52. How to Ask for What You Need (& Actually Receive It)
Have you ever bottled up your needs until you exploded? Or gone totally passive-aggressive instead of just asking for what you want? As high achievers, we tell ourselves that expressing our needs makes us weak, burdensome, and needy. We'd rather overwork, over-function, and over-deliver than actually say, "Hey, I need a hand" or "This just isn't working for me."
In this episode, we unpack why it's so hard for us to ask for our unmet needs. We explore how these disempowering patterns keep us stuck in the perfectionist, people-pleasing cycle instead of creating the deep, authentic connections we actually want.
Join us as we discuss how to identify your needs and express them in a healthy way. We share strategies for making requests of the people around you, whether they say yes or no, so you can create relationships that actually support you at home and at work. It's time to put an end to the martyr mindset and start asking for what you need!
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why high achievers struggle to express their needs and ask for help.
How bottling up your needs leads to resentment, overwhelm, and disconnection.
The difference between making a request and making a demand.
How to identify your unmet needs and communicate them assertively.
Strategies for honoring others' boundaries and receiving support graciously.
Why asking for help is a key part of building authentic, supportive relationships.
How to put an end to passive-aggressive patterns and communicate directly.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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33. How Effective Boundaries Protect Your Energy: Burnout Mini-Series Part 5
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle Cobble: Who hasn't bottled up their needs until they exploded?
Nina Lynch: Or gone totally passive-aggressive instead of just asking for what they want?
Kelle: Or stayed quiet to keep the peace, only to feel resentful later?
Nina: As high achievers, we are so used to figuring everything out on our own that asking for what we need feels kind of impossible.
Kelle: Not just impossible, we tell ourselves we're weak, burdensome, needy, and I can go on and on here.
Nina: Yeah, we'd rather overwork, over-function, and over-deliver than actually say, hey, I need a hand or this just isn't working for me.
Kelle: Yeah, these disempowering patterns keep us stuck in that perfectionist, people-pleasing cycle instead of creating the deep, authentic connections we actually want.
Nina: Yeah, when you're afraid to express your needs, you stay stuck where you are, spinning in resentment and overwhelm and isolation, really, you're not collaborative, not authentic, not showing up as that empowered version of yourself we know you can be.
Kelle: All right, so let's do this. Let's talk about why it's so hard for us to ask for unmet needs, how to actually identify your needs and how to express unmet needs in a healthy way and feel safe making requests of the people around you whether they say yes or no.
Nina: Shall we high achievers? Because when we do we can create relationships that actually support us at home and at work.
Kelle: Yeah, which is ultimately what we want and need, right, rock stars?
Nina: Well, see what we did there?
Kelle: All right, let's jump in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. So what we're talking about today, in a nutshell, is this fear of rejection we have when it comes to giving voice to and expressing our needs as high-achieving women.
Kelle: Know what we mean. If you're a high achiever, this sort of wakes up your nervous system. You feel this in your body, right?
Nina: Let's give some examples we've helped clients with here. So one client wanted more attention from her husband. She wanted to ask for a hug. She wanted him to acknowledge her more, ask her how she was doing, take a few ski runs together, even though he was a much better skier than she was. But she didn't want to ask. She didn't want to hold him back or be needy or seem needy, right?
Kelle: Yes, yes. Totally. And that reminds me, we're talking about client examples, but there's this classic example of like, okay, pretend it's your birthday. And you want to be surprised. You want everyone to like acknowledge that it's your birthday.
You want your partner to get you something for your birthday to acknowledge it, but you don't actually ask. You don't ask for what you want, you just kind of expect the people around you to see what you want, to know you. I mean, they've known you for how long, right? They should know what you want for your birthday.
Nina: They should be able to read your mind. That's what you're trying to say, Kel. They want everyone to be a mind reader. Right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah.
Nina: And so you don't say anything about your birthday. And then you're upset when people don't acknowledge your birthday, when they forget.
Kelle: On the other side, totally, totally, totally, yeah.
Nina: That is a classic example of not asking for what you want slash need. Okay, and then bringing this to another client example, a former client that was an executive for a global tech company. She was really suffering from overworking and burnout, and she was starting to feel the effects physically. So she was experiencing frozen shoulder, which by the way has been linked to menopause in part and to stress and she needed to take care of herself, but taking time off was not an option for her. Like she decided it wasn't an option for her, right? Yeah. She really had a difficult time and waited until she was in so much pain. She had to do something about it. And that's when she hired us.
Nina: Okay. One more. How about this one? What about the client who owns her own company, she has somewhere around 10 employees, and was having a really difficult time asking her employees to do things they weren't doing even when it was technically their job to do because she essentially wanted them to like her as a boss. It's like this quiet popularity contest, right?
She was stepping in and doing the work herself, sacrificing her own time because she felt "bad", asking her employees to do it. Basically, she's acting as the COO, not the CEO, right? And we see this a lot, by the way, right, Kelle?
Kelle: Yeah, we see it a lot. And listen, these are not weak women. These are women that are complete mavericks. They're confident and assertive and empowered until they have to make a request that benefits themselves.
Nina: Yeah, we tell ourselves we're being too demanding when asking for our needs to be met, right? We are inviting conflict and even abandonment so we don't ask.
Kelle: After all, we could get kicked out of the tribe. Who wants that?
Nina: No, so we keep our mouths shut and we tow the line towards safety. It's like when we consider expressing our needs and someone says no, it's a rejection at the core of who you are.
Kelle: And This causes us to be fiercely independent, right? And I'm sure that if you're listening to this, listening to us, like that is you, right? Just this, I got it mentality, so to speak.
Nina: Totally. In our perfectionism and people pleasing, we learn to prioritize other people's needs above our own, sacrificing our own needs and well-being towards the goal of feeling or being safer, towards more belonging in the tribe.
Kelle: Yeah, we shapeshift and chameleon our way into mattering to our family and our community, and we source our value and our worth from outside of ourselves.
Nina: At our core, we worry we aren't worthy of love, receiving our unmet needs, things. It's a pattern written into our nervous systems.
Kelle: We tell ourselves our needs aren't important. Like they're a burden. Everyone else's needs are more important and so we displace our own.
Nina: Yeah, like when we hop up from the table to get something for someone, right? And they can clearly do it themselves, but we do it for them anyway. Or we say yes to working late instead of going to the doctor's appointment. Or moving the kids to whatever they have going on instead of honoring our own downtime, right?
Kelle: Yeah, but then when we do honor our needs and ourself, we feel guilty and selfish.
Nina: And being selfish is like a stain in society today, right?
Kelle: Our needs feel like a burden and inconsequential. And asking for needs is so vulnerable. Our nervous system doesn't feel safe doing it. So we don't.
Nina: Yeah. All of this over giving leads to exhaustion and we get resentful and lose our sense of ourselves and our identity over time.
Kelle: Yeah, we don't ask for help. And instead, we actually debate with ourselves in asking for help.
Nina: Yeah, we minimize and apologize for our needs. We dilute our message and avoid conflict, right? We make excuses and indirect requests like, I don't know if you have a sec, I know you're really busy and your time is super valuable, but if you can take a few seconds and edit this, blah, blah, blah, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. It feels selfish and needy and like you can't handle it and this is too scary being selfish and needy is not safe.
Nina: And so we unwittingly perpetuate the cycle putting ourselves last and our well-being is compromised.
Kelle: Yeah, I'm thinking of another client here. She's a real estate broker, and she was going through some personal challenges. And she had a real estate partner, but she didn't want to make it look like she wasn't upholding her end of the partnership. She suffered in silence for a long while because she didn't want to say anything. She didn't want to ask for what she needed, in this case, extra downtime.
And again, she worked well over 50 hours a week. She was no slacker by any means, but talking to her real estate partner, her team members about her needs was really difficult for her because she didn't wanna be judged or thought of as not doing enough.
Nina: But listen, we are pack animals, right? We do actually need each other. It's not a problem to need others. The problem arises when we don't ask for support.
Kelle: But we tell ourselves that needing others is weak and risky and threatening, so we try to meet our own needs.
Nina: And so we get caught in this trap of independence, right? We tell ourselves we aren't supposed to need people. Listen, not depending on anyone is not based in the science of being human. Kelle and I love science, right?
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Please don't go it alone. Of course you want the people who love you to support you in meeting your needs.
Kelle: Yeah, we love helping others just as a human species. Like, how good does it feel to help somebody else? It feels so good to serve and help and support. And this is a huge part of connection. And we often like take that opportunity away for the other side of it and don't let the other people step in right we don't give them the opportunity.
Nina: Yeah, giving is key and the other part of connection also key receiving.
Kelle: Yes, can you receive? Is your nervous system safe when you receive? Can you get there?
Nina: Yeah, it's a two-fold challenge for the women we work with, for all high achievers out there. Can you ask for help with a regulated nervous system? And can you receive that help with a regulated nervous system without beating yourself up unapologetically, without feeling like a burden inconveniencing the people around you?
Kelle: Yeah, I really found this out when I had cancer last year and really needed to rely on other people to bring food to our house, to give rides to my kids' places, to take care of some things that I just didn't have the energy or bandwidth to do myself. And it was a real eye opener for me to be like, wow, it was really hard for me to let people do things for me. And I learned so much from that.
Nina: So cool. Such a cool invitation.
Kelle: Yeah, right. Yeah. But let's back up for a sec. The real problem lies in how we ask for our needs to be met. How we try to get our needs met.
Nina: Yeah, it often comes from the wounding, our own personal wounding that says, it's not okay for us to have needs met or even needs in general. I'm not worthy of being taken care of.
Kelle: When we expect other people to self-abandon the way we do, we create a lose-lose situation for everybody. Totally unwittingly, right? Like, they are so needy or high maintenance, right?
Nina: Yeah, there's this back and forth resentment that's created and it's poisonous to ourselves and our relationships.
Kelle: And it creates a lot of confusion around needs for other people to have them, too, right? Because we tell ourselves it's not OK to have needs, us or anyone else.
Nina: Yeah, they're a burden. Right. High maintenance or needy. Right.
Kelle: We learned this a long time ago. We were told we were being demanding, maybe by our parents who didn't exactly model naming their needs and asking for them to be met.
Nina: Yeah, so we are all doing our best. It's so true. We are all doing the best we can with what we have.
Kelle: Okay, so question. What does it feel like in your body when you have a need? So we're sitting in the taco place and you need to ask someone to pass the guac. What does it feel like in your body that you have a need and that it would be optimal for someone to help you? Like what's the feeling?
Do you want to barf? Are you angry? Do you have hives coming up?
Nina: Yeah, totally. What's the feeling that comes with that? The emotions. Pay attention to this. Pay attention to your own needs and learn how to know what you need and then ask for unmet needs.
Kelle: And here's where it's key to know the difference between making a request and making a demand, right?
Nina: Yes, totally. Here we go. Kelle, would you rather someone be direct with you or indirect?
Kelle: Oh my God, please be direct, please.
Nina: Right? Would you rather someone be passive aggressive or direct?
Kelle: 100%, like 1000% direct, of course. Please do not dance around it. Don't say you don't want help and then be really resentful that you're having to do it all by yourself.
I have someone in my life, not going to say who it is, but it's clear to me they could use the help, but don't ask, don't even accept, and then complain about having to do it all. They get that resentment rash.
Nina: Yeah, totally. And we'll get into this in a sec, but what happens when we identify a need we have, an unmet need, right, is we don't regulate our nervous systems before we take action to get our needs met.
Kelle: It's how we express our needs and ask for help that is the huge pitfall for most high-achieving women. All of our clients, and me, and Nina, Like, can you relate here?
Nina: Yeah, totally. We're in survival. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn chronically. And when we are, our critical thinking goes offline. You've heard us talk about this before. So we're reactive and emotional, not collaborative, caring, compassionate, or curious. We call these the 4 C's of a regulated nervous system.
Kelle: Yeah. So what happens is we identify that unmet need, even if it's just a hand bringing the groceries into the house, we're asking from a place of overdone-ness, like overwhelmed and overworked and under-rested, over-productive, and this is called long suffering in some circles.
Nina: Yeah, and so of course our ask comes out in a really shitty way. Passive aggressive, likely and indirect. And we ultimately don't get our needs met.
Kelle: We're not saying you're doing it all wrong. You should know better.
Nina: No, no, no, not at all. We all show up in our relationships and communicate the way we do from years of conditioning. You've heard us talk about this a lot, right?
Kelle: Yes. All of our character flaws. And before I say this sentence, I just have to say, Kelle, your voice is so calm. Like, your voice is so calm, it almost sounds like an SNL skit. Like, no, no, no, not at all. I just, I like, I was starting to, like, continue on in the podcast and I couldn't just leave that on. I couldn't leave it unsaid.
Nina: What are those ladies’ names? Okay. Yeah. Oh, we got to look that up and put it in the show notes or something.
Kelle: Right, right. Yeah, really funny. Okay, getting my composure back. Yes. All of our character flaws and even our not-so-favorite behaviors are most likely survival mechanisms from our youth. Ways of being that we've practiced for a very, very, very long time.
Nina: Yeah, we either were modeled communication in a certain way, or we adapted to communicate a certain way to accommodate a caregiver or family member or guardian. Does this land?
Kelle: Our perfectionist tendencies, people pleasing, codependence, or for some of us, our ruthless independence, are all ways of being we adapted and practice from a young age.
Nina: And this is where coaching is gold because when you work with a coach, coaches like us, we help you identify these old tendencies and ways of being and find safety in healthier, more sustainable ways.
Kelle: Yeah, we help you regulate your nervous system so your perfectionism doesn't hold you back anymore. Your people pleasing, your passive aggression, your ruthless independence. We show you how to put each of these tendencies on a dimmer switch, as Nina likes to say.
Nina: Yeah, these can absolutely be your superpowers, but not when they're cranked up to 11 every day on repeat, right? We'll show you how to live in the nuance, the in-between. To be the master of the challenges that come your way. To know how to do the hard stuff in an effective, sustainable way. To react and recover from the hard stuff. To expand that edge. To expand your capacity. To feel alive in the hard stuff.
Kelle: Like we said earlier, we are pack animals. We humans are pack animals. And we're supposed to live in community and help each other. It does truly take a village for our species to survive. All of this science supports the fact that we are not meant to go it alone, to not have needs.
Nina: And listen, rock stars, we need your capacity. We need your edge. We need your ambition. And we need to see you take care of yourself in a way that supports everything you want to do next.
Kelle: We know you want more, but you don't really know how to get there because the way you're doing it feels terrible and it isn't sustainable.
Nina: There are so many people who want to support you, who are on the same mission. Can you lead and set an example for everyone watching you to get your needs met in a healthy way? This only makes you and what you want to do to move forward more capable.
Kelle: Yeah, we need to unwind the story in your head that you don't have needs or that asking for help, making a request to have your needs met is selfish or needy or burdensome.
Nina: Or weak.
Kelle: Yeah, that's the total BS, right? So let's get into this now. Let's talk about how to actually express your unmet needs. This again is where so many high achievers get tripped up and you're not alone here.
Nina: Yeah, so many of us aren't direct or clear when we communicate our needs. We do the opposite. We're passive-aggressive, okay? Let's just call it like it is. So many of us get mad instead of being direct and clear when it comes to getting support around our needs.
Instead of saying simply, hey, would you grab the door for me? My hands are full. We try to do it all ourselves and are resentful on the other side. Or we create catastrophes, right? Or we're demanding, we're overly direct because we've been over-functioning, overdoing, over-producing, and over-giving from that martyr place, right? Who's always doing for others.
Kelle: And who will then also demand for you to do for them. Because, to be honest, you owe them, right? Oh, that feels awful just saying that.
Nina: Yes, it does. Right? But it's true.
Kelle: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you might hear them say, oh, that's fine. After all I do for you, or after all I do around here, no worries, I got it, really. It's exhausting to be on the other side of this familiar conversation, right?
Nina: On either side, totally. And we unwittingly lean on unhealthy and less than healthy communication tools that don't serve us in the long run, like passive aggression.
Kelle: Yeah, how about we unpack the top passive, aggressive, and indirect ways we attempt to speak our needs.
Nina: Yeah, these rarely result in getting our needs met. Instead, they often create a lot of crisis and eye-rolling.
Kelle: And listen, the eye-rolling, man, we've all been there. Totally. And this takes intention. And listen, if you are in relationship with someone, you already knew how to do this argument. You already know how to do this fight, right? It's like, oh, we practice this. I know exactly how this is going to go. Right?
Nina: Really skiing blacks here. Not a beginner. So, listen, you're going to see yourself in the list we're about to read. Let's be real, okay? And that's gold because we can't change what we don't notice.
So we're going to talk a lot about, you know, these four or five different ways passive aggression shows up in our communication. And if you are nodding your head here, go with it. That's really, it's the gold. This is where we begin to show up differently. We can't change what we don't notice. So here we go.
Kelle: Okay. The first is the martyr, right? This one reminds me of all the mother-in-laws out there. This is where you see someone overdoing for everyone around them. The martyr is always in this long-suffering thing, right? They're trapped but won't tap out. They would never do that.
Nina: No, no. Instead of tapping out and putting their feet up, asking for some help or someone to take over for a sec, they make it very obvious they're working really hard. Hair disheveled when they bring dinner to the table, everyone else is cleaned up but them, and they make it really clearly known they are overdone but won't let anyone help.
Kelle: Instead, there's kind of this huffing and puffing and sighing. And when you respond to that, she puts up a wall, right? Like, I've got it.
Nina: Yes. Nodding my head here. One of our clients tells the story of her mother-in-law carrying bags of groceries full of glass jars into the house. Kind of a metaphor, but... Refusing to ask anyone to help her with the door, right? With these bags of glass jars. And so, inevitably, a glass jar falls to the ground and explodes, leading to a nuclear meltdown.
Kelle: Did you pull this out of my memory? I like literally remember this, Nina. All eyes go to her, right? And cue the martyrness.
Nina: Instead of asking for help, she kind of causes a scene, right? Instead of giving her the support and help she needed to pull it all off, but in this indirect way she makes it all about her suffering.
Kelle: Okay, and this leads to number two. This passive aggressive complaining. And this sounds like, "I guess everyone else has more important things to do than help me out, so I've got it."
Nina: Right. I had a manager who was totally the passive-aggressive complainer. She would sort of passive-aggressively say that she'd stay late and finish the project, get it over the finish line, right? And I mean, if I'm being real, she was really good at her job, really good at what she did. So why would we step in? Right.
Then she'd turn it around and complain the next day and we'd get to work. And while the job was done at a high level, she was so passive aggressive about getting it all done. We all felt like shit. The team dynamic just sank and to be honest sucked. She was really tough to work for.
Kelle: Yeah, both to receive these and do these indirect martyr tactics is so disempowering for the whole team. When they make sure everyone knows that their needs are not being met, and that others are prioritizing their own interests over helping them, the poor martyr, right?
Nina: Yeah. It's like in order to feel good, martyrs have to put everyone else down. It's shamey, dysfunctional, indirect, and passive-aggressive, and it creates disconnection. That's the whole point here, right? It doesn't create connection, it creates disconnection.
Kelle: Yeah. Let's go on to number three, the subtle hint. So this might sound like, "Wow, amazing how some people can recognize when someone needs help without asking. I guess not everyone has that ability."
Nina: Geez. This sounds like sort of a kick to the shin, that subtle backhanded BS and likely something this person grew up around and learned.
Kelle: This is all about needing everyone around you to mind read, right? Can you relate here? Like, why doesn't everyone know and just see what I need automatically? Can't they read my mind? I'm obviously in pain here. I obviously need help. Come on, people.
Nina: Yeah, the thing is they don't wanna get vulnerable or scared by asking for what they need. So they throw everyone under the bus. It's hard and passive aggressive. You gotta put everyone else down to make themselves feel better.
Kelle: Oh, it's so like victim-y. It's like that mindset. And we all know people like this, or see it in ourselves sometimes, right?
Nina: Yeah, totally. And remember here, everyone, that people act this way because they learned it or adopted it over time from a young age because it was useful for whatever reason. OK, we just want you to understand this. You don't have to like it. It's not an excuse for bad behavior, but it's sort of the why here, right? We are all different. We're all doing the best we can with the tools and skills and conditioning we have.
Kelle: And I just need to say that again, like us humans, we are all doing the best we can. Even when we're showing up really shitty in like certain moments because we all do. We're doing the best with the tools and skills and conditioning and programs and tapes and all of the learning that has come before. Where our nervous system is, like how we're caring for ourselves. It's all data and how we show up.
Okay, let's move on. Number four, the veiled request. So this sounds like, hey, wow, it would be so awesome if someone did the dishes tonight instead of playing video games. And that would be so helpful, but that's okay if you're too busy. I guess I'll just figure it out. It's all on me.
Nina: Yeah, this is like translated as everyone is a mess up but me. Everyone's lazy but me. That's even better, right, Kelle?
Kelle: You all suck, yeah.
Nina: You guys all suck. Everyone's lazy but me. Kind of shamey, right? I'm laughing. I can totally relate to this.
So I hope our listeners are laughing at themselves too. I mean, when you say it like this, it does the opposite of what you're needing, right? So this makes everyone in the room feel lousy and the person asking still doesn't get what they need.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nina always says, like, people aren't dum-dums, right? Someone will stand up and get the dishes done, but this isn't a sustainable way to get your needs met. Are we right?
Nina: Yeah. Everyone feels like crap for an hour. This is so true. Like everyone feels like crap for an hour and we're neglecting the actual needs of the family, the team, the group.
Kelle: Okay, I don't know. I just have to interject a quick story here because this just reminds me of growing up. And, you know, we were kids, we'd be sitting there watching Saturday morning cartoons because that was literally was on on Saturday mornings. And at some point, my mom, like we knew it was coming, my mom would like completely yell her head off about us turning off the TV and getting to work. Like picking up the house, like cleaning our rooms, like Saturday morning after cartoons, at some point, we didn't really know when, but at some point, the yelling was gonna start, and shit better start happening. Right?
Nina: Totally. Like, you can feel it in your body, can’t you? Like those memories are stored in your nervous system?
Kelle: Yes. Yes.
Nina: Yes, totally. Totally. Okay.
Kelle: Okay. All right. Love you mom Okay, so this leads to number five the guilt trip so this sounds like no no I get it you're super busy. You can help me out when you find the time and your busy schedule. I have needs too. You know, if you cared about me, you'd ask and care.
Nina: So this sounds like a tantrum from a four-year-old, but it's actually 40-something-year-old you.
Kelle: And us, right?
Nina: This is you and me. Unregulated. This is us letting everyone know that we're suffering and need help while also letting everyone know that we're afraid that we don't matter, and don't deserve care, and letting our resentment known in neon lights. Can you relate here?
Kelle: Yeah, yeah. This is you, quote, "doing things for others", right? So you feel like you matter, but those others, they didn't ask you to or want you to, but you hold all of this against them anyway.
Nina Lynch. Ooh, geez.
Kelle: Mm-hmm, super fun. And the cherry on top of this sundae here is that you make everyone think you aren't a caring person or you would care for me. Cue the guilt trip.
Nina: This is all exhausting. I mean, my chest is tight. It creates so much disconnection when we want and need the opposite, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Can we just like take a big breath in and then slowly let it all out, like a longer exhale than an inhale to regulate our nervous system here. The bottom line is we're totally petrified we're going to be abandoned for asking for our needs like the tribe will literally abandon us.
Nina: And this is a lie. Kelle said this to a client the other day in a super loving way. She said, listen, as an adult, the only person who can abandon you is you. You are safe. You have you. You just have to remind yourself of that over and over again on repeat. And we will help you do that. We'll remind you too.
Kelle: Yeah, that was a real breakthrough moment, which was so cool. Cool to watch.
Nina: Can we talk about how this indirect approach creates even more disconnect and resentment and more unmet needs? It's a vicious cycle.
Kelle: Blech, yeah.
Nina: Yeah, People around us are left wondering what the fuck happened here. Or there she goes again. Or I can't do this anymore. I just can't win.
Kelle: Oh, I can't win, man. That is what we hear on repeat over and over again. And that is just a such a BS story. And even this, like, what does she really want for her birthday? Right.
Nina: Listen, they love you and want to support you at the end of the day, but they're left scrambling instead of just being communicated with directly.
Kelle: But hang on remedies. How about some strategies to help you speak your needs?
Nina: Okay, yes. This all starts by cultivating self-awareness. Okay, so if you saw yourself in any of this today, that's where we begin. Then, get to know your own needs and desires. Get to know yourself and amplify your relationship with yourself.
Journaling or working with coaches like us can help you get clear on what you want, which often isn't clear when you've been accidentally neglecting yourself for so long.
Kelle: Yeah, we mean that this is accidental. You don't have to figure out what your needs are, by the way. You're not learning what they are. You just need to remember. You need to remind yourself. You've only forgotten. You just lost track with all of your conditioning and adapting.
Nina: Okay. Second, practice assertive communication. So this is when we use I statements, okay? We make requests, not demands, from a regulated nervous system. We practice this on repeat with our clients because high achievers are constantly in survival.
They are dysregulated. And this isn't where we're operating as our best selves. The framework here is another one we practiced on repeat with clients. It's a modality called compassionate communication or nonviolent communication. And put simply, with some self-awareness, it looks like this.
I feel blank because blank. I need blank and then the gold. Would you be open to? So there's the request, not the demand, right? So here perhaps you'd say, I feel overwhelmed right now carrying these groceries full of glass jars into the house because I've been going for too long without a break. I need support and help. Would you be open to grabbing these bags for me?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Direct communication is so key. And Brene Brown, we've said this before, I just love this saying of hers, like, clear is kind.
Nina: I love that too. It just takes all of the fight, fight, freeze away. Just pulls the air out of the balloon. So start with your kids here when you make requests, or even your pets, right? Don't go straight to your boss or your manager. We start this practice in small ways, easy ways first.
Kelle: Yeah, I love that practice. Okay, three, consider setting boundaries. And we've talked a lot about boundaries, and we have a whole episode on them, episode 33. We didn't learn how to set proper boundaries when we were young. And they are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
We just didn't grow up with them. They might feel scary, but they are resentment prevention. So go slow. You won't be a boundary ninja right away. So be patient with yourself.
Nina: Yeah, be patient. That brings us to number four, honor the no. When you make an ask of people and they say no, know that it doesn't mean anything about you. When your direct report says no, they can't work late, they have to care for their kids or head home. You don't have to take this personally.
You do have to stay regulated and problem-solve though, right, rock stars? Their boundary doesn't have to be a problem. You have the resources and critical thinking to take care of this in a creative way. We're always going to remind you of that as your coaches. You just have to remind yourself of that too.
Kelle: Yeah, this not caring about what other people think is a whole other episode. It's number 34, check it out.
Nina: Oh my gosh, totally. This takes a lot of practice, not taking things personally. So, but working with a coach and practicing this on repeat with guidance and accountability is life giving and relationship changing.
Kelle: Yeah. When we don't fear the no so much, we're so much more willing to ask for what we need. All right, let's move on to number five, focus on receiving rock stars. This is an invitation for all of us, hands down. I think we work with most of our clients on this and they all clench and clam up and constrict.
Nina: But listen, when you receive, you allow others to step up and give them the opportunity to feel good too. Like they get to help. People actually want to help.
Kelle: It’s so true, people want to help.
Nina: And when we don't do this, we're actually like enabling helplessness.
Kelle: Yeah. We all need to be open to receiving if we want more and if we want to be supported and if we want to feel better like this is vital for speaking your needs. You need to get out of the trap of independence.
Nina: Okay, everyone, what are your takeaways here? This was a big one.
Kelle: I think my biggest takeaway here is this idea of building community, of building connection with other people by working together, by taking care of one another, and seeing us all as humans needing and wanting other humans. Like we want connection. I think now more than ever, we want to be in community with people.
Nina: Yeah, And it makes sense. It's like in our DNA as pack animals, as a species, right? And we do this right by sitting next to the people in our lives and trying to understand them, not across the table from them in judgment or survival, so to speak.
Kelle: Yeah, totally. So good.
Nina: Okay, this was a lot though. We love it and we love hearing from you. So let us know your thoughts about this episode.
Kelle: Yeah, we packed a lot into this one. Asking and receiving, It could feel really hard, but it doesn't have to be. Healthy expression just takes practice.
Nina: Yeah, okay, take this and run with it. Thanks for being here today. Keep coming back.
Kelle: Yeah, yeah, thanks so much. And if you thought this was helpful, please forward it on, share it with a friend. Alright, bye for now.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina Lynch: Or gone totally passive-aggressive instead of just asking for what they want?
Kelle: Or stayed quiet to keep the peace, only to feel resentful later?
Nina: As high achievers, we are so used to figuring everything out on our own that asking for what we need feels kind of impossible.
Kelle: Not just impossible, we tell ourselves we're weak, burdensome, needy, and I can go on and on here.
Nina: Yeah, we'd rather overwork, over-function, and over-deliver than actually say, hey, I need a hand or this just isn't working for me.
Kelle: Yeah, these disempowering patterns keep us stuck in that perfectionist, people-pleasing cycle instead of creating the deep, authentic connections we actually want.
Nina: Yeah, when you're afraid to express your needs, you stay stuck where you are, spinning in resentment and overwhelm and isolation, really, you're not collaborative, not authentic, not showing up as that empowered version of yourself we know you can be.
Kelle: All right, so let's do this. Let's talk about why it's so hard for us to ask for unmet needs, how to actually identify your needs and how to express unmet needs in a healthy way and feel safe making requests of the people around you whether they say yes or no.
Nina: Shall we high achievers? Because when we do we can create relationships that actually support us at home and at work.
Kelle: Yeah, which is ultimately what we want and need, right, rock stars?
Nina: Well, see what we did there?
Kelle: All right, let's jump in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. So what we're talking about today, in a nutshell, is this fear of rejection we have when it comes to giving voice to and expressing our needs as high-achieving women.
Kelle: Know what we mean. If you're a high achiever, this sort of wakes up your nervous system. You feel this in your body, right?
Nina: Let's give some examples we've helped clients with here. So one client wanted more attention from her husband. She wanted to ask for a hug. She wanted him to acknowledge her more, ask her how she was doing, take a few ski runs together, even though he was a much better skier than she was. But she didn't want to ask. She didn't want to hold him back or be needy or seem needy, right?
Kelle: Yes, yes. Totally. And that reminds me, we're talking about client examples, but there's this classic example of like, okay, pretend it's your birthday. And you want to be surprised. You want everyone to like acknowledge that it's your birthday.
You want your partner to get you something for your birthday to acknowledge it, but you don't actually ask. You don't ask for what you want, you just kind of expect the people around you to see what you want, to know you. I mean, they've known you for how long, right? They should know what you want for your birthday.
Nina: They should be able to read your mind. That's what you're trying to say, Kel. They want everyone to be a mind reader. Right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah.
Nina: And so you don't say anything about your birthday. And then you're upset when people don't acknowledge your birthday, when they forget.
Kelle: On the other side, totally, totally, totally, yeah.
Nina: That is a classic example of not asking for what you want slash need. Okay, and then bringing this to another client example, a former client that was an executive for a global tech company. She was really suffering from overworking and burnout, and she was starting to feel the effects physically. So she was experiencing frozen shoulder, which by the way has been linked to menopause in part and to stress and she needed to take care of herself, but taking time off was not an option for her. Like she decided it wasn't an option for her, right? Yeah. She really had a difficult time and waited until she was in so much pain. She had to do something about it. And that's when she hired us.
Nina: Okay. One more. How about this one? What about the client who owns her own company, she has somewhere around 10 employees, and was having a really difficult time asking her employees to do things they weren't doing even when it was technically their job to do because she essentially wanted them to like her as a boss. It's like this quiet popularity contest, right?
She was stepping in and doing the work herself, sacrificing her own time because she felt "bad", asking her employees to do it. Basically, she's acting as the COO, not the CEO, right? And we see this a lot, by the way, right, Kelle?
Kelle: Yeah, we see it a lot. And listen, these are not weak women. These are women that are complete mavericks. They're confident and assertive and empowered until they have to make a request that benefits themselves.
Nina: Yeah, we tell ourselves we're being too demanding when asking for our needs to be met, right? We are inviting conflict and even abandonment so we don't ask.
Kelle: After all, we could get kicked out of the tribe. Who wants that?
Nina: No, so we keep our mouths shut and we tow the line towards safety. It's like when we consider expressing our needs and someone says no, it's a rejection at the core of who you are.
Kelle: And This causes us to be fiercely independent, right? And I'm sure that if you're listening to this, listening to us, like that is you, right? Just this, I got it mentality, so to speak.
Nina: Totally. In our perfectionism and people pleasing, we learn to prioritize other people's needs above our own, sacrificing our own needs and well-being towards the goal of feeling or being safer, towards more belonging in the tribe.
Kelle: Yeah, we shapeshift and chameleon our way into mattering to our family and our community, and we source our value and our worth from outside of ourselves.
Nina: At our core, we worry we aren't worthy of love, receiving our unmet needs, things. It's a pattern written into our nervous systems.
Kelle: We tell ourselves our needs aren't important. Like they're a burden. Everyone else's needs are more important and so we displace our own.
Nina: Yeah, like when we hop up from the table to get something for someone, right? And they can clearly do it themselves, but we do it for them anyway. Or we say yes to working late instead of going to the doctor's appointment. Or moving the kids to whatever they have going on instead of honoring our own downtime, right?
Kelle: Yeah, but then when we do honor our needs and ourself, we feel guilty and selfish.
Nina: And being selfish is like a stain in society today, right?
Kelle: Our needs feel like a burden and inconsequential. And asking for needs is so vulnerable. Our nervous system doesn't feel safe doing it. So we don't.
Nina: Yeah. All of this over giving leads to exhaustion and we get resentful and lose our sense of ourselves and our identity over time.
Kelle: Yeah, we don't ask for help. And instead, we actually debate with ourselves in asking for help.
Nina: Yeah, we minimize and apologize for our needs. We dilute our message and avoid conflict, right? We make excuses and indirect requests like, I don't know if you have a sec, I know you're really busy and your time is super valuable, but if you can take a few seconds and edit this, blah, blah, blah, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. It feels selfish and needy and like you can't handle it and this is too scary being selfish and needy is not safe.
Nina: And so we unwittingly perpetuate the cycle putting ourselves last and our well-being is compromised.
Kelle: Yeah, I'm thinking of another client here. She's a real estate broker, and she was going through some personal challenges. And she had a real estate partner, but she didn't want to make it look like she wasn't upholding her end of the partnership. She suffered in silence for a long while because she didn't want to say anything. She didn't want to ask for what she needed, in this case, extra downtime.
And again, she worked well over 50 hours a week. She was no slacker by any means, but talking to her real estate partner, her team members about her needs was really difficult for her because she didn't wanna be judged or thought of as not doing enough.
Nina: But listen, we are pack animals, right? We do actually need each other. It's not a problem to need others. The problem arises when we don't ask for support.
Kelle: But we tell ourselves that needing others is weak and risky and threatening, so we try to meet our own needs.
Nina: And so we get caught in this trap of independence, right? We tell ourselves we aren't supposed to need people. Listen, not depending on anyone is not based in the science of being human. Kelle and I love science, right?
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Please don't go it alone. Of course you want the people who love you to support you in meeting your needs.
Kelle: Yeah, we love helping others just as a human species. Like, how good does it feel to help somebody else? It feels so good to serve and help and support. And this is a huge part of connection. And we often like take that opportunity away for the other side of it and don't let the other people step in right we don't give them the opportunity.
Nina: Yeah, giving is key and the other part of connection also key receiving.
Kelle: Yes, can you receive? Is your nervous system safe when you receive? Can you get there?
Nina: Yeah, it's a two-fold challenge for the women we work with, for all high achievers out there. Can you ask for help with a regulated nervous system? And can you receive that help with a regulated nervous system without beating yourself up unapologetically, without feeling like a burden inconveniencing the people around you?
Kelle: Yeah, I really found this out when I had cancer last year and really needed to rely on other people to bring food to our house, to give rides to my kids' places, to take care of some things that I just didn't have the energy or bandwidth to do myself. And it was a real eye opener for me to be like, wow, it was really hard for me to let people do things for me. And I learned so much from that.
Nina: So cool. Such a cool invitation.
Kelle: Yeah, right. Yeah. But let's back up for a sec. The real problem lies in how we ask for our needs to be met. How we try to get our needs met.
Nina: Yeah, it often comes from the wounding, our own personal wounding that says, it's not okay for us to have needs met or even needs in general. I'm not worthy of being taken care of.
Kelle: When we expect other people to self-abandon the way we do, we create a lose-lose situation for everybody. Totally unwittingly, right? Like, they are so needy or high maintenance, right?
Nina: Yeah, there's this back and forth resentment that's created and it's poisonous to ourselves and our relationships.
Kelle: And it creates a lot of confusion around needs for other people to have them, too, right? Because we tell ourselves it's not OK to have needs, us or anyone else.
Nina: Yeah, they're a burden. Right. High maintenance or needy. Right.
Kelle: We learned this a long time ago. We were told we were being demanding, maybe by our parents who didn't exactly model naming their needs and asking for them to be met.
Nina: Yeah, so we are all doing our best. It's so true. We are all doing the best we can with what we have.
Kelle: Okay, so question. What does it feel like in your body when you have a need? So we're sitting in the taco place and you need to ask someone to pass the guac. What does it feel like in your body that you have a need and that it would be optimal for someone to help you? Like what's the feeling?
Do you want to barf? Are you angry? Do you have hives coming up?
Nina: Yeah, totally. What's the feeling that comes with that? The emotions. Pay attention to this. Pay attention to your own needs and learn how to know what you need and then ask for unmet needs.
Kelle: And here's where it's key to know the difference between making a request and making a demand, right?
Nina: Yes, totally. Here we go. Kelle, would you rather someone be direct with you or indirect?
Kelle: Oh my God, please be direct, please.
Nina: Right? Would you rather someone be passive aggressive or direct?
Kelle: 100%, like 1000% direct, of course. Please do not dance around it. Don't say you don't want help and then be really resentful that you're having to do it all by yourself.
I have someone in my life, not going to say who it is, but it's clear to me they could use the help, but don't ask, don't even accept, and then complain about having to do it all. They get that resentment rash.
Nina: Yeah, totally. And we'll get into this in a sec, but what happens when we identify a need we have, an unmet need, right, is we don't regulate our nervous systems before we take action to get our needs met.
Kelle: It's how we express our needs and ask for help that is the huge pitfall for most high-achieving women. All of our clients, and me, and Nina, Like, can you relate here?
Nina: Yeah, totally. We're in survival. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn chronically. And when we are, our critical thinking goes offline. You've heard us talk about this before. So we're reactive and emotional, not collaborative, caring, compassionate, or curious. We call these the 4 C's of a regulated nervous system.
Kelle: Yeah. So what happens is we identify that unmet need, even if it's just a hand bringing the groceries into the house, we're asking from a place of overdone-ness, like overwhelmed and overworked and under-rested, over-productive, and this is called long suffering in some circles.
Nina: Yeah, and so of course our ask comes out in a really shitty way. Passive aggressive, likely and indirect. And we ultimately don't get our needs met.
Kelle: We're not saying you're doing it all wrong. You should know better.
Nina: No, no, no, not at all. We all show up in our relationships and communicate the way we do from years of conditioning. You've heard us talk about this a lot, right?
Kelle: Yes. All of our character flaws. And before I say this sentence, I just have to say, Kelle, your voice is so calm. Like, your voice is so calm, it almost sounds like an SNL skit. Like, no, no, no, not at all. I just, I like, I was starting to, like, continue on in the podcast and I couldn't just leave that on. I couldn't leave it unsaid.
Nina: What are those ladies’ names? Okay. Yeah. Oh, we got to look that up and put it in the show notes or something.
Kelle: Right, right. Yeah, really funny. Okay, getting my composure back. Yes. All of our character flaws and even our not-so-favorite behaviors are most likely survival mechanisms from our youth. Ways of being that we've practiced for a very, very, very long time.
Nina: Yeah, we either were modeled communication in a certain way, or we adapted to communicate a certain way to accommodate a caregiver or family member or guardian. Does this land?
Kelle: Our perfectionist tendencies, people pleasing, codependence, or for some of us, our ruthless independence, are all ways of being we adapted and practice from a young age.
Nina: And this is where coaching is gold because when you work with a coach, coaches like us, we help you identify these old tendencies and ways of being and find safety in healthier, more sustainable ways.
Kelle: Yeah, we help you regulate your nervous system so your perfectionism doesn't hold you back anymore. Your people pleasing, your passive aggression, your ruthless independence. We show you how to put each of these tendencies on a dimmer switch, as Nina likes to say.
Nina: Yeah, these can absolutely be your superpowers, but not when they're cranked up to 11 every day on repeat, right? We'll show you how to live in the nuance, the in-between. To be the master of the challenges that come your way. To know how to do the hard stuff in an effective, sustainable way. To react and recover from the hard stuff. To expand that edge. To expand your capacity. To feel alive in the hard stuff.
Kelle: Like we said earlier, we are pack animals. We humans are pack animals. And we're supposed to live in community and help each other. It does truly take a village for our species to survive. All of this science supports the fact that we are not meant to go it alone, to not have needs.
Nina: And listen, rock stars, we need your capacity. We need your edge. We need your ambition. And we need to see you take care of yourself in a way that supports everything you want to do next.
Kelle: We know you want more, but you don't really know how to get there because the way you're doing it feels terrible and it isn't sustainable.
Nina: There are so many people who want to support you, who are on the same mission. Can you lead and set an example for everyone watching you to get your needs met in a healthy way? This only makes you and what you want to do to move forward more capable.
Kelle: Yeah, we need to unwind the story in your head that you don't have needs or that asking for help, making a request to have your needs met is selfish or needy or burdensome.
Nina: Or weak.
Kelle: Yeah, that's the total BS, right? So let's get into this now. Let's talk about how to actually express your unmet needs. This again is where so many high achievers get tripped up and you're not alone here.
Nina: Yeah, so many of us aren't direct or clear when we communicate our needs. We do the opposite. We're passive-aggressive, okay? Let's just call it like it is. So many of us get mad instead of being direct and clear when it comes to getting support around our needs.
Instead of saying simply, hey, would you grab the door for me? My hands are full. We try to do it all ourselves and are resentful on the other side. Or we create catastrophes, right? Or we're demanding, we're overly direct because we've been over-functioning, overdoing, over-producing, and over-giving from that martyr place, right? Who's always doing for others.
Kelle: And who will then also demand for you to do for them. Because, to be honest, you owe them, right? Oh, that feels awful just saying that.
Nina: Yes, it does. Right? But it's true.
Kelle: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you might hear them say, oh, that's fine. After all I do for you, or after all I do around here, no worries, I got it, really. It's exhausting to be on the other side of this familiar conversation, right?
Nina: On either side, totally. And we unwittingly lean on unhealthy and less than healthy communication tools that don't serve us in the long run, like passive aggression.
Kelle: Yeah, how about we unpack the top passive, aggressive, and indirect ways we attempt to speak our needs.
Nina: Yeah, these rarely result in getting our needs met. Instead, they often create a lot of crisis and eye-rolling.
Kelle: And listen, the eye-rolling, man, we've all been there. Totally. And this takes intention. And listen, if you are in relationship with someone, you already knew how to do this argument. You already know how to do this fight, right? It's like, oh, we practice this. I know exactly how this is going to go. Right?
Nina: Really skiing blacks here. Not a beginner. So, listen, you're going to see yourself in the list we're about to read. Let's be real, okay? And that's gold because we can't change what we don't notice.
So we're going to talk a lot about, you know, these four or five different ways passive aggression shows up in our communication. And if you are nodding your head here, go with it. That's really, it's the gold. This is where we begin to show up differently. We can't change what we don't notice. So here we go.
Kelle: Okay. The first is the martyr, right? This one reminds me of all the mother-in-laws out there. This is where you see someone overdoing for everyone around them. The martyr is always in this long-suffering thing, right? They're trapped but won't tap out. They would never do that.
Nina: No, no. Instead of tapping out and putting their feet up, asking for some help or someone to take over for a sec, they make it very obvious they're working really hard. Hair disheveled when they bring dinner to the table, everyone else is cleaned up but them, and they make it really clearly known they are overdone but won't let anyone help.
Kelle: Instead, there's kind of this huffing and puffing and sighing. And when you respond to that, she puts up a wall, right? Like, I've got it.
Nina: Yes. Nodding my head here. One of our clients tells the story of her mother-in-law carrying bags of groceries full of glass jars into the house. Kind of a metaphor, but... Refusing to ask anyone to help her with the door, right? With these bags of glass jars. And so, inevitably, a glass jar falls to the ground and explodes, leading to a nuclear meltdown.
Kelle: Did you pull this out of my memory? I like literally remember this, Nina. All eyes go to her, right? And cue the martyrness.
Nina: Instead of asking for help, she kind of causes a scene, right? Instead of giving her the support and help she needed to pull it all off, but in this indirect way she makes it all about her suffering.
Kelle: Okay, and this leads to number two. This passive aggressive complaining. And this sounds like, "I guess everyone else has more important things to do than help me out, so I've got it."
Nina: Right. I had a manager who was totally the passive-aggressive complainer. She would sort of passive-aggressively say that she'd stay late and finish the project, get it over the finish line, right? And I mean, if I'm being real, she was really good at her job, really good at what she did. So why would we step in? Right.
Then she'd turn it around and complain the next day and we'd get to work. And while the job was done at a high level, she was so passive aggressive about getting it all done. We all felt like shit. The team dynamic just sank and to be honest sucked. She was really tough to work for.
Kelle: Yeah, both to receive these and do these indirect martyr tactics is so disempowering for the whole team. When they make sure everyone knows that their needs are not being met, and that others are prioritizing their own interests over helping them, the poor martyr, right?
Nina: Yeah. It's like in order to feel good, martyrs have to put everyone else down. It's shamey, dysfunctional, indirect, and passive-aggressive, and it creates disconnection. That's the whole point here, right? It doesn't create connection, it creates disconnection.
Kelle: Yeah. Let's go on to number three, the subtle hint. So this might sound like, "Wow, amazing how some people can recognize when someone needs help without asking. I guess not everyone has that ability."
Nina: Geez. This sounds like sort of a kick to the shin, that subtle backhanded BS and likely something this person grew up around and learned.
Kelle: This is all about needing everyone around you to mind read, right? Can you relate here? Like, why doesn't everyone know and just see what I need automatically? Can't they read my mind? I'm obviously in pain here. I obviously need help. Come on, people.
Nina: Yeah, the thing is they don't wanna get vulnerable or scared by asking for what they need. So they throw everyone under the bus. It's hard and passive aggressive. You gotta put everyone else down to make themselves feel better.
Kelle: Oh, it's so like victim-y. It's like that mindset. And we all know people like this, or see it in ourselves sometimes, right?
Nina: Yeah, totally. And remember here, everyone, that people act this way because they learned it or adopted it over time from a young age because it was useful for whatever reason. OK, we just want you to understand this. You don't have to like it. It's not an excuse for bad behavior, but it's sort of the why here, right? We are all different. We're all doing the best we can with the tools and skills and conditioning we have.
Kelle: And I just need to say that again, like us humans, we are all doing the best we can. Even when we're showing up really shitty in like certain moments because we all do. We're doing the best with the tools and skills and conditioning and programs and tapes and all of the learning that has come before. Where our nervous system is, like how we're caring for ourselves. It's all data and how we show up.
Okay, let's move on. Number four, the veiled request. So this sounds like, hey, wow, it would be so awesome if someone did the dishes tonight instead of playing video games. And that would be so helpful, but that's okay if you're too busy. I guess I'll just figure it out. It's all on me.
Nina: Yeah, this is like translated as everyone is a mess up but me. Everyone's lazy but me. That's even better, right, Kelle?
Kelle: You all suck, yeah.
Nina: You guys all suck. Everyone's lazy but me. Kind of shamey, right? I'm laughing. I can totally relate to this.
So I hope our listeners are laughing at themselves too. I mean, when you say it like this, it does the opposite of what you're needing, right? So this makes everyone in the room feel lousy and the person asking still doesn't get what they need.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nina always says, like, people aren't dum-dums, right? Someone will stand up and get the dishes done, but this isn't a sustainable way to get your needs met. Are we right?
Nina: Yeah. Everyone feels like crap for an hour. This is so true. Like everyone feels like crap for an hour and we're neglecting the actual needs of the family, the team, the group.
Kelle: Okay, I don't know. I just have to interject a quick story here because this just reminds me of growing up. And, you know, we were kids, we'd be sitting there watching Saturday morning cartoons because that was literally was on on Saturday mornings. And at some point, my mom, like we knew it was coming, my mom would like completely yell her head off about us turning off the TV and getting to work. Like picking up the house, like cleaning our rooms, like Saturday morning after cartoons, at some point, we didn't really know when, but at some point, the yelling was gonna start, and shit better start happening. Right?
Nina: Totally. Like, you can feel it in your body, can’t you? Like those memories are stored in your nervous system?
Kelle: Yes. Yes.
Nina: Yes, totally. Totally. Okay.
Kelle: Okay. All right. Love you mom Okay, so this leads to number five the guilt trip so this sounds like no no I get it you're super busy. You can help me out when you find the time and your busy schedule. I have needs too. You know, if you cared about me, you'd ask and care.
Nina: So this sounds like a tantrum from a four-year-old, but it's actually 40-something-year-old you.
Kelle: And us, right?
Nina: This is you and me. Unregulated. This is us letting everyone know that we're suffering and need help while also letting everyone know that we're afraid that we don't matter, and don't deserve care, and letting our resentment known in neon lights. Can you relate here?
Kelle: Yeah, yeah. This is you, quote, "doing things for others", right? So you feel like you matter, but those others, they didn't ask you to or want you to, but you hold all of this against them anyway.
Nina Lynch. Ooh, geez.
Kelle: Mm-hmm, super fun. And the cherry on top of this sundae here is that you make everyone think you aren't a caring person or you would care for me. Cue the guilt trip.
Nina: This is all exhausting. I mean, my chest is tight. It creates so much disconnection when we want and need the opposite, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Can we just like take a big breath in and then slowly let it all out, like a longer exhale than an inhale to regulate our nervous system here. The bottom line is we're totally petrified we're going to be abandoned for asking for our needs like the tribe will literally abandon us.
Nina: And this is a lie. Kelle said this to a client the other day in a super loving way. She said, listen, as an adult, the only person who can abandon you is you. You are safe. You have you. You just have to remind yourself of that over and over again on repeat. And we will help you do that. We'll remind you too.
Kelle: Yeah, that was a real breakthrough moment, which was so cool. Cool to watch.
Nina: Can we talk about how this indirect approach creates even more disconnect and resentment and more unmet needs? It's a vicious cycle.
Kelle: Blech, yeah.
Nina: Yeah, People around us are left wondering what the fuck happened here. Or there she goes again. Or I can't do this anymore. I just can't win.
Kelle: Oh, I can't win, man. That is what we hear on repeat over and over again. And that is just a such a BS story. And even this, like, what does she really want for her birthday? Right.
Nina: Listen, they love you and want to support you at the end of the day, but they're left scrambling instead of just being communicated with directly.
Kelle: But hang on remedies. How about some strategies to help you speak your needs?
Nina: Okay, yes. This all starts by cultivating self-awareness. Okay, so if you saw yourself in any of this today, that's where we begin. Then, get to know your own needs and desires. Get to know yourself and amplify your relationship with yourself.
Journaling or working with coaches like us can help you get clear on what you want, which often isn't clear when you've been accidentally neglecting yourself for so long.
Kelle: Yeah, we mean that this is accidental. You don't have to figure out what your needs are, by the way. You're not learning what they are. You just need to remember. You need to remind yourself. You've only forgotten. You just lost track with all of your conditioning and adapting.
Nina: Okay. Second, practice assertive communication. So this is when we use I statements, okay? We make requests, not demands, from a regulated nervous system. We practice this on repeat with our clients because high achievers are constantly in survival.
They are dysregulated. And this isn't where we're operating as our best selves. The framework here is another one we practiced on repeat with clients. It's a modality called compassionate communication or nonviolent communication. And put simply, with some self-awareness, it looks like this.
I feel blank because blank. I need blank and then the gold. Would you be open to? So there's the request, not the demand, right? So here perhaps you'd say, I feel overwhelmed right now carrying these groceries full of glass jars into the house because I've been going for too long without a break. I need support and help. Would you be open to grabbing these bags for me?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Direct communication is so key. And Brene Brown, we've said this before, I just love this saying of hers, like, clear is kind.
Nina: I love that too. It just takes all of the fight, fight, freeze away. Just pulls the air out of the balloon. So start with your kids here when you make requests, or even your pets, right? Don't go straight to your boss or your manager. We start this practice in small ways, easy ways first.
Kelle: Yeah, I love that practice. Okay, three, consider setting boundaries. And we've talked a lot about boundaries, and we have a whole episode on them, episode 33. We didn't learn how to set proper boundaries when we were young. And they are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
We just didn't grow up with them. They might feel scary, but they are resentment prevention. So go slow. You won't be a boundary ninja right away. So be patient with yourself.
Nina: Yeah, be patient. That brings us to number four, honor the no. When you make an ask of people and they say no, know that it doesn't mean anything about you. When your direct report says no, they can't work late, they have to care for their kids or head home. You don't have to take this personally.
You do have to stay regulated and problem-solve though, right, rock stars? Their boundary doesn't have to be a problem. You have the resources and critical thinking to take care of this in a creative way. We're always going to remind you of that as your coaches. You just have to remind yourself of that too.
Kelle: Yeah, this not caring about what other people think is a whole other episode. It's number 34, check it out.
Nina: Oh my gosh, totally. This takes a lot of practice, not taking things personally. So, but working with a coach and practicing this on repeat with guidance and accountability is life giving and relationship changing.
Kelle: Yeah. When we don't fear the no so much, we're so much more willing to ask for what we need. All right, let's move on to number five, focus on receiving rock stars. This is an invitation for all of us, hands down. I think we work with most of our clients on this and they all clench and clam up and constrict.
Nina: But listen, when you receive, you allow others to step up and give them the opportunity to feel good too. Like they get to help. People actually want to help.
Kelle: It’s so true, people want to help.
Nina: And when we don't do this, we're actually like enabling helplessness.
Kelle: Yeah. We all need to be open to receiving if we want more and if we want to be supported and if we want to feel better like this is vital for speaking your needs. You need to get out of the trap of independence.
Nina: Okay, everyone, what are your takeaways here? This was a big one.
Kelle: I think my biggest takeaway here is this idea of building community, of building connection with other people by working together, by taking care of one another, and seeing us all as humans needing and wanting other humans. Like we want connection. I think now more than ever, we want to be in community with people.
Nina: Yeah, And it makes sense. It's like in our DNA as pack animals, as a species, right? And we do this right by sitting next to the people in our lives and trying to understand them, not across the table from them in judgment or survival, so to speak.
Kelle: Yeah, totally. So good.
Nina: Okay, this was a lot though. We love it and we love hearing from you. So let us know your thoughts about this episode.
Kelle: Yeah, we packed a lot into this one. Asking and receiving, It could feel really hard, but it doesn't have to be. Healthy expression just takes practice.
Nina: Yeah, okay, take this and run with it. Thanks for being here today. Keep coming back.
Kelle: Yeah, yeah, thanks so much. And if you thought this was helpful, please forward it on, share it with a friend. Alright, bye for now.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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