put it this way. I came to coaching to solve my own problems, to actually enjoy the life I worked so hard to create. I coach now because what I learned changed my life and I had to share it all with women just like you.
Kelle Cobble: I can totally relate. I was a queen of hustle. I worked hard at everything I did.
I had this unstoppable work ethic and I had no idea what rest even looked like. I mean, who rests anyway?
Nina Lynch: Only lazy people rest, right?
Kelle Cobble: That was my thinking. But underneath all that, I was mostly terrified of not having money. My family didn't have money growing up.
At one point, we were on food stamps. A fancy dinner out was hitting the local pizza place once a month. We camped at the beach for vacations.
Nina Lynch: These were not sunny, warm SoCal beaches though, right?
Kelle Cobble: No, we camped at freezing gray Washington State beaches. And I didn't have an awful childhood.
Looking back, it was actually pretty normal, but I definitely crafted a money scarcity story. From an early age, I promised myself I would never not have money and was determined to do whatever it took. As soon as I was old enough, I got a paper route. I collected bottles and cans back when they actually paid you to recycle them. I did odd jobs, babysitting, anything to make my own money.
Nina Lynch: Why don't they pay us to recycle anymore?
Kelle Cobble: I know. So silly. Okay. Fast forward to college. I got a degree in accounting so I could understand money. I became a CPA so I could know how to account for and take care of money.
And then I went into sales where I knew my overworking ways would be rewarded with big money and hefty commission checks. So the big checks came and the awards came and eventually so did the burnout.
Nina Lynch: Love hate with both of these stories. So let's do this. Before we dive in, let's clear up a few myths about burnout. How does that sound, Kel?
Kelle Cobble: Let's do that. Okay. One, burnout is obvious.
Nina Lynch: Calling BS here. Burnout clouds our self-awareness. It's the crash after we've been unknowingly running on empty for too long. We ignore the small signs because we can muscle through them, but they're really important alarm bells. Here are a few examples we borrowed from clients basically over the past week. You're on the edge of irritation all the time. You feel like you're running on fumes. It feels like Groundhog Day.Every day feels the same. It's kind of like that hamster wheel story. You're saying yes when you could say no. An actual sick day actually sounds kind of nice.
Kelle Cobble: Been there. You feel like you don't have choices, which is a big one for our clients and ourselves. Does any of this sound familiar?
Nina Lynch: Yeah. The whole excuses thing, needing an excuse to rest, it's so in my background. Okay, myth number two, addressing burnout isn't urgent if you're not a dumpster fire. So as long as we can put one foot in front of the other, we're all good, right?
Kelle Cobble: Calling BS again.
Nina Lynch: Because when we're in go mode all the time, we create a habit of busy that prevents reflection and rest. The stress builds and the more space it takes up in our nervous system, the less space we have for our work, our friends, our family, and the world around us. Burnout is a pileup of many, many self-betrayals.
Kelle Cobble: This really sings to me, what you just said. I'm just going to say it again, that burnout is a pileup of many, many self-betrayals. Mm-hmm.
Nina Lynch: Yeah. On to myth number three. Burnout looks the same on all of us. No, no, not true. There are different shades of burnout, and we all experience more or less of all of them. We call them the three Fs.
Kelle Cobble: The three Fs.
Nina Lynch: The first one is F it. You're just so done. Emotionally exhausted and depleted, you've got nothing to give. The second one is F them.
We've all been here, where you just have like zero empathy for colleagues and the humans around you.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, who cares?
Nina Lynch: Who cares, who cares? That's a nicer way to put it. You're disconnected and disengaged. And the third one is F me.
This one sucks, right? F me. You're thinking, what's wrong with me? Your sense of accomplishment's in the toilet. And it just feels like you can't do anything right.
Kelle Cobble: Uh-huh, okay. When you know how to prevent burnout, you're happier. You're a positive force in the world. You're better at being your favorite you. You're a better friend, a parent, caregiver, and role model. You achieve your goals faster, you feel confident in your ability to handle whatever life throws at you, and you genuinely like yourself.
Nina Lynch: We love this book called Big Feelings by Liz Fosslin and Molly West Duffy, and we've adapted some of their research on burnout here into these alarm bells.
So we'll link to this book in the show notes, but these are all warning signs that we're going to introduce to you that you might be headed towards burnout. Awareness is key in keeping burnout at bay, so let's take a closer look here.
Kelle Cobble: All right, let's get into the five burnout alarm bells. Burnout alarm bell number one, you are the queen of yes.
Nina Lynch: People pleasers, listen up.
Kelle Cobble: When you're being the queen of yes, you're overextended. This is one of the most common ways to become burnout, giving everything you do 120% and delivering it a day early.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, we show people what we're available for when we're the queen of yes. We are the one to pile it on and we'll take it with a smile. For a lot of people, this looks like overworking. We don't have to dive deep here.
You know what we're talking about. And Rockstar, you're not alone if you're working a lot.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, we overwork because we care, right? We're passionate. The people around us don't talk about it like it's a problem, but it definitely can be.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, our society favors busy, values it. We don't really question if someone has to work. We think, oh, that's so cool. You're so committed.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, it becomes a problem when we tell ourselves we're not burnt out because we love what we do. This must be just the cost of ambition. And that's where we call BS.
Nina Lynch: And that's where ambitious-ish comes from, questioning the cost of ambition. Yeah. It's often the most passionate, committed people who become burnt out. We can already hear what some listeners are going to come back to us with. “But Kelly and Nina, life is so busy. I have to work this hard. It won't get done or get done right if I don't do it. I don't have a choice.”
Kelle Cobble: This story is designed by your big, beautiful human brain to keep you safe and avoid discomfort. The discomfort of resting.
Nina Lynch: The frustration with your spouse, boredom with your kids, tedium of laundry, the presence of your own company, work becomes a safe distraction and a valid excuse.
Kelle Cobble: Totally.
So we create this habit of being busy that we practice on repeat, which makes us feel overwhelmed and exhausted. And then we eventually burn out.
Nina Lynch: Yeah. So today, try this. Practice what we call B minus work. If that concept makes you gasp, go for B or B plus, high achiever.
Anything less than perfection is where we want to go. Don't triple spellcheck, just hit send. Spend 20 minutes instead of an hour. Don't iron it. See what happens. The only one judging you is honestly you.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, I don't even think I own an iron, actually. All right, burnout alarm bell number two. When you realize, huh, I haven't peed all day. The body keeps score. We like to say this is a core value in our coaching practice and a big part of what we do with our clients. It's all a part of the concept we call protecting the asset.
We'll get into that in a sec.
Nina Lynch: Right. So have you ever worked until 3pm to realize you haven't eaten, had a sip of water, or gone to the bathroom all day? Just us. Hmm.
Kelle Cobble: When our body is tired, it needs rest.
When our body signals hunger, it needs fuel, y'all. Ignoring these signals and others on repeat causes physical harm. We know this.
Nina Lynch: But at some point in our lives, we were told to suck it up, walk it off, and push through. Just me? In our culture, we're praised most when we care for ourselves the least.
We feel guilty or selfish when we do things to benefit our own selves, our own health, happiness, and fulfillment.
Kelle Cobble: Rockstar, when you think about what's most important in your life, you need to be on top of that list.
Nina Lynch: When you don't think of yourself as important or important enough and take care of yourself that way, your health will reflect that. Chronic stress is junk food for the body and the body keeps score.
Kelle Cobble: That sounds awful. Chronic stress is junk food for the body.
Yeah.
Kelle Cobble: Okay, if you thought of yourself with more importance than you do right now, if you believed you were the asset, you'd be making sure your needs were met daily.
Nina Lynch: How might you show up for yourself? Manage your time? Make decisions? Invest in yourself?
Would you continue to put you off? This is what we mean by protecting the asset. Self-care like this doesn't start with what you do, it starts with how you think and what you believe.
Kelle Cobble: We're going to be talking about this so much more like this whole what you're thinking thing okay so just stay tuned on that all right let's go to burnout alarm bell number three flying coffee mugs we've all been there road rage workplace rage partner rage mom rage you lose control you can't keep your shit together you yell maybe drop an f-bomb or two or five or one of the coffee mugs you save for those moments like this. You know who you are and we love you.
Nina Lynch: We love you.
You know who you are. It happens and then it happens again. And when it happens regularly, when the emotional scale tips towards the negative more often than not, and you just don't feel like yourself, consider checking in. That emotional imbalance is our third burnout alarm bell.
Kelle Cobble: Emotional imbalance really is rampant but no fun. So how do you cope when things are difficult?
The difference between reacting to stress and overwhelm and responding to stress and overwhelm lies in your coping skills. How do you manage uncomfortable emotions?
Nina Lynch: This means when shit hits the fan, like anything from illness or death or even something smaller like traffic in the roundabout, you understand how to handle it. You recognize that you can't control the situation, right? But you can control your response. You can navigate the situation with grace and strength.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, to cope mentally and emotionally when life turns into a dumpster fire, is what we call resilience. So try this. Practice sitting with an uncomfortable emotion for at least 90 seconds. That's how long it takes for an emotion, especially a strong emotion, to flood your nervous system, peak, and then subside without reacting impulsively or doing something you'll regret later.
Nina Lynch: Ugh. Yeah.
And the key word here, right Kel, is practice. This takes a lot of practice, being with our uncomfortable emotions. So give yourself a break. So burnout alarm bell number four is F everything.
Kelle Cobble: Back to the Fs.
Nina Lynch: Back to the Fs.
To the F's. Why is it that when we do something well, we're like, nice work. But when we make a mistake, it's more like, why am I like this? I can't do anything right. I'm totally going to lose my job. I could have done so much more.
Of course I messed up. OMG, the world is ending. I suck.
Kelle Cobble: We're so hard on ourselves. It's almost impossible to stay motivated when we're constantly beating ourselves up for not doing enough or not doing good enough. After a while, thoughts like these make us feel incompetent and unproductive and we question why bother doing anything at all.
It's that F everything feeling.
Nina Lynch: We learn to motivate ourselves at a young age with criticism, right? And while this like, no pain, no gain mentality can get us through a quick 45 minute hiit class, you know, Peloton ride, it's not useful fuel in the long term. When you berate yourself on repeat, it starts to take a toll on your self-confidence too.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. It's tricky.
We fear if we relax or be kind to ourselves, we'll become complacent or indulgent, like a couch potato. We're here to tell you, not a chance. All the research says otherwise.
Nina Lynch: Cutting ourselves slack actually makes us more likely to improve. So try this.
Notice how you treat a friend when their purse is stolen out of the car, and then notice how you treat yourself when the same thing happens to you. What would you say to her? And then how do you talk to yourself?
Kelle Cobble: Mistakes and fails aren't the opposite of success. They're part of it. How will you support yourself along the way?
All right, Nina, do you want to introduce the last one?
Nina Lynch: Sure, here we go. Burnout alarm bell number five is lost joy. Do you celebrate your successes? Do you feel intentional and grounded when you say yes and when you say no? The fifth burnout alarm bell is all about lost joy.
Kelle Cobble: Ugh, we don't have to dive deep here, you get it. Are you thriving or are you just surviving? When we wreck ourselves with work, when we choose to shoulder so much, we tend to push our personal self-care and well-being to the back burner.
Nina Lynch: And we're not talking about vanity self-care here like Manny's and Petty's, which are lovely. You know, we actually like to neglect ourselves in a deeper way that takes a serious toll on our work, confidence, relationships, and health. We burn out.
Kelle Cobble: All right, unpopular opinion here. Taking time off and going on vacation won't fix things. Burnout isn't only about the hours you're putting in, it's also about the stories you're telling yourself about how you approach what you do in the office and at home.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, burnout is sneaky, it's not obvious. We're already in it deep and don't know it until we're completely fried. And while we hate being at our worst when we have to be at our best, it keeps happening.
We're just not ourselves.
Kelle Cobble: The whole point here with these alarm bells, for you to feel some relief knowing that what you're feeling has a name and that you're not alone. When we can name it, we have a better chance at getting the help we need and we can navigate it in a productive way.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, we are on a mission here to help smart driven women just like you get to the root of burnout and address it.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, we are.
Nina Lynch: To collectively support each other, to find balance and bring our meaningful work to the world so we can actually enjoy the life we worked so hard to create.
So if you're ready to put an end to your own special version of burnout Groundhog Day, there's another way to be, do, and have what you want in your life, we promise.
Kelle Cobble: We've been there with Groundhog Day. So we've created a burnout alarm bell study guide for you to do just that, to ramp up your self-awareness so that you're onto yourself when the highway signs start blinking, burnout ahead.
Nina Lynch: It's a summary of these alarm bells just for you in a simple downloadable PDF. So just go to https://www.kelleandnina.com/ forward slash burnout alarm bells guide. So let me just spell that out for you.
We'll link it in the show notes, but https://www.kelleandnina.com/burnout-alarm-bells-guide
Kelle Cobble: All right, that's it for today. See you next time.
Nina Lynch: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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