55. Toxic vs Healthy Competition: Shifting From Bitter to Better
Do you ever feel that knot in your stomach when you see a competitor's success on social media? Or a flash of panic when someone in your industry launches something big before you? Competition is a normal part of being a high achiever, but too often we get caught in a toxic cycle of comparison that keeps us stuck in self-doubt and overwhelm.
When we're trapped in toxic competition, we stay in survival mode - reactive, uncreative, and not focused on our unique strengths. We're not showing up as the best version of ourselves or creating our best work. But what if we could shift into a healthier form of competition that actually fuels us forward?
In this episode, we're diving into the difference between toxic and healthy competition and how to make the shift. We'll explore what each one looks and feels like, share stories from our own journeys, and provide practical strategies you can use to stop obsessing over what everyone else is doing and start getting the results you want. If you're ready to go from bitter to better, this episode is for you.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
The key differences between toxic and healthy competition and how to spot which mode you're in.
Why toxic competition keeps you stuck in comparison and scarcity and how to break free.
How to use physical cues to interrupt the spiral of toxic comparison and shift your mindset.
The power of focusing on collaboration over competition, even with your "competitors."
Practical strategies for maintaining healthy competition, like limiting triggers and celebrating others' success.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Nina Lynch: Okay, so who hasn’t felt that knot in that stomach when you see a competitor’s success on social media?
Kelle Cobble: Or that flash of panic when someone in your industry launches something big before you?
Nina Lynch: Okay, see where we're going here? Competition is normal and typical, we've all been there, right? But as high achievers, we're so often caught in toxic comparison that keeps us spinning in self-doubt and overwhelm instead of using healthy competition as fuel for our own journey.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, when you're stuck in toxic competition, you stay in survival mode. You're not creative, not focused on your unique strengths. You're not showing up as that killer version of yourself we know you can be. So let's do this. Let's talk about how to shift from the spiral of comparison into healthy competition that actually serves you. Shall we, high achievers?
Nina Lynch: When we do, we can stop obsessing over what everyone else is doing and start creating the results we actually want.
Kelle Cobble: Yes, in a nutshell. It's the difference between being bitter and being better.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, let's jump in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
This is Ambitious-ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle Cobble: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina Lynch: And I'm Nina. Hey, so Kel, did I tell you I signed up for that bike race again in May, that gravel race I did last year?
Kelle Cobble: Oh, so fun. Cool.
Nina Lynch: I don't know if you remember, you had just had surgery. I'm just remembering.
Kelle Cobble: Yes.
Nina Lynch: That was sort of a foggy zone.
Kelle Cobble: Totally, totally.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, this was a tricky time of year. But actually this year my spring and my summer have kind of flip-flopped. I was supposed to get surgery myself this month, March, and take spring to recover, but just found out my surgery was rescheduled for July. Ugh. So lots of white space in the calendar right now. So of course I'm filling it up with training and this race in May.
Kelle Cobble: That is so fun, yay. And I mean, of course you are, right? This is our year of fun. So we're putting fun stuff on the calendar, people. So will you actually race this year? I know last year it was kind of more of a ride, just getting back on your bike after the previous surgery.
Nina Lynch: Right, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. So I think I might actually race this year. Like, try to go fast and see how I do. I've never done that before. I'm a lifelong athlete but only like team sports. I've never really raced like, solo.
Kelle Cobble: Why do you think that is?
Nina Lynch: Well, I've been taking a look at that and I just love being on a team and moving towards goals together. I think I've been sort of afraid to race because it's just me out there. I guess I'm sort of unsure what I'll make it mean if I botch it or do poorly, all the what ifs.
Kelle Cobble: What you would make it mean.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, I think I'd make it mean that I failed on one hand, that I didn't get a top five finish, that I'm not good enough, that I was stupid to even try, that I'm too old. Jesus, brutal self-talk.
Kelle Cobble: All that's total BS, by the way.
Nina Lynch: Well, and when I listen to that talk, right, it almost gives me an excuse to not train as hard. Know what I mean? It's like, whatever, I'm just going to try and finish so I don't have to work so hard to prepare.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, yeah, which of course is fine, right? But that approach, sort of like coasting, it isn't going to help you grow or up-level, right? Which we all know goes against who you are at your core, Nina.
Nina Lynch: I know, right? It's so interesting. And when I call BS on it all, I actually feel like even if I don't finish top five in my age group, that's my goal this year, that I'll be so pumped that I worked hard to do it, that I'll learn something about myself along the way, almost get to know myself on a whole other level. It's like, I wonder who I'll become in the process, meeting my goals or not. So it was funny, I was on the Peloton this weekend, just, you know, churning and burning.
We can't ride outside here yet. The people who are crazy, in my opinion, love you, but you're bananas. The roads are dusty and it's just a tad too cold for me. But there were like these 30-year-olds on the leaderboard passing me on my Peloton. And at first I was like, okay, fine. You're like ten years younger than me, do you boo, me and Cody.
And then I sort of started getting pissed. I was like, wait, why are all these people passing me? And this competitive edge kicked in. And this is when I was like, wow, I feel really bitter right now as all of these like literally just digital names are passing me on a digital leaderboard It wasn't even real, you know, but it felt terrible and my riding got sloppy I went too hard too fast and I sort of bonked and had to recover for a bit to get back on track.
Kelle Cobble: I'm guessing there was no high-fiving from you on that leaderboard?
Nina Lynch: Actually, one person who I was tag-teaming with kept high-fiving me. And his hashtag was #chaseme. And it really woke me up to something.
Kelle Cobble: OK, What's that?
Nina Lynch: Well, it was just the difference between like toxic competition and healthy competition. I mean, when we can lift each other up and high-five each other, we all rise. I kind of shifted out of that fight mode, like eff-you mode, if you will, that survival state, into a more regulated place. And I got into my prefrontal cortex and started really thinking about how I could go faster without burning out. And I started playing around with my wattage and cadence and I really learned a lot.
Kelle Cobble: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Despite those guys passing you, right?
Nina Lynch: Yeah. I mean, that just wasn't a problem anymore. I learned a lot and I think it'll help me in May and really beyond.
Kelle Cobble: That's so interesting. It's something that every single one of our clients struggles with, right? This competition and specifically the difference between healthy competition that fuels you forward, that fuels them forward, and toxic competition that kind of keeps them stuck in that comparison, perfectionism loop, so to say. Like cue the burnout.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, totally. And this topic comes up all the time with clients. It's like the minute they start making progress, their brain immediately goes, “but look what she's doing.” “You're so behind,” or, “should be faster,” or, “you're doing everything wrong.”
Kelle Cobble: Totally. And listen, we get it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're probably ambitious and driven and you care about what you're building. So of course competition is going to show up.
Nina Lynch: Yeah and here's the thing, competition itself isn't bad. It honestly means you care in my opinion, you know. This black and white thinking though that we all do where competition is either good or bad, it's not helping us, right?
Kelle Cobble: It's not. And this is where that high achieving brain of yours and our clients needs some nuance. So competition, like many other things, exists on a spectrum, right? A rainbow of competition. And how it impacts you depends entirely on how you're relating to it.
Nina Lynch: Exactly. So today we're going to break down what toxic competition looks like, what healthy competition looks like, and how to shift from one to the other. Because trust us, as former toxic competitors ourselves, we've learned a thing or two here, right? Kelle and I were both athletes and most of our clients were athletes at one point, maybe in college or just on their chosen leaderboards, right? So competition's in our DNA as driven strivers.
Kelle Cobble: It's so true. Yeah, okay, so first, let's talk about what toxic competition actually feels like in your body. So Nina, what happens to you when you're in that toxic comparison space?
Nina Lynch: Oh god I can feel it right now. Just thinking about it, like my chest gets like hot and tight. My breathing's shallow. I just get clenched. I get this, there's sort of a pit in my stomach or like in my solar plexus. I think I'm angry sometimes too. It's like this urgent panicky feeling of, I'm going to fall behind, or maybe even I am behind, and I'm not good enough.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, I totally get that. And my brain immediately goes into this overthinking mode. I start spinning about all the things I should be doing differently, how I'm not measuring up, how I need to work harder and faster and be better.
Nina Lynch: Right, It's total survival mode. It's fight, flight, freeze, fawn. And what's happening is your brain is literally coding what you're seeing as a threat to your safety. So your nervous system gets activated, your critical thinking goes offline, and you're suddenly operating from this really primal place.
Kelle Cobble: And you know what happens when you're in survival mode like that, right? You're reactive, you're not proactive, you're not creative, you're not collaborative, you're not compassionate. Basically, you're not showing up as your best self and you definitely can't create your best work from that place.
Nina Lynch: Exactly. So what does toxic competition actually look like in real life, right? I think one of the classic signs is when you feel like you need to tear someone else down to feel better about yourself.
Kelle Cobble: Mmm, like throwing elbows, right?
Nina Lynch: Oh, totally. Remember those players who threw elbows and played sort of dirty?
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, yeah. So rough. Not fun. Ugh, those teams.
Nina Lynch: But blowing out someone else's candles doesn't make yours brighter. Like when you find yourself thinking, well, her business might be growing, but her content is terrible. Or sure, he got the promotion, but everyone knows he's playing politics.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, it's that sneaky little inner mean girl voice that tries to find the flaw in everyone else's success. And it feels like relief in the moment, right? But it doesn't actually help you in the long run.
Nina Lynch: It doesn't just feel like relief. It feels indulgent, doesn't it? Like gossip, even?
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, and it so isn't useful. Okay, another sign of toxic competition is obsessive comparison. So, this is when you're constantly checking what the competitors are doing, like stalking their social media or signing up for their email lists, watching their every move.
Nina Lynch: Oh my God. I feel like we've done this, Kel. I've done it, right?
Kelle Cobble: Of course!
Nina Lynch: Totally, I once signed up for every single competitor's email list. I mean, we couldn't have done every single one, but it felt that way. I was like, let me see what she's doing, right? With a fake name so I could see what they were doing. I was spending more time tracking them than working on my own stuff.
Kelle Cobble: No, total energy drain, total waste of time. And did that make you feel like better or worse?
Nina Lynch: So much worse, period, exclamation point. It was like this endless spiral. And the problem with this kind of comparison is that you're only seeing their highlight reel, right? You don't see their struggles, their doubts, the 10 failed attempts before they got it right.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, you're comparing your messy middle to their polished final product, their highlight reel even, and that's never gonna feel good. Okay, so another sign of toxic competition is when you feel like there's not enough to go around, like this scarcity mindset, it's like poison to us ambitious women.
Nina Lynch: Totally, and it's the belief that if someone else succeeds, it's like there's less opportunity for you, right? Like if they get the client, you lose. If they get recognized, you're overlooked. Like, no, that's not how it works, but that's how it feels. Yeah.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, we just had a conversation with a client about this exact same thing so it's been coming up a lot lately, and it shows up in big ways and in subtle ways to like when you're hesitant to celebrate someone else's win because it makes you feel bad about yourself. Or when you feel resentful when a colleague or a friend succeeds, you're kind of like, I mean, “Congrats, but…”
Nina Lynch: This is so normal and we see it in our clients all the time. This is the human experience, but it's such a limiting way to approach your work and your relationships. Okay, so that's what toxic competition looks like. Let's talk about what healthy competition looks like because that's a totally different energy.
Kelle Cobble: Yes, yes. Okay, healthy competition actually feels good in your body. It feels like excitement and motivation, maybe even some nervousness. We had a client that would call it nervous-cited, right? But not that pit-in-your-stomach dread we talked about earlier.
It's like when you're playing a sport you love. There's an opponent, yes, but the game itself is fun. You're pushing yourself because you want to improve, not because you're terrified of losing.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, exactly. You're not playing against the other person, you're playing with them. They're helping you level up. So what are some signs that you're in healthy competition? First I'd say it's when you can genuinely celebrate other people's success.
Kelle Cobble: Yes, yeah. When you see someone in your industry doing well and your first thought is, “good for them,” instead of, “ugh, why not me?” Now that is healthy competition.
Nina Lynch: I was actually thinking of a ride I did a couple years ago and I was climbing up this short surge of a climb and I pass this person and they go, “You go girl.” I'm good. It was so cute. And it's just those small moments that are so meaningful that like I still remember to this day.
So anyway, another sign is that you're focused on improving your own work rather than tearing down someone else's. You're using what you see in the market as inspiration, not as a weapon against yourself.
So we can kind of see this as like envy being an indicator, right? That there's something you admire about that person that you're inspired by, instead of holding it against them or weapon… holding it against yourself. Your brain is in problem-solving mode, not panic mode. You're thinking, how can I differentiate myself here, right? What unique value can I bring? What can I learn from what I'm seeing? I love that.
Kelle Cobble: Mmm. Yeah, so good. So good. Yeah, you're in an abundant mind… Yes, you're in this abundance mindset believing there's room for everyone to succeed, including you And this is so important for high achieving women, especially. We're taught from a young age to compete with each other.
There's that, that there are limited spots at the table for us, but that's just not true. So this conversation, it makes me think of all the incredible real estate agents we know, right?
Nina Lynch: Yes.
Kelle Cobble: Of course, they're competitors, but so many of them are also friends. We know a lot of them really well. They hang out together. They go on vacations and trips together. And it's really cool to witness. So shout out to all of our realtor friends.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, because they're all entrepreneurs and they could be competitors, right? Kel, they could be, you know, vying for the same properties and clients.
Kelle Cobble: They kind of are. Yeah.
Nina Lynch: Yeah. But the energy we see that they exude, that they exemplify and show us and model for us is really rad. There's room for all of us, is our point here, you know? And honestly, your clients, your audience, your ideal opportunities, they're looking for you specifically. They want your unique approach, your specific energy, your particular way of solving problems.
Kelle Cobble: Yes. Yeah. Copying someone else doesn't even work anyway, because what makes any offering truly valuable is the unique perspective and energy that you bring it. Okay, so how do we shift from toxic to healthy competition? Because let's be real, Most of us default to the toxic kind without even realizing it.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, totally. And that makes perfect sense. It's just, it doesn't have to be a problem, right? So the first step is just awareness. Notice when you're slipping into comparison mode. Pay attention to what happens in your body when you start comparing yourself to others. That knot in your stomach, those are your signs, right? The clench. Once you notice, you can interrupt the pattern. We love to teach clients a simple pattern interrupt.
Stand up, shake it off, take a deep breath, right? Actually, breathe and pause, pause and breathe is probably, yeah, like the best thing you can do in that moment.
Kelle Cobble: We literally did that with a client like 2 hours ago. Okay, so physical movement is so key. It literally helps you shift your nervous system out of that fight, flight, freeze response and back into a regulated state. And then from there, you can choose a different thought instead of thinking something like, “I'm falling behind,” try, “we're all on different paths,” or, “their success doesn't limit mine.”
Nina Lynch: Yeah, another powerful shift is to focus on cooperation, collaboration over competition. How can you collaborate with these people you've been seeing as threats, right? How can you support each other?
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, some of our closest allies and collaborators started as people we viewed as competitors.
Nina Lynch: I mean, that was us, right, Kel? Technically, we started as competitors. We were both coaches in our small town with the same niche. But when we started collaborating, that was the gold. That's when the magic really happened.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. And I just have to say, I go back to that time when I was like, “hey, can you help me with this fundraiser?” And we just kind of started working together. And then one of our clients asked us to both coach her together. And we're like, “huh, okay, We can do that.” And it was so fun. And we're just like, okay, this is like some magic happening for sure.
Nina Lynch: This is the beginning of something. Yeah, totally.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. So that's the background. But okay, how about this? What about when you genuinely do need to stay competitive in your industry, when there actually is limited opportunity?
Nina Lynch: Killer question, right? Even in truly competitive environments, You'll perform better when you're in a healthy competitive mindset. Think about top athletes. They respect their opponents. They learn from them. They even become friends with them. And they focus on their own performance, not on sabotaging someone else's. Well, except for that one figure skater.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, right. I was just thinking that.
Nina Lynch: There's one outlier, but you know what we're saying, right? They know the one thing they can control is how they show up.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. Some of you know, we have the US ski team based here in Park City, and I just love watching the competitors come down their respective runs or their course and hug their competitors or, you know, high five them. I mean, tackle them, right? I mean, they've grown up with each other. They've grown up together. They've grown up racing together. And it's so cool to see a killer example for our kids and the next generation.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, I'm just stunned, honestly, about how many Olympians are in our town, how grounded and lovely they are, and of course competitive, but so generous with their time and energy and insight. We were with an Olympian yesterday, right, Kelle? We had no idea.
Kelle Cobble: He's so humble. Yeah.
Nina Lynch: So humble. I think in a nutshell, I kind of call this sportsmanship, right? Healthy competition is being a sportsman. It's sportsmanship. It's so key.
Kelle Cobble: Exactly. Okay, so here are our top strategies for maintaining healthy competition. So first, limit your exposure to triggers. So if checking certain social media accounts sends you into a comparison spiral, mute them or take breaks from those platforms.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, we were talking to someone today who was just compare and despair on Instagram, right? It's so common. So okay, second, keep a wins folder, like a victory journal, where you save positive feedback. I love a victory journal. It's so helpful to look back on. You know, this is your accomplishments, moments you're proud of, and review this when comparison strikes.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, I love that. And the third is focus on your unique strengths and differentiators. So what you bring to the table that no one else can.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, I mean, there are so many lists we could make here, right? We just don't do it. We're so focused on their lane. We neglect our own. Fourth, fourth here, celebrate others' success genuinely. Send that congratulatory text, share their win. It trains your brain to see abundance, to see success.
Kelle Cobble: And finally, remember your why. So competition gets toxic when we lose sight of why we're doing this in the first place. When you reconnect with your purpose, your why, other people's journeys become less threatening.
Nina Lynch: Yes, to all of that, right? And I think it's worth mentioning that this is ongoing practice, ongoing work. It's not like you solve your competition issues once and they're gone forever, right?
Kelle Cobble: Definitely not. This is something we're constantly working on with our clients and ourselves. It's a practice. I mean, that negativity bias that wants others to fail so we succeed, or at least we feel better about ourselves, is just not helpful.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, survival of the fittest isn't necessary anymore. That's our primal, primitive brain, and it does not need to keep us alive in that way anymore. Okay, so let's recap. Toxic competition keeps you in survival mode, focuses on scarcity, and ultimately holds you back from creating your best work. While healthy competition energizes you, helps you improve, and allows you to celebrate others while still pursuing your own goals, up-leveling yourself.
And the key to shifting from toxic to healthy is awareness of your triggers, interrupting those comparison spirals, and consciously choosing a more abundant, sufficient mindset.
Kelle Cobble: In other words, shifting, like you said, from bitter to better. So listen, the next time you feel that knot in your stomach when you see a competitor's post, just pause, take a breath, shake it off, literally shake it off, and remind yourself there's room for all of us, including you.
Nina Lynch: Yes, your success doesn't depend on someone else's failure. You can be inspired by others without being threatened by them.
And let me tell you, bringing it back to the bike, when you blow by me on a fast flat, you can rest assured knowing I am effing cheering for you. Okay? So keep going, go hard because it helps me go harder too.
Kelle Cobble: Get it. That jealousy and shit talking just is so unnecessary anyway and so unproductive. I mean, isn't the whole point of getting older and wiser to be more caring and helpful and kind to yourself and everyone else?
Nina Lynch: I mean, theoretically, yeah. Well, I don't ever want to be that other woman, ever.
Kelle Cobble: No. I mean, if we're being real, we have to get on the same side with ourselves first. Get our acts together, right? And then we can get aligned with each other. And that's how we change the world, being on each other's teams.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, when your tide rises, mine does too. And I mean it team, when you blow by me, I'm cheering you. Kelle and I both are, right? And we hope you'll cheer for us. I hope you'll cheer for me. If you see me out there on my bike, wave. I need it.
Kelle Cobble: Yes. Don't honk though. That's really annoying.
Nina Lynch: Please don't honk. Anyway, it sounds corny, but maybe we just love to love over here. I don't know. We love to love. It feels so much better than hate.
Kelle Cobble: A thousand percent. And hey, if you're struggling with toxic competition and comparison, you are not alone. This is something all of our clients work through and it's absolutely something you can shift with the right support.
Nina Lynch: That's right. If you want to dive deeper into this work, consider coaching with us. We help ambitious women just like you break free from these patterns and create success on your own terms. You can find all the details in the show notes or head to https://www.kelleandnina.com/ to learn more. Okay, that's all for today. Thanks for being here with us.
Kelle Cobble: See you next time on Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Kelle Cobble: Or that flash of panic when someone in your industry launches something big before you?
Nina Lynch: Okay, see where we're going here? Competition is normal and typical, we've all been there, right? But as high achievers, we're so often caught in toxic comparison that keeps us spinning in self-doubt and overwhelm instead of using healthy competition as fuel for our own journey.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, when you're stuck in toxic competition, you stay in survival mode. You're not creative, not focused on your unique strengths. You're not showing up as that killer version of yourself we know you can be. So let's do this. Let's talk about how to shift from the spiral of comparison into healthy competition that actually serves you. Shall we, high achievers?
Nina Lynch: When we do, we can stop obsessing over what everyone else is doing and start creating the results we actually want.
Kelle Cobble: Yes, in a nutshell. It's the difference between being bitter and being better.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, let's jump in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
This is Ambitious-ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle Cobble: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina Lynch: And I'm Nina. Hey, so Kel, did I tell you I signed up for that bike race again in May, that gravel race I did last year?
Kelle Cobble: Oh, so fun. Cool.
Nina Lynch: I don't know if you remember, you had just had surgery. I'm just remembering.
Kelle Cobble: Yes.
Nina Lynch: That was sort of a foggy zone.
Kelle Cobble: Totally, totally.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, this was a tricky time of year. But actually this year my spring and my summer have kind of flip-flopped. I was supposed to get surgery myself this month, March, and take spring to recover, but just found out my surgery was rescheduled for July. Ugh. So lots of white space in the calendar right now. So of course I'm filling it up with training and this race in May.
Kelle Cobble: That is so fun, yay. And I mean, of course you are, right? This is our year of fun. So we're putting fun stuff on the calendar, people. So will you actually race this year? I know last year it was kind of more of a ride, just getting back on your bike after the previous surgery.
Nina Lynch: Right, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. So I think I might actually race this year. Like, try to go fast and see how I do. I've never done that before. I'm a lifelong athlete but only like team sports. I've never really raced like, solo.
Kelle Cobble: Why do you think that is?
Nina Lynch: Well, I've been taking a look at that and I just love being on a team and moving towards goals together. I think I've been sort of afraid to race because it's just me out there. I guess I'm sort of unsure what I'll make it mean if I botch it or do poorly, all the what ifs.
Kelle Cobble: What you would make it mean.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, I think I'd make it mean that I failed on one hand, that I didn't get a top five finish, that I'm not good enough, that I was stupid to even try, that I'm too old. Jesus, brutal self-talk.
Kelle Cobble: All that's total BS, by the way.
Nina Lynch: Well, and when I listen to that talk, right, it almost gives me an excuse to not train as hard. Know what I mean? It's like, whatever, I'm just going to try and finish so I don't have to work so hard to prepare.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, yeah, which of course is fine, right? But that approach, sort of like coasting, it isn't going to help you grow or up-level, right? Which we all know goes against who you are at your core, Nina.
Nina Lynch: I know, right? It's so interesting. And when I call BS on it all, I actually feel like even if I don't finish top five in my age group, that's my goal this year, that I'll be so pumped that I worked hard to do it, that I'll learn something about myself along the way, almost get to know myself on a whole other level. It's like, I wonder who I'll become in the process, meeting my goals or not. So it was funny, I was on the Peloton this weekend, just, you know, churning and burning.
We can't ride outside here yet. The people who are crazy, in my opinion, love you, but you're bananas. The roads are dusty and it's just a tad too cold for me. But there were like these 30-year-olds on the leaderboard passing me on my Peloton. And at first I was like, okay, fine. You're like ten years younger than me, do you boo, me and Cody.
And then I sort of started getting pissed. I was like, wait, why are all these people passing me? And this competitive edge kicked in. And this is when I was like, wow, I feel really bitter right now as all of these like literally just digital names are passing me on a digital leaderboard It wasn't even real, you know, but it felt terrible and my riding got sloppy I went too hard too fast and I sort of bonked and had to recover for a bit to get back on track.
Kelle Cobble: I'm guessing there was no high-fiving from you on that leaderboard?
Nina Lynch: Actually, one person who I was tag-teaming with kept high-fiving me. And his hashtag was #chaseme. And it really woke me up to something.
Kelle Cobble: OK, What's that?
Nina Lynch: Well, it was just the difference between like toxic competition and healthy competition. I mean, when we can lift each other up and high-five each other, we all rise. I kind of shifted out of that fight mode, like eff-you mode, if you will, that survival state, into a more regulated place. And I got into my prefrontal cortex and started really thinking about how I could go faster without burning out. And I started playing around with my wattage and cadence and I really learned a lot.
Kelle Cobble: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Despite those guys passing you, right?
Nina Lynch: Yeah. I mean, that just wasn't a problem anymore. I learned a lot and I think it'll help me in May and really beyond.
Kelle Cobble: That's so interesting. It's something that every single one of our clients struggles with, right? This competition and specifically the difference between healthy competition that fuels you forward, that fuels them forward, and toxic competition that kind of keeps them stuck in that comparison, perfectionism loop, so to say. Like cue the burnout.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, totally. And this topic comes up all the time with clients. It's like the minute they start making progress, their brain immediately goes, “but look what she's doing.” “You're so behind,” or, “should be faster,” or, “you're doing everything wrong.”
Kelle Cobble: Totally. And listen, we get it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're probably ambitious and driven and you care about what you're building. So of course competition is going to show up.
Nina Lynch: Yeah and here's the thing, competition itself isn't bad. It honestly means you care in my opinion, you know. This black and white thinking though that we all do where competition is either good or bad, it's not helping us, right?
Kelle Cobble: It's not. And this is where that high achieving brain of yours and our clients needs some nuance. So competition, like many other things, exists on a spectrum, right? A rainbow of competition. And how it impacts you depends entirely on how you're relating to it.
Nina Lynch: Exactly. So today we're going to break down what toxic competition looks like, what healthy competition looks like, and how to shift from one to the other. Because trust us, as former toxic competitors ourselves, we've learned a thing or two here, right? Kelle and I were both athletes and most of our clients were athletes at one point, maybe in college or just on their chosen leaderboards, right? So competition's in our DNA as driven strivers.
Kelle Cobble: It's so true. Yeah, okay, so first, let's talk about what toxic competition actually feels like in your body. So Nina, what happens to you when you're in that toxic comparison space?
Nina Lynch: Oh god I can feel it right now. Just thinking about it, like my chest gets like hot and tight. My breathing's shallow. I just get clenched. I get this, there's sort of a pit in my stomach or like in my solar plexus. I think I'm angry sometimes too. It's like this urgent panicky feeling of, I'm going to fall behind, or maybe even I am behind, and I'm not good enough.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, I totally get that. And my brain immediately goes into this overthinking mode. I start spinning about all the things I should be doing differently, how I'm not measuring up, how I need to work harder and faster and be better.
Nina Lynch: Right, It's total survival mode. It's fight, flight, freeze, fawn. And what's happening is your brain is literally coding what you're seeing as a threat to your safety. So your nervous system gets activated, your critical thinking goes offline, and you're suddenly operating from this really primal place.
Kelle Cobble: And you know what happens when you're in survival mode like that, right? You're reactive, you're not proactive, you're not creative, you're not collaborative, you're not compassionate. Basically, you're not showing up as your best self and you definitely can't create your best work from that place.
Nina Lynch: Exactly. So what does toxic competition actually look like in real life, right? I think one of the classic signs is when you feel like you need to tear someone else down to feel better about yourself.
Kelle Cobble: Mmm, like throwing elbows, right?
Nina Lynch: Oh, totally. Remember those players who threw elbows and played sort of dirty?
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, yeah. So rough. Not fun. Ugh, those teams.
Nina Lynch: But blowing out someone else's candles doesn't make yours brighter. Like when you find yourself thinking, well, her business might be growing, but her content is terrible. Or sure, he got the promotion, but everyone knows he's playing politics.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, it's that sneaky little inner mean girl voice that tries to find the flaw in everyone else's success. And it feels like relief in the moment, right? But it doesn't actually help you in the long run.
Nina Lynch: It doesn't just feel like relief. It feels indulgent, doesn't it? Like gossip, even?
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, and it so isn't useful. Okay, another sign of toxic competition is obsessive comparison. So, this is when you're constantly checking what the competitors are doing, like stalking their social media or signing up for their email lists, watching their every move.
Nina Lynch: Oh my God. I feel like we've done this, Kel. I've done it, right?
Kelle Cobble: Of course!
Nina Lynch: Totally, I once signed up for every single competitor's email list. I mean, we couldn't have done every single one, but it felt that way. I was like, let me see what she's doing, right? With a fake name so I could see what they were doing. I was spending more time tracking them than working on my own stuff.
Kelle Cobble: No, total energy drain, total waste of time. And did that make you feel like better or worse?
Nina Lynch: So much worse, period, exclamation point. It was like this endless spiral. And the problem with this kind of comparison is that you're only seeing their highlight reel, right? You don't see their struggles, their doubts, the 10 failed attempts before they got it right.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, you're comparing your messy middle to their polished final product, their highlight reel even, and that's never gonna feel good. Okay, so another sign of toxic competition is when you feel like there's not enough to go around, like this scarcity mindset, it's like poison to us ambitious women.
Nina Lynch: Totally, and it's the belief that if someone else succeeds, it's like there's less opportunity for you, right? Like if they get the client, you lose. If they get recognized, you're overlooked. Like, no, that's not how it works, but that's how it feels. Yeah.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, we just had a conversation with a client about this exact same thing so it's been coming up a lot lately, and it shows up in big ways and in subtle ways to like when you're hesitant to celebrate someone else's win because it makes you feel bad about yourself. Or when you feel resentful when a colleague or a friend succeeds, you're kind of like, I mean, “Congrats, but…”
Nina Lynch: This is so normal and we see it in our clients all the time. This is the human experience, but it's such a limiting way to approach your work and your relationships. Okay, so that's what toxic competition looks like. Let's talk about what healthy competition looks like because that's a totally different energy.
Kelle Cobble: Yes, yes. Okay, healthy competition actually feels good in your body. It feels like excitement and motivation, maybe even some nervousness. We had a client that would call it nervous-cited, right? But not that pit-in-your-stomach dread we talked about earlier.
It's like when you're playing a sport you love. There's an opponent, yes, but the game itself is fun. You're pushing yourself because you want to improve, not because you're terrified of losing.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, exactly. You're not playing against the other person, you're playing with them. They're helping you level up. So what are some signs that you're in healthy competition? First I'd say it's when you can genuinely celebrate other people's success.
Kelle Cobble: Yes, yeah. When you see someone in your industry doing well and your first thought is, “good for them,” instead of, “ugh, why not me?” Now that is healthy competition.
Nina Lynch: I was actually thinking of a ride I did a couple years ago and I was climbing up this short surge of a climb and I pass this person and they go, “You go girl.” I'm good. It was so cute. And it's just those small moments that are so meaningful that like I still remember to this day.
So anyway, another sign is that you're focused on improving your own work rather than tearing down someone else's. You're using what you see in the market as inspiration, not as a weapon against yourself.
So we can kind of see this as like envy being an indicator, right? That there's something you admire about that person that you're inspired by, instead of holding it against them or weapon… holding it against yourself. Your brain is in problem-solving mode, not panic mode. You're thinking, how can I differentiate myself here, right? What unique value can I bring? What can I learn from what I'm seeing? I love that.
Kelle Cobble: Mmm. Yeah, so good. So good. Yeah, you're in an abundant mind… Yes, you're in this abundance mindset believing there's room for everyone to succeed, including you And this is so important for high achieving women, especially. We're taught from a young age to compete with each other.
There's that, that there are limited spots at the table for us, but that's just not true. So this conversation, it makes me think of all the incredible real estate agents we know, right?
Nina Lynch: Yes.
Kelle Cobble: Of course, they're competitors, but so many of them are also friends. We know a lot of them really well. They hang out together. They go on vacations and trips together. And it's really cool to witness. So shout out to all of our realtor friends.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, because they're all entrepreneurs and they could be competitors, right? Kel, they could be, you know, vying for the same properties and clients.
Kelle Cobble: They kind of are. Yeah.
Nina Lynch: Yeah. But the energy we see that they exude, that they exemplify and show us and model for us is really rad. There's room for all of us, is our point here, you know? And honestly, your clients, your audience, your ideal opportunities, they're looking for you specifically. They want your unique approach, your specific energy, your particular way of solving problems.
Kelle Cobble: Yes. Yeah. Copying someone else doesn't even work anyway, because what makes any offering truly valuable is the unique perspective and energy that you bring it. Okay, so how do we shift from toxic to healthy competition? Because let's be real, Most of us default to the toxic kind without even realizing it.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, totally. And that makes perfect sense. It's just, it doesn't have to be a problem, right? So the first step is just awareness. Notice when you're slipping into comparison mode. Pay attention to what happens in your body when you start comparing yourself to others. That knot in your stomach, those are your signs, right? The clench. Once you notice, you can interrupt the pattern. We love to teach clients a simple pattern interrupt.
Stand up, shake it off, take a deep breath, right? Actually, breathe and pause, pause and breathe is probably, yeah, like the best thing you can do in that moment.
Kelle Cobble: We literally did that with a client like 2 hours ago. Okay, so physical movement is so key. It literally helps you shift your nervous system out of that fight, flight, freeze response and back into a regulated state. And then from there, you can choose a different thought instead of thinking something like, “I'm falling behind,” try, “we're all on different paths,” or, “their success doesn't limit mine.”
Nina Lynch: Yeah, another powerful shift is to focus on cooperation, collaboration over competition. How can you collaborate with these people you've been seeing as threats, right? How can you support each other?
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, some of our closest allies and collaborators started as people we viewed as competitors.
Nina Lynch: I mean, that was us, right, Kel? Technically, we started as competitors. We were both coaches in our small town with the same niche. But when we started collaborating, that was the gold. That's when the magic really happened.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. And I just have to say, I go back to that time when I was like, “hey, can you help me with this fundraiser?” And we just kind of started working together. And then one of our clients asked us to both coach her together. And we're like, “huh, okay, We can do that.” And it was so fun. And we're just like, okay, this is like some magic happening for sure.
Nina Lynch: This is the beginning of something. Yeah, totally.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. So that's the background. But okay, how about this? What about when you genuinely do need to stay competitive in your industry, when there actually is limited opportunity?
Nina Lynch: Killer question, right? Even in truly competitive environments, You'll perform better when you're in a healthy competitive mindset. Think about top athletes. They respect their opponents. They learn from them. They even become friends with them. And they focus on their own performance, not on sabotaging someone else's. Well, except for that one figure skater.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, right. I was just thinking that.
Nina Lynch: There's one outlier, but you know what we're saying, right? They know the one thing they can control is how they show up.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah. Some of you know, we have the US ski team based here in Park City, and I just love watching the competitors come down their respective runs or their course and hug their competitors or, you know, high five them. I mean, tackle them, right? I mean, they've grown up with each other. They've grown up together. They've grown up racing together. And it's so cool to see a killer example for our kids and the next generation.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, I'm just stunned, honestly, about how many Olympians are in our town, how grounded and lovely they are, and of course competitive, but so generous with their time and energy and insight. We were with an Olympian yesterday, right, Kelle? We had no idea.
Kelle Cobble: He's so humble. Yeah.
Nina Lynch: So humble. I think in a nutshell, I kind of call this sportsmanship, right? Healthy competition is being a sportsman. It's sportsmanship. It's so key.
Kelle Cobble: Exactly. Okay, so here are our top strategies for maintaining healthy competition. So first, limit your exposure to triggers. So if checking certain social media accounts sends you into a comparison spiral, mute them or take breaks from those platforms.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, we were talking to someone today who was just compare and despair on Instagram, right? It's so common. So okay, second, keep a wins folder, like a victory journal, where you save positive feedback. I love a victory journal. It's so helpful to look back on. You know, this is your accomplishments, moments you're proud of, and review this when comparison strikes.
Kelle Cobble: Yeah, I love that. And the third is focus on your unique strengths and differentiators. So what you bring to the table that no one else can.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, I mean, there are so many lists we could make here, right? We just don't do it. We're so focused on their lane. We neglect our own. Fourth, fourth here, celebrate others' success genuinely. Send that congratulatory text, share their win. It trains your brain to see abundance, to see success.
Kelle Cobble: And finally, remember your why. So competition gets toxic when we lose sight of why we're doing this in the first place. When you reconnect with your purpose, your why, other people's journeys become less threatening.
Nina Lynch: Yes, to all of that, right? And I think it's worth mentioning that this is ongoing practice, ongoing work. It's not like you solve your competition issues once and they're gone forever, right?
Kelle Cobble: Definitely not. This is something we're constantly working on with our clients and ourselves. It's a practice. I mean, that negativity bias that wants others to fail so we succeed, or at least we feel better about ourselves, is just not helpful.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, survival of the fittest isn't necessary anymore. That's our primal, primitive brain, and it does not need to keep us alive in that way anymore. Okay, so let's recap. Toxic competition keeps you in survival mode, focuses on scarcity, and ultimately holds you back from creating your best work. While healthy competition energizes you, helps you improve, and allows you to celebrate others while still pursuing your own goals, up-leveling yourself.
And the key to shifting from toxic to healthy is awareness of your triggers, interrupting those comparison spirals, and consciously choosing a more abundant, sufficient mindset.
Kelle Cobble: In other words, shifting, like you said, from bitter to better. So listen, the next time you feel that knot in your stomach when you see a competitor's post, just pause, take a breath, shake it off, literally shake it off, and remind yourself there's room for all of us, including you.
Nina Lynch: Yes, your success doesn't depend on someone else's failure. You can be inspired by others without being threatened by them.
And let me tell you, bringing it back to the bike, when you blow by me on a fast flat, you can rest assured knowing I am effing cheering for you. Okay? So keep going, go hard because it helps me go harder too.
Kelle Cobble: Get it. That jealousy and shit talking just is so unnecessary anyway and so unproductive. I mean, isn't the whole point of getting older and wiser to be more caring and helpful and kind to yourself and everyone else?
Nina Lynch: I mean, theoretically, yeah. Well, I don't ever want to be that other woman, ever.
Kelle Cobble: No. I mean, if we're being real, we have to get on the same side with ourselves first. Get our acts together, right? And then we can get aligned with each other. And that's how we change the world, being on each other's teams.
Nina Lynch: Yeah, when your tide rises, mine does too. And I mean it team, when you blow by me, I'm cheering you. Kelle and I both are, right? And we hope you'll cheer for us. I hope you'll cheer for me. If you see me out there on my bike, wave. I need it.
Kelle Cobble: Yes. Don't honk though. That's really annoying.
Nina Lynch: Please don't honk. Anyway, it sounds corny, but maybe we just love to love over here. I don't know. We love to love. It feels so much better than hate.
Kelle Cobble: A thousand percent. And hey, if you're struggling with toxic competition and comparison, you are not alone. This is something all of our clients work through and it's absolutely something you can shift with the right support.
Nina Lynch: That's right. If you want to dive deeper into this work, consider coaching with us. We help ambitious women just like you break free from these patterns and create success on your own terms. You can find all the details in the show notes or head to https://www.kelleandnina.com/ to learn more. Okay, that's all for today. Thanks for being here with us.
Kelle Cobble: See you next time on Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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