19. High Achievers… Stop People Pleasing!
What holds high-achievers like you back from taking risks, putting yourself out there, and getting what you really want? You don't want to be seen as too much or bragging, so you keep your amazingness tucked out of view, in an effort to please others. Well, this is people pleasing, and it's holding you back way more than you might think.
We can't please everyone all the time. When we believe we can and we try to please all the people, we neglect ourselves in a deeply painful way. You'll find yourself playing small to keep other people comfortable, unwittingly betraying yourself, denying yourself what you really want. So what can you do about it?
Tune in this week to discover everything you need to know about people pleasing, how it holds you back, and most importantly, how to break free. We discuss the root cause of your people pleasing, why people pleasing feels good in the moment, but how it stops you from showing up authentically and getting what you want out of life. You'll also learn how to stop people pleasing and get your own needs met.
Want more live access to us? Get on our email list where you can ask us questions, get coached, and be the first to know about trainings, events, and free coaching. Click here to sign up now!
If you want help feeling safe to rest and to start actually enjoying the life you've worked incredibly hard to create, schedule a free consultation with us!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why trying to please others leads to us neglecting our own needs.
How people pleasing is a survival instinct, and often a trauma response.
What people pleasing looks like in practice and how to identify when you’re people pleasing.
The root cause of your people-pleasing tendencies and why it makes sense that you're a people pleaser.
Why people pleasing feels amazing in the moment that you're doing it, but leads to overwhelm in the long term.
How to have compassion for your people-pleasing self while acting in alignment with your desires, wants, and dreams.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click here to follow, rate, and review the show. And if you love the show, don’t forget to share with someone you think will benefit!
If you want to shift out of disempowered thinking and feel more calm, balanced, and capable from the inside out, get our 5-step Empowered Mindset Guide here!
Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
Let us know what you think of the show so far and what you’d like to hear more of or less of over on Instagram!
Ep #13: How to Quieten Your Inner Critic and Show Yourself Compassion
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle Cobble: If you're here listening to Ambitious-Ish, and maybe even consider yourself Ambitious-Ish, you're starting to question things, right?
Nina Lynch: Maybe it's your yeses, your “obligations” and your have-to’s. Maybe it's your guilt, your shoulds. Maybe it's your tendency to go with the flow and just order what everyone else wants to order.
Kelle: Maybe it's the opinions other people have of you. Maybe it's the opinions you have of yourself. Maybe it's what you actually want and need and desire.
Nina: It's this fear of pissing off even one single person that holds high achievers back from taking risks, or putting themselves out there, or simply ordering the pizza they really want.
Kelle: It's also part of what keeps so many of our clients’ amazingness tucked away from view. After all, we don't want to be seen as “too much”. Or for people to think that we're bragging.
Nina: Okay, stop it. I'm starting to feel frazzled and sweaty. Today, we're talking about people pleasing; how it holds you back, and how to break free.
Kelle: Let's get going, quickly I guess, because Nina is over here sweating. This is Ambitious-Ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. Let me read one of our favorite quotes, Kell, to kick this off. It goes like this. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
Kelle: Ah, that's Dita Von Teese. And we just love this quote. Because, come on, we love peaches. And also, it's so true. If you telling yourself otherwise, you are lying to yourself.
Nina: We can't be everything to everyone, always.
Kelle: Yeah, and said differently, we can't please everyone all the time. And when we try, when we believe we can, we neglect ourselves in a deeply painful way.
Nina: Today, we're talking about people pleasing. When we're focused on pleasing other people, we're usually not making sure our own needs are being taken care of. We're not pleasing ourselves. We're playing small to keep other people comfortable. We're unwittingly betraying ourselves. Think about that for a sec. And we underline “unwittingly” here, right, Kell?
Kelle: Yes. Okay. People pleasing is a survival instinct, often a trauma response. It's something we learned, often a long time ago, when we were young, when we were wee, little ones to keep ourselves safe. If we put other people's wants, desires and happiness ahead of our own… If we could just keep others happy with us, we equate that external validation and approval with survival.
Nina: It makes total sense, right? We carry these learned behaviors, that kept us safe and alive as kids, into adulthood. I mean, look at how far it got us. And it works for us. Until it doesn't.
Kelle: Yeah. As adults, people pleasing no longer works for us because it keeps us from being real, from being who we really are, and what we actually want and desire for us in our lives.
Nina: Yeah, when we're living based on what other people want or want for us, living from other people's expectations of us, saying what other people want us to say, do what other people want us to do, and make decisions based on what other people want for us, well, it keeps us stuck. When we're trying to make other people happy we often sacrifice our own integrity, our own joy, and our own happiness.
Kelle: I spent, well, really most of my life before I found coaching people pleasing, and I still do it sometimes when I'm not paying attention. Growing up, I really wanted people to like me. I mean, I'm an identical twin. I was always known as “the nice one”, the more quiet one. I've said it before on the podcast, my twin sister and I are besties; her name is Crystal. We talk multiple times a day sometimes for hours. But growing up, our family would joke that we were living in the Crystal Morell Show; Morell is my maiden name. It was the Crystal Morell Show, starring Crystal Morell, my twin. And the rest of us, well, we were just the costars. So, people pleasing runs deep for me in particular. And it's been interesting unwinding that story for myself. Yeah, that's my story. What about you, Nina?
Nina: Oh my gosh, I think my people pleasing tendencies were my superpower when I worked in PR. Seriously, anyone listening, you with me? We're actually working with a handful of clients in PR now, and I know exactly why. I was so responsive, available and reliable to everyone all the time. I became really good at it, and I was rewarded for it. I won awards for being good at my job. I worked for North Face when I first started out in PR. I loved responding to media requests on behalf of this huge global brand. I loved getting people what they wanted. And they loved hearing from us. I love the product. I mean, I can still talk about three-layer Gore-Tex all day long. Or the benefits of 900 fill down versus 8 or 7, or even PrimaLoft. But I love that stuff. Nonetheless, what happened was I became sort of addicted to getting the media and my stakeholders what they needed on time, and always. Our athlete team started calling me in the PR office for their gear needs when they were filming up in Alaska with TGR, because I had that reputation. I got it done, on time, and kind of beautifully. I loved it. I loved getting everyone what they needed. Until it started to feel terrible. I was overworking my butt off. I was sick all the time. I was never in town; traveled all the time. The expectations I had of myself were unreasonable. Unreasonable. And then, life just… everything, became unmanageable. Queue the overwhelm and burnout, right? This is when my sister died in a car accident. I took a much needed step back from work for a while, because I was completely fried trying to be everything to everyone, always. I kind of lost myself. So, sidelining ourselves to be acceptable for others is the root cause of people pleasing. Not living into our own authenticity of who we really are and who we want to be.
Kelle: Ah, Nina, so good. All right, so let's talk about what people pleasing is; we can define it. And then, let's talk about what it looks like, so that you can recognize it in yourself and maybe in someone you know. So, people pleasing is when you put other people's wants and needs ahead of your own wants and needs, to try to gain approval from that other person or those other people.
Nina: Maybe it's that you feel guilty, or you feel like you should do it… those shoulds… so that they think you're nice, or appreciate you or like you, or at least so they keep you around so they don't abandon you.
Kelle: Yeah, you can people please on simple things, like where to go to dinner, or what to watch on TV. It can also look like having a glass of wine because your friend is drinking, even though you weren't going to have any alcohol tonight. You do it anyway, because your friend is doing it and you don't want them to feel awkward, or that they're drinking alone.
Nina: You can also people please on much bigger things, right? Like what you wear, where you went to school, what kind of work you do, where you live, and who you spend time with.
Kelle: Yeah, staying married for the kids, or because your family likes them.
Nina: It's really anytime you prioritize other people's preferences over your own. So, we wanted to ask a quick favor. If you know someone in your life that has people pleasing tendencies, if they prioritize others and sacrifice themselves, if they say yes when they really want to say no, forward them this episode; you can text it or email it. Someone did that for me, and the episode they sent changed my life. You can also share it in your social media and really make an impact there. We really want to help as many people as we can feel more empowered, and actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create. So, thank you so much, in advance. You have no idea the ripple effect that we can create here.
Kelle: Okay, back to people pleasing. When you people please, it can feel really, really good. You get this quick hit of feel good chemicals, oxytocin and dopamine. Because, of course, it makes you feel good to do something for someone else, to say yes, to make someone else happy. At least for a moment. The problem is you have to people please another person and then another, and keep it going so that you can keep those feel-good hormones going. It's not sustainable, and it's often not really what you want over time. On comes the resentment rash, the frustration, maybe annoyance, even anger, because you're ultimately not listening to yourself, to your own wants and needs.
Nina: Yeah, we may people pleased to seem easygoing, or nice or generous, to not make waves or avoid conflict. And what we see a lot is when you habitually please others, along with the resentment rash and other negative emotions, you can feel overwhelmed, because you're trying to take care of everyone else's wants and needs and not your own. Which ultimately leads to exhaustion or even just a ‘I'm so done’ feeling.
Kelle: Yeah, totally. And of course, we're not saying don't try to help other people. It's nice to be kind and thoughtful and caring, and do nice things for people, to take care of people, to be relaxed and easygoing when it works for you, to say yes when you want to. It becomes a problem when we sacrifice ourselves in the process, on repeat. Sacrificing ourselves. Putting aside our own wants and needs, not only does it not feel good, it's just not healthy.
Nina: Yeah, as your coaches… And if you're listening to this, you can absolutely consider us your coaches… we help you understand where you learned the behaviors keeping you stuck, and help you unwind those old, unhelpful thought patterns, stories and beliefs.
Kelle: We like to do this in a way that shows you how brilliant you are. Why it makes sense that you adopted these patterns, these ways of being, like people pleasing. How you were a complete genius to learn these survival strategies as a way to get your needs met. Often as a child, but it can really be any point in your life.
Nina: Yeah, it's not, “I wish I wouldn't have been like that.” Feeling regret or beating yourself up about adopting this way of being. No, we like to look at how it makes complete sense why you adopted this way of being. To look at how brilliant you were to learn this behavior that kept you safe during a challenging time way back. While also realizing that now, as a grown adult that can take care of yourself, this habit that worked for you for so long may no longer serve you. There might be another way.
Kelle: You are incredible. Remember that always. Okay, so let's talk about how people pleasing tendencies may be used as survival mechanisms. Nina, just kind of intro’d it. But if you grew up in a home where adults in your life were unpredictable, as a young person you could walk into the space, take the temperature of the people in the room and adjust accordingly. You may have done this to avoid conflict, to be seen as easy to deal with, to not be a “problem”.
Nina: And today, you may still have these people pleasing tendencies as a way to make sure you're seen in a certain kind of light, right? Or that you don't stand out too much in the “wrong way”. Like at work, where you take on more and more. You say yes to more work, even though you don't want to. Even when what you're being asked to do, well, it's not really what you were hired to do. But okay, sure, you do it to keep yourself from looking like a failure, or to appease your boss or the board, to be looked at as needed or essential, or even irreplaceable.
Kelle: We've seen this over and over with clients. It doesn't matter if they own their own business, if they’re C-suite, or doctors or lawyers or execs or writers or artists. They're complete rockstars. They're so brilliant. People pleasers especially, are reliable and dependable. They've risen to the top of their field, and it's worked for them to prioritize others over themselves; that whole “work hard” mentality so many of us have been accustomed to. And then, they get to a point where it just doesn't work anymore. It doesn't feel good. And you're no longer willing to sacrifice yourself, and what's really important to you, in the name of a new title, or more zeros in your bank account.
Nina: But they're worried, right? If they don't continue to say yes when they want to say no... If they don't continue to people please and put themselves last, they'll lose their edge, or the client, or the position and everything that comes along with it. Right? An example that's coming to mind is a real estate agent we worked with.
Kelle: Talk about some of the hardest working people that we know.
Nina: Totally, at least in our market the past couple of years, for sure. She was taking client calls at all hours of the day, into the evening. She had superhuman response times getting back to clients. Spending way more time than she wanted to with clients when they came to town. She also lived in a ski town; going skiing and to dinner with their clients. And even when she didn't necessarily want to, because she was worried about what might happen if she said no. If she let them know she actually had a life too.
Kelle: Yeah, they might think that she's not as dedicated, or that she's too busy for them. She might lose a client, or lose her status as a top broker. She had been known as super responsive and reliable and dependable. It took a while unwinding those thought patterns that kept her in her people pleasing ways. We helped her identify and change her unusable thoughts, and decide things like who her best clients were, or who she was willing to give her time to, and who she just wasn't. What boundaries to put in place, so that no matter what, she had some non-negotiables for herself to stay healthy. Making sure that she always had time for things that were important to her, like eating healthy and getting a workout in. And she had to be willing to feel uncomfortable emotions so that she could have tough conversations when clients were asking for things that felt unreasonable to her.
Nina: Yeah, that's the hard part. Right? It's feeling those uncomfortable feelings when you inconvenience other people. Alright, let's talk about some other signs of people pleasing. Here are a few examples; we've quite the list. First, holding back on who you are, who you really are, because you think people might not like you, and guessing that people will like you more. Conforming who you are so that you fit in with others. We call this “human pretzelling”. Playing small to keep other people comfortable. Not setting or holding boundaries, because even if you do, you may not follow through on them for fear of what the other person will think or do. Agreeing with others, even if what they stand for isn't what you stand for. Just to keep the peace, right? Apologizing when you didn't do anything. Another way to say this, is accepting the blame for things that aren't your fault. Feeling responsible for how others feel. And saying yes to things that don't bring you joy.
Kelle: Yeah, and worrying that if you say no to people, they might think that you're not nice or that you're selfish. Or doing things because you feel guilty, or because you think you should, or to gain approval. Or saying yes to things you don't like to do, or don't want to do, just to please others. Saying yes when you really want to say no. Not letting others know when your feelings are hurt. Caring about other people's opinions more than your own. Avoiding difficult conversations and potential conflict at all costs. And really identifying where you would do things differently if no one else's opinion mattered.
Nina: And listen, what we really want to get across here is, if this is resonating, if you're identifying with any part of this, it is not your fault. You're not broken. You don't need to be fixed. We just want you to check in on your reasons for saying what you're saying or doing, and then ask yourself, “Do I like my reasons? Do I like my why here?” If you like your reason why, it may not actually be people pleasing. If you don't like your reason why, it likely is people pleasing. Kelle: Our society, patriarchy and capitalism, has taught us women to be nice. Don't be selfish. That we need to be constantly working and producing and accomplishing at all times. And definitely, above all else, don't fail. To prove what a hard worker we are by outworking everyone else. Yes, we have clients that have actually said that, “I can outwork anyone.” And that used to be me, for sure.
Nina: Yeah, people pleasing manifests in so many ways. If you grew up in a household with busy adults, either parents or caregivers, with adults who had really high expectations of you, or even over controlling parents, parents dealing with abuse or addiction or other personal trauma, parents who were emotionally absent or not engaged, these can all lead you to work harder to gain their approval, to just keep their unpredictable behavior at bay, to keep yourself safe.
Kelle: Yeah, people pleasing can also be an intergenerational pattern. If your parents or caregiver people pleased or taught you to people please others above yourself, you being the genius you are, learned that behavior that was modeled for you, or was taught to you, because you didn’t want to disappoint them or make them unhappy. So, you learn to people please to try to make them happy.
Nina: Right, because when you rely on someone else, when you're codependent with a parent, a caregiver, or even a spouse or partner, you want to make them happy. You don't want to disappoint them. So, you learn to put their needs ahead of your own.
Kelle: Yeah, remember, a core fear for us humans is to be kicked out of the tribe, to not be accepted. We're herd animals and we want to belong.
Nina: That's why it feels so scary to speak up, to voice our wants and needs, to say yes when we really want to say no; for fear that people aren't going to like it or us.
Kelle: Yeah, we know you know this on some level, that you're allowed to want things. We buy things like groceries or sweaters when it's cold. We choose restaurants and vacation locations, right? We want things all the time. But if you've ever felt like whatever you want in your life is too much or not possible, or like a burden for asking, or if you’ve given up on getting something you want because it felt too hard, then we're here to remind you, you are allowed to want things.
Nina: We live in a colonized patriarchal society that includes so many messages about what women should want, or what is okay to want and what isn't.
Kelle: Yeah. If you feel like you aren't allowed to want things, like it's okay to want some things but not others, you're not alone.
Nina: Sometimes we've denied what we want for so long, we don't even know what that looks like anymore. This is where so many of our ambitious clients meet us. Right, Kell? There are so many different root causes to people pleasing. We've programmed our thoughts and our beliefs long before we ever had the opportunity to think for ourselves, to really be aware of it.
Kelle: Yeah, this can happen with your spouse or partner too. If you're in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, or if you rely on them, so you gave up your career to stay at home and raise the kids. Or at least didn't take the higher paying job with more responsibility, because you wanted to be more present with your family, and you rely on your partner's income, it might be scary to say what you want. You might feel that you have less worth and less say, and less ability to voice your own needs. And yeah, I totally identify with this. For me, when I was a stay-at-home mom, before I realized that that was just not my thing, I wouldn't want to ask if I could go on a trip with my girlfriends because I assumed my husband wasn't going to like it, that it was going to inconvenience him. I would wait for the right time to ask him because I didn't want to put him in a bad mood. I would do all kinds of things I thought a good wife did, because that was my job at the time. I would try to keep the house clean and cook a good meal that everyone liked. I was trying to be something and someone that I just wasn't and it felt awful.
Nina: Yeah, I can relate here. It's already taking it a step further. I was literally afraid to leave town when my kids were young. There was just a lot of dysfunctional behavior in my marriage, and I felt like I had to be there and be in charge; my leaving would be too inconvenient. So, I get what you're saying about the inconvenience, right? Well, I just felt like everything would fall apart if I left. I really didn't feel safe doing that. And what happened was I just perpetuated the dysfunctional behavior by believing that I could control it. Which was a lie; to control other humans. Which is basically what people pleasing is, it's a lie. I played small and quiet to keep myself safe and make other people feel comfortable. I thought I'd emasculate if I was really who I was. Do you know what I mean, Kell? Yeah, like if I was too strong and opinionated, I thought I'd be emasculating. Can anyone else relate? But listen, we can't control someone else's thoughts, feelings or behavior. And when I stopped playing small and betraying myself, when I finally stood up for myself, and said enough is enough, well, it was very inconvenient for the people around me. And that's where I am, now learning to create safety for myself.
Kelle: Inconveniencing other people with your truths, right? It's a tradeoff. Yes, totally. When your desire for approval and validation are stronger than your desire to do what you want, it can be really challenging to speak up for yourself. And for some, you may have done this so long, you haven't even considered yourself in this way for so long. And you don't even know what you want or need. So, we know a lot of moms that have done this, right?
Nina: Yeah, again, we don't want you to stop helping people. That's not it at all. I mean, we are literally in the business of helping people, literally.
Kelle: We also don't want you to beat yourself up for having people pleasing tendencies. Remember, you were an absolute genius to adopt these coping strategies, and it made total sense you did this as a way to protect yourself.
Nina: What we want for you is to be aware of your own wants and needs, and to ensure that you're in alignment with what you want for your life, your desires, your dreams.
Kelle: Yeah, exclamation point. Okay, so if you're not sure when you're people pleasing and when you're not, ask yourself, “Does what I'm doing feel authentic and true to myself? Or does it feel like I'm sacrificing myself for the sake of others?” Like Nina said, does it feel like a lie?
Nina: Am I choosing to help someone else and abandon myself in the process? Am I doing this because that's what I think I should do as a “good” boss, wife, daughter, friend? Or am I doing it because I actually want to?
Kelle: Yeah, these are just good questions to check in and to gain awareness on if you're actually people pleasing or not.
Nina: And listen, when we start to break our own rules, the unwritten rules we've set for ourselves to create safety in our bodies and in our lives, we have to do it gently and carefully. Becoming aware of your tendency to shrink back in the boardroom, and keep your opinions from your male counterparts in the room, is where we begin. This makes a lot of sense. We help you make sense of it, I should say. As your coaches, we can show you how and why that makes complete sense. When we help you see where you learned to behave that way and why. And when we can appreciate that part of you, accept her completely, and even thank her for keeping you safe this way as long as she has…
Kelle: Then we decide together to take gentle, kind action in another direction. This is where that self-compassion comes in that we talked about in Episode 13. So, go back and listen to it for a 101.
Nina: Your Inner Mean Girl is going to chime in with volume when you try to show up differently in your life. This is underlined. We cannot be more emphatic about this. It doesn't mean anything's gone wrong. It's just that when you make changes that challenge your old ways of keeping yourself safe, when you begin to stop people pleasing...
Kelle: Yeah, that's totally normal. We talk about this a lot. Your brain does not want to change. It seeks comfort, safety and pleasure; change equals danger.
Nina: So, to gently start taking different actions in your life, to slowly peel away from that people pleasing tendency, we have this really cool tool. Really, a saying we offer clients to check in and help them start to move towards alignment.
Kelle: Are you ready? It's, “Me first, you second, with love.” So, it's not being selfish.
Nina: And it's not saying “screw you and your needs” to other people in your life. “Hey, I'm going to make sure I take care of myself first, so that I can fill my own cup, meet my own needs, and be authentic to who I am.”
Kelle: “Then, and only then, I'll be able to serve the people in my life in a way that I want to. In a healthy…
Nina: “Way.” More love, way less resentment rash.
Kelle: It’s going to feel really uncomfortable when you start to inconvenience other people, when you start to break this pattern for yourself.
Nina: That's why working with a coach, coaches like us, can be really helpful. We can help you do this work and feel safe along the way.
Kelle: Just a reminder, bullying yourself feels terrible. That's why it doesn't work. Loving yourself, will. Being good to yourself totally works.
Nina: Yeah. So, it's that “Me first, you second, with love.” Try this out. Give it a shot. And then shoot us an email and let us know how it's working for you. As with anything you do, practice with different people and in different situations. Practice makes progress.
Kelle: Totally. And I like to say, “Practice makes practice.” We're always practicing this stuff. And it's going to take practice, especially if you've been people pleasing for a really long time; you've been practicing that people pleasing behavior. It's going to take some time. And remember, that every change process starts with what?
Nina: Awareness.
Kelle: You have to notice that you're doing the thing that you want to change. When do you find yourself people pleasing? In what situations and with who? Who do you tend to people please? What are your thoughts about that person? And about yourself?
Nina: That's a good place to end, with all of those questions. Okay. So, that's all for today. Thanks for being here. We love hearing from you. So keep the feedback coming. DM us on Instagram, reach out on LinkedIn, or hit “Reply” on any of our emails, if you're on our email list.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks again all. Talk soon.
Nina: Everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we'll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly, free email coaching when you're on our list. You're the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities. Just go to KelleandNina.com to sign up.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit www.KelleandNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina Lynch: Maybe it's your yeses, your “obligations” and your have-to’s. Maybe it's your guilt, your shoulds. Maybe it's your tendency to go with the flow and just order what everyone else wants to order.
Kelle: Maybe it's the opinions other people have of you. Maybe it's the opinions you have of yourself. Maybe it's what you actually want and need and desire.
Nina: It's this fear of pissing off even one single person that holds high achievers back from taking risks, or putting themselves out there, or simply ordering the pizza they really want.
Kelle: It's also part of what keeps so many of our clients’ amazingness tucked away from view. After all, we don't want to be seen as “too much”. Or for people to think that we're bragging.
Nina: Okay, stop it. I'm starting to feel frazzled and sweaty. Today, we're talking about people pleasing; how it holds you back, and how to break free.
Kelle: Let's get going, quickly I guess, because Nina is over here sweating. This is Ambitious-Ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. Let me read one of our favorite quotes, Kell, to kick this off. It goes like this. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
Kelle: Ah, that's Dita Von Teese. And we just love this quote. Because, come on, we love peaches. And also, it's so true. If you telling yourself otherwise, you are lying to yourself.
Nina: We can't be everything to everyone, always.
Kelle: Yeah, and said differently, we can't please everyone all the time. And when we try, when we believe we can, we neglect ourselves in a deeply painful way.
Nina: Today, we're talking about people pleasing. When we're focused on pleasing other people, we're usually not making sure our own needs are being taken care of. We're not pleasing ourselves. We're playing small to keep other people comfortable. We're unwittingly betraying ourselves. Think about that for a sec. And we underline “unwittingly” here, right, Kell?
Kelle: Yes. Okay. People pleasing is a survival instinct, often a trauma response. It's something we learned, often a long time ago, when we were young, when we were wee, little ones to keep ourselves safe. If we put other people's wants, desires and happiness ahead of our own… If we could just keep others happy with us, we equate that external validation and approval with survival.
Nina: It makes total sense, right? We carry these learned behaviors, that kept us safe and alive as kids, into adulthood. I mean, look at how far it got us. And it works for us. Until it doesn't.
Kelle: Yeah. As adults, people pleasing no longer works for us because it keeps us from being real, from being who we really are, and what we actually want and desire for us in our lives.
Nina: Yeah, when we're living based on what other people want or want for us, living from other people's expectations of us, saying what other people want us to say, do what other people want us to do, and make decisions based on what other people want for us, well, it keeps us stuck. When we're trying to make other people happy we often sacrifice our own integrity, our own joy, and our own happiness.
Kelle: I spent, well, really most of my life before I found coaching people pleasing, and I still do it sometimes when I'm not paying attention. Growing up, I really wanted people to like me. I mean, I'm an identical twin. I was always known as “the nice one”, the more quiet one. I've said it before on the podcast, my twin sister and I are besties; her name is Crystal. We talk multiple times a day sometimes for hours. But growing up, our family would joke that we were living in the Crystal Morell Show; Morell is my maiden name. It was the Crystal Morell Show, starring Crystal Morell, my twin. And the rest of us, well, we were just the costars. So, people pleasing runs deep for me in particular. And it's been interesting unwinding that story for myself. Yeah, that's my story. What about you, Nina?
Nina: Oh my gosh, I think my people pleasing tendencies were my superpower when I worked in PR. Seriously, anyone listening, you with me? We're actually working with a handful of clients in PR now, and I know exactly why. I was so responsive, available and reliable to everyone all the time. I became really good at it, and I was rewarded for it. I won awards for being good at my job. I worked for North Face when I first started out in PR. I loved responding to media requests on behalf of this huge global brand. I loved getting people what they wanted. And they loved hearing from us. I love the product. I mean, I can still talk about three-layer Gore-Tex all day long. Or the benefits of 900 fill down versus 8 or 7, or even PrimaLoft. But I love that stuff. Nonetheless, what happened was I became sort of addicted to getting the media and my stakeholders what they needed on time, and always. Our athlete team started calling me in the PR office for their gear needs when they were filming up in Alaska with TGR, because I had that reputation. I got it done, on time, and kind of beautifully. I loved it. I loved getting everyone what they needed. Until it started to feel terrible. I was overworking my butt off. I was sick all the time. I was never in town; traveled all the time. The expectations I had of myself were unreasonable. Unreasonable. And then, life just… everything, became unmanageable. Queue the overwhelm and burnout, right? This is when my sister died in a car accident. I took a much needed step back from work for a while, because I was completely fried trying to be everything to everyone, always. I kind of lost myself. So, sidelining ourselves to be acceptable for others is the root cause of people pleasing. Not living into our own authenticity of who we really are and who we want to be.
Kelle: Ah, Nina, so good. All right, so let's talk about what people pleasing is; we can define it. And then, let's talk about what it looks like, so that you can recognize it in yourself and maybe in someone you know. So, people pleasing is when you put other people's wants and needs ahead of your own wants and needs, to try to gain approval from that other person or those other people.
Nina: Maybe it's that you feel guilty, or you feel like you should do it… those shoulds… so that they think you're nice, or appreciate you or like you, or at least so they keep you around so they don't abandon you.
Kelle: Yeah, you can people please on simple things, like where to go to dinner, or what to watch on TV. It can also look like having a glass of wine because your friend is drinking, even though you weren't going to have any alcohol tonight. You do it anyway, because your friend is doing it and you don't want them to feel awkward, or that they're drinking alone.
Nina: You can also people please on much bigger things, right? Like what you wear, where you went to school, what kind of work you do, where you live, and who you spend time with.
Kelle: Yeah, staying married for the kids, or because your family likes them.
Nina: It's really anytime you prioritize other people's preferences over your own. So, we wanted to ask a quick favor. If you know someone in your life that has people pleasing tendencies, if they prioritize others and sacrifice themselves, if they say yes when they really want to say no, forward them this episode; you can text it or email it. Someone did that for me, and the episode they sent changed my life. You can also share it in your social media and really make an impact there. We really want to help as many people as we can feel more empowered, and actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create. So, thank you so much, in advance. You have no idea the ripple effect that we can create here.
Kelle: Okay, back to people pleasing. When you people please, it can feel really, really good. You get this quick hit of feel good chemicals, oxytocin and dopamine. Because, of course, it makes you feel good to do something for someone else, to say yes, to make someone else happy. At least for a moment. The problem is you have to people please another person and then another, and keep it going so that you can keep those feel-good hormones going. It's not sustainable, and it's often not really what you want over time. On comes the resentment rash, the frustration, maybe annoyance, even anger, because you're ultimately not listening to yourself, to your own wants and needs.
Nina: Yeah, we may people pleased to seem easygoing, or nice or generous, to not make waves or avoid conflict. And what we see a lot is when you habitually please others, along with the resentment rash and other negative emotions, you can feel overwhelmed, because you're trying to take care of everyone else's wants and needs and not your own. Which ultimately leads to exhaustion or even just a ‘I'm so done’ feeling.
Kelle: Yeah, totally. And of course, we're not saying don't try to help other people. It's nice to be kind and thoughtful and caring, and do nice things for people, to take care of people, to be relaxed and easygoing when it works for you, to say yes when you want to. It becomes a problem when we sacrifice ourselves in the process, on repeat. Sacrificing ourselves. Putting aside our own wants and needs, not only does it not feel good, it's just not healthy.
Nina: Yeah, as your coaches… And if you're listening to this, you can absolutely consider us your coaches… we help you understand where you learned the behaviors keeping you stuck, and help you unwind those old, unhelpful thought patterns, stories and beliefs.
Kelle: We like to do this in a way that shows you how brilliant you are. Why it makes sense that you adopted these patterns, these ways of being, like people pleasing. How you were a complete genius to learn these survival strategies as a way to get your needs met. Often as a child, but it can really be any point in your life.
Nina: Yeah, it's not, “I wish I wouldn't have been like that.” Feeling regret or beating yourself up about adopting this way of being. No, we like to look at how it makes complete sense why you adopted this way of being. To look at how brilliant you were to learn this behavior that kept you safe during a challenging time way back. While also realizing that now, as a grown adult that can take care of yourself, this habit that worked for you for so long may no longer serve you. There might be another way.
Kelle: You are incredible. Remember that always. Okay, so let's talk about how people pleasing tendencies may be used as survival mechanisms. Nina, just kind of intro’d it. But if you grew up in a home where adults in your life were unpredictable, as a young person you could walk into the space, take the temperature of the people in the room and adjust accordingly. You may have done this to avoid conflict, to be seen as easy to deal with, to not be a “problem”.
Nina: And today, you may still have these people pleasing tendencies as a way to make sure you're seen in a certain kind of light, right? Or that you don't stand out too much in the “wrong way”. Like at work, where you take on more and more. You say yes to more work, even though you don't want to. Even when what you're being asked to do, well, it's not really what you were hired to do. But okay, sure, you do it to keep yourself from looking like a failure, or to appease your boss or the board, to be looked at as needed or essential, or even irreplaceable.
Kelle: We've seen this over and over with clients. It doesn't matter if they own their own business, if they’re C-suite, or doctors or lawyers or execs or writers or artists. They're complete rockstars. They're so brilliant. People pleasers especially, are reliable and dependable. They've risen to the top of their field, and it's worked for them to prioritize others over themselves; that whole “work hard” mentality so many of us have been accustomed to. And then, they get to a point where it just doesn't work anymore. It doesn't feel good. And you're no longer willing to sacrifice yourself, and what's really important to you, in the name of a new title, or more zeros in your bank account.
Nina: But they're worried, right? If they don't continue to say yes when they want to say no... If they don't continue to people please and put themselves last, they'll lose their edge, or the client, or the position and everything that comes along with it. Right? An example that's coming to mind is a real estate agent we worked with.
Kelle: Talk about some of the hardest working people that we know.
Nina: Totally, at least in our market the past couple of years, for sure. She was taking client calls at all hours of the day, into the evening. She had superhuman response times getting back to clients. Spending way more time than she wanted to with clients when they came to town. She also lived in a ski town; going skiing and to dinner with their clients. And even when she didn't necessarily want to, because she was worried about what might happen if she said no. If she let them know she actually had a life too.
Kelle: Yeah, they might think that she's not as dedicated, or that she's too busy for them. She might lose a client, or lose her status as a top broker. She had been known as super responsive and reliable and dependable. It took a while unwinding those thought patterns that kept her in her people pleasing ways. We helped her identify and change her unusable thoughts, and decide things like who her best clients were, or who she was willing to give her time to, and who she just wasn't. What boundaries to put in place, so that no matter what, she had some non-negotiables for herself to stay healthy. Making sure that she always had time for things that were important to her, like eating healthy and getting a workout in. And she had to be willing to feel uncomfortable emotions so that she could have tough conversations when clients were asking for things that felt unreasonable to her.
Nina: Yeah, that's the hard part. Right? It's feeling those uncomfortable feelings when you inconvenience other people. Alright, let's talk about some other signs of people pleasing. Here are a few examples; we've quite the list. First, holding back on who you are, who you really are, because you think people might not like you, and guessing that people will like you more. Conforming who you are so that you fit in with others. We call this “human pretzelling”. Playing small to keep other people comfortable. Not setting or holding boundaries, because even if you do, you may not follow through on them for fear of what the other person will think or do. Agreeing with others, even if what they stand for isn't what you stand for. Just to keep the peace, right? Apologizing when you didn't do anything. Another way to say this, is accepting the blame for things that aren't your fault. Feeling responsible for how others feel. And saying yes to things that don't bring you joy.
Kelle: Yeah, and worrying that if you say no to people, they might think that you're not nice or that you're selfish. Or doing things because you feel guilty, or because you think you should, or to gain approval. Or saying yes to things you don't like to do, or don't want to do, just to please others. Saying yes when you really want to say no. Not letting others know when your feelings are hurt. Caring about other people's opinions more than your own. Avoiding difficult conversations and potential conflict at all costs. And really identifying where you would do things differently if no one else's opinion mattered.
Nina: And listen, what we really want to get across here is, if this is resonating, if you're identifying with any part of this, it is not your fault. You're not broken. You don't need to be fixed. We just want you to check in on your reasons for saying what you're saying or doing, and then ask yourself, “Do I like my reasons? Do I like my why here?” If you like your reason why, it may not actually be people pleasing. If you don't like your reason why, it likely is people pleasing. Kelle: Our society, patriarchy and capitalism, has taught us women to be nice. Don't be selfish. That we need to be constantly working and producing and accomplishing at all times. And definitely, above all else, don't fail. To prove what a hard worker we are by outworking everyone else. Yes, we have clients that have actually said that, “I can outwork anyone.” And that used to be me, for sure.
Nina: Yeah, people pleasing manifests in so many ways. If you grew up in a household with busy adults, either parents or caregivers, with adults who had really high expectations of you, or even over controlling parents, parents dealing with abuse or addiction or other personal trauma, parents who were emotionally absent or not engaged, these can all lead you to work harder to gain their approval, to just keep their unpredictable behavior at bay, to keep yourself safe.
Kelle: Yeah, people pleasing can also be an intergenerational pattern. If your parents or caregiver people pleased or taught you to people please others above yourself, you being the genius you are, learned that behavior that was modeled for you, or was taught to you, because you didn’t want to disappoint them or make them unhappy. So, you learn to people please to try to make them happy.
Nina: Right, because when you rely on someone else, when you're codependent with a parent, a caregiver, or even a spouse or partner, you want to make them happy. You don't want to disappoint them. So, you learn to put their needs ahead of your own.
Kelle: Yeah, remember, a core fear for us humans is to be kicked out of the tribe, to not be accepted. We're herd animals and we want to belong.
Nina: That's why it feels so scary to speak up, to voice our wants and needs, to say yes when we really want to say no; for fear that people aren't going to like it or us.
Kelle: Yeah, we know you know this on some level, that you're allowed to want things. We buy things like groceries or sweaters when it's cold. We choose restaurants and vacation locations, right? We want things all the time. But if you've ever felt like whatever you want in your life is too much or not possible, or like a burden for asking, or if you’ve given up on getting something you want because it felt too hard, then we're here to remind you, you are allowed to want things.
Nina: We live in a colonized patriarchal society that includes so many messages about what women should want, or what is okay to want and what isn't.
Kelle: Yeah. If you feel like you aren't allowed to want things, like it's okay to want some things but not others, you're not alone.
Nina: Sometimes we've denied what we want for so long, we don't even know what that looks like anymore. This is where so many of our ambitious clients meet us. Right, Kell? There are so many different root causes to people pleasing. We've programmed our thoughts and our beliefs long before we ever had the opportunity to think for ourselves, to really be aware of it.
Kelle: Yeah, this can happen with your spouse or partner too. If you're in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, or if you rely on them, so you gave up your career to stay at home and raise the kids. Or at least didn't take the higher paying job with more responsibility, because you wanted to be more present with your family, and you rely on your partner's income, it might be scary to say what you want. You might feel that you have less worth and less say, and less ability to voice your own needs. And yeah, I totally identify with this. For me, when I was a stay-at-home mom, before I realized that that was just not my thing, I wouldn't want to ask if I could go on a trip with my girlfriends because I assumed my husband wasn't going to like it, that it was going to inconvenience him. I would wait for the right time to ask him because I didn't want to put him in a bad mood. I would do all kinds of things I thought a good wife did, because that was my job at the time. I would try to keep the house clean and cook a good meal that everyone liked. I was trying to be something and someone that I just wasn't and it felt awful.
Nina: Yeah, I can relate here. It's already taking it a step further. I was literally afraid to leave town when my kids were young. There was just a lot of dysfunctional behavior in my marriage, and I felt like I had to be there and be in charge; my leaving would be too inconvenient. So, I get what you're saying about the inconvenience, right? Well, I just felt like everything would fall apart if I left. I really didn't feel safe doing that. And what happened was I just perpetuated the dysfunctional behavior by believing that I could control it. Which was a lie; to control other humans. Which is basically what people pleasing is, it's a lie. I played small and quiet to keep myself safe and make other people feel comfortable. I thought I'd emasculate if I was really who I was. Do you know what I mean, Kell? Yeah, like if I was too strong and opinionated, I thought I'd be emasculating. Can anyone else relate? But listen, we can't control someone else's thoughts, feelings or behavior. And when I stopped playing small and betraying myself, when I finally stood up for myself, and said enough is enough, well, it was very inconvenient for the people around me. And that's where I am, now learning to create safety for myself.
Kelle: Inconveniencing other people with your truths, right? It's a tradeoff. Yes, totally. When your desire for approval and validation are stronger than your desire to do what you want, it can be really challenging to speak up for yourself. And for some, you may have done this so long, you haven't even considered yourself in this way for so long. And you don't even know what you want or need. So, we know a lot of moms that have done this, right?
Nina: Yeah, again, we don't want you to stop helping people. That's not it at all. I mean, we are literally in the business of helping people, literally.
Kelle: We also don't want you to beat yourself up for having people pleasing tendencies. Remember, you were an absolute genius to adopt these coping strategies, and it made total sense you did this as a way to protect yourself.
Nina: What we want for you is to be aware of your own wants and needs, and to ensure that you're in alignment with what you want for your life, your desires, your dreams.
Kelle: Yeah, exclamation point. Okay, so if you're not sure when you're people pleasing and when you're not, ask yourself, “Does what I'm doing feel authentic and true to myself? Or does it feel like I'm sacrificing myself for the sake of others?” Like Nina said, does it feel like a lie?
Nina: Am I choosing to help someone else and abandon myself in the process? Am I doing this because that's what I think I should do as a “good” boss, wife, daughter, friend? Or am I doing it because I actually want to?
Kelle: Yeah, these are just good questions to check in and to gain awareness on if you're actually people pleasing or not.
Nina: And listen, when we start to break our own rules, the unwritten rules we've set for ourselves to create safety in our bodies and in our lives, we have to do it gently and carefully. Becoming aware of your tendency to shrink back in the boardroom, and keep your opinions from your male counterparts in the room, is where we begin. This makes a lot of sense. We help you make sense of it, I should say. As your coaches, we can show you how and why that makes complete sense. When we help you see where you learned to behave that way and why. And when we can appreciate that part of you, accept her completely, and even thank her for keeping you safe this way as long as she has…
Kelle: Then we decide together to take gentle, kind action in another direction. This is where that self-compassion comes in that we talked about in Episode 13. So, go back and listen to it for a 101.
Nina: Your Inner Mean Girl is going to chime in with volume when you try to show up differently in your life. This is underlined. We cannot be more emphatic about this. It doesn't mean anything's gone wrong. It's just that when you make changes that challenge your old ways of keeping yourself safe, when you begin to stop people pleasing...
Kelle: Yeah, that's totally normal. We talk about this a lot. Your brain does not want to change. It seeks comfort, safety and pleasure; change equals danger.
Nina: So, to gently start taking different actions in your life, to slowly peel away from that people pleasing tendency, we have this really cool tool. Really, a saying we offer clients to check in and help them start to move towards alignment.
Kelle: Are you ready? It's, “Me first, you second, with love.” So, it's not being selfish.
Nina: And it's not saying “screw you and your needs” to other people in your life. “Hey, I'm going to make sure I take care of myself first, so that I can fill my own cup, meet my own needs, and be authentic to who I am.”
Kelle: “Then, and only then, I'll be able to serve the people in my life in a way that I want to. In a healthy…
Nina: “Way.” More love, way less resentment rash.
Kelle: It’s going to feel really uncomfortable when you start to inconvenience other people, when you start to break this pattern for yourself.
Nina: That's why working with a coach, coaches like us, can be really helpful. We can help you do this work and feel safe along the way.
Kelle: Just a reminder, bullying yourself feels terrible. That's why it doesn't work. Loving yourself, will. Being good to yourself totally works.
Nina: Yeah. So, it's that “Me first, you second, with love.” Try this out. Give it a shot. And then shoot us an email and let us know how it's working for you. As with anything you do, practice with different people and in different situations. Practice makes progress.
Kelle: Totally. And I like to say, “Practice makes practice.” We're always practicing this stuff. And it's going to take practice, especially if you've been people pleasing for a really long time; you've been practicing that people pleasing behavior. It's going to take some time. And remember, that every change process starts with what?
Nina: Awareness.
Kelle: You have to notice that you're doing the thing that you want to change. When do you find yourself people pleasing? In what situations and with who? Who do you tend to people please? What are your thoughts about that person? And about yourself?
Nina: That's a good place to end, with all of those questions. Okay. So, that's all for today. Thanks for being here. We love hearing from you. So keep the feedback coming. DM us on Instagram, reach out on LinkedIn, or hit “Reply” on any of our emails, if you're on our email list.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks again all. Talk soon.
Nina: Everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we'll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly, free email coaching when you're on our list. You're the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities. Just go to KelleandNina.com to sign up.
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit www.KelleandNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Enjoy the Show?
Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!