18. When Rest Feels Stressful: 5 Ways to Reduce Pressure to Do It All
This episode falls around the 4th of July weekend, and there's a theme that always tends to come up when time off or vacation looms: a chronic pattern of feeling pressured to get it all done and keep ourselves busy. We have a mindset that creates pressure to do everything for everyone, and the worst part is that it happens totally on autopilot.
We have full lives because we want them to be full. But when we voluntarily put this pressure on ourselves to do it all, especially when we should be resting, we get to a point where even resting feels stressful. So, as a high-functioning human, how do you feel better and reduce the pressure you feel to do it all?
Tune in this week to discover why rest feels so stressful, and five things you can do about it right now. We discuss how pressuring ourselves to do and be everything for everyone on autopilot keeps us stuck with a sense of fear and scarcity, and you'll learn how to break out of the thought patterns that stop you from experiencing calm, ease, fun, and satisfaction in the life you've worked so hard to create.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why not checking your work emails and messages feels incredibly uncomfortable when you go on vacation.
The pattern that leads to rest becoming stressful.
How the pressure you put on yourself to do everything for everyone creates a sense of fear and scarcity.
Where there is nothing in this world you actually have to do.
The thoughts that are creating the pressure you feel to always be doing something.
5 ways to start feeling better right now.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle Cobble: You know what they say? If you want something done, ask a busy person.
Nina Lynch: So true.
Kelle: High achievers put a lot of pressure on themselves to do everything for everyone all the time. Always, right?
Nina: We are busy. We have very full lives because we want them to be full, right?
Kelle: Yeah. But in doing so, what are you missing out on?
Nina: That's exactly what we're diving into today. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, there. I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. If you're listening today, in real time, it's the week of the July 4 holiday. It's so interesting what comes up for clients when time off or vacation looms. Right, Kelle?
Kelle: Yes, totally. There's some anticipation and frazzle, stress, and excitement; depending on the human, of course. But buried underneath all of it is this stealth, low-grade anxiety.
Nina: Yeah, what we see with our clients especially, is a chronic pattern of feeling pressured to do it all. High achievers have a mindset that creates pressure on themselves to do everything for everyone, always. This mindset creates this sort of sense of busyness, for sure. And a sense of martyrdom, like, “No one has it as hard as I do.” This is sort of autopilot for high achievers, right?
Kelle: Yeah, it's like, “I've got a lot going on. I feel so much pressure to do more. I never feel like I'm doing enough. I don't have any time. I should be doing more.”
Nina: And then, we look outside of ourselves, externally, to determine what is enough. Of course, we turn to social media, our peers, neighbors, and we fall into the comparison trap, and it makes that pressure worse.
Kelle: Yeah, we fall into this mindset and it's autopilot for us. We don't feel as much joy, pleasure, or fun. We unwittingly miss out on a lot of the good stuff. And then vacation comes. Vacation is supposed to feel fun. We're supposed to feel pleasure and ease and relaxation, but we're so used to overdoing all day long, especially at work. This is our way of feeling in control. Right, high achievers? That's why not checking our phones or emails feels so hard when we're first on vacation, those first few days.
Nina: When work isn't part of the daily mix, when we're on vacation for example, that “over-ing” shows up in other ways. So, something just to be aware of. For some clients, they're overly judgmental. This just came up with one of our clients; she was super critical of her spouse's behavior on vacation. Or maybe your kids’ screentime, maybe that's what you're super focused on. Or maybe it's what your friends have, and you don’t, their bank accounts, for example. Or even more super critical or judgmental of our own bodies on vacation.
It's just so interesting what comes up. For others still, they kind of over plan or schedule their time off. Activities are booked all day, every day; waking the kids up early, multiple big hikes with the family, and horseback rides, and then pool time, and then reservations. Or maybe it's just unreasonable daily workout plans for themselves. Starting with a run in the morning to catch sunrise and get training for that marathon.
Kelle: Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, I met my sister for a quick beach weekend. We didn't plan any workouts, but we did take quite a few beach walks. We got a crazy amount of steps in. One day, we did nine miles, and oh my God, after surgery and not really doing much, or working out much at all, my body was feeling it. We did balance it out, of course, with quite a bit of lounge time at the pool. But yeah, even when there's no planning, there can be overdoing. And for other still, there's an agenda, a conversation or bridge that needs to be built or crossed with someone or in a relationship. “We are going to have this conversation. It's going to happen on vacation, dammit.”
Nina: This is all to avoid the low-grade anxiety we feel when we're still high achievers. Right, Ambitious-ish listeners? When there's no plan or agenda, when we're in stillness. Because rest feels stressful when we're constantly putting pressure on ourselves to overdo. Rest and relaxation, that R&R, doesn't feel good. You feel antsy. So, we don't do it. Are we right?
Kelle: Let's give that a beat, “Rest feels stressful.” I mean, who's with us? Does this land for you? We can both totally relate. Sitting on that pool lounger, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, “I should be doing something else.”
Nina: It makes complete sense, right? When we're telling ourselves all week long, on repeat, that we have to do everything for everyone, always. When we put pressure on ourselves to do it all. And this beautiful version of autopilot can keep us from feeling the ease and calm we inherently deserve and require as high functioning humans. So, how do you feel better and reduce the pressure you feel to do it all?
Kelle: We know, deep down, you want to relax and enjoy vacation. To feel safe sitting on the beach in stillness. To connect with loved ones in a present way. To shore up and actually enjoy the life you've worked so hard to create. The only thing holding you back is your mindset. Your big, beautiful human brain.
Nina: When we unwittingly put pressure on ourselves to do it all, our thoughts include a lot of “have to’s,” right Kell?
Kelle: Oh, yeah. “Have to’s” are red flags for Nina and me when we're coaching a client; we'll get into this more in a sec. But your “have to’s” are all choices. When we're telling ourselves, on repeat, all the things we have to do, it can feel very much like we don't have any choices, no agency whatsoever. We're sort of powerless, and we fall into this victim mode, which is just so “meh.”
Nina: Blech. Yucky. Yeah, we're overwhelmed, resentful, and angry. Can you feel us? We’re passive, aggressive, and exhausted. “Everything is fine.” That is code for passive aggressive. And it's not that we're overwhelmed by all of the to do's on our plates. The overwhelm comes from the unreasonable and damaging expectations we have of ourselves. Just think about that for a second.
Kelle: Yeah. And a reminder, expectations, they're really just thoughts in our heads. Thoughts, we can change. We can think better feeling thoughts, and feel better in our lives.
Nina: Yeah, check this out. I sort of think pressure is code for fear. So, when we feel pressure, it's an interesting opportunity to check in. Usually, those expectations we have of ourselves, the unreasonable thoughts we're thinking, are creating a sense of fear and scarcity. That's why we show up the way we do. We're kind of unwittingly scaring ourselves to take action when we feel pressure.
Kelle: Woah, that's such an interesting way to look at this. So much of our actions are fear based then. And we know that that's not our executive functioning, right? We're not using that logical CEO brain when we're in fear and scarcity.
Nina: Exactly. This awareness alone helps me shift out of this mindset right when I notice it.
Kelle: Okay, so let's dismantle this mindset. Ready? Let's nip this thing in the bud right now, this unusable thinking and feeling pattern that we have to do everything for everyone, always. And the pressure we put on ourselves to do it all so we can feel more calm and ease and fun and pleasure and joy, and all the things.
Nina: Yes, please. Alright, let's talk solutions. The solution here has several parts. So, let's dive into the five ways to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all.
Number one has to do with your self-concept. Kelle, and I define self-concept as your thoughts about yourself. So, your opinions about yourself. Your self concept is a reflection of your thoughts, not what anyone else has to say about you. Self-concept is something we work on and question right away with clients. We actually explore this on our free consultations. You guys, think about meeting us on one of these calls. They can be life giving, seriously. We'll put a link in our calendar in the show notes.
Kelle: Yeah, we love this idea of self-concept. And when you make your feelings part of your self-concept, it becomes so much harder to change. This can really hold us back as we look to feel more satisfied about our self-concept.
Nina: And what we mean by that is, just simply calling yourself overwhelmed or stressed out or resentful or burned out or disorganized, sort of perpetuates those feelings. Notice, what is the self-concept or identity that you're creating for yourself on default here? It's like our clients who call themselves “workaholics.” Just calling yourself this, and making it yourself-concept, perpetuates the workaholism. Are we right?
Kelle: Those “I am” statements; I am overwhelmed. I'm such a workaholic. All those. The work here it's to decide intentionally who you want to be. What do you want your self-concept to be?
Nina: Listen, you, amazing, beautiful, worthy, and capable you, are not stressed out, reactive, overwhelmed, or burned out. You're a woman, or human, who feels overwhelmed from time to time, maybe more often than you'd like. Did you hear the subtle difference there?
Separating out your negative feelings from who you are, when you do this, you create space to feel your feelings without making them part of who you are. “I feel overwhelmed, but that's not who I am. I'm really good at what I do. I'm a mom and a wife, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and maybe irritated.”
Kelle: And frustrated and annoyed. Listen, your feelings are valid, but they are not who you are. This will always help you feel more equipped to deal with what you need to do, without the pressure you're used to putting on yourself. So, give it a try.
Alright, number two, personal responsibility. We're going to totally rock your world here, so hang on. Put on your seatbelt. Grab that…. what is that? Oh, shit handle? There is nothing you have to do. Mic drop. I know you're calling b.s. on us right now and that's okay. We get a lot of resistance on this one. Let's just keep going. Go ahead, Nina.
Nina: Yeah. You tell yourself you have to pick your kids up from school. You have to make the edits. You have to wait to hear back from the client. You have to get your colonoscopy. You have to do your taxes. Those are all choices. You don't have to do any of that. Sure, there are consequences if you don't, like an IRS bill, but telling yourself you have to just isn't true. And it's really disempowering.
Kelle: Yeah, you can literally sit in your bed all day, but you don't, of course, high achiever. Because you want a full life. You want a lot of things in your life. Deciding to show up from a place of choice and personal responsibility is so bad-ass and so empowering. Listen, really, there are four things we need to do. We need to eat. We need to breathe. We need to sleep. And we need to drink.
Nina: I was going to say water.
Kelle: Yeah, that's it, there are four things we need to do on a daily basis. So, if you're telling yourself those “have to’s,” just check in on those.
Nina: Yeah, you're waiting for the client to get back to you, with perhaps a boundary or deadline in place, because being responsive and reliable to them is important to you. You're picking the kids up from school because you want to be there for them at the end of the day. And that car time counts us “together time.” And yes, you choose to get that colonoscopy because preventative care will serve you in the long run, right?
It just feels better to decide, to exercise your agency, otherwise we live at the effect of our lives. We're victims in our own day to day, pulling around a big ball and chain.
Kelle: Yeah, a good place to start here is to mentally quit. And then decide, from a place of choice, what you're showing up for. “I'm choosing to” versus “I have to.” You may have heard people say, “You don't have to, you get to.” We don't love that because it feels so like, okay…
Nina: It feels “should-y.” Like, “You should be grateful all the time.”
Kelle: Toxic gratefulness. “I don't have to get a colonoscopy,” right? I get it.
Nina: “No, I get to.” Yeah, “I'm just choosing to.”
Kelle: Everything is a choice. I don't have to, I'm making the choice to. There's no victim-ey “have to” in any of it.
Nina: It's genuinely what you are choosing to do. You're choosing to go back and make the edits, and give yourself a mental deadline to do so. And if it means you get less sleep tonight, it does. That's just what happens. It's your choice. It's hard, and you're choosing hard right now. Right? Hard isn't happening to you; you're choosing hard right now. Or even, “That was harder than I thought it would be. And that's okay. That's also who I want to be.” This is taking ownership over your actions. Does this land?
Kelle: Yeah, I love this idea that I can choose to do hard things, they don't just happen to me.
Nina: Yeah, totally. “This is hard, and I'm choosing to do it right now.” There's less pressure and more conviction. Love me some conviction, right?
Kelle: Love it. This reminds me of my husband, who's a physician. He has a membership-based practice. He gets calls from patients at seven, and he'll be so mad because he was in the office all day until five, and they're calling him at seven o'clock at night. I'm always like, “Just because they're calling, doesn't mean that you have to answer the phone, babe.” You don't have to, you can choose to, but it's a choice.
Okay. Number three is your mindset. Your mindset creates pressure, the feeling of pressure. Because your thoughts create your feelings, right listeners? So, this is the one simple truth of our coaching practice, and something that you've heard us talk a lot about. We’re redundant when it's important, though, so stay with us.
Nina: A couple themes we see in thoughts that create the feeling of pressure are, first, time scarcity thoughts. This sounds like, “I don't have time. I never have time. I'm not sure I have enough time. Why don't I have more time? There's never time for me. This is a waste of time. They're wasting my time.” And we could go on and on, right?
Listen, your brain has good reason to think these thoughts. But it's an opportunity to check in “I have enough time to drink a glass of wine, to scroll, or watch Netflix, so I do in fact have time.”
Kelle: Yes. So, the shift here might be, “This is exactly what I want to be doing with my time. This feels hard, and I'm okay with it.” You're validating yourself in that moment, and taking a minute to remind yourself of your choices and how they're creating a life you love, the life you've created, that you love this life. You're choosing to do this, and it feels hard, and that's okay.
Alright, the second kind of thoughts that create pressure are self-doubting thoughts. And really, these are the worse. Thoughts like there's something wrong with you.
Nina: Yeah, this is when you tell yourself you're not good enough. You're making too many mistakes. You can't win. Ooh, those mom guilt thoughts, right? That you're not spending enough time with friends or family. These self-doubting, or guilty thoughts can create a lot of pressure.
Kelle: Yeah, who are we even comparing ourselves to here? And why is it useful? When we clean up how we evaluate ourselves, instead of looking outside of ourselves, we can decide what's enough or what's a fail on our own. We decide what enough means to us. And we put less pressure on ourselves to do things in a certain way, always for everyone else.
Nina: We decide how much time is the right amount of time to spend with friends and family. We decide what to do with mistakes; we'd suggest you learn from them instead of telling yourself you failed. We decide what kind of mom we want to be and how we want to show up. We don't let them tell us, or “should” ourselves.
Kelle: This is where the “shoulds” come in. “Shoulds” are the clue that maybe you're putting pressure on yourself to make a decision based on someone else's expectations, something outside of you. And they almost always feel shame based. So, when the “shoulds” come up, just check in and come back to you. Who do you want to be? What's most important to you?
Nina: Okay, the third category of mindset thoughts that create pressure is martyrdom. We know everyone can relate here, right? This is when you feel like you need to do everything for everyone always, in your family, at work, in your friendships. Which means you're willing to sacrifice at your own expense.
Kelle: We're talking about everyday life and logistics of life. That you're telling yourself it's your job to do it all. You'll feel a lot of pressure. We had a client who would say, “My plate is completely full, and it's a face-sized plate.”
Nina: Yeah, our high achievers, we have big plates.
Kelle: Yeah, exactly. You got buffet-sized plates. Come on. Yeah, check in with yourself here. When was the last time you felt joy or pleasure or fun? Martyrdom is a total buzzkill, and that's an understatement. The kryptonite here is awareness. Just notice this and how it makes you feel, and what you're modeling for everyone around you.
Nina: Yeah, it's not your job to do everything for everyone, always. It's not your responsibility to make everyone happy. Which is impossible, by the way. Ask yourself instead, who do you want to be? “I want to be sturdy and strong and reliable and responsive. Not constantly giving from an empty cup.” Self-sacrifice as your life's purpose. Constantly feeling depleted.
Kelle: You get to decide what you do and don't do. And that's a great thought, by the way. “It takes the pressure off. It takes off that feeling of pressure,” is a better feeling thought than the default, “I have to do everything for everyone, always. I have to do it because it won't get done if I don't do it.”
Nina: Yeah, or, “It won’t get done right.” Okay, to the fourth way to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all is stillness. So, let's back up a sec. The first way to feel better was self-concept, right? The second was personal responsibility. The third was your mindset. And this is the fourth, stillness. So, if “busy” is your drug of choice, so to speak… and it is for the women we work with and for ourselves… rest will feel stressful.
Kelle: This is so important. Think about how long you felt that low-grade chronic, daily overwhelm. We're guessing it's been years, maybe even decades. This is the result of your mindset, not the circumstances or seasons in your life. It's a result of the pressure that you put on yourself to do everything for everyone, always.
Nina: We had a client a few weeks ago who is a CFO. Right, Kell?
Kelle: Oh, yeah.
Nina: And she said she'd likely be overwhelmed working at McDonald's, knowing her tendency to get stressed and burned out. Just really high expectations of herself. This is the result of her mindset. It's not the work, people, or circumstances around her. She's this complete rockstar, and she identifies herself as someone who creates a lot of overwhelm for herself, and pressure.
Kelle: The awareness of this alone helped her stop the busy and stop the overwhelm and begin to be still.
Nina: This is one of the main reasons the women we work with have such a tricky time getting settled into vacation, because rest is stressful. Rest is stressful because we never do it. Our nervous systems do not like downshifting to a lower gear, because it's something we rarely do. And our brains don't like anything new or to change. They like the path of least resistance, more of the same, which is busy.
Kelle: So, we always suggest a stillness practice to most of our clients in our six month coaching container. What this looks like is, and we start small, planning for and scheduling two minutes of stillness every day. We set goals with clients in a specific and doable way. We start with doable goals because team, come on. This is not easy for most of us, right?
Nina: Totally, it feels really uncomfortable, boring, and like a waste of time; this is the feedback we've gotten. You can probably imagine, as you consider a stillness practice. So, you set your notifications off, you sit somewhere you won't be interrupted...
Kelle: Yeah, and this isn't quite meditation. But there's a saying that ‘if you don't have two minutes to meditate, meditate for 40 minutes,’ or something like that. It's not quite that, but it's a fool's errand, right?
Nina: But just do your best. This could be in front of a window, in your backyard, in bed, or even in your car. You just sit. You engage all five senses and just be. You're a human being, by the way, not a human doing.
Kelle: That makes it feel like this should be inherently easy, but it's not. Especially for your big, beautiful human brain, Ambitious-ish listener, right? And for all the high achievers out there, and for our perfectionists, there's no right or wrong. It doesn't have to look a certain way. I remember early on in my meditation practice, I would get so mad if my kids were loud, or interrupted me while I was meditating. Because I really wanted to do it “right.” So, it counted, as if that was even a thing.
Nina: There you go judging your meditations. Which is the opposite of the point, anyway. Yeah, basically, it's put your phone away. No Spotify or podcasts or Audible. Just be. This is about getting comfortable in your body.
Kelle: By practicing stillness, we're slowly but surely learning how to unbusy and slow down to feel safe in that downshift. And in what feels really uncomfortable, for two minutes at first, and then two becomes five and seven, and then 10 and 15.
Nina: Yeah, comfort starts with discomfort. So, just know that nothing's gone wrong here if you feel uncomfortable. We'd love for you to work your way up to 10 or 20 minutes. But let's take this step by step.
Kelle: What happens, is you start to deconstruct “busy” by feeling safe, or safer and calm. This takes a little practice, so you give yourself a break as you get started. It's all about giving yourself permission to get still.
Nina: And you don't have to earn your rest here, rockstars. This is just a permission slip. Okay, the fifth and final way to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all is planning.
Kelle: Yeah, if you don't plan it, it will happen. Seriously. Anything that takes up mind space is worthy of planning.
Nina: We have a system we teach clients about planning. It's called Results Planning. It's all about getting away from a to-do list, mental and physical, and putting all of the results you want to create in your calendar.
Kelle: Totally. Scheduling them, not just listing them, and taking them when you can.
Nina: So your mind isn't crowded with open loops that you tell yourself need to happen, but don't. Are we right? This supports that concept of personal responsibility. It's never anyone or anything else's fault. You can get things done when you decide what results you want to create, and then follow through.
Kelle: Yeah, that's what's cool about planning, right? All you have to do is follow through, once there's a plan. This takes practice too, don't get us wrong. A lot of clients over plan or are unrealistic with their expectations or time for themselves, at first. And that's all okay, we just learn from these mistakes we make and begin again.
Nina: This all helps chip away at the pressure we put on ourselves, and helps us feel better with a plan. Okay, so to recap the five steps to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all ourselves: self-concept, personal responsibility, mindset, stillness, and then finally, planning.
We hope you take this and run with it. Give it a try and let us know how things go. Go back and give the different sections another listen, and let us know if you have questions. We're here for you.
Kelle: This is such a good one. Okay, that's all we have for you today. Thanks so much for being here.
Nina: Yeah, thanks all. Bye, for now.
Kelle: Bye.
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Nina Lynch: So true.
Kelle: High achievers put a lot of pressure on themselves to do everything for everyone all the time. Always, right?
Nina: We are busy. We have very full lives because we want them to be full, right?
Kelle: Yeah. But in doing so, what are you missing out on?
Nina: That's exactly what we're diving into today. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, there. I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. If you're listening today, in real time, it's the week of the July 4 holiday. It's so interesting what comes up for clients when time off or vacation looms. Right, Kelle?
Kelle: Yes, totally. There's some anticipation and frazzle, stress, and excitement; depending on the human, of course. But buried underneath all of it is this stealth, low-grade anxiety.
Nina: Yeah, what we see with our clients especially, is a chronic pattern of feeling pressured to do it all. High achievers have a mindset that creates pressure on themselves to do everything for everyone, always. This mindset creates this sort of sense of busyness, for sure. And a sense of martyrdom, like, “No one has it as hard as I do.” This is sort of autopilot for high achievers, right?
Kelle: Yeah, it's like, “I've got a lot going on. I feel so much pressure to do more. I never feel like I'm doing enough. I don't have any time. I should be doing more.”
Nina: And then, we look outside of ourselves, externally, to determine what is enough. Of course, we turn to social media, our peers, neighbors, and we fall into the comparison trap, and it makes that pressure worse.
Kelle: Yeah, we fall into this mindset and it's autopilot for us. We don't feel as much joy, pleasure, or fun. We unwittingly miss out on a lot of the good stuff. And then vacation comes. Vacation is supposed to feel fun. We're supposed to feel pleasure and ease and relaxation, but we're so used to overdoing all day long, especially at work. This is our way of feeling in control. Right, high achievers? That's why not checking our phones or emails feels so hard when we're first on vacation, those first few days.
Nina: When work isn't part of the daily mix, when we're on vacation for example, that “over-ing” shows up in other ways. So, something just to be aware of. For some clients, they're overly judgmental. This just came up with one of our clients; she was super critical of her spouse's behavior on vacation. Or maybe your kids’ screentime, maybe that's what you're super focused on. Or maybe it's what your friends have, and you don’t, their bank accounts, for example. Or even more super critical or judgmental of our own bodies on vacation.
It's just so interesting what comes up. For others still, they kind of over plan or schedule their time off. Activities are booked all day, every day; waking the kids up early, multiple big hikes with the family, and horseback rides, and then pool time, and then reservations. Or maybe it's just unreasonable daily workout plans for themselves. Starting with a run in the morning to catch sunrise and get training for that marathon.
Kelle: Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, I met my sister for a quick beach weekend. We didn't plan any workouts, but we did take quite a few beach walks. We got a crazy amount of steps in. One day, we did nine miles, and oh my God, after surgery and not really doing much, or working out much at all, my body was feeling it. We did balance it out, of course, with quite a bit of lounge time at the pool. But yeah, even when there's no planning, there can be overdoing. And for other still, there's an agenda, a conversation or bridge that needs to be built or crossed with someone or in a relationship. “We are going to have this conversation. It's going to happen on vacation, dammit.”
Nina: This is all to avoid the low-grade anxiety we feel when we're still high achievers. Right, Ambitious-ish listeners? When there's no plan or agenda, when we're in stillness. Because rest feels stressful when we're constantly putting pressure on ourselves to overdo. Rest and relaxation, that R&R, doesn't feel good. You feel antsy. So, we don't do it. Are we right?
Kelle: Let's give that a beat, “Rest feels stressful.” I mean, who's with us? Does this land for you? We can both totally relate. Sitting on that pool lounger, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, “I should be doing something else.”
Nina: It makes complete sense, right? When we're telling ourselves all week long, on repeat, that we have to do everything for everyone, always. When we put pressure on ourselves to do it all. And this beautiful version of autopilot can keep us from feeling the ease and calm we inherently deserve and require as high functioning humans. So, how do you feel better and reduce the pressure you feel to do it all?
Kelle: We know, deep down, you want to relax and enjoy vacation. To feel safe sitting on the beach in stillness. To connect with loved ones in a present way. To shore up and actually enjoy the life you've worked so hard to create. The only thing holding you back is your mindset. Your big, beautiful human brain.
Nina: When we unwittingly put pressure on ourselves to do it all, our thoughts include a lot of “have to’s,” right Kell?
Kelle: Oh, yeah. “Have to’s” are red flags for Nina and me when we're coaching a client; we'll get into this more in a sec. But your “have to’s” are all choices. When we're telling ourselves, on repeat, all the things we have to do, it can feel very much like we don't have any choices, no agency whatsoever. We're sort of powerless, and we fall into this victim mode, which is just so “meh.”
Nina: Blech. Yucky. Yeah, we're overwhelmed, resentful, and angry. Can you feel us? We’re passive, aggressive, and exhausted. “Everything is fine.” That is code for passive aggressive. And it's not that we're overwhelmed by all of the to do's on our plates. The overwhelm comes from the unreasonable and damaging expectations we have of ourselves. Just think about that for a second.
Kelle: Yeah. And a reminder, expectations, they're really just thoughts in our heads. Thoughts, we can change. We can think better feeling thoughts, and feel better in our lives.
Nina: Yeah, check this out. I sort of think pressure is code for fear. So, when we feel pressure, it's an interesting opportunity to check in. Usually, those expectations we have of ourselves, the unreasonable thoughts we're thinking, are creating a sense of fear and scarcity. That's why we show up the way we do. We're kind of unwittingly scaring ourselves to take action when we feel pressure.
Kelle: Woah, that's such an interesting way to look at this. So much of our actions are fear based then. And we know that that's not our executive functioning, right? We're not using that logical CEO brain when we're in fear and scarcity.
Nina: Exactly. This awareness alone helps me shift out of this mindset right when I notice it.
Kelle: Okay, so let's dismantle this mindset. Ready? Let's nip this thing in the bud right now, this unusable thinking and feeling pattern that we have to do everything for everyone, always. And the pressure we put on ourselves to do it all so we can feel more calm and ease and fun and pleasure and joy, and all the things.
Nina: Yes, please. Alright, let's talk solutions. The solution here has several parts. So, let's dive into the five ways to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all.
Number one has to do with your self-concept. Kelle, and I define self-concept as your thoughts about yourself. So, your opinions about yourself. Your self concept is a reflection of your thoughts, not what anyone else has to say about you. Self-concept is something we work on and question right away with clients. We actually explore this on our free consultations. You guys, think about meeting us on one of these calls. They can be life giving, seriously. We'll put a link in our calendar in the show notes.
Kelle: Yeah, we love this idea of self-concept. And when you make your feelings part of your self-concept, it becomes so much harder to change. This can really hold us back as we look to feel more satisfied about our self-concept.
Nina: And what we mean by that is, just simply calling yourself overwhelmed or stressed out or resentful or burned out or disorganized, sort of perpetuates those feelings. Notice, what is the self-concept or identity that you're creating for yourself on default here? It's like our clients who call themselves “workaholics.” Just calling yourself this, and making it yourself-concept, perpetuates the workaholism. Are we right?
Kelle: Those “I am” statements; I am overwhelmed. I'm such a workaholic. All those. The work here it's to decide intentionally who you want to be. What do you want your self-concept to be?
Nina: Listen, you, amazing, beautiful, worthy, and capable you, are not stressed out, reactive, overwhelmed, or burned out. You're a woman, or human, who feels overwhelmed from time to time, maybe more often than you'd like. Did you hear the subtle difference there?
Separating out your negative feelings from who you are, when you do this, you create space to feel your feelings without making them part of who you are. “I feel overwhelmed, but that's not who I am. I'm really good at what I do. I'm a mom and a wife, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and maybe irritated.”
Kelle: And frustrated and annoyed. Listen, your feelings are valid, but they are not who you are. This will always help you feel more equipped to deal with what you need to do, without the pressure you're used to putting on yourself. So, give it a try.
Alright, number two, personal responsibility. We're going to totally rock your world here, so hang on. Put on your seatbelt. Grab that…. what is that? Oh, shit handle? There is nothing you have to do. Mic drop. I know you're calling b.s. on us right now and that's okay. We get a lot of resistance on this one. Let's just keep going. Go ahead, Nina.
Nina: Yeah. You tell yourself you have to pick your kids up from school. You have to make the edits. You have to wait to hear back from the client. You have to get your colonoscopy. You have to do your taxes. Those are all choices. You don't have to do any of that. Sure, there are consequences if you don't, like an IRS bill, but telling yourself you have to just isn't true. And it's really disempowering.
Kelle: Yeah, you can literally sit in your bed all day, but you don't, of course, high achiever. Because you want a full life. You want a lot of things in your life. Deciding to show up from a place of choice and personal responsibility is so bad-ass and so empowering. Listen, really, there are four things we need to do. We need to eat. We need to breathe. We need to sleep. And we need to drink.
Nina: I was going to say water.
Kelle: Yeah, that's it, there are four things we need to do on a daily basis. So, if you're telling yourself those “have to’s,” just check in on those.
Nina: Yeah, you're waiting for the client to get back to you, with perhaps a boundary or deadline in place, because being responsive and reliable to them is important to you. You're picking the kids up from school because you want to be there for them at the end of the day. And that car time counts us “together time.” And yes, you choose to get that colonoscopy because preventative care will serve you in the long run, right?
It just feels better to decide, to exercise your agency, otherwise we live at the effect of our lives. We're victims in our own day to day, pulling around a big ball and chain.
Kelle: Yeah, a good place to start here is to mentally quit. And then decide, from a place of choice, what you're showing up for. “I'm choosing to” versus “I have to.” You may have heard people say, “You don't have to, you get to.” We don't love that because it feels so like, okay…
Nina: It feels “should-y.” Like, “You should be grateful all the time.”
Kelle: Toxic gratefulness. “I don't have to get a colonoscopy,” right? I get it.
Nina: “No, I get to.” Yeah, “I'm just choosing to.”
Kelle: Everything is a choice. I don't have to, I'm making the choice to. There's no victim-ey “have to” in any of it.
Nina: It's genuinely what you are choosing to do. You're choosing to go back and make the edits, and give yourself a mental deadline to do so. And if it means you get less sleep tonight, it does. That's just what happens. It's your choice. It's hard, and you're choosing hard right now. Right? Hard isn't happening to you; you're choosing hard right now. Or even, “That was harder than I thought it would be. And that's okay. That's also who I want to be.” This is taking ownership over your actions. Does this land?
Kelle: Yeah, I love this idea that I can choose to do hard things, they don't just happen to me.
Nina: Yeah, totally. “This is hard, and I'm choosing to do it right now.” There's less pressure and more conviction. Love me some conviction, right?
Kelle: Love it. This reminds me of my husband, who's a physician. He has a membership-based practice. He gets calls from patients at seven, and he'll be so mad because he was in the office all day until five, and they're calling him at seven o'clock at night. I'm always like, “Just because they're calling, doesn't mean that you have to answer the phone, babe.” You don't have to, you can choose to, but it's a choice.
Okay. Number three is your mindset. Your mindset creates pressure, the feeling of pressure. Because your thoughts create your feelings, right listeners? So, this is the one simple truth of our coaching practice, and something that you've heard us talk a lot about. We’re redundant when it's important, though, so stay with us.
Nina: A couple themes we see in thoughts that create the feeling of pressure are, first, time scarcity thoughts. This sounds like, “I don't have time. I never have time. I'm not sure I have enough time. Why don't I have more time? There's never time for me. This is a waste of time. They're wasting my time.” And we could go on and on, right?
Listen, your brain has good reason to think these thoughts. But it's an opportunity to check in “I have enough time to drink a glass of wine, to scroll, or watch Netflix, so I do in fact have time.”
Kelle: Yes. So, the shift here might be, “This is exactly what I want to be doing with my time. This feels hard, and I'm okay with it.” You're validating yourself in that moment, and taking a minute to remind yourself of your choices and how they're creating a life you love, the life you've created, that you love this life. You're choosing to do this, and it feels hard, and that's okay.
Alright, the second kind of thoughts that create pressure are self-doubting thoughts. And really, these are the worse. Thoughts like there's something wrong with you.
Nina: Yeah, this is when you tell yourself you're not good enough. You're making too many mistakes. You can't win. Ooh, those mom guilt thoughts, right? That you're not spending enough time with friends or family. These self-doubting, or guilty thoughts can create a lot of pressure.
Kelle: Yeah, who are we even comparing ourselves to here? And why is it useful? When we clean up how we evaluate ourselves, instead of looking outside of ourselves, we can decide what's enough or what's a fail on our own. We decide what enough means to us. And we put less pressure on ourselves to do things in a certain way, always for everyone else.
Nina: We decide how much time is the right amount of time to spend with friends and family. We decide what to do with mistakes; we'd suggest you learn from them instead of telling yourself you failed. We decide what kind of mom we want to be and how we want to show up. We don't let them tell us, or “should” ourselves.
Kelle: This is where the “shoulds” come in. “Shoulds” are the clue that maybe you're putting pressure on yourself to make a decision based on someone else's expectations, something outside of you. And they almost always feel shame based. So, when the “shoulds” come up, just check in and come back to you. Who do you want to be? What's most important to you?
Nina: Okay, the third category of mindset thoughts that create pressure is martyrdom. We know everyone can relate here, right? This is when you feel like you need to do everything for everyone always, in your family, at work, in your friendships. Which means you're willing to sacrifice at your own expense.
Kelle: We're talking about everyday life and logistics of life. That you're telling yourself it's your job to do it all. You'll feel a lot of pressure. We had a client who would say, “My plate is completely full, and it's a face-sized plate.”
Nina: Yeah, our high achievers, we have big plates.
Kelle: Yeah, exactly. You got buffet-sized plates. Come on. Yeah, check in with yourself here. When was the last time you felt joy or pleasure or fun? Martyrdom is a total buzzkill, and that's an understatement. The kryptonite here is awareness. Just notice this and how it makes you feel, and what you're modeling for everyone around you.
Nina: Yeah, it's not your job to do everything for everyone, always. It's not your responsibility to make everyone happy. Which is impossible, by the way. Ask yourself instead, who do you want to be? “I want to be sturdy and strong and reliable and responsive. Not constantly giving from an empty cup.” Self-sacrifice as your life's purpose. Constantly feeling depleted.
Kelle: You get to decide what you do and don't do. And that's a great thought, by the way. “It takes the pressure off. It takes off that feeling of pressure,” is a better feeling thought than the default, “I have to do everything for everyone, always. I have to do it because it won't get done if I don't do it.”
Nina: Yeah, or, “It won’t get done right.” Okay, to the fourth way to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all is stillness. So, let's back up a sec. The first way to feel better was self-concept, right? The second was personal responsibility. The third was your mindset. And this is the fourth, stillness. So, if “busy” is your drug of choice, so to speak… and it is for the women we work with and for ourselves… rest will feel stressful.
Kelle: This is so important. Think about how long you felt that low-grade chronic, daily overwhelm. We're guessing it's been years, maybe even decades. This is the result of your mindset, not the circumstances or seasons in your life. It's a result of the pressure that you put on yourself to do everything for everyone, always.
Nina: We had a client a few weeks ago who is a CFO. Right, Kell?
Kelle: Oh, yeah.
Nina: And she said she'd likely be overwhelmed working at McDonald's, knowing her tendency to get stressed and burned out. Just really high expectations of herself. This is the result of her mindset. It's not the work, people, or circumstances around her. She's this complete rockstar, and she identifies herself as someone who creates a lot of overwhelm for herself, and pressure.
Kelle: The awareness of this alone helped her stop the busy and stop the overwhelm and begin to be still.
Nina: This is one of the main reasons the women we work with have such a tricky time getting settled into vacation, because rest is stressful. Rest is stressful because we never do it. Our nervous systems do not like downshifting to a lower gear, because it's something we rarely do. And our brains don't like anything new or to change. They like the path of least resistance, more of the same, which is busy.
Kelle: So, we always suggest a stillness practice to most of our clients in our six month coaching container. What this looks like is, and we start small, planning for and scheduling two minutes of stillness every day. We set goals with clients in a specific and doable way. We start with doable goals because team, come on. This is not easy for most of us, right?
Nina: Totally, it feels really uncomfortable, boring, and like a waste of time; this is the feedback we've gotten. You can probably imagine, as you consider a stillness practice. So, you set your notifications off, you sit somewhere you won't be interrupted...
Kelle: Yeah, and this isn't quite meditation. But there's a saying that ‘if you don't have two minutes to meditate, meditate for 40 minutes,’ or something like that. It's not quite that, but it's a fool's errand, right?
Nina: But just do your best. This could be in front of a window, in your backyard, in bed, or even in your car. You just sit. You engage all five senses and just be. You're a human being, by the way, not a human doing.
Kelle: That makes it feel like this should be inherently easy, but it's not. Especially for your big, beautiful human brain, Ambitious-ish listener, right? And for all the high achievers out there, and for our perfectionists, there's no right or wrong. It doesn't have to look a certain way. I remember early on in my meditation practice, I would get so mad if my kids were loud, or interrupted me while I was meditating. Because I really wanted to do it “right.” So, it counted, as if that was even a thing.
Nina: There you go judging your meditations. Which is the opposite of the point, anyway. Yeah, basically, it's put your phone away. No Spotify or podcasts or Audible. Just be. This is about getting comfortable in your body.
Kelle: By practicing stillness, we're slowly but surely learning how to unbusy and slow down to feel safe in that downshift. And in what feels really uncomfortable, for two minutes at first, and then two becomes five and seven, and then 10 and 15.
Nina: Yeah, comfort starts with discomfort. So, just know that nothing's gone wrong here if you feel uncomfortable. We'd love for you to work your way up to 10 or 20 minutes. But let's take this step by step.
Kelle: What happens, is you start to deconstruct “busy” by feeling safe, or safer and calm. This takes a little practice, so you give yourself a break as you get started. It's all about giving yourself permission to get still.
Nina: And you don't have to earn your rest here, rockstars. This is just a permission slip. Okay, the fifth and final way to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all is planning.
Kelle: Yeah, if you don't plan it, it will happen. Seriously. Anything that takes up mind space is worthy of planning.
Nina: We have a system we teach clients about planning. It's called Results Planning. It's all about getting away from a to-do list, mental and physical, and putting all of the results you want to create in your calendar.
Kelle: Totally. Scheduling them, not just listing them, and taking them when you can.
Nina: So your mind isn't crowded with open loops that you tell yourself need to happen, but don't. Are we right? This supports that concept of personal responsibility. It's never anyone or anything else's fault. You can get things done when you decide what results you want to create, and then follow through.
Kelle: Yeah, that's what's cool about planning, right? All you have to do is follow through, once there's a plan. This takes practice too, don't get us wrong. A lot of clients over plan or are unrealistic with their expectations or time for themselves, at first. And that's all okay, we just learn from these mistakes we make and begin again.
Nina: This all helps chip away at the pressure we put on ourselves, and helps us feel better with a plan. Okay, so to recap the five steps to feel better and reduce the pressure to do it all ourselves: self-concept, personal responsibility, mindset, stillness, and then finally, planning.
We hope you take this and run with it. Give it a try and let us know how things go. Go back and give the different sections another listen, and let us know if you have questions. We're here for you.
Kelle: This is such a good one. Okay, that's all we have for you today. Thanks so much for being here.
Nina: Yeah, thanks all. Bye, for now.
Kelle: Bye.
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