48. Rewire Your Brain: How To Break Free From Negativity Spirals

Do you ever feel like your brain is stuck in a negative thought spiral? Like your inner critic is working overtime, everything feels heavy, and you're convinced you're the only one who can't get it together? Well, I have some good news - it's not just you. And more importantly, it's not your fault.

In this episode, we're diving deep into why our brains love to default to worst-case scenarios and negative thought patterns. As it turns out, our brains are actually trying to protect us. But in our modern world, this default negativity bias often does more harm than good.

The even better news? You can break free from that mental hamster wheel of negativity. And we've got some powerful, science-backed tools to help you do just that. No empty "just think positive" advice here. We're showing you how to shift your mindset in a real, authentic way - without pretending everything is fine. Because you deserve so much better than living in a constant negative echo chamber. Let's get into it.


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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • Why your brain defaults to negative thoughts and worst-case scenarios

  • How your thoughts create your feelings (and why this is so empowering)

  • The evolutionary reason our brains are wired for negativity and how this impacts us today

  • How to notice, question and redirect negative thoughts

  • Why positive affirmations often don't work and what to do instead

  • How to create new neural pathways that support a more positive mindset

  • The power of nuance and finding better-feeling thoughts that are authentic to you

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

Kelle: Hey there, rock stars. Ever feel like you're stuck in a spiral? You know the one, where your inner critic is working overtime, everything feels heavy, and you're convinced you're the only one who can't get their act together.

Nina: Raising my hand here. But here's the thing, that negative mindset, it's not your fault. And you're definitely not alone.

Kelle: Today, we're diving into why your brain loves to default to worst-case scenarios.

Nina: Spoiler alert, it's actually trying to protect you.

Kelle: And more importantly, how to break free from that mental hamster wheel.

Nina: We've got some game-changing tools that aren't just the usual think-positive BS here. Because let's be real, if it was that simple, you wouldn't be here right now, right?

Kelle: Right. Yes. So grab your coffee or your favorite bevy of choice. We don't discriminate here. And join us as we unpack how to shift that mindset without pretending everything is fine.

Nina: Yeah, because you deserve better than living in that negative echo chamber. And we're going to show you exactly how to get out.

Kelly: All right. Let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.

Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.

Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.

Nina: And I'm Nina. Before we dive in today, we want to paint a picture. Right. You're a smart, driven woman with what looks like a pretty great life on paper. Maybe you have a partner, kids, you're creating success at work.

Kelle: And from the outside, you look mostly happy, but on the inside, that's a different story.

Nina: Yeah. You're stressed, overextended. It feels like you're just rushing through life, right? You go to bed thinking about what didn't get done.

Kelle: You wake up thinking about everything that you have to do.

Nina: And it all just feels like one big grind.

Kelle: If this is hitting home, if you're struggling with a negative mindset, we want you to know something really important. Listen, it's totally normal.

Nina: Yeah. Let's underline that, right? We've been there. Like we were exactly where you are.

Kelle: Here's the good news though. We've not only figured out how to shift out of those negative thought patterns ourselves, we've helped hundreds of high achieving women do the same.

Nina: And we might teach this in a different way than you've heard before. As coaches, we're trained to help you become aware of what's happening in your brain, why it's there and what to do with it.

Kelle: Yeah. We call this managing your mind or thought work. This is how we get to the root cause of our clients' challenges and help them create lifelong change from the inside out, not the outside in.

Nina: Yeah, can we share a real client example here, Kel? Because this is so powerful.

Kelly: Yeah, this is exactly what one of our clients told us in her own words during a call. And I bet so many of you are going to see yourself in this.

Nina: Yeah, she said, I'm sitting at my desk at 9 p.m. pissed off every night. When my phone rings, I roll my eyes if a client or someone needs me.

Kelle: Yeah, she went on to say, I'm not patient. I don't do well sitting still, and I've reached some of my biggest goals in life, but I don't feel fulfilled.

Nina: This part really got me. She said, I know I could show up better for my kids, especially my difficult one. I'm doing good at work, but can't treat myself and family as well.

Kelle: Yeah, and then she described this feeling of like, this numbness, like she's just going through the motions. She struggles to say no, misses how she and her husband used to be before they started putting all their energy into work.

Nina: Yeah, she's seeking approval for her achievements, feeling frazzled and sweaty and anxious all the time. She can't think clearly.

Kelle: Yeah, and her colleagues are irritating. She can't rely on them to do anything right. And she's burning out at work.

Nina: And my heart just broke when she said, I feel like I have the word stuck written on my forehead. I can't win.

Kelle: Yeah, so wherever your stuck places are, whatever season you're in, at work, in your relationships, family challenges, with your self-concept, listen, we've got you. Let Kelly: Let's break this down.

Nina: Okay, so first up, let's talk about what negative thoughts actually are, right, Kelly? Because I think this is going to blow some minds.

Kelle: Right, so negative thoughts are basically just unwanted sentences in your mind. That's it.

Nina: But here's what makes them so awful. They create negative feelings, right? You think a negative thought and boom, you've got anger, guilt, shame, unfulfillment. Disappointment is a huge one, right? Anxiety.

Kelle: Yeah, yeah. This is the one simple truth of our coaching practice. Your thoughts create your feelings.

Nina: Yeah, you've heard us talk about this before, right? It's not your obligations, your work, your kids, your family, your relationships that cause your negative or even positive feelings. It's your thoughts about them.

Kelle: Okay. Can we just nerd out and talk about neural pathways? Because listen, this is fascinating.

Nina: Yeah. Nerd alert here. Your brain has these highways of thought called neural pathways. And the more you practice those neural pathways, the easier it is to think those thoughts.

Kelle: Yeah, it's like blazing a trail in the woods. We see this all the time here in Park City with our hiking and biking and ski trails.

Nina: Right, it takes repetition to create the trail. But once it's cleared, it's so much easier to take that trail than it is to bushwhack a new one.

Kelle: Yeah, that's exactly how our brains work. They follow the path of least resistance. The more our brains practice a thought, the easier it becomes to think it over and over again.

Nina: So thinking the thought, I can't win on repeat day in and day out will make you feel a certain way day in and day out. Like you actually can't win.

Kelle: Yeah. And here's what's key. Your brain gets in the habit of thinking this and you start to think it by default and you don't think you have another choice here.

Nina: Yeah, this is why it's so important to separate out thoughts and feelings from the facts, or what we call circumstances.

Kelle: Yeah, let's use our client example. So the facts are, she has a job, she has clients that call her, she has kids and a partner, she has colleagues, and she isn't sleeping through the night. Like those are the facts.

Nina: Yeah. These are like neutral circumstances until your brain comes up with thoughts about them, until your brain puts them through its unique filter, and your brain comes up with thoughts pretty quickly.

Kelle: Yeah. But here's what most people don't know, and this is huge. You have a choice in what you think. And I'm just going to say that again. Yeah. We're just going to underline and bold that you have a choice in what you're thinking all the time.

Nina: This is kind of head exploding. You have a choice in what you think.

Kelle: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah. Just because something happens outside of you doesn't mean that you have to think I have the word stuck written on my forehead or I can't win.

Nina: This is what we call the inner work. Because listen, if we could tell you how to control your clients, co-workers, family or the requests that are made of you at work, we would and we would be kajillionaires.

Kelle: I mean how many zeros is that? I don't know.

Nina: Many. Too many.

Kelle: As much as we want to, we can't control other people and damn it, I wish we could. I really wish we could.

Nina: But we can. We can do the inner work on ourselves to figure out what's going on in our brains, rewire that thinking, change those neural pathways, and change how we're feeling so we can feel more empowered.

Kelle: All right. Let's talk about why our brains do this, why we default to negative thoughts.

Nina: This is important. Our default brain is always looking for danger.

Kelly: Yeah. And it doesn't default to happiness. And there's actually a really good reason for that.

Nina: Right. That lower part of your brain, your monkey brain, survival brain, lizard brain, toddler brain, you've heard us refer to it in many different ways. Whatever you want to call it, all it wants to do is make sure you're safe. It prioritizes survival.

Kelle: Yeah. So if we're on a walk and we're crossing the street, listen, it's really helpful to be able to watch for danger, right?

Nina: Yeah. Not so useful when we're in our home or office and looking at what's wrong in our lives, that the client keeps calling or that the colleague is acting in a certain way or that our quote unquote difficult child said words.

Kelle: Okay. And here's what's wild. We make everything mean something with how we think about it. And we often make it mean something about ourselves.

Nina: Right. And you may not want to be happy about your colleague's behavior or the words your quote unquote difficult child says, but there are so many other options than being stressed or irritated.

Kelle: Yeah. This is why understanding how our brain works is so powerful. Until we understand that it'll always look for the negative on default and we just think we can't change it.

Nina: And it makes so much sense evolutionarily. This is why we can't help but watch the news and we're alerted to anything that feels scary. Our brain wants to protect us and our family so we can survive.

Kelle: Super useful again, thousands of years ago with predators. Just not so much a day in our office or at our homes with our families.

Nina: Yeah, our brains haven't evolved as quickly as the world around us. So this survival brain actually works against us in our everyday lives. This is so key.

Kelle: But knowing that gives us so much power and authority over what to do to solve for it. So can we talk about what to actually do with negative thoughts?

Nina: Yes, because here's what's mind blowing. Your brain doesn't know it has options.

Kelle: When we explain this concept to clients, it's like their heads explode and my head totally exploded when I learned this for the first time. All they know is that negative thoughts feel terrible because they create negative feelings.

Nina: Here's the truth. You can think anything at any time.

Kelle: Yeah, let's use that thought from our client example. I can't win.

Nina: That's one thought you can think based on an irritating colleague requests being made at work, lack of sleep, clients' expectations. But there are thousands of other thoughts you can think that might help you feel better.

Kelle: Yeah, now here's where people often get tripped up. They try to go straight to the opposite extreme.

Nina: Right, like trying to be so happy about everything. That isn't going to feel good either. Pretending, am I right? Positive affirmations don't work because if they don't feel real, if we feel like we're pretending, we won't feel better.

Kelly: Your brain is going to know that's not true for you. But, and this is key, it doesn't know about all the thoughts in between, in the middle.

Nina: This is where nuance comes in. Let's look at some examples from our client.

Kelly: Yeah, okay, so instead of I can't win, you can think sometimes I win, sometimes I don't, which actually feels real and true, right?

Nina: Yeah, yeah. Instead of, “I have stuck written on my forehead,” you could think I'm not stuck. I think I'm right where I need to be.

Kelle: Mm-hmm, instead of thinking this is hard, try this is hard and I can do hard things. Thank you, Glennon Doyle.

Nina: But we want you to try on these thoughts like you're in the dressing room at Nordstrom. We don't adopt them unless they feel better for you.

Kelle: Mm-hmm, take your default thought and if it feels like anxiety, overwhelm, irritation, frustration, shame, any of those types of things, you want to try to come up with a thought that feels better. So a better feeling thought, to think on purpose.

Nina: Now this is where the real work comes in. It takes repetition.

Kelly: Going back to our trail analogy, right? Because you know we love our trails in Park City.

Nina: We really do, but it's perfect here. It takes repetition and intention to blaze a new trail. We're bushwhacking for a while, actually.

Kelle: Yeah, we want the trail to be smooth and open and easy, just like we want thoughts to happen to us.

Nina: But here's the thing, you can't just read a cookbook to learn how to cook. We have to get in the kitchen and cook, get a little messy, experiment.

Kelle: This is exactly like thinking on purpose. You do this by first pausing and noticing what you're thinking, then get curious about the thought and finally redirecting it.

Nina: So thinking the thought, I can't win, feels terrible. Instead, I want to think that sometimes I win. Sometimes I don't. It's that simple.

Kelle: And hang on just to go back for a sec, that thought, I can't win. Like, it feels terrible, but it also feels really true. And this is where we want you to question what's happening in your brain instead of just like going along with it. It seems really simple, right? But it doesn't always seem that easy. It doesn't mean it's gonna be easy for you.

Nina: There's this element of practice that's required here. And rockstars, this is exactly why we work with women in our two-on-one coaching program for six months at least, right, Kel?

Kelle: Yes. If you're resonating with what you've heard today about how you can change your thoughts by understanding your brain and learning to make it work for you instead of against you, we would love to help you personally.

Nina: Yeah. We invite you to schedule a consultation with us and learn more about coaching with us because you don't have to stay stuck in these negative thought patterns.

Kelle: Your brain might be wired for negativity. I mean, all of ours are, right?

Nina: Not just you. All of us.

Kelle: But you have the power to create new neural pathways, new trails, that serve you so much better.

Nina: Yeah, totally. We've got you here. Schedule that consultation. Thanks for being here today, rockstars.

Kelle: Yeah. Remember, your thoughts create your reality, so choose them on purpose.

Nina: Yeah, change your default thoughts, change your life.

Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thanks for being here. See you next time.

Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.

Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.

Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.

Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.

Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.

Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.

Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.

Kelle: See you in the next episode!

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47. How To Set Goals You’ll Actually Achieve This Year