57. Getting Triggered? 3 Practices for Nervous System Resilience
Have you ever found yourself snapping at a colleague, fighting back tears in a meeting, or losing your cool over a simple mistake? Those moments when emotion takes over and your rational brain seems to shut down can leave you feeling embarrassed and unprofessional. What if these emotional outbursts aren't signs of weakness, but simply your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do?
What we commonly call "getting triggered" isn't something that happens to us—it happens within us. When someone's behavior or words seem to set us off, it's actually activating an unhealed wound inside ourselves. Our nervous system codes this as a threat and launches into fight-or-flight mode, causing us to react rather than respond thoughtfully.
In this episode, we unpack the science behind these emotional reactions and share practical tools to help you regulate your nervous system. We explore how our conditioning to suppress emotions actually makes us less resilient. By understanding your unique stress profile and implementing three foundational practices, you can expand your window of tolerance and respond to stressful situations with clarity instead of chaos.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why suppressing emotions actually narrows your window of tolerance for stress rather than expanding it.
How to recognize when you're in survival mode and shift back into your prefrontal cortex for better decision-making.
The three foundational practices that create a resilient nervous system.
How to identify your unique stress profile by recognizing your physical, mental, and behavioral responses to triggers.
The importance of balancing masculine and feminine energy for overall well-being.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Nina Lynch: Ever found yourself snapping at your colleagues, on the verge of tears in a meeting, or struggling to keep your composure when you get feedback?
Kelle Cobble: Maybe it's at home, maybe at work, or in your car, maybe in a certain relationship, and it just keeps happening. You get triggered.
Nina: What if the key to keeping your cool in those high-stress moments isn't about being tougher or more stoic, but about understanding your body's natural responses.
Kelle: All right. In this episode, we're going to uncover surprising science behind being triggered and how mastering your nervous system might just be the secret to keeping your cool, no matter what life throws at you.
Nina: Yeah, if that sounds amazing, you're in the right place. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. So today we're talking about, in a nutshell, those emotional outbursts you have that you really aren't so proud of.
Kelle: Yeah, our clients call this getting triggered. I don't really love that word, right?
Nina: Yeah, yeah, right. I mean, when you're triggered, it might look one way for you and another for me, right, Kel? And depending on the circumstances, too.
Kelle: Yes, when we're triggered, we express emotion, right? It's not always the emotion we want to express, but that's what happens. Sometimes people yell or snap or cry or just emote, right? In so many ways.
Nina: Yeah. Other people shut down and withdraw, right? Some flip the bird.
Kelle: And this makes complete sense. Let's just define trigger the way we do with clients here. Right, Nina?
Nina: Yeah, when clients come to us and say they were triggered by something someone said, for example, or someone's behavior. We try to reframe that by explaining that a trigger is actually an unhealed wound. One of your unhealed wounds.
Kelle: Yes. Yes. A trigger doesn't happen to you. It happens like inside of you, within you. So does that make sense?
Nina: Yeah, I think this might be a new concept to people, right? So, another way to say this is some part of you was hurt in a similar way a long time ago, so your nervous system responds in fight or flight. It's coding something as a threat. And so when we're triggered, we usually respond in a dysregulated way. The key here is to learn to respond to our triggers, not react or overreact in fight or flight.
Kelle: Because when we do, we're not showing up as our critical thinking best self. We're not curious or collaborative or creative or intuitive.
Nina: Yeah. Kelle always says, when emotion is high, thinking is low. So when we're triggered, we react in an emotional way. And of course, we shame ourselves for it. Right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's almost like we lose control of ourselves, right? It's like we lose control and then we act out and then we get pissed at ourselves and beat ourselves up for it, right?
Nina: Totally.
Kelle: And I think it's because we make vulnerability mean that we're unprofessional or we're too emotional or so like female or weak, right? Cue that shame spiral.
Nina: Yeah. And this makes complete sense, rock stars, right? Because when we were hunters and gatherers way back in the day in tribes, showing too much emotion made us unreliable for survival in the pack, in the tribe. And therefore, we were more susceptible to predators if we were abandoned. So we evolved to conceal any and all emotion for survival.
And over time, this might have looked like a parent or caregiver saying, you know, don't cry, turn that frown upside down, walk it off, suck it up, or even, you know, don't wear your heart on your sleeve.
Kelle: Yeah. And I don't know about you, but I have been called stoic like many, many times because I learned from a young age how to shut all that off and not feel, and just be like, bring it. I can take whatever you got for me, right?
Nina: Yeah, and human socialized as women, right, Kel?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes, they have, well, we, right, have the mindset that we have to do everything for everyone, always. Which, of course, creates this pressure chamber of overwhelm and stress on the daily.
Nina: That ragey, ticky time bomb feeling? Does it make a little more sense now?
Kelle: Oh my god, when you feel that heat coming on and you're just like, okay, nobody F with me right now because I'm literally gonna blow. All right. We know you're passionate, rockstar, right? We know you're driven and listen, we love your ambition.
Nina: But listen, when critical feedback or setbacks at work or the driver's going too slow in the left lane, or your lack of patience at home activate you on repeat, it might mean it's time to check in and get curious about your triggers.
Kelle: The solution here isn't to quit your job. I swear to you, quitting your job is not going to solve your time management issues, okay? You can complain to HR, you can send your kid to boarding school or go on vacation. None of those are going to help your time management problems. Okay?
Nina: Yeah, they're not gonna solve your problems. First, we have to go inward and undo the beliefs and conditioning that are keeping you stuck reacting in a dysregulated way, instead of responding from a regulated one.
Kelle: Yeah, we have to reconnect your mind and your body. So your brain, right, with your body, like with somatics, what we call somatics. And that's where we're going to go today.
Nina: Yeah, today we're going to talk about what nervous system regulation means and looks like and we'll give you a few tools to practice so you can be more resilient when your nervous system shifts into survival.
Kelle: That's really what regulation is. When we talk about a regulated nervous system, we mean one that's resilient. Okay, so this client came on to the coaching call with us so overwhelmed, so frustrated, and resentful. And this is how she explained it: “I'm overwhelmed and drowning. They keep missing things and getting behind on things. The volume of work I have is unreal. It's embarrassing. All the mistakes that they make, like spelling the prospect's name in lowercase and then misquoting the spokesperson, I couldn't believe it. I was at my wits end, and I was passive-aggressive and totally snapped at them.”
Nina: Can we all relate here? I mean, spelling the client's name in lowercase or whatever, right? These are, we can all relate here. I mean, have you ever been blown away by someone's performance? Like in a disappointing way, Kel? I'm not going to blow your mind, killer way, but kind of the opposite.
Kelle: Yeah, of course. And I mean, this client that I'm thinking of here, she is a perfectionist to the core, right? And she has certain standards. Of course, she owns the company, right? She runs this thing, and she expects the people on her team to meet her standards.
And this is what it looks like when clients come to us on a call. And this is how we help them out. We just help them regulate their nervous system. Come from this like high-emotion place to a more calm and balanced place where they can put on their CEO cap, right? And really function in a regulated way.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, I know I always feel like such a monster after I respond in a dysregulated way, right? Like, I really feel like a toddler. It is like the definition of emotional childhood and what we do with clients and what Kelle and I've learned over time with coaching is, you know, we shift and practice emotional adulthood. Right, Kel?
Nina: It's so true. And one of our coaches used to call that part of our brain, that amygdala, that caveman response, to a toddler with a knife. So when your brain is just like a toddler with a knife walking around and you have no idea what's going to happen because you're no longer in control, right?
Kelle: Totally. And then like we say, once you come to, which actually means once you get regulated and move into your prefrontal cortex and critical thinking, you're kind of ashamed almost immediately, right? You go from seeing red to just wanting to cry.
Nina: Yes. Yeah.
Kelle: And so this is how we coach this client, right? First, we met her on the call and let her vent and complain about the person at work.
Nina: Yeah. But that only gets you so far. What's so killer about coaching is a solid coach lets you complain and find a new perspective or shift your perspective.
Kelle: Yeah, it's different than venting to a friend, right? When you vent and complain, you just sit in those really yucky emotions. You don't really get anywhere, right? You just walk away with all of that negative emotion after margaritas after work, right?
Nina: Yeah, it all piles up without being processed and then comes out sideways later. You know what we mean, right?
Kelle: Yeah. So with this client, we held the space for her to vent, and then we processed her anger. And anger is such an interesting one, right? We call anger an indicator or a bouncer emotion. It's usually protecting something underneath.
So when we get curious about it and pay attention to it, we can learn a lot.
Nina: Yeah. I mean, anger is also this sign of injustice, right? Like something happened, and it feels really unfair.
Kelle: Yeah, so cue the fight or flight, right? This makes sense.
Nina: Yeah, yeah. This is why we typically show up in the way that we do when we feel angry. Like, we just want to feel that power, right? Of anger instead of feeling like the things underneath that are not quite as powerful.
Nina: So this client went from angry to just bawling, right? She called it ugly crying, but we really think it's beautiful in its truth. And I mean, that sounds syrupy, but it's so true. We helped her identify this part of her that was so effing overworked, so tired, so bent on proving herself and on being perfect, we sat with that part of her and really just appreciated and loved on and appreciated again... That part of her.
Kelle: Yeah, our clients, they cry a lot with us and they all apologize at first, right, Nina?
Nina: They totally try to keep it all in at first. Then it's like the floodgates open and they're self-conscious that maybe they're our only client that comes to calls in tears.
Kelle: Yeah. Listen, hell no. First of all, this is where coaching with clients like, this is what it's all about. We hold space for them, for our clients, for you all to feel your feels, whatever they are, and feel safe doing so. These are breakthrough moments in coaching.
Nina: Yeah. So, Kel, do you want to tell everyone what happened once we helped her actually feel her emotions and ugly cry?
Kelle: Oh yeah, of course. Yeah. Once we helped her actually feel them, process the emotions, identify the parts of herself that are just trying so hard, that are doing the best that they can, the best that she can to get through those challenging circumstances around her, we could then shift into a more empowered mindset and take a closer look at her circumstances and decide who she wanted to be next time.
Nina: Yeah, there's no shame here. We can't shit on ourselves and attack ourselves all the time. Or I guess we can, right? But it's really not useful. The passive-aggressive snapping was something that happened in the past, and we can't change it. So instead, we decided to figure out what to do differently next time.
Kelle: And this was client-specific and helpful. And what really needed to happen here was bigger picture self-care, which is what we suggested too.
Nina: Yeah, like we said earlier, when feedback or setbacks start to kind of devastate us on repeat, you know, or someone's annoying behavior in the office, it might mean it's time to check in, like in ourselves, check in with ourselves.
Kelle: Yeah. And again, the solution here isn't to quit your job or complain to HR or go on vacay and just like, let it all go, right? Check out.
Nina: This is like escapism, right? This isn't self-care, right? We need to actually take a closer look at how to regulate your nervous system so you're more resilient.
Kelle: Listen, for our clients, we have a go, go, go problem, right, Nina? I mean, I'm just gonna say it.
Nina: Totally. We can relate to this personally to the “I've got it” tendency and go, go, go problem. When we're in go, go, go mode, we're basically in a survival state, fight or flight. I'd probably call this flight. I can relate here, so authentically, yeah.
Kelle: Yeah. And burnout could be seen as freeze, right? Like a functional freeze state.
Nina: Yeah. Shut down. Totally. And listeners look back on episode number 9, all about your nervous system. It's a pretty cool 101, if we do say so ourselves. It's a solid background for what we'll talk about today.
Kelle: So what happens with our ambitious high achievers is we get stuck in a chronic state of fight, flight, or freeze because our brains are coding the stressors around us as danger, even though we aren't actually in dangers. Like, we aren't in mortal danger. We're not going to die. So that email from your boss or the ambiguous text from a friend that stresses you out isn't an actual threat to your nervous system. But our nervous system’s coded that way on default.
Nina: Yeah, most of our clients and us included, we don't know what second or third gear looks like, right? We're all in fifth or sixth consistently all day long.
Kelle: Yeah, I mean, we've been told by so many clients, I have one gear, and it's full on, all out. And listen, our nervous systems on default, they don't like change. Change means danger for our nervous systems. So if you are running all the time, if you're sprinting and going full on in that top gear, that is like where your comfort is, and anything less than that threatens your survival.
Nina: Yeah, it's very dangerous according to your nervous system, right? The solution here, when you understand your nervous system, when you understand these things, you can learn to live in a way that's supportive of a healthy nervous system. You can reap the benefits of that.
Kelle: Okay, so the first step here is to develop some awareness around your unique stress profile, as we like to call it. What happens in your body when you feel stressed out or overwhelmed? What we like to do is just show our clients like, OK, listen, actually get to that space right now in a safe way, and then just notice what that feels like because we can't change what we don't notice. So this is where we love to begin.
Nina: Yeah, the personal stress profile tool is meant to increase your understanding of your unique triggers, stress symptoms, and your coping behaviors, right? We build this awareness to help you cope with stress more successfully.
Kelle: Yeah, we can't always change or control the circumstance around us. So the solution is always to come back to what we can control, which is always ourselves, right?
Nina: Yeah. Increased awareness of your triggers and symptoms will help you take action in the moment using a coping strategy that we'll develop together, you know, if you coach with us. But effective coping in the moment might look like taking a rest, stepping away, or treating yourself kindly.
Kelle: I mean, taking a rest, what does that even mean?
Nina: Yeah, yeah, totally.
Kelle: So again, why do we do this? Because listen, stress itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. What makes stress harmful is how we perceive it and respond to it. The negative effects of stress are more debilitating when it's interpreted as being beyond our control, but the process of overcoming a stressful challenge can extend our edge, so to speak. We grow our window of tolerance for stress over time, making us feel more confident and skillful next time when this shit inevitably hits the fan again.
Nina: Yeah. So if you want to unpack your unique stress profile in a nutshell, answer these three questions: “When I'm stressed, I typically think thoughts like…” and make a list, right?” When I'm stressed, this is what I notice in my body…” Make that list, right?
And, “When I'm stressed, this is how I tend to react or behave.” This one is gold. So we'd start here. When I did this for the first time, the body sensations really stood out for me. I get clenched in my jaw and we have a client who actually pushes her tongue into the roof of her mouth and this actually has a name. It's called a tongue thrust. It's literally a thing in PT.
Kelle: Weird, okay, yeah. And I start to sweat a little bit, but it's different than workout sweat. It's stress sweat, and it's totally different.
Nina: It's totally different. And I sometimes clench my hands in fists. I take shallow breaths, and I feel really scattered. I get kind of bossy, and I have this march like a bossy walk.
Kelle: Oh my God. Y'all, we got to record your bossy walk. It's really like, I'm like, Nina, bring it down. We're okay.
Nina: It's so true. It's remarkable.
Kelle: And those shallow breaths that you take. Okay. So now that you know all about our stress profiles, try this for yourselves. Again, this awareness is so killer.
Nina: Yeah. And so from here, what we want to do is help you and our clients expand their edge, right? To increase their window of tolerance for stressful circumstances, right? Some people might call this like, having a longer fuse. You know, it's another way to think about it. Does that make sense?
Kelle: Yeah. We want to help our clients feel more empowered under stress. And that's all about building up more tolerance, extending your edge, your perimeter, your zone or window of tolerance.
Nina: Yeah. We all know people who have short fuses, right? Or who were careful not to stress out, right? Kind of like eggshells. We know their edge or window of tolerance is where it is. It's clear, right?
Kelle: Yeah, those people that you just don't even want to say what you need to say because you're just like, ah, I don't know if this is worth it right now. No, I don't think I feel like having this conversation because I already know the pattern, right, of how it's gonna go.
Nina: Yeah, and so if we could coach everyone on the planet, we would, but we don't and we can't. But a big part of what we do in coaching is help people expand that edge, right? Expand their edge and their window of tolerance.
Kelle: Yeah. We can help you extend yours. And here's how to start. And it's not about changing anything outside of you first. This is the inner work. It's the deeper work that creates different results in your life from the inside out.
Nina: Yeah, so there are three foundational practices we suggest to clients to do that, to support a healthy nervous system. And again, we define a healthy nervous system as a resilient one, right? So we encourage clients to do these bigger picture practices regularly. You know, we also offer in-the-moment tools too, for clients to practice in the moment when they feel triggered or dysregulated, but the in-the-moment tools are sort of more like band-aids, like triage, like you're bleeding and you need to stop the bleeding, right? So these bigger picture practices are where we like to begin to create higher impact change.
Kelle: Okay, so the first is motion. And don't overthink this. You can walk or dance, or jump. Just move your body. Like stress gets stored in our body as tension. And when we move, we can move out that tension through our tissues and out of our bodies.
So motion is key. But again, this doesn't have to be like a full-fledged 60-minute Peloton ride. It's just 10 minutes of raising your heart rate every day. So you can walk around the block, get some fresh air. We've had clients step out of meetings when they're starting to feel triggered in the meeting.
This is so supportive to a resilient, healthy nervous system versus staying at your desk all day or staying in that meeting and like just allowing the pressure to build.
Nina: Under the fluorescent lights.
Kelle: Yeah, of course. That's really healthy.
Nina: Yeah. I actually get so much clarity and insight when I'm in motion when I'm not in survival, but in flow on my bike or running on a trail. I actually almost pulled over the other day in a friend's driveway. I was on my bike just because I had to stop and write a few things down in my notes app.
Kelle: Oh, I do that all the time. Sometimes, a 45-minute walk takes me, like, 90 minutes because I keep stopping and writing myself little notes. It makes sense because when we're in motion, this is when we're creative and compassionate and honest and forgiving. We're not in survival, and we can think clearly and really use our brains for us instead of against us. Some of my best works are when I'm on a ride or a walk.
Nina: The second practice here that supports that healthy nervous system. Ooh, this is a tough one. This is stillness. So this one is particularly hard for our clients, and it was for me too at first. We're so used to go mode, right?
Kelle: Totally. We suggest a stillness practice to almost all of our clients. We start with as little as 30 seconds a day and just build up from there.
Nina: Yeah. And at first, our clients are like, this isn't working. I feel terrible. And we're like, no, no, that's actually perfect. It's working.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Kelle: Stillness is like pulling the arrow back in the bow. It feels backwards or wrong, but actually sets you and your nervous system up for powerful forward motion, even more focused and more aligned.
Nina: Yeah. Some of the best answers come when we pause. Some of the best resolutions come without having to do anything. So titrate here, right? Start with 30 seconds a day and build your way up to 10 minutes. Do this for 30 days straight or three times a week at first, right? See how it changes how you respond versus react to the challenges around you.
Kelle: What's really funny here is when you try this stillness, your brain is going to be like, This is stupid. I'm like not doing anything.
Nina: This is boring,
Kelle: This is not doing anything. Yeah, this is dumb. And that is just your brain braining, by the way. So stick with this, see what happens.
Nina: Yeah, knowing that ahead of time. Yeah. It will happen, right? So just know that's gonna happen and do it anyway. Yeah, cool.
Kelle: Okay. And the third practice in this framework is play. And this is huge. Play is critical when it comes to a healthy nervous system. A lot of our clients have lost sight of what it means to play, what it means to feel joy, and it makes total sense.
Our ambitions and striving keep us hyper-focused on a certain finish line. We get really serious and we forget about what used to make us laugh and what play even means to us anymore.
Nina: Yeah, this is all about the creative, fun, and playful things. And for me, I think a lot of the people who choose to live in Park City, play looks like hopping on a bike, or putting skis on, or playing outside, really, in any way they can. Not everyone, right? But we definitely have a playful community.
Kelle: A thousand percent. Yeah.
Nina: And also something I love to do for play. I love humor. It's a huge part of my life. Actually, Kelle and I had coffee with a friend this morning, and I think we laughed the entire time we were sitting.
Kelle: Like rolling. Like if it was appropriate to roll on the floor in a coffee house, I definitely would have done it. I was dying.
Nina: And my back was to the place, but I'm sure people were looking at us like, are they drinking Baileys in their coffee? Because we were having a blast. But anyway, humor is huge for me. And I love to play sort of innocent practical jokes on my kids when it comes to play. This is in my play bucket.
So they're getting older now, and we can have a lot of fun here. But humor really lights me up. I love laughing and just having fun with them, even if sometimes it might be at their expense. But here's my rule. We have to both be laughing at the end of the joke.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. So for you, what might play look like? Happy dance jumping on your bed after you score a big deal, photography, writing, singing, see what comes up for you here. And it's so funny because we have one client who, she doesn't really drink a lot, but she loves to reward herself with some really, really fancy…. What is it? Is it like scotch?
Nina: Oh yeah. Bourbon or scotch. I don't know the difference. I'm going to sound like a silly goose here.
Kelle: No, I don't either. I don't either. But she just like pours herself this, you know, little shot, and she just sips and enjoys it. And it's so cute. That's one of the ways that she really rewards herself and celebrates and savors big deals.
And listen, she does really big, like billion-dollar deals. So it's amazing. When we started doing this work for ourselves, savoring our wins, everything changed and bringing in play, right Nina? Seriously.
Nina: Yeah, totally. I know for me, without it sounding cringy, like don't roll your eyes here, but this changed everything for me, play. I think about however, for example, I used to work out, Kelle, I know you can totally relate to this. How I used to work out before doing this work. It was super rigid and programmed.
Like I'm gonna do this Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and lift these weights. And if I'm not sore, it didn't happen. It doesn't count. Thinking of a good friend right now who we lifted weights with this morning, who's just my partner in crime in the gym right now. She's always like, Nina, more. More weight, more weight.
And it's fun. It's fun. Do you know what I'm talking about, Kel? But she really pushes me. Oh, Julie.
Kelle: Oh, funny. Okay, yeah.
Nina: I don't want to say her last name right now, I would. But she is like, Nina, you need 35s. I'm like, holy smokes, Julie. But it's so fun. It's so great. And it's a totally different approach and feel than the way I used to do it. But what I found over time was I had to relook at everything and kind of relabel the things I was calling hard. What I was telling myself “strong” and “weak” looked like, these were completely backwards to me.
So I sort of prided myself on not being dramatic, kind of like Kelle was saying earlier. I didn't cry, didn't subscribe to a lot of drama. I could call my former self stoic, just like you, Kel. I thought this was strong and cool. And I sort of realized when I started doing this work how much I was holding back by suppressing all of these emotions, not just anger and sadness but the other end of the spectrum too, like joy and wonder and happiness get stunted too when we live in the middle of the road. When we neglect the big negative feels, the big positive ones are blunted too.
Kelle: Yes. Ecstatic joy and love. Totally
Nina: Yeah, just play. So the ecstatic things. And that has totally come back into my relationships and my parenting, and my work. And when you do life from a place of joy, it's addicting. I mean, fun is so fun. That sounds so redundant, right? But it's so true. And Kelle and my mission this year is fun. We're not doing things that aren't fun.
This is really true to us too. Cause when you're in go mode that isn't available, you're in survival and you're focused on getting through the day. Who can relate? Pushing and striving and doing, getting through it. And when you let go of that, it's so freeing, but it takes some nervous system work and some thought work to do that. Mm-hmm.
Kelle: It's not like anything outside of you has changed, right? We want to stress that here. This is all because of this inner work using these tools. We can rewrite so many stories that might be holding us back, right? And feel safe living into new stories and new beliefs.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, I thought I was being strong by suppressing my emotions, right, Kel? By being stoic, we thought we were being so strong, not showing that side of ourselves to anyone. Sort of like, look at me up early, like the earlier I woke up, the more accomplished I was or something, and getting my workout in and doing all the things.
I was trying to prove to myself that I could do hard things, I think, and then took a look at what hard really meant to me. I was just mislabeling everything. What hard meant, because for me, sitting still was hard.
Stillness felt effing excruciating. Not doing anything was harder for me than waking up early and going out for a workout. But I didn't have that awareness. So being vulnerable with my inner circle is actually much stronger to me, for me, than keeping it all in and being stoic and pretending I could do it all myself.
Kelle: Yeah, I kind of liken to this like going to yoga, like there's people that like yoga and then there's people that are like, yoga is just too slow for me, or it's not a workout, right? And then you go to a hot yoga class and it is a workout and you get a really good workout and stretch, but you still leave at Shavasana because they, you know, you're like, who has time to lay down and not do anything? Duh.
Nina: I totally used to leave for Shavasana. I'm like, I'm out of here.
Kelle: Same, same. Yeah. Yeah. And it makes a lot of sense because we're used to moving and then we have to stop and be still and where our body is just like, what?
Nina: No, we're done.
Kelle: We're out. And all of this comes from our conditioning and society. We're taught not to like be overly emotional and stoicism is sort of rewarded. But re-evaluating this and questioning, is this still true for me? That is the goal. That's the flex.
Nina: Yeah. Questioning everything. I mean, we're trained to look for the answers externally and blame things outside of us, right? That's why we kind of tell ourselves that we're being triggered. We look for things outside of ourselves.
But I think this fuller awareness we can gain of ourselves by going inward helps us do that to question everything, how we're labeling things. Strength was totally not what I thought it was for me personally. And this is all really personal here, everyone, right? We all have different edges.
Kelle: Yeah, if you're listening to this today, and you value growth, and your edges might be different than ours, that 6am workout edge for Nina doesn't need to be expanded. But that isn't the case for everyone, right?
Nina: Yeah, my invitation was absolutely a softening. I've been so caught up in that just masculine energy pushing, analytical, and planning. I mean, what would it look like to really expand my edge on creativity and emotion, and softness? That's where I needed to go and continue to go today.
Kelle: Yeah, this concept of feminine and masculine energy is such a big one for our clients. And I think we all could benefit from exploring our feminine edge. And this is huge for the women we work with. We abandon it. And if I'm being real, like I abandon it, really, because I just told myself, okay, I need to get shit done, GSD, and hide that feminine energy, especially in the workplace.
Like, it's wrong, or something. And listen, we still get our toes done, and love a little Botox, don't get us wrong, But we don't realize there's so much more than that to embracing your feminine energy.
Nina: Yeah, feminine energy isn't anti-male, by the way. We're not saying that here. We're just exploring the difference between the two energies and suggesting we all expand that edge, accept our feminine energy instead of hide it.
Kelle: Oh, how the world would be a kinder, more general, badass place if we could embrace our feminine energy in a way that complemented the masculine energy around us.
Nina: Oh, amen. Let's start a movement.
Kelle: Okay, check out episode 27 for more on the difference between that masculine and feminine energy. It's such a good one.
Nina: Yeah, finding balance here is really so key for our clients to actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create.
Kelle: Okay, so good. What a good one today, right? I just love this topic and getting curious about triggers and your triggers, and really understanding those. Turning towards those wounded parts of you and processing the pain.
Nina: Yeah, and then practice motion, stillness, and play. Daily. Seriously. Where are your dials here? Where are you at an 11? Where are you at a one? Where do you need to, you know, play with your dials here? Practice these concepts to develop more resilience at home, at work, in the driver's seat, everywhere.
Kelle: Okay. As always, thank you so much for being here.
Nina: Yeah. Thanks everyone. Take care. See you soon.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Kelle Cobble: Maybe it's at home, maybe at work, or in your car, maybe in a certain relationship, and it just keeps happening. You get triggered.
Nina: What if the key to keeping your cool in those high-stress moments isn't about being tougher or more stoic, but about understanding your body's natural responses.
Kelle: All right. In this episode, we're going to uncover surprising science behind being triggered and how mastering your nervous system might just be the secret to keeping your cool, no matter what life throws at you.
Nina: Yeah, if that sounds amazing, you're in the right place. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. So today we're talking about, in a nutshell, those emotional outbursts you have that you really aren't so proud of.
Kelle: Yeah, our clients call this getting triggered. I don't really love that word, right?
Nina: Yeah, yeah, right. I mean, when you're triggered, it might look one way for you and another for me, right, Kel? And depending on the circumstances, too.
Kelle: Yes, when we're triggered, we express emotion, right? It's not always the emotion we want to express, but that's what happens. Sometimes people yell or snap or cry or just emote, right? In so many ways.
Nina: Yeah. Other people shut down and withdraw, right? Some flip the bird.
Kelle: And this makes complete sense. Let's just define trigger the way we do with clients here. Right, Nina?
Nina: Yeah, when clients come to us and say they were triggered by something someone said, for example, or someone's behavior. We try to reframe that by explaining that a trigger is actually an unhealed wound. One of your unhealed wounds.
Kelle: Yes. Yes. A trigger doesn't happen to you. It happens like inside of you, within you. So does that make sense?
Nina: Yeah, I think this might be a new concept to people, right? So, another way to say this is some part of you was hurt in a similar way a long time ago, so your nervous system responds in fight or flight. It's coding something as a threat. And so when we're triggered, we usually respond in a dysregulated way. The key here is to learn to respond to our triggers, not react or overreact in fight or flight.
Kelle: Because when we do, we're not showing up as our critical thinking best self. We're not curious or collaborative or creative or intuitive.
Nina: Yeah. Kelle always says, when emotion is high, thinking is low. So when we're triggered, we react in an emotional way. And of course, we shame ourselves for it. Right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's almost like we lose control of ourselves, right? It's like we lose control and then we act out and then we get pissed at ourselves and beat ourselves up for it, right?
Nina: Totally.
Kelle: And I think it's because we make vulnerability mean that we're unprofessional or we're too emotional or so like female or weak, right? Cue that shame spiral.
Nina: Yeah. And this makes complete sense, rock stars, right? Because when we were hunters and gatherers way back in the day in tribes, showing too much emotion made us unreliable for survival in the pack, in the tribe. And therefore, we were more susceptible to predators if we were abandoned. So we evolved to conceal any and all emotion for survival.
And over time, this might have looked like a parent or caregiver saying, you know, don't cry, turn that frown upside down, walk it off, suck it up, or even, you know, don't wear your heart on your sleeve.
Kelle: Yeah. And I don't know about you, but I have been called stoic like many, many times because I learned from a young age how to shut all that off and not feel, and just be like, bring it. I can take whatever you got for me, right?
Nina: Yeah, and human socialized as women, right, Kel?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes, they have, well, we, right, have the mindset that we have to do everything for everyone, always. Which, of course, creates this pressure chamber of overwhelm and stress on the daily.
Nina: That ragey, ticky time bomb feeling? Does it make a little more sense now?
Kelle: Oh my god, when you feel that heat coming on and you're just like, okay, nobody F with me right now because I'm literally gonna blow. All right. We know you're passionate, rockstar, right? We know you're driven and listen, we love your ambition.
Nina: But listen, when critical feedback or setbacks at work or the driver's going too slow in the left lane, or your lack of patience at home activate you on repeat, it might mean it's time to check in and get curious about your triggers.
Kelle: The solution here isn't to quit your job. I swear to you, quitting your job is not going to solve your time management issues, okay? You can complain to HR, you can send your kid to boarding school or go on vacation. None of those are going to help your time management problems. Okay?
Nina: Yeah, they're not gonna solve your problems. First, we have to go inward and undo the beliefs and conditioning that are keeping you stuck reacting in a dysregulated way, instead of responding from a regulated one.
Kelle: Yeah, we have to reconnect your mind and your body. So your brain, right, with your body, like with somatics, what we call somatics. And that's where we're going to go today.
Nina: Yeah, today we're going to talk about what nervous system regulation means and looks like and we'll give you a few tools to practice so you can be more resilient when your nervous system shifts into survival.
Kelle: That's really what regulation is. When we talk about a regulated nervous system, we mean one that's resilient. Okay, so this client came on to the coaching call with us so overwhelmed, so frustrated, and resentful. And this is how she explained it: “I'm overwhelmed and drowning. They keep missing things and getting behind on things. The volume of work I have is unreal. It's embarrassing. All the mistakes that they make, like spelling the prospect's name in lowercase and then misquoting the spokesperson, I couldn't believe it. I was at my wits end, and I was passive-aggressive and totally snapped at them.”
Nina: Can we all relate here? I mean, spelling the client's name in lowercase or whatever, right? These are, we can all relate here. I mean, have you ever been blown away by someone's performance? Like in a disappointing way, Kel? I'm not going to blow your mind, killer way, but kind of the opposite.
Kelle: Yeah, of course. And I mean, this client that I'm thinking of here, she is a perfectionist to the core, right? And she has certain standards. Of course, she owns the company, right? She runs this thing, and she expects the people on her team to meet her standards.
And this is what it looks like when clients come to us on a call. And this is how we help them out. We just help them regulate their nervous system. Come from this like high-emotion place to a more calm and balanced place where they can put on their CEO cap, right? And really function in a regulated way.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, I know I always feel like such a monster after I respond in a dysregulated way, right? Like, I really feel like a toddler. It is like the definition of emotional childhood and what we do with clients and what Kelle and I've learned over time with coaching is, you know, we shift and practice emotional adulthood. Right, Kel?
Nina: It's so true. And one of our coaches used to call that part of our brain, that amygdala, that caveman response, to a toddler with a knife. So when your brain is just like a toddler with a knife walking around and you have no idea what's going to happen because you're no longer in control, right?
Kelle: Totally. And then like we say, once you come to, which actually means once you get regulated and move into your prefrontal cortex and critical thinking, you're kind of ashamed almost immediately, right? You go from seeing red to just wanting to cry.
Nina: Yes. Yeah.
Kelle: And so this is how we coach this client, right? First, we met her on the call and let her vent and complain about the person at work.
Nina: Yeah. But that only gets you so far. What's so killer about coaching is a solid coach lets you complain and find a new perspective or shift your perspective.
Kelle: Yeah, it's different than venting to a friend, right? When you vent and complain, you just sit in those really yucky emotions. You don't really get anywhere, right? You just walk away with all of that negative emotion after margaritas after work, right?
Nina: Yeah, it all piles up without being processed and then comes out sideways later. You know what we mean, right?
Kelle: Yeah. So with this client, we held the space for her to vent, and then we processed her anger. And anger is such an interesting one, right? We call anger an indicator or a bouncer emotion. It's usually protecting something underneath.
So when we get curious about it and pay attention to it, we can learn a lot.
Nina: Yeah. I mean, anger is also this sign of injustice, right? Like something happened, and it feels really unfair.
Kelle: Yeah, so cue the fight or flight, right? This makes sense.
Nina: Yeah, yeah. This is why we typically show up in the way that we do when we feel angry. Like, we just want to feel that power, right? Of anger instead of feeling like the things underneath that are not quite as powerful.
Nina: So this client went from angry to just bawling, right? She called it ugly crying, but we really think it's beautiful in its truth. And I mean, that sounds syrupy, but it's so true. We helped her identify this part of her that was so effing overworked, so tired, so bent on proving herself and on being perfect, we sat with that part of her and really just appreciated and loved on and appreciated again... That part of her.
Kelle: Yeah, our clients, they cry a lot with us and they all apologize at first, right, Nina?
Nina: They totally try to keep it all in at first. Then it's like the floodgates open and they're self-conscious that maybe they're our only client that comes to calls in tears.
Kelle: Yeah. Listen, hell no. First of all, this is where coaching with clients like, this is what it's all about. We hold space for them, for our clients, for you all to feel your feels, whatever they are, and feel safe doing so. These are breakthrough moments in coaching.
Nina: Yeah. So, Kel, do you want to tell everyone what happened once we helped her actually feel her emotions and ugly cry?
Kelle: Oh yeah, of course. Yeah. Once we helped her actually feel them, process the emotions, identify the parts of herself that are just trying so hard, that are doing the best that they can, the best that she can to get through those challenging circumstances around her, we could then shift into a more empowered mindset and take a closer look at her circumstances and decide who she wanted to be next time.
Nina: Yeah, there's no shame here. We can't shit on ourselves and attack ourselves all the time. Or I guess we can, right? But it's really not useful. The passive-aggressive snapping was something that happened in the past, and we can't change it. So instead, we decided to figure out what to do differently next time.
Kelle: And this was client-specific and helpful. And what really needed to happen here was bigger picture self-care, which is what we suggested too.
Nina: Yeah, like we said earlier, when feedback or setbacks start to kind of devastate us on repeat, you know, or someone's annoying behavior in the office, it might mean it's time to check in, like in ourselves, check in with ourselves.
Kelle: Yeah. And again, the solution here isn't to quit your job or complain to HR or go on vacay and just like, let it all go, right? Check out.
Nina: This is like escapism, right? This isn't self-care, right? We need to actually take a closer look at how to regulate your nervous system so you're more resilient.
Kelle: Listen, for our clients, we have a go, go, go problem, right, Nina? I mean, I'm just gonna say it.
Nina: Totally. We can relate to this personally to the “I've got it” tendency and go, go, go problem. When we're in go, go, go mode, we're basically in a survival state, fight or flight. I'd probably call this flight. I can relate here, so authentically, yeah.
Kelle: Yeah. And burnout could be seen as freeze, right? Like a functional freeze state.
Nina: Yeah. Shut down. Totally. And listeners look back on episode number 9, all about your nervous system. It's a pretty cool 101, if we do say so ourselves. It's a solid background for what we'll talk about today.
Kelle: So what happens with our ambitious high achievers is we get stuck in a chronic state of fight, flight, or freeze because our brains are coding the stressors around us as danger, even though we aren't actually in dangers. Like, we aren't in mortal danger. We're not going to die. So that email from your boss or the ambiguous text from a friend that stresses you out isn't an actual threat to your nervous system. But our nervous system’s coded that way on default.
Nina: Yeah, most of our clients and us included, we don't know what second or third gear looks like, right? We're all in fifth or sixth consistently all day long.
Kelle: Yeah, I mean, we've been told by so many clients, I have one gear, and it's full on, all out. And listen, our nervous systems on default, they don't like change. Change means danger for our nervous systems. So if you are running all the time, if you're sprinting and going full on in that top gear, that is like where your comfort is, and anything less than that threatens your survival.
Nina: Yeah, it's very dangerous according to your nervous system, right? The solution here, when you understand your nervous system, when you understand these things, you can learn to live in a way that's supportive of a healthy nervous system. You can reap the benefits of that.
Kelle: Okay, so the first step here is to develop some awareness around your unique stress profile, as we like to call it. What happens in your body when you feel stressed out or overwhelmed? What we like to do is just show our clients like, OK, listen, actually get to that space right now in a safe way, and then just notice what that feels like because we can't change what we don't notice. So this is where we love to begin.
Nina: Yeah, the personal stress profile tool is meant to increase your understanding of your unique triggers, stress symptoms, and your coping behaviors, right? We build this awareness to help you cope with stress more successfully.
Kelle: Yeah, we can't always change or control the circumstance around us. So the solution is always to come back to what we can control, which is always ourselves, right?
Nina: Yeah. Increased awareness of your triggers and symptoms will help you take action in the moment using a coping strategy that we'll develop together, you know, if you coach with us. But effective coping in the moment might look like taking a rest, stepping away, or treating yourself kindly.
Kelle: I mean, taking a rest, what does that even mean?
Nina: Yeah, yeah, totally.
Kelle: So again, why do we do this? Because listen, stress itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. What makes stress harmful is how we perceive it and respond to it. The negative effects of stress are more debilitating when it's interpreted as being beyond our control, but the process of overcoming a stressful challenge can extend our edge, so to speak. We grow our window of tolerance for stress over time, making us feel more confident and skillful next time when this shit inevitably hits the fan again.
Nina: Yeah. So if you want to unpack your unique stress profile in a nutshell, answer these three questions: “When I'm stressed, I typically think thoughts like…” and make a list, right?” When I'm stressed, this is what I notice in my body…” Make that list, right?
And, “When I'm stressed, this is how I tend to react or behave.” This one is gold. So we'd start here. When I did this for the first time, the body sensations really stood out for me. I get clenched in my jaw and we have a client who actually pushes her tongue into the roof of her mouth and this actually has a name. It's called a tongue thrust. It's literally a thing in PT.
Kelle: Weird, okay, yeah. And I start to sweat a little bit, but it's different than workout sweat. It's stress sweat, and it's totally different.
Nina: It's totally different. And I sometimes clench my hands in fists. I take shallow breaths, and I feel really scattered. I get kind of bossy, and I have this march like a bossy walk.
Kelle: Oh my God. Y'all, we got to record your bossy walk. It's really like, I'm like, Nina, bring it down. We're okay.
Nina: It's so true. It's remarkable.
Kelle: And those shallow breaths that you take. Okay. So now that you know all about our stress profiles, try this for yourselves. Again, this awareness is so killer.
Nina: Yeah. And so from here, what we want to do is help you and our clients expand their edge, right? To increase their window of tolerance for stressful circumstances, right? Some people might call this like, having a longer fuse. You know, it's another way to think about it. Does that make sense?
Kelle: Yeah. We want to help our clients feel more empowered under stress. And that's all about building up more tolerance, extending your edge, your perimeter, your zone or window of tolerance.
Nina: Yeah. We all know people who have short fuses, right? Or who were careful not to stress out, right? Kind of like eggshells. We know their edge or window of tolerance is where it is. It's clear, right?
Kelle: Yeah, those people that you just don't even want to say what you need to say because you're just like, ah, I don't know if this is worth it right now. No, I don't think I feel like having this conversation because I already know the pattern, right, of how it's gonna go.
Nina: Yeah, and so if we could coach everyone on the planet, we would, but we don't and we can't. But a big part of what we do in coaching is help people expand that edge, right? Expand their edge and their window of tolerance.
Kelle: Yeah. We can help you extend yours. And here's how to start. And it's not about changing anything outside of you first. This is the inner work. It's the deeper work that creates different results in your life from the inside out.
Nina: Yeah, so there are three foundational practices we suggest to clients to do that, to support a healthy nervous system. And again, we define a healthy nervous system as a resilient one, right? So we encourage clients to do these bigger picture practices regularly. You know, we also offer in-the-moment tools too, for clients to practice in the moment when they feel triggered or dysregulated, but the in-the-moment tools are sort of more like band-aids, like triage, like you're bleeding and you need to stop the bleeding, right? So these bigger picture practices are where we like to begin to create higher impact change.
Kelle: Okay, so the first is motion. And don't overthink this. You can walk or dance, or jump. Just move your body. Like stress gets stored in our body as tension. And when we move, we can move out that tension through our tissues and out of our bodies.
So motion is key. But again, this doesn't have to be like a full-fledged 60-minute Peloton ride. It's just 10 minutes of raising your heart rate every day. So you can walk around the block, get some fresh air. We've had clients step out of meetings when they're starting to feel triggered in the meeting.
This is so supportive to a resilient, healthy nervous system versus staying at your desk all day or staying in that meeting and like just allowing the pressure to build.
Nina: Under the fluorescent lights.
Kelle: Yeah, of course. That's really healthy.
Nina: Yeah. I actually get so much clarity and insight when I'm in motion when I'm not in survival, but in flow on my bike or running on a trail. I actually almost pulled over the other day in a friend's driveway. I was on my bike just because I had to stop and write a few things down in my notes app.
Kelle: Oh, I do that all the time. Sometimes, a 45-minute walk takes me, like, 90 minutes because I keep stopping and writing myself little notes. It makes sense because when we're in motion, this is when we're creative and compassionate and honest and forgiving. We're not in survival, and we can think clearly and really use our brains for us instead of against us. Some of my best works are when I'm on a ride or a walk.
Nina: The second practice here that supports that healthy nervous system. Ooh, this is a tough one. This is stillness. So this one is particularly hard for our clients, and it was for me too at first. We're so used to go mode, right?
Kelle: Totally. We suggest a stillness practice to almost all of our clients. We start with as little as 30 seconds a day and just build up from there.
Nina: Yeah. And at first, our clients are like, this isn't working. I feel terrible. And we're like, no, no, that's actually perfect. It's working.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Kelle: Stillness is like pulling the arrow back in the bow. It feels backwards or wrong, but actually sets you and your nervous system up for powerful forward motion, even more focused and more aligned.
Nina: Yeah. Some of the best answers come when we pause. Some of the best resolutions come without having to do anything. So titrate here, right? Start with 30 seconds a day and build your way up to 10 minutes. Do this for 30 days straight or three times a week at first, right? See how it changes how you respond versus react to the challenges around you.
Kelle: What's really funny here is when you try this stillness, your brain is going to be like, This is stupid. I'm like not doing anything.
Nina: This is boring,
Kelle: This is not doing anything. Yeah, this is dumb. And that is just your brain braining, by the way. So stick with this, see what happens.
Nina: Yeah, knowing that ahead of time. Yeah. It will happen, right? So just know that's gonna happen and do it anyway. Yeah, cool.
Kelle: Okay. And the third practice in this framework is play. And this is huge. Play is critical when it comes to a healthy nervous system. A lot of our clients have lost sight of what it means to play, what it means to feel joy, and it makes total sense.
Our ambitions and striving keep us hyper-focused on a certain finish line. We get really serious and we forget about what used to make us laugh and what play even means to us anymore.
Nina: Yeah, this is all about the creative, fun, and playful things. And for me, I think a lot of the people who choose to live in Park City, play looks like hopping on a bike, or putting skis on, or playing outside, really, in any way they can. Not everyone, right? But we definitely have a playful community.
Kelle: A thousand percent. Yeah.
Nina: And also something I love to do for play. I love humor. It's a huge part of my life. Actually, Kelle and I had coffee with a friend this morning, and I think we laughed the entire time we were sitting.
Kelle: Like rolling. Like if it was appropriate to roll on the floor in a coffee house, I definitely would have done it. I was dying.
Nina: And my back was to the place, but I'm sure people were looking at us like, are they drinking Baileys in their coffee? Because we were having a blast. But anyway, humor is huge for me. And I love to play sort of innocent practical jokes on my kids when it comes to play. This is in my play bucket.
So they're getting older now, and we can have a lot of fun here. But humor really lights me up. I love laughing and just having fun with them, even if sometimes it might be at their expense. But here's my rule. We have to both be laughing at the end of the joke.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. So for you, what might play look like? Happy dance jumping on your bed after you score a big deal, photography, writing, singing, see what comes up for you here. And it's so funny because we have one client who, she doesn't really drink a lot, but she loves to reward herself with some really, really fancy…. What is it? Is it like scotch?
Nina: Oh yeah. Bourbon or scotch. I don't know the difference. I'm going to sound like a silly goose here.
Kelle: No, I don't either. I don't either. But she just like pours herself this, you know, little shot, and she just sips and enjoys it. And it's so cute. That's one of the ways that she really rewards herself and celebrates and savors big deals.
And listen, she does really big, like billion-dollar deals. So it's amazing. When we started doing this work for ourselves, savoring our wins, everything changed and bringing in play, right Nina? Seriously.
Nina: Yeah, totally. I know for me, without it sounding cringy, like don't roll your eyes here, but this changed everything for me, play. I think about however, for example, I used to work out, Kelle, I know you can totally relate to this. How I used to work out before doing this work. It was super rigid and programmed.
Like I'm gonna do this Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and lift these weights. And if I'm not sore, it didn't happen. It doesn't count. Thinking of a good friend right now who we lifted weights with this morning, who's just my partner in crime in the gym right now. She's always like, Nina, more. More weight, more weight.
And it's fun. It's fun. Do you know what I'm talking about, Kel? But she really pushes me. Oh, Julie.
Kelle: Oh, funny. Okay, yeah.
Nina: I don't want to say her last name right now, I would. But she is like, Nina, you need 35s. I'm like, holy smokes, Julie. But it's so fun. It's so great. And it's a totally different approach and feel than the way I used to do it. But what I found over time was I had to relook at everything and kind of relabel the things I was calling hard. What I was telling myself “strong” and “weak” looked like, these were completely backwards to me.
So I sort of prided myself on not being dramatic, kind of like Kelle was saying earlier. I didn't cry, didn't subscribe to a lot of drama. I could call my former self stoic, just like you, Kel. I thought this was strong and cool. And I sort of realized when I started doing this work how much I was holding back by suppressing all of these emotions, not just anger and sadness but the other end of the spectrum too, like joy and wonder and happiness get stunted too when we live in the middle of the road. When we neglect the big negative feels, the big positive ones are blunted too.
Kelle: Yes. Ecstatic joy and love. Totally
Nina: Yeah, just play. So the ecstatic things. And that has totally come back into my relationships and my parenting, and my work. And when you do life from a place of joy, it's addicting. I mean, fun is so fun. That sounds so redundant, right? But it's so true. And Kelle and my mission this year is fun. We're not doing things that aren't fun.
This is really true to us too. Cause when you're in go mode that isn't available, you're in survival and you're focused on getting through the day. Who can relate? Pushing and striving and doing, getting through it. And when you let go of that, it's so freeing, but it takes some nervous system work and some thought work to do that. Mm-hmm.
Kelle: It's not like anything outside of you has changed, right? We want to stress that here. This is all because of this inner work using these tools. We can rewrite so many stories that might be holding us back, right? And feel safe living into new stories and new beliefs.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, I thought I was being strong by suppressing my emotions, right, Kel? By being stoic, we thought we were being so strong, not showing that side of ourselves to anyone. Sort of like, look at me up early, like the earlier I woke up, the more accomplished I was or something, and getting my workout in and doing all the things.
I was trying to prove to myself that I could do hard things, I think, and then took a look at what hard really meant to me. I was just mislabeling everything. What hard meant, because for me, sitting still was hard.
Stillness felt effing excruciating. Not doing anything was harder for me than waking up early and going out for a workout. But I didn't have that awareness. So being vulnerable with my inner circle is actually much stronger to me, for me, than keeping it all in and being stoic and pretending I could do it all myself.
Kelle: Yeah, I kind of liken to this like going to yoga, like there's people that like yoga and then there's people that are like, yoga is just too slow for me, or it's not a workout, right? And then you go to a hot yoga class and it is a workout and you get a really good workout and stretch, but you still leave at Shavasana because they, you know, you're like, who has time to lay down and not do anything? Duh.
Nina: I totally used to leave for Shavasana. I'm like, I'm out of here.
Kelle: Same, same. Yeah. Yeah. And it makes a lot of sense because we're used to moving and then we have to stop and be still and where our body is just like, what?
Nina: No, we're done.
Kelle: We're out. And all of this comes from our conditioning and society. We're taught not to like be overly emotional and stoicism is sort of rewarded. But re-evaluating this and questioning, is this still true for me? That is the goal. That's the flex.
Nina: Yeah. Questioning everything. I mean, we're trained to look for the answers externally and blame things outside of us, right? That's why we kind of tell ourselves that we're being triggered. We look for things outside of ourselves.
But I think this fuller awareness we can gain of ourselves by going inward helps us do that to question everything, how we're labeling things. Strength was totally not what I thought it was for me personally. And this is all really personal here, everyone, right? We all have different edges.
Kelle: Yeah, if you're listening to this today, and you value growth, and your edges might be different than ours, that 6am workout edge for Nina doesn't need to be expanded. But that isn't the case for everyone, right?
Nina: Yeah, my invitation was absolutely a softening. I've been so caught up in that just masculine energy pushing, analytical, and planning. I mean, what would it look like to really expand my edge on creativity and emotion, and softness? That's where I needed to go and continue to go today.
Kelle: Yeah, this concept of feminine and masculine energy is such a big one for our clients. And I think we all could benefit from exploring our feminine edge. And this is huge for the women we work with. We abandon it. And if I'm being real, like I abandon it, really, because I just told myself, okay, I need to get shit done, GSD, and hide that feminine energy, especially in the workplace.
Like, it's wrong, or something. And listen, we still get our toes done, and love a little Botox, don't get us wrong, But we don't realize there's so much more than that to embracing your feminine energy.
Nina: Yeah, feminine energy isn't anti-male, by the way. We're not saying that here. We're just exploring the difference between the two energies and suggesting we all expand that edge, accept our feminine energy instead of hide it.
Kelle: Oh, how the world would be a kinder, more general, badass place if we could embrace our feminine energy in a way that complemented the masculine energy around us.
Nina: Oh, amen. Let's start a movement.
Kelle: Okay, check out episode 27 for more on the difference between that masculine and feminine energy. It's such a good one.
Nina: Yeah, finding balance here is really so key for our clients to actually enjoy the life they work so hard to create.
Kelle: Okay, so good. What a good one today, right? I just love this topic and getting curious about triggers and your triggers, and really understanding those. Turning towards those wounded parts of you and processing the pain.
Nina: Yeah, and then practice motion, stillness, and play. Daily. Seriously. Where are your dials here? Where are you at an 11? Where are you at a one? Where do you need to, you know, play with your dials here? Practice these concepts to develop more resilience at home, at work, in the driver's seat, everywhere.
Kelle: Okay. As always, thank you so much for being here.
Nina: Yeah. Thanks everyone. Take care. See you soon.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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