43. Ask Questions That Go Inward and Find Real Solutions
Have you ever found yourself stuck asking the same unhelpful questions over and over again? Questions like, "What should I do?" or, "Why does this always happen to me?" If so, you're not alone. We've all been there, caught in a loop of unproductive self-inquiry that keeps us trapped in our current circumstances.
But what if there was a better way? What if, instead of fixating on the how of solving our problems, we focused first on the who: who we need to be to overcome our challenges and achieve our goals? By shifting our mindset and asking ourselves more empowering questions, we can unlock our full potential and break free from the cycle of self-doubt.
Tune in today as we revisit an important conversation about the power of asking better questions. We share real-life examples from our coaching clients and offer practical strategies for reframing your thoughts and beliefs. Whether you're struggling with a difficult colleague, a moody spouse, or a seemingly impossible goal, this episode will give you the tools you need to approach your challenges with clarity, confidence, and purpose.
Want more live access to us? Get on our email list where you can ask us questions, get coached, and be the first to know about trainings, events, and free coaching. Click here to sign up now!
And if you know you need help finding balance and becoming unapologetically Ambitious-Ish, click here to book a free 60-minute consult to see if we’re a good match. Either you take all the awareness and value you get from the call and you run with it, or you coach with us for six months. That's two coaches for six months, and it's all about you.
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why asking, "What should I do?" isn't always the most effective starting point.
How to shift your focus from trying to control others to controlling yourself.
The importance of aligning your actions with your best self and future vision.
How to reframe challenges as opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
Strategies for holding yourself accountable and building unshakable self-trust.
The role of a coach in helping you dream bigger and overcome resistance.
The power of intentional self-inquiry in creating lasting change.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click here to follow, rate, and review the show. And if you love the show, don’t forget to share with someone you think will benefit!
Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
Let us know what you think of the show so far and what you’d like to hear more of or less of over on Instagram!
Full Episode Transcript:
Nina Lynch: There's no such thing as a stupid question, right? We've all heard that before, maybe when you were young, maybe recently, maybe you've even said it yourself. Well, we're calling BS on that. While we wouldn't call them stupid, there are definitely questions that aren't useful. Join us today as we explore the power of asking yourself more useful questions so you get more useful answers, especially right now, this time of year, when we're reflecting on the year behind us and looking ahead to 2025.
Instead of getting stuck in the how of making it all happen, your dreams and goals and intentions, let's instead focus first on who you need to be to make it happen, to unlock your potential and leave behind the noise of self-doubt. All right, happy holidays, everyone. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle Cobble: Hey, hey all. Welcome. I’m Kelle.
Nina Lynch: And I’m Nina. Today, we're talking about the questions you ask yourself and how the answers you give either move you forward or keep you stuck.
Kelle: We've all been there, right? What should I do? Why does this always happen to me? Why can't they just? How do I?
Nina: How do I is the big one, right?
Kelle: Totally. We just like to notice on purpose the types of questions that our brains are asking and before answering them, or even when we do answer them, we just notice, do I like this answer? Is this useful and helpful in my life?
Nina: Because here's the truth. If you ask yourself better questions, you will get better answers. I do this all the time in my own daily life. Like every day, I pretty much question the questions I'm asking myself and try to come up with better questions because then I get better answers And that helps me live a better life.
Kelle: So one of the best questions that we think you can ask is, given my circumstances, who do I want to be? Who do you want to be given your colleague is acting like this, or given the health diagnosis, or given your friend's unsurprising behavior, whatever your challenge is.
Nina: One of the most empowering questions you can ask is, who do I want to be? I think that at first glance this question sounds so obvious, but it's not. It's not so obvious because by default, when we're actually in the thick of a circumstance, our default brain goes to fix it mode.
Kelle: You know it's true. And we're guessing there's someone else in your life who does the same. And maybe, just maybe, it pisses you off.
Nina: Oh my god, totally. What should I do to fix this problem with my spouse? What should I do to fix this challenge that my colleague is having, that my child is having? What should I do to make sure that we get into that school? What can I do to convince my co-worker that they're wrong? What can I do to make them feel better?
Kelle: These are all not the most useful questions to start with because they require action first. Until you clean up your thinking and decide who you want to be, how you want to think and feel, you're not ready for what actions to take.
Nina: What we want to do if we can't change our circumstances is to change who we're being in our circumstances. This is so key.
Kelle: It's the reason why so many diets fail, Why you can't back off on your drinking. Why so many workout programs don't create the results you desire. And why so many of us feel stuck, even paralyzed and hopeless in our patterns like overworking and burnout and flying off the handle.
Nina: Yeah, think about it. If you decide to sign up for that 5K coming up in a few months, and you haven't put running shoes on in like four years, we're guessing you're gonna buy new shoes, download a training schedule, and start doing exactly what that program tells you to do. Right, High Achiever? Maybe you put your clothes out the night before to make it easy when you get out of bed in the morning, all the things.
Nina: Sure, you'll take action, but your brain is still gonna be eyeballing the couch. We've been there. We're guessing you'll follow through for a bit. You'll eat the salads. You'll do better on your diet, whatever that looks like. You'll refrain from drinking wine for a few days, and do a little running.
Kelle: And the whole time your brain is telling you, wow, this is hard, or this is okay for now, but not forever. We got this, but not forever. Or even, you know, when are we gonna be done?
Nina: Totally, it's like, are we there yet?
Kelle: Sounds like my kids in the backseat of the car.
Nina: A reminder here, our brains crave comfort, safety, and pleasure. That's why when change feels hard, our brains tell us to take the path of least resistance, the way we've always done it, the easy way. And it totally holds us back.
Kelle: Stop running, it hurts too much. Grab that glass of wine, you deserve it. Have another cookie. It goes on and on, right? And so we bail, understandably. This is why asking yourself how or what first isn't always the best starting point.
Nina: We like starting with who. Who do I need to be to wake up early for the next few weeks and run to train for the 5K? What does she believe? What does she already know?
Kelle: I'm becoming a runner. I'm someone who drinks in moderation so I can wake up early for a run. I'm becoming a healthier eater so I can feel better in my body.
Nina: We're really offering that you go inward and take a look at you, at your best self, and the future you you're looking to embody. What does she think about this? What does she consider? What are her values? Who does she want to be in this circumstance? How does she want to feel? And then what does she want to do?
Nina: It's not that we don't ever ask the question, what should I do? Right. I just don't think it's the best first question. That really good empowering first question is who do I want to be in this circumstance? So notice when your brain just immediately wants to problem solve, right? And go to, what should I do here? And notice how that focuses first on the actions. And if you take action from your first set of default thoughts, oftentimes they won't be the most empowering. They won't move the needle.
Kelle: Let's go through a client example or two. A few weeks ago, a client felt disrespected by something someone said to her at work and asking her, who do you want to be in your circumstances? It offered her the opportunity to explore. How can I be who I want to be here?
Nina: Yeah, we can't change the other person, but we can decide how we want to show up. And she decided that her best self is someone who is kind back, but also shares her experience of it. So it sounded like having a conversation with that other person and saying, hey, you know what? I really didn't like that you said that. And to me, it was a little bit disrespectful. So in the future, I prefer if you please don't say that. Period. There's no explanation. There's no, I'm sorry. There's no avoidance. There's no drama and complaining. There just is. This is who I want to be in this circumstance.
Kelle: All right. Another client said, you know, every day after work when my husband gets home, he's so moody. So applying this question, who do I want to be when my husband comes home and he's moody? Do I want to be someone who's compassionate and kind and loving and connected to the extent I can? Maybe yes, maybe some days, other days, maybe I don't have that capacity. But she, our client, was focusing initially so much on how she could get him to not be moody and of course, we cannot control other people's feelings.
Nina: Now, that doesn't mean that she can't also talk with her husband about it and kind of share with him how that experience is for her every day and make a request of him that he not be so moody.
Kelle: Yes, 100% she can and should do that if she wants to. But the difference is in whether the question is being asked from the motivation to try to change and control her spouse, or whether it's being asked from the motivation of, this is just the type of spouse I want to be.
Nina: In one case, in the first one, you're trying to control your spouse. And in the other, you're focused on controlling yourself. That's where your power lies. So regardless of how your spouse responds, you'll feel like just asking that question was effective. If it's coming from that place, this is how I want to show up.
Kelle: And as a wife who has a husband who comes home, who is moody after work, if you're sort of in the how do I get my husband to do this mode, then you'll be focusing on the outcome based on his actions, which we can't control. And believe me, if I could figure this out for myself, I would totally give you all that you need, but I have no idea. So just something to notice and pay attention to when we make requests. What's the motivation behind the request? And are we sort of managing our minds first?
Nina: So back to you, listener, who do you want to be under your challenging circumstances? What should you do versus who do you want to be? How does she want to think and feel? Is that in alignment with your best self, your vision of the future you? How might this challenge be an invitation for you to grow?
Kelle: Isn't it funny how the universe often gives us what we need? Not exactly what we want, but what we need.
Nina: Totally, totally.
Kelle: And as coaches, one of our jobs is to help you dream bigger than you are right now. Because we're naturally programmed to stay stuck inside our little comfort cave, to listen to our default thoughts that seek comfort, safety and pleasure that keep us safe where we are.
Nina: So unless we make an intentional choice to leave, that's where we'll stay forever. And that's why you're here, right? We're trained to help you do just that. We work with women who want to do big things but struggle with resistance. We will hold belief for you until you can hold it for yourself. We will remind you of what you're capable of until you can remind yourself.
Kelle Cobble: We'll hold you accountable for doing the things you say that you're going to do until your self-trust grows so big that not doing those things would never even cross your mind. That's a promise. Who's a hell yes?
Nina Lynch: Yeah. If you liked what you heard here, keep coming back. Future you will thank you. See you next time.
Kelle Cobble: All right, see you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Instead of getting stuck in the how of making it all happen, your dreams and goals and intentions, let's instead focus first on who you need to be to make it happen, to unlock your potential and leave behind the noise of self-doubt. All right, happy holidays, everyone. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle Cobble: Hey, hey all. Welcome. I’m Kelle.
Nina Lynch: And I’m Nina. Today, we're talking about the questions you ask yourself and how the answers you give either move you forward or keep you stuck.
Kelle: We've all been there, right? What should I do? Why does this always happen to me? Why can't they just? How do I?
Nina: How do I is the big one, right?
Kelle: Totally. We just like to notice on purpose the types of questions that our brains are asking and before answering them, or even when we do answer them, we just notice, do I like this answer? Is this useful and helpful in my life?
Nina: Because here's the truth. If you ask yourself better questions, you will get better answers. I do this all the time in my own daily life. Like every day, I pretty much question the questions I'm asking myself and try to come up with better questions because then I get better answers And that helps me live a better life.
Kelle: So one of the best questions that we think you can ask is, given my circumstances, who do I want to be? Who do you want to be given your colleague is acting like this, or given the health diagnosis, or given your friend's unsurprising behavior, whatever your challenge is.
Nina: One of the most empowering questions you can ask is, who do I want to be? I think that at first glance this question sounds so obvious, but it's not. It's not so obvious because by default, when we're actually in the thick of a circumstance, our default brain goes to fix it mode.
Kelle: You know it's true. And we're guessing there's someone else in your life who does the same. And maybe, just maybe, it pisses you off.
Nina: Oh my god, totally. What should I do to fix this problem with my spouse? What should I do to fix this challenge that my colleague is having, that my child is having? What should I do to make sure that we get into that school? What can I do to convince my co-worker that they're wrong? What can I do to make them feel better?
Kelle: These are all not the most useful questions to start with because they require action first. Until you clean up your thinking and decide who you want to be, how you want to think and feel, you're not ready for what actions to take.
Nina: What we want to do if we can't change our circumstances is to change who we're being in our circumstances. This is so key.
Kelle: It's the reason why so many diets fail, Why you can't back off on your drinking. Why so many workout programs don't create the results you desire. And why so many of us feel stuck, even paralyzed and hopeless in our patterns like overworking and burnout and flying off the handle.
Nina: Yeah, think about it. If you decide to sign up for that 5K coming up in a few months, and you haven't put running shoes on in like four years, we're guessing you're gonna buy new shoes, download a training schedule, and start doing exactly what that program tells you to do. Right, High Achiever? Maybe you put your clothes out the night before to make it easy when you get out of bed in the morning, all the things.
Nina: Sure, you'll take action, but your brain is still gonna be eyeballing the couch. We've been there. We're guessing you'll follow through for a bit. You'll eat the salads. You'll do better on your diet, whatever that looks like. You'll refrain from drinking wine for a few days, and do a little running.
Kelle: And the whole time your brain is telling you, wow, this is hard, or this is okay for now, but not forever. We got this, but not forever. Or even, you know, when are we gonna be done?
Nina: Totally, it's like, are we there yet?
Kelle: Sounds like my kids in the backseat of the car.
Nina: A reminder here, our brains crave comfort, safety, and pleasure. That's why when change feels hard, our brains tell us to take the path of least resistance, the way we've always done it, the easy way. And it totally holds us back.
Kelle: Stop running, it hurts too much. Grab that glass of wine, you deserve it. Have another cookie. It goes on and on, right? And so we bail, understandably. This is why asking yourself how or what first isn't always the best starting point.
Nina: We like starting with who. Who do I need to be to wake up early for the next few weeks and run to train for the 5K? What does she believe? What does she already know?
Kelle: I'm becoming a runner. I'm someone who drinks in moderation so I can wake up early for a run. I'm becoming a healthier eater so I can feel better in my body.
Nina: We're really offering that you go inward and take a look at you, at your best self, and the future you you're looking to embody. What does she think about this? What does she consider? What are her values? Who does she want to be in this circumstance? How does she want to feel? And then what does she want to do?
Nina: It's not that we don't ever ask the question, what should I do? Right. I just don't think it's the best first question. That really good empowering first question is who do I want to be in this circumstance? So notice when your brain just immediately wants to problem solve, right? And go to, what should I do here? And notice how that focuses first on the actions. And if you take action from your first set of default thoughts, oftentimes they won't be the most empowering. They won't move the needle.
Kelle: Let's go through a client example or two. A few weeks ago, a client felt disrespected by something someone said to her at work and asking her, who do you want to be in your circumstances? It offered her the opportunity to explore. How can I be who I want to be here?
Nina: Yeah, we can't change the other person, but we can decide how we want to show up. And she decided that her best self is someone who is kind back, but also shares her experience of it. So it sounded like having a conversation with that other person and saying, hey, you know what? I really didn't like that you said that. And to me, it was a little bit disrespectful. So in the future, I prefer if you please don't say that. Period. There's no explanation. There's no, I'm sorry. There's no avoidance. There's no drama and complaining. There just is. This is who I want to be in this circumstance.
Kelle: All right. Another client said, you know, every day after work when my husband gets home, he's so moody. So applying this question, who do I want to be when my husband comes home and he's moody? Do I want to be someone who's compassionate and kind and loving and connected to the extent I can? Maybe yes, maybe some days, other days, maybe I don't have that capacity. But she, our client, was focusing initially so much on how she could get him to not be moody and of course, we cannot control other people's feelings.
Nina: Now, that doesn't mean that she can't also talk with her husband about it and kind of share with him how that experience is for her every day and make a request of him that he not be so moody.
Kelle: Yes, 100% she can and should do that if she wants to. But the difference is in whether the question is being asked from the motivation to try to change and control her spouse, or whether it's being asked from the motivation of, this is just the type of spouse I want to be.
Nina: In one case, in the first one, you're trying to control your spouse. And in the other, you're focused on controlling yourself. That's where your power lies. So regardless of how your spouse responds, you'll feel like just asking that question was effective. If it's coming from that place, this is how I want to show up.
Kelle: And as a wife who has a husband who comes home, who is moody after work, if you're sort of in the how do I get my husband to do this mode, then you'll be focusing on the outcome based on his actions, which we can't control. And believe me, if I could figure this out for myself, I would totally give you all that you need, but I have no idea. So just something to notice and pay attention to when we make requests. What's the motivation behind the request? And are we sort of managing our minds first?
Nina: So back to you, listener, who do you want to be under your challenging circumstances? What should you do versus who do you want to be? How does she want to think and feel? Is that in alignment with your best self, your vision of the future you? How might this challenge be an invitation for you to grow?
Kelle: Isn't it funny how the universe often gives us what we need? Not exactly what we want, but what we need.
Nina: Totally, totally.
Kelle: And as coaches, one of our jobs is to help you dream bigger than you are right now. Because we're naturally programmed to stay stuck inside our little comfort cave, to listen to our default thoughts that seek comfort, safety and pleasure that keep us safe where we are.
Nina: So unless we make an intentional choice to leave, that's where we'll stay forever. And that's why you're here, right? We're trained to help you do just that. We work with women who want to do big things but struggle with resistance. We will hold belief for you until you can hold it for yourself. We will remind you of what you're capable of until you can remind yourself.
Kelle Cobble: We'll hold you accountable for doing the things you say that you're going to do until your self-trust grows so big that not doing those things would never even cross your mind. That's a promise. Who's a hell yes?
Nina Lynch: Yeah. If you liked what you heard here, keep coming back. Future you will thank you. See you next time.
Kelle Cobble: All right, see you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Enjoy the Show?
Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!