30. Prevent Burnout by Completing Your Stress Cycle: Burnout Mini-Series Part 2
Do you ever feel like you're stuck in an endless loop of stress that's draining your energy and enthusiasm? What if we told you that stress comes in cycles, and completing what we call the stress cycle is actually half the battle in overcoming burnout and really enjoying the life you’ve worked so hard to create?
Too many of us women who are juggling career goals, family relationships, and every other aspect of the invisible load, we're constantly stressed and we're just trying to push through it. However, stress isn't something that you can just power through. All of our unchecked stress leads to burnout. Stress needs to be dealt with physically and mentally, and in this episode, you’ll learn how to do exactly that.
Tune in this week to discover exactly what the stress cycle is, why closing it is crucial, and learn actionable tips to help you hit the reset button by completing the activated stress response cycle when it’s all feeling like too much.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why completing the stress cycle is crucial for managing burnout and enjoying your life.
The difference between stress (your body's response) and stressors (external triggers).
How chronic stress can lead to burnout and negatively impact your physical and mental health.
Three reasons why we tend to get stuck in the stress cycle.
Actionable strategies to complete the activated stress cycle, including physical activity, connection, and deep breathing.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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29. 5 Burnout Warning Signs Every Ambitious Woman Should Know
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski
Full Episode Transcript:
Nina: Hey, Ambitious-Ish listeners, ever feel like you’re stuck in a never ending loop of stress and it’s draining your energy and enthusiasm? What if we told you that completing what we call the stress cycle is actually half the battle in overcoming burnout?
Kelle: This week on the podcast, we’re breaking down exactly what the stress cycle is, why closing it is crucial and how it can transform your approach to burnout.
Nina: Tune in to discover actionable tips to help you hit the reset button by completing the stress cycle so you can start to actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create.
Kelle: Alright, let’s get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, hey, welcome back to Ambitious-Ish. I’m Kelle. And welcome to part two of our mini-series all about burnout.
Nina: Hey, and I’m Nina. Today’s episode, oh, man, it’s going to hit home. I think we’ve all been there feeling like we’re doing everything, balancing work, relationships, ambitions and then one day, you just hit the wall, burnout city, right, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah. We have been there, done that, got the receipts. But the good news is, we’re diving into some tools and concepts today that can help us understand what’s really going on with that burnout feeling and what we can actually do about it. Nina, do you want to tell them what we’re digging into?
Nina: Yes. We are pulling from our coaching toolbox, our own experience and some of our favorite research on burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. They wrote a book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress cycle.
Kelle: I mean we all know about stress, we all feel it. But what if we told you that it’s not just about feeling it, it’s about how you process and complete the stress cycle that’s so key to getting out of burnout and actually enjoying the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: Yes, I mean when I read that, I was like, “Wait, what, there’s a cycle?” Because I think so many of us, especially women who are juggling career goals, family relationships, the invisible load, so to speak, we’re constantly stressed and we’re just trying to push through it.
Kelle: But that’s the thing and we talk about this a lot. Stress isn’t something that you can just power through. All of our unchecked stress leads to burnout.
Nina: We’ve all been there at home, at work, in your relationships. There’s a ton of stress and opportunity to get completely stressed out, and you don’t have to have a corner office to feel this way, seriously.
Kelle: Yeah, you lose control, can’t keep your shit together, you yell, maybe drop an F bomb, it happens, and then it happens again. And when it happens regularly, when the emotional scale tips towards the negative, more often than not, and you just don’t feel like yourself. Listen, consider checking in. All of this unchecked stress can lead to burnout.
Nina: Yeah. How do you cope when things are difficult? Just check in. The difference between reacting to and responding to stress and overwhelm lies in your coping skills, how you manage it physically and mentally.
Kelle: This means when the shit hits the fan, you can’t get service when you need it or the big client cancels or there’s literally no parking and you’re already running late. You understand how to handle it. You recognize that you can’t control the situation, but you can control your response. You can navigate the situation with grace and strength.
Nina: Yeah, we go so far as to say you choose how you want to handle it. You get to that point, your coping skills and self-awareness allow you to choose who you want to be in these challenging circumstances.
Kelle: Stress needs to be dealt with physically and mentally. And we can help you develop the skills to do just that.
Nina: Yeah, learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, to cope physically and mentally when life turns into a dumpster fire is what we call resilience.
Kelle: It’s about doing stress better and actually enjoying the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: But resilience can’t happen in burnout. Duh, we know this. When we’ve been unknowingly running on empty for too long we need to first shore up and show up from a more centered place to do this work. That’s where we begin with a lot of our clients.
Kelle: So, listen, burnout is stress gone unmanaged for too long, physically and mentally. And burnout is sneaky, it’s not obvious and it clouds our self-awareness. So how do we even know if we’re burned out? We talked about some warning signs last episode, it’s a good one, and it’s all about our burnout alarm bells.
Nina: That episode will wake you up to some serious awareness about your own tendencies under stress, and when stress turns into burnout, unwittingly. Awareness is the first step to any change process so, this is where we always begin. So definitely go back and check out that episode, it’s number 29 and start there.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s been said that burnout is the sum total of hundreds and thousands of tiny betrayals, a purpose, each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, burnout can often be explained by looking at the choices we’re making, usually on autopilot, on default, that are depleting us. These can be seen as tiny betrayals we don’t realize we’re making because it’s been so long since we checked in with ourselves to remember what’s really most important to us.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s so true. That’s where so many clients are when they coach with us, they’ve forgotten what’s really most important to them and so, we help them remember, and even redecide.
Nina: Okay, so let’s get super basic here though. What exactly is burnout? Burnout is a chronic feeling of exhaustion and stress, and it’s on the rise. Burnout was officially recognized as a diagnosable condition in the US in 2019. And in 2020, more than 70% of employees experienced burnout at least once. And it’s actually been reported that women and people of color are more likely to experience burnout than their white male counterparts.
Kelle: So interesting. And to add on to that, burnout is lost energy so you feel constantly overwhelmed and stressed and exhausted, and it feels like the demands of the job feel far greater than what you’re able to give.
Nina: And this can be even if you work from home or not outside of the home, it’s just the demands of your life feel greater than what you’re able to give.
Kelle: Okay. And it’s different from physical exhaustion or mental fatigue. So, some sample thoughts you might think are, I’m drained from my work. I’m wrecking myself with work. I’m everyone’s Yellow Pages and everyone needs something from me.
Nina: Oh my God.
Kelle: Right?
Nina: Yes. Oh my gosh, yes. So, burnout is also lost enthusiasm. The passion that you used to have for the job or your obligations has faded. Everything feels like a burden or a chore, do you know those days?
Kelle: Oh yeah.
Nina: I mean, rather than doing your best, you just kind of put in the bare minimum and your mindset is super cynical. It’s just like, I doubt my work really matters or they won’t care if I only put in 20%. That’s kind of where you go in burnout, yeah.
Kelle: Yeah, and that feels really sucky too, right?
Nina: Yes, for us high achievers, yes, it’s a terrible feeling.
Kelle: Yeah, okay. Another is burnout is lost confidence. So, there’s no energy and active involvement in your work and it’s hard to keep motivated. And so, the less effective you feel, the more you’ll have nagging doubts about your self-worth and your professional ability, what you’re capable of. And your feelings of competence and achievement in your work are kind of in the toilet, and you might even think thoughts like, I’m failing at my job or I’m a terrible mom.
Nina: Totally. Yeah. And burnout has many consequences for you, including number one, physical illness. Number two, it creates a really disempowered mindset that creates feelings of hopelessness, irritability, and impatience. Oh, my God, I can totally relate to this. Your relationships with your family and your co-workers suffer. In severe cases, burnout can negatively impact executive functioning, attention and memory. This is really burnout gone bad there.
Kelle: Totally. That’s why it’s so important to recognize the signs of burnout, which we talked about last episode. We’re redundant when it’s important, so check back on episode 29 if you haven’t.
Nina: Yeah. To recognize the signs of burnout and then manage it if you’re in it and prevent it in the future.
Kelle: Yes, because when we can name it, we can navigate it. That’s where we need to start.
Nina: So today, we’re going to focus on how to manage burnout if you’re in it. And that needs to happen both physically and mentally. When you can deal with stress, you can handle another day of stressors. Does that make sense? It sounds so simple. It’s just not easy.
Kelle: Totally. I mean, most of the time, we can’t control the things that are creating stress in our lives, but we can control how we think, how we feel and how we respond to them.
Nina: And that has to happen physically and mentally, it’s twofold, head down and body up so to speak.
Kelle: Yeah. Otherwise, we’re just kind of a head dragging a body around all day. We’ve got to get our body involved in what we call somatics. So, we do a lot of somatic work with our clients too, just getting them into their body, getting you into your body so that you’re not just in your head all day. Alright, so let’s start with talking about the difference between stress and your stressors.
Nina: Yeah, so here’s a story. I was talking to a friend of mine who’s a teacher. And while school just started back up here in Park City a few weeks ago, the stress is already high for teachers as they kind of settle in and get their students dialed in, all the things, back to school. She goes, “I’ve decided to start selling drugs so I can quit my job.” She’s joking, but at the same time she wasn’t. She’s a middle school teacher, and her burnout had reached an intensity that kind of reminded me of the Sunday scaries. She has the back to school scaries, the Sunday scaries, the back from vacation, from spring break scaries, all of them.
The level of dread she felt left her reaching for a glass of Chardonnay at 2:00pm. Now, no one wants to hear about their middle school teacher as a burned out, bitter and day drinking. No, she’s not alone, burnout, with its cynicism, sense of helplessness and emotional exhaustion, is ubiquitous. “The dread I feel is like anxiety on steroids, it’s insane,” she said. I think it comes from the accumulation, day after day of stress that never ends.
And what we need to point out here is with teaching or anything else in life, really, you can’t always get rid of the cause of the stress like the kids or the students here for example, and we don’t want to. The kids are at the end of the day, why this friend teaches. They’re why she’s there. In her words, it’s the administration and the paperwork crap, it’s likely a lot of things. So, what’s a middle school teacher to do here?
Kelle: Right. While she can’t get rid of those physical stressors all the time, she can get rid of the stress itself when she learns how to complete the stress response cycle.
Nina: She can deal with the stress so that she can handle another day of stressors and avoid burnout completely. Completing this cycle is so key when it comes to emotional and physical health too.
Kelle: Okay. So, what does this mean, completing the stress cycle? Let’s start with the difference between stress and stressors. So, stress we define as a physiological and emotional response, your body’s response to perceived danger. And stressors are the external causes like work and your relationships and all of the things that you have to do, the pressure that you put on yourself, the perfectionism and people pleasing and patriarchy, all the P’s and more.
Nina: Stress is a biological process, while stressors are the things that trigger it.
Kelle: Let’s hang here for a sec. We talked about nervous system 101 in episode nine, so check that out. But what happens in your body when you code something as stressful or threatening is sort of a cascade of neurological and hormonal activity that also kicks up other physiological changes in your body all to help you survive.
Nina: Okay, so nerd alert. We’re going to get a little sciency here for a second, just so you can understand what happens in your body when you’re stressed, and especially when you’re stressed on repeat. So, hang with us here. So, epinephrine acts to push blood into your muscles. Endorphins kick in which helps you ignore pain, among other things. Your heart beats faster, your blood pumps harder, your blood pressure increases and you breathe more quickly, your muscles tense, your sensitivity to pain diminishes. Your attention is alert and vigilant, focused on the short term here and now, thinking.
Kelle: Yeah, I just have to stop for a sec because that whole ignoring your pain is just something that we do as humans, it’s push through, right?
Nina: Yeah.
Kelle: Okay. So, what you’re talking about, your senses are heightened and your memory shifts to focus on what’s most important. Remember, you’re surviving, you’re in survival. And your other organs get deprioritized so your digestion slows down, your immune function shifts. The same with growth and tissue repair and reproductive functioning. Who needs that when you’re trying to survive?
Nina: Can you see how your entire body here and your brain change in response to a perceived threat?
Kelle: Now you’re ready to fight, flight or freeze or fawn. More on that later. Your body will choose one of these survival states. Again, check out episode nine for more here. And let’s say that your body chooses flight and you decide to run. You might outrun the threat, let’s say it’s a lion, for example, or you choose to fight and fight off the lion. Or even freeze, which is when your brain tells you it’s best to play dead here. You complete the stress cycle. You physically complete the cycle by running, fighting back and killing it or playing dead physiologically.
Nina: And you beat the lion, you’ve outrun it, beat it up, you’ve won, and your village is cheering you on. You might think that killing the lion or outrunning it is what completed the stress cycle, but that’s incorrect. It’s easy to think that. The elimination of the lion isn’t what completed the cycle, though. It’s your physical activity that moves the chemicals through your body and completes the stress cycle.
Kelle: So why does this matter today to you right now? We often think we have to deal with the stressor to deal with the stress itself, but that isn’t true. Say a lion is chasing you and in comes adrenaline, cortisol and glycogen and it’s modern day and you pull out the rifle and kill the lion.
Nina: It’s lying there dead. You’re safe. The threat is gone. But you still have all of the stress chemicals in your body, we call this stress juice.
Kelle: Yeah, that’s the really technical term. And yes, because you haven’t done anything for your body to recognize that it’s safe, it’s still in the middle of a stress response.
Nina: Yeah, you have to do something to signal to your body that you’re safe or else you’ll stay in the state with neurochemicals and hormones degrading, but never shifting into relaxation. Your digestion, immune system, cardiovascular system, musculoskeletal system, reproductive system, all of it, never get the signal they’re safe.
Kelle: This is what happens with your to-do list all the time. The list of to-do’s stresses you out, even though you’re really not in mortal danger, and your body shifts into a stress response. You complete the to-do’s thanks to adrenaline and other survival chemicals. And even when the list is complete, you’re still full of that stress juice and you carry it with you to the stressors the following day.
Nina: And this happens day after day after day. We aren’t built to live in this state. Our systems are all burdened and hurting.
Kelle: In our day and age, it’s the stress that’s more likely to harm us than the actual stressors.
Nina: While you’re managing the day’s stressors, your body is managing the day’s stress. And it’s essential to your wellbeing that you give your body the resources it needs to complete the stress response cycles that have been activated.
Kelle: Okay. But before we talk about how to do that, let’s just walk through three reasons why we tend to get struck.
Nina: There are actually quite a few reasons why we get stuck, but the three we see most with the women we work with are number one, chronic stressors that lead to chronic stress. So, when stress outpaces our capacity to process it, we get stuck in a stress response. So, with the big scary project at work or that public speaking event or that aggressive neighbor’s phone call or interviewing for a job, we go home, get a workout in, self high five. Only to wake up the next day faced with the same or more stressors and the cycle begins again, and we’re outpaced, we can’t keep up.
And listen, before we dive in here to number two, this happens a lot with our clients. They learn to complete the stress cycle with a workout alone and they don’t have other tools in their toolbox. So, when we can’t get a workout in for obvious reasons, timing or whatever, the stress builds up in their body. And so, this is really, really common when we rely on a workout alone to help us process all of the stress in our body over the course of weeks, months, years. Do you see what I’m saying Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, that rage builds up and there’s nowhere to put it.
Nina: Yeah, we’ll get into that in a minute. Keep going.
Kelle: Okay. A lot of time this happens because of number two, so social appropriateness. Can you relate to being raised as a good girl, to being nice and strong and polite and quiet? Fear and anger and other uncomfortable emotions can make other people feel uncomfortable. It’s not nice to feel these things in front of other people, right?
Nina: Yeah, we learn to smile and ignore our feelings because our feelings matter less than other people’s.
Kelle: And it’s also weak, according to our society, to feel these feelings, it’s weak. So, you’re a smart, strong woman when you’re walking down the street and a guy shouts, “Nice legs,” and you tell yourself to ignore it, that it’s irrational to feel angry or afraid. Meanwhile, your brain yells, gross, and makes you walk faster.
Nina: Just ignore it, your brain says, and you swallow back the adrenaline. You’re too strong to be affected by this, right?
Kelle: Yeah. And it’s not just that it’s not nice or weak, it’s that we’re taught it’s impolite. You need to make your point politely or else you won’t be taken seriously, right?
Nina: Totally. Okay, the third reason why we get stuck here. It’s safer. When it comes to harassment for example, sometimes walking away is the safest strategy. So, smiling and being nice, ignoring it and telling yourself it doesn’t matter, these are survival strategies, so use them with pride. Just don’t forget that these strategies don’t deal with the stress itself. They postpone your body’s need to complete the stress cycle, they don’t replace it.
Kelle: So many ways to deny or ignore your stress response. For all these reasons, most of us are walking around with decades of incomplete stress response cycles just simmering in there.
Nina: Oh my God. So how do we complete the cycle? That’s the magic question. And the Nagoski sisters in their book give us some really actionable steps and killer research.
Kelle: Okay. So, the number one thing, physical activity and no, you don’t have to go out and run a marathon, unless of course you’re into that.
Nina: It’s about moving your body in some way to signal that the stress cycle is over. That could be a 10 minute walk, stretching or even dancing around your living room. Kelle, you know what I’m talking about the dance party life.
Kelle: Totally. I’ve had some serious kitchen dance-offs with myself when I’m feeling stressed. I know it sounds silly, but it totally works and that’s because movement helps your body physically release the tension that’s been building up. It’s like saying, hey, body, we’re safe now, we can let this go.
Nina: Yeah, exactly. And the Nagoski sisters mention that connection is another way to complete the cycle. This can mean talking to a loved one, sharing how you’re feeling, or even getting a hug. Hugs, by the way, are scientifically proven to help you release stress, it’s that oxytocin, you all.
Kelle: Yes, okay, so, bring on the oxytocin, but for real, connection is huge. I know when I’m feeling burnout, having a real conversation with a friend or even a quick check in with my partner can make all the difference. It helps me release that emotional weight I’ve been carrying around.
Nina: Yeah, totally. Another big one the Nagoski sisters talk about is breathing. And I know we hear about deep breathing all the time, but there’s a reason for it. It works. Taking a few minutes to do deep belly breathing can signal to your nervous system that it’s time to calm down. It’s simple but powerful.
Kelle: Yeah, we all deal with stress, but most of us are just letting it build and build, and that’s where burnout comes in. We’re stuck in the middle of the cycle and we can’t get out.
Nina: Exactly. And let’s talk about why this is so relevant for ambitious women. We’re out here striving, we’re chasing goals, we’re trying to make things happen, and we’re told to push through the stress, but that’s not sustainable. If you don’t learn how to complete the stress response cycle, you’re headed straight for burnout.
Kelle: And listen, listen, there is nothing wrong with being ambitious, we love it. We’re here for all of it. But ambition doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your wellbeing, your wellness. Learning how to manage stress is part of taking care of yourself so that you can keep showing up for your dreams without burning out in the process.
Nina: Yes. So, ladies, what can you start doing today to complete the stress cycle? Let’s get real practical, maybe it’s taking a five minute walk when you’re feeling stressed or maybe it’s putting on your favorite song and dancing it out for a sec. Maybe it’s calling a friend or even just taking a moment to breathe. What do you think, Kel?
Kelle: Totally. Sometimes when we have a minute between clients, I just like to get up out of my chair and jump around and shake my arms and legs. So, for you listeners, it’s all about the baby steps. You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Start with one small thing. Maybe tomorrow when you’re feeling that tension creeping in, just stop and take a few deep breaths, or when you finish that work project, don’t just jump into the next thing. Take a minute to move and stretch and celebrate completing the cycle.
Nina: Celebrate that stress cycle completion. It’s all about being intentional and recognizing when you’re carrying that stress around because we’re all going to face stress, it’s unavoidable, but we don’t have to let it live in our bodies forever.
Kelle: So that’s the challenge for this week. What’s your stress cycle completion routine going to be? What’s the small thing that you can do to help your body release that stress? Find out what works for you and just stick with it for the week and see what happens.
Nina: And remember, you don’t have to be perfect. It’s about progress, not perfection here. Start small, give yourself the grace to figure it out. We’re all in this together, right?
Kelle: Absolutely. So, let’s keep chasing those dreams, but let’s do it in a way that doesn’t leave us burned out. Alright, thank you so much for tuning in today.
Nina: Yes, thank you. If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who’s on the hustle and might need to hear it too. We’ve got this ladies, ambition and balance, it’s all possible.
Kelle: Alright, we’ll catch you next time on Ambitious-Ish. Until then, take care of yourselves and remember, completing the stress cycle is self-care.
Nina: Yes. See you next time. Thanks all.
Kelle: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Kelle: This week on the podcast, we’re breaking down exactly what the stress cycle is, why closing it is crucial and how it can transform your approach to burnout.
Nina: Tune in to discover actionable tips to help you hit the reset button by completing the stress cycle so you can start to actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create.
Kelle: Alright, let’s get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, hey, welcome back to Ambitious-Ish. I’m Kelle. And welcome to part two of our mini-series all about burnout.
Nina: Hey, and I’m Nina. Today’s episode, oh, man, it’s going to hit home. I think we’ve all been there feeling like we’re doing everything, balancing work, relationships, ambitions and then one day, you just hit the wall, burnout city, right, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah. We have been there, done that, got the receipts. But the good news is, we’re diving into some tools and concepts today that can help us understand what’s really going on with that burnout feeling and what we can actually do about it. Nina, do you want to tell them what we’re digging into?
Nina: Yes. We are pulling from our coaching toolbox, our own experience and some of our favorite research on burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. They wrote a book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress cycle.
Kelle: I mean we all know about stress, we all feel it. But what if we told you that it’s not just about feeling it, it’s about how you process and complete the stress cycle that’s so key to getting out of burnout and actually enjoying the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: Yes, I mean when I read that, I was like, “Wait, what, there’s a cycle?” Because I think so many of us, especially women who are juggling career goals, family relationships, the invisible load, so to speak, we’re constantly stressed and we’re just trying to push through it.
Kelle: But that’s the thing and we talk about this a lot. Stress isn’t something that you can just power through. All of our unchecked stress leads to burnout.
Nina: We’ve all been there at home, at work, in your relationships. There’s a ton of stress and opportunity to get completely stressed out, and you don’t have to have a corner office to feel this way, seriously.
Kelle: Yeah, you lose control, can’t keep your shit together, you yell, maybe drop an F bomb, it happens, and then it happens again. And when it happens regularly, when the emotional scale tips towards the negative, more often than not, and you just don’t feel like yourself. Listen, consider checking in. All of this unchecked stress can lead to burnout.
Nina: Yeah. How do you cope when things are difficult? Just check in. The difference between reacting to and responding to stress and overwhelm lies in your coping skills, how you manage it physically and mentally.
Kelle: This means when the shit hits the fan, you can’t get service when you need it or the big client cancels or there’s literally no parking and you’re already running late. You understand how to handle it. You recognize that you can’t control the situation, but you can control your response. You can navigate the situation with grace and strength.
Nina: Yeah, we go so far as to say you choose how you want to handle it. You get to that point, your coping skills and self-awareness allow you to choose who you want to be in these challenging circumstances.
Kelle: Stress needs to be dealt with physically and mentally. And we can help you develop the skills to do just that.
Nina: Yeah, learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, to cope physically and mentally when life turns into a dumpster fire is what we call resilience.
Kelle: It’s about doing stress better and actually enjoying the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: But resilience can’t happen in burnout. Duh, we know this. When we’ve been unknowingly running on empty for too long we need to first shore up and show up from a more centered place to do this work. That’s where we begin with a lot of our clients.
Kelle: So, listen, burnout is stress gone unmanaged for too long, physically and mentally. And burnout is sneaky, it’s not obvious and it clouds our self-awareness. So how do we even know if we’re burned out? We talked about some warning signs last episode, it’s a good one, and it’s all about our burnout alarm bells.
Nina: That episode will wake you up to some serious awareness about your own tendencies under stress, and when stress turns into burnout, unwittingly. Awareness is the first step to any change process so, this is where we always begin. So definitely go back and check out that episode, it’s number 29 and start there.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s been said that burnout is the sum total of hundreds and thousands of tiny betrayals, a purpose, each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, burnout can often be explained by looking at the choices we’re making, usually on autopilot, on default, that are depleting us. These can be seen as tiny betrayals we don’t realize we’re making because it’s been so long since we checked in with ourselves to remember what’s really most important to us.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s so true. That’s where so many clients are when they coach with us, they’ve forgotten what’s really most important to them and so, we help them remember, and even redecide.
Nina: Okay, so let’s get super basic here though. What exactly is burnout? Burnout is a chronic feeling of exhaustion and stress, and it’s on the rise. Burnout was officially recognized as a diagnosable condition in the US in 2019. And in 2020, more than 70% of employees experienced burnout at least once. And it’s actually been reported that women and people of color are more likely to experience burnout than their white male counterparts.
Kelle: So interesting. And to add on to that, burnout is lost energy so you feel constantly overwhelmed and stressed and exhausted, and it feels like the demands of the job feel far greater than what you’re able to give.
Nina: And this can be even if you work from home or not outside of the home, it’s just the demands of your life feel greater than what you’re able to give.
Kelle: Okay. And it’s different from physical exhaustion or mental fatigue. So, some sample thoughts you might think are, I’m drained from my work. I’m wrecking myself with work. I’m everyone’s Yellow Pages and everyone needs something from me.
Nina: Oh my God.
Kelle: Right?
Nina: Yes. Oh my gosh, yes. So, burnout is also lost enthusiasm. The passion that you used to have for the job or your obligations has faded. Everything feels like a burden or a chore, do you know those days?
Kelle: Oh yeah.
Nina: I mean, rather than doing your best, you just kind of put in the bare minimum and your mindset is super cynical. It’s just like, I doubt my work really matters or they won’t care if I only put in 20%. That’s kind of where you go in burnout, yeah.
Kelle: Yeah, and that feels really sucky too, right?
Nina: Yes, for us high achievers, yes, it’s a terrible feeling.
Kelle: Yeah, okay. Another is burnout is lost confidence. So, there’s no energy and active involvement in your work and it’s hard to keep motivated. And so, the less effective you feel, the more you’ll have nagging doubts about your self-worth and your professional ability, what you’re capable of. And your feelings of competence and achievement in your work are kind of in the toilet, and you might even think thoughts like, I’m failing at my job or I’m a terrible mom.
Nina: Totally. Yeah. And burnout has many consequences for you, including number one, physical illness. Number two, it creates a really disempowered mindset that creates feelings of hopelessness, irritability, and impatience. Oh, my God, I can totally relate to this. Your relationships with your family and your co-workers suffer. In severe cases, burnout can negatively impact executive functioning, attention and memory. This is really burnout gone bad there.
Kelle: Totally. That’s why it’s so important to recognize the signs of burnout, which we talked about last episode. We’re redundant when it’s important, so check back on episode 29 if you haven’t.
Nina: Yeah. To recognize the signs of burnout and then manage it if you’re in it and prevent it in the future.
Kelle: Yes, because when we can name it, we can navigate it. That’s where we need to start.
Nina: So today, we’re going to focus on how to manage burnout if you’re in it. And that needs to happen both physically and mentally. When you can deal with stress, you can handle another day of stressors. Does that make sense? It sounds so simple. It’s just not easy.
Kelle: Totally. I mean, most of the time, we can’t control the things that are creating stress in our lives, but we can control how we think, how we feel and how we respond to them.
Nina: And that has to happen physically and mentally, it’s twofold, head down and body up so to speak.
Kelle: Yeah. Otherwise, we’re just kind of a head dragging a body around all day. We’ve got to get our body involved in what we call somatics. So, we do a lot of somatic work with our clients too, just getting them into their body, getting you into your body so that you’re not just in your head all day. Alright, so let’s start with talking about the difference between stress and your stressors.
Nina: Yeah, so here’s a story. I was talking to a friend of mine who’s a teacher. And while school just started back up here in Park City a few weeks ago, the stress is already high for teachers as they kind of settle in and get their students dialed in, all the things, back to school. She goes, “I’ve decided to start selling drugs so I can quit my job.” She’s joking, but at the same time she wasn’t. She’s a middle school teacher, and her burnout had reached an intensity that kind of reminded me of the Sunday scaries. She has the back to school scaries, the Sunday scaries, the back from vacation, from spring break scaries, all of them.
The level of dread she felt left her reaching for a glass of Chardonnay at 2:00pm. Now, no one wants to hear about their middle school teacher as a burned out, bitter and day drinking. No, she’s not alone, burnout, with its cynicism, sense of helplessness and emotional exhaustion, is ubiquitous. “The dread I feel is like anxiety on steroids, it’s insane,” she said. I think it comes from the accumulation, day after day of stress that never ends.
And what we need to point out here is with teaching or anything else in life, really, you can’t always get rid of the cause of the stress like the kids or the students here for example, and we don’t want to. The kids are at the end of the day, why this friend teaches. They’re why she’s there. In her words, it’s the administration and the paperwork crap, it’s likely a lot of things. So, what’s a middle school teacher to do here?
Kelle: Right. While she can’t get rid of those physical stressors all the time, she can get rid of the stress itself when she learns how to complete the stress response cycle.
Nina: She can deal with the stress so that she can handle another day of stressors and avoid burnout completely. Completing this cycle is so key when it comes to emotional and physical health too.
Kelle: Okay. So, what does this mean, completing the stress cycle? Let’s start with the difference between stress and stressors. So, stress we define as a physiological and emotional response, your body’s response to perceived danger. And stressors are the external causes like work and your relationships and all of the things that you have to do, the pressure that you put on yourself, the perfectionism and people pleasing and patriarchy, all the P’s and more.
Nina: Stress is a biological process, while stressors are the things that trigger it.
Kelle: Let’s hang here for a sec. We talked about nervous system 101 in episode nine, so check that out. But what happens in your body when you code something as stressful or threatening is sort of a cascade of neurological and hormonal activity that also kicks up other physiological changes in your body all to help you survive.
Nina: Okay, so nerd alert. We’re going to get a little sciency here for a second, just so you can understand what happens in your body when you’re stressed, and especially when you’re stressed on repeat. So, hang with us here. So, epinephrine acts to push blood into your muscles. Endorphins kick in which helps you ignore pain, among other things. Your heart beats faster, your blood pumps harder, your blood pressure increases and you breathe more quickly, your muscles tense, your sensitivity to pain diminishes. Your attention is alert and vigilant, focused on the short term here and now, thinking.
Kelle: Yeah, I just have to stop for a sec because that whole ignoring your pain is just something that we do as humans, it’s push through, right?
Nina: Yeah.
Kelle: Okay. So, what you’re talking about, your senses are heightened and your memory shifts to focus on what’s most important. Remember, you’re surviving, you’re in survival. And your other organs get deprioritized so your digestion slows down, your immune function shifts. The same with growth and tissue repair and reproductive functioning. Who needs that when you’re trying to survive?
Nina: Can you see how your entire body here and your brain change in response to a perceived threat?
Kelle: Now you’re ready to fight, flight or freeze or fawn. More on that later. Your body will choose one of these survival states. Again, check out episode nine for more here. And let’s say that your body chooses flight and you decide to run. You might outrun the threat, let’s say it’s a lion, for example, or you choose to fight and fight off the lion. Or even freeze, which is when your brain tells you it’s best to play dead here. You complete the stress cycle. You physically complete the cycle by running, fighting back and killing it or playing dead physiologically.
Nina: And you beat the lion, you’ve outrun it, beat it up, you’ve won, and your village is cheering you on. You might think that killing the lion or outrunning it is what completed the stress cycle, but that’s incorrect. It’s easy to think that. The elimination of the lion isn’t what completed the cycle, though. It’s your physical activity that moves the chemicals through your body and completes the stress cycle.
Kelle: So why does this matter today to you right now? We often think we have to deal with the stressor to deal with the stress itself, but that isn’t true. Say a lion is chasing you and in comes adrenaline, cortisol and glycogen and it’s modern day and you pull out the rifle and kill the lion.
Nina: It’s lying there dead. You’re safe. The threat is gone. But you still have all of the stress chemicals in your body, we call this stress juice.
Kelle: Yeah, that’s the really technical term. And yes, because you haven’t done anything for your body to recognize that it’s safe, it’s still in the middle of a stress response.
Nina: Yeah, you have to do something to signal to your body that you’re safe or else you’ll stay in the state with neurochemicals and hormones degrading, but never shifting into relaxation. Your digestion, immune system, cardiovascular system, musculoskeletal system, reproductive system, all of it, never get the signal they’re safe.
Kelle: This is what happens with your to-do list all the time. The list of to-do’s stresses you out, even though you’re really not in mortal danger, and your body shifts into a stress response. You complete the to-do’s thanks to adrenaline and other survival chemicals. And even when the list is complete, you’re still full of that stress juice and you carry it with you to the stressors the following day.
Nina: And this happens day after day after day. We aren’t built to live in this state. Our systems are all burdened and hurting.
Kelle: In our day and age, it’s the stress that’s more likely to harm us than the actual stressors.
Nina: While you’re managing the day’s stressors, your body is managing the day’s stress. And it’s essential to your wellbeing that you give your body the resources it needs to complete the stress response cycles that have been activated.
Kelle: Okay. But before we talk about how to do that, let’s just walk through three reasons why we tend to get struck.
Nina: There are actually quite a few reasons why we get stuck, but the three we see most with the women we work with are number one, chronic stressors that lead to chronic stress. So, when stress outpaces our capacity to process it, we get stuck in a stress response. So, with the big scary project at work or that public speaking event or that aggressive neighbor’s phone call or interviewing for a job, we go home, get a workout in, self high five. Only to wake up the next day faced with the same or more stressors and the cycle begins again, and we’re outpaced, we can’t keep up.
And listen, before we dive in here to number two, this happens a lot with our clients. They learn to complete the stress cycle with a workout alone and they don’t have other tools in their toolbox. So, when we can’t get a workout in for obvious reasons, timing or whatever, the stress builds up in their body. And so, this is really, really common when we rely on a workout alone to help us process all of the stress in our body over the course of weeks, months, years. Do you see what I’m saying Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, that rage builds up and there’s nowhere to put it.
Nina: Yeah, we’ll get into that in a minute. Keep going.
Kelle: Okay. A lot of time this happens because of number two, so social appropriateness. Can you relate to being raised as a good girl, to being nice and strong and polite and quiet? Fear and anger and other uncomfortable emotions can make other people feel uncomfortable. It’s not nice to feel these things in front of other people, right?
Nina: Yeah, we learn to smile and ignore our feelings because our feelings matter less than other people’s.
Kelle: And it’s also weak, according to our society, to feel these feelings, it’s weak. So, you’re a smart, strong woman when you’re walking down the street and a guy shouts, “Nice legs,” and you tell yourself to ignore it, that it’s irrational to feel angry or afraid. Meanwhile, your brain yells, gross, and makes you walk faster.
Nina: Just ignore it, your brain says, and you swallow back the adrenaline. You’re too strong to be affected by this, right?
Kelle: Yeah. And it’s not just that it’s not nice or weak, it’s that we’re taught it’s impolite. You need to make your point politely or else you won’t be taken seriously, right?
Nina: Totally. Okay, the third reason why we get stuck here. It’s safer. When it comes to harassment for example, sometimes walking away is the safest strategy. So, smiling and being nice, ignoring it and telling yourself it doesn’t matter, these are survival strategies, so use them with pride. Just don’t forget that these strategies don’t deal with the stress itself. They postpone your body’s need to complete the stress cycle, they don’t replace it.
Kelle: So many ways to deny or ignore your stress response. For all these reasons, most of us are walking around with decades of incomplete stress response cycles just simmering in there.
Nina: Oh my God. So how do we complete the cycle? That’s the magic question. And the Nagoski sisters in their book give us some really actionable steps and killer research.
Kelle: Okay. So, the number one thing, physical activity and no, you don’t have to go out and run a marathon, unless of course you’re into that.
Nina: It’s about moving your body in some way to signal that the stress cycle is over. That could be a 10 minute walk, stretching or even dancing around your living room. Kelle, you know what I’m talking about the dance party life.
Kelle: Totally. I’ve had some serious kitchen dance-offs with myself when I’m feeling stressed. I know it sounds silly, but it totally works and that’s because movement helps your body physically release the tension that’s been building up. It’s like saying, hey, body, we’re safe now, we can let this go.
Nina: Yeah, exactly. And the Nagoski sisters mention that connection is another way to complete the cycle. This can mean talking to a loved one, sharing how you’re feeling, or even getting a hug. Hugs, by the way, are scientifically proven to help you release stress, it’s that oxytocin, you all.
Kelle: Yes, okay, so, bring on the oxytocin, but for real, connection is huge. I know when I’m feeling burnout, having a real conversation with a friend or even a quick check in with my partner can make all the difference. It helps me release that emotional weight I’ve been carrying around.
Nina: Yeah, totally. Another big one the Nagoski sisters talk about is breathing. And I know we hear about deep breathing all the time, but there’s a reason for it. It works. Taking a few minutes to do deep belly breathing can signal to your nervous system that it’s time to calm down. It’s simple but powerful.
Kelle: Yeah, we all deal with stress, but most of us are just letting it build and build, and that’s where burnout comes in. We’re stuck in the middle of the cycle and we can’t get out.
Nina: Exactly. And let’s talk about why this is so relevant for ambitious women. We’re out here striving, we’re chasing goals, we’re trying to make things happen, and we’re told to push through the stress, but that’s not sustainable. If you don’t learn how to complete the stress response cycle, you’re headed straight for burnout.
Kelle: And listen, listen, there is nothing wrong with being ambitious, we love it. We’re here for all of it. But ambition doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your wellbeing, your wellness. Learning how to manage stress is part of taking care of yourself so that you can keep showing up for your dreams without burning out in the process.
Nina: Yes. So, ladies, what can you start doing today to complete the stress cycle? Let’s get real practical, maybe it’s taking a five minute walk when you’re feeling stressed or maybe it’s putting on your favorite song and dancing it out for a sec. Maybe it’s calling a friend or even just taking a moment to breathe. What do you think, Kel?
Kelle: Totally. Sometimes when we have a minute between clients, I just like to get up out of my chair and jump around and shake my arms and legs. So, for you listeners, it’s all about the baby steps. You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Start with one small thing. Maybe tomorrow when you’re feeling that tension creeping in, just stop and take a few deep breaths, or when you finish that work project, don’t just jump into the next thing. Take a minute to move and stretch and celebrate completing the cycle.
Nina: Celebrate that stress cycle completion. It’s all about being intentional and recognizing when you’re carrying that stress around because we’re all going to face stress, it’s unavoidable, but we don’t have to let it live in our bodies forever.
Kelle: So that’s the challenge for this week. What’s your stress cycle completion routine going to be? What’s the small thing that you can do to help your body release that stress? Find out what works for you and just stick with it for the week and see what happens.
Nina: And remember, you don’t have to be perfect. It’s about progress, not perfection here. Start small, give yourself the grace to figure it out. We’re all in this together, right?
Kelle: Absolutely. So, let’s keep chasing those dreams, but let’s do it in a way that doesn’t leave us burned out. Alright, thank you so much for tuning in today.
Nina: Yes, thank you. If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who’s on the hustle and might need to hear it too. We’ve got this ladies, ambition and balance, it’s all possible.
Kelle: Alright, we’ll catch you next time on Ambitious-Ish. Until then, take care of yourselves and remember, completing the stress cycle is self-care.
Nina: Yes. See you next time. Thanks all.
Kelle: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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