50. Ditch the Relationship Drama: 4 Habits to Eliminate for Deeper Connections
Do you ever find yourself complaining about your partner or coworker, only to feel terrible afterward? Or blaming someone else for making you feel guilty, hurt, or disappointed? How about getting defensive when receiving feedback, only to make matters worse?
We've all been there - complaining, blaming, defending, and assuming are normal patterns in relationships. But they're also disempowering, putting us in a victim mentality and survival mode. When these survival tendencies spill over into our relationships, showing up as the loving, compassionate, and most understanding version of yourself becomes incredibly challenging.
In this episode, we'll explore what it looks like to eliminate complaining, blaming, defending, and assuming from your relationship diet. You’ll learn how to shift your perspective in challenging relationship situations, and how, by doing so, you can be in relationship with yourself and others in a more productive, collaborative, and loving way.
Want more live access to us? Get on our email list where you can ask us questions, get coached, and be the first to know about trainings, events, and free coaching. Click here to sign up now!
And if you know you need help finding balance and becoming unapologetically Ambitious-Ish, click here to book a free 60-minute consult to see if we’re a good match. Either you take all the awareness and value you get from the call and you run with it, or you coach with us for six months. That's two coaches for six months, and it's all about you.
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How complaining, blaming, defending, and assuming are disempowering patterns that keep you stuck in victim mode.
Why bringing curiosity and assuming positive intent can shift your perspective in challenging relationship situations.
The importance of separating your thoughts and feelings from others' actions to avoid the blame game.
How defensiveness puts you in fight mode and prevents you from showing up as your best self.
Why seeking clarity and communicating your needs is crucial for breaking old patterns and creating new ones in relationships.
How it can be really fun to begin dismantling the assumptions you have about people you’re in relationship with.
The power of learning how to self-regulate when you feel like complaining, blaming, defending, or assuming.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click here to follow, rate, and review the show. And if you love the show, don’t forget to share with someone you think will benefit!
Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!
Let us know what you think of the show so far and what you’d like to hear more of or less of over on Instagram!
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle Cobble: Alright, who hasn't complained about their partner or a co-worker? It feels indulgent and true in the moment, and then it feels terrible, right?
Nina Lynch: And who hasn't blamed someone for making them feel guilty or hurt or disappointed? It's their fault, right? But aren't we also playing the victim when we blame?
Kelle: Yeah, who hasn't gotten defensive when someone gave them feedback only to make matters worse? Who hasn't made an assumption about someone else's actions only to be totally off-base, shame-y, and unkind?
Nina: Okay, do you see where we're going here? Complaining, blaming, defending and assuming are very normal and typical patterns in relationships. We've all been there.
Kelle: They're also really disempowering ways to show up in your relationships. They put you in the victim mentality and survival mode instead of calm and connected, a completely different nervous system state.
Nina: Yeah, when you're in survival, you stay stuck where you are, spinning in confusion and overwhelm. You're not collaborative, not understanding, not compassionate, not solution focused, not open or loving.
Kelle: That's a lot of nots. And that's the opposite of where we want to be in our relationships, right?
Nina: But as high achievers, we're so often in survival, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And so it makes sense that our survival tendencies spill over into our relationships unwittingly.
Kelle: All right, so let's do this. Let's talk about what it looks like to eliminate what we call the four complaining, blaming, defending, and assuming from your relationship diet. Shall we, high achievers?
Nina: When we do, we can be in relationship with ourselves and others in a productive, collaborative, and loving way.
Kelle: All right, let's jump in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. It’s February and it’s relationship month here on Ambitious-Ish. So over the next couple of week’s we’re going to be talking all about relationships and how your high-achieving brain might be holding you back from showing up in a more empowered way in those relationships.
Kelle: Yeah, in your relationships at work, in your relationships at home, romantically, professionally, casually, all of them.
Nina: Even your crushes, right, Kel?
Kelle: Ooh, crushes. So fun. So fun. Yes. If you've been listening for a while, you know we specialize in helping smart-driven women unlock their full potential and enjoy the life that they worked so hard to create. Our listeners have very specific tendencies, go-to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we're very familiar with that hold them back from being that killer version of themselves.
Nina: Yeah, some might call them flaws like our people-pleasing, perfectionism, overachieving, that inner mean girl, our unreasonable expectations, all-or-nothing thinking, and so much more. But we'd like to make sense of our flaws by showing you how they actually are survival mechanisms, coping mechanisms that once kept you safe, likely years and years and years ago when you were young.
Kelle: Yeah, and if you're here, something about the concept of Ambitious-Ish speaks to you. You want to keep doing and going and rising, but the way you're doing it, it just totally isn't sustainable.
Nina: Yeah, you're questioning the cost of your ambition maybe. You want to be softer, but don't want to lose your edge. You want to slow down, but can't risk falling behind. You want to be grounded and present without losing your ambition completely, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Listen, we've got you. You're in the right place. And we are talking to you.
Nina: And listen, this is our 50th episode, right, Kel? We are so pumped to celebrate this with our favorite people. You!
Kelle: Woohoo! We're just like underlining this. This is number 50. Ambitious-Ish was born about a year ago. It's been quite a year. And on top of what Nina and I have been going through separately and personally, we feel like we kind of like had a baby together having launched this podcast.
Nina: My third child and yours. So let's get into the 50th episode and relationship month. And listen, come March, we're going to double down on what's next for us, how you can join the Ambitious-Ish squad and be a movement maker yourself.
Kelle: Yes, I love the sound of that.
Nina: Okay, but now let's get back to what we call the four. So this concept of the four came to us when we were talking to a colleague who coaches women to lose weight. And she kicks off her health coaching program by asking clients to eliminate sugar and flour from their diets.
Kelle: This is a pretty crazy awareness exercise. It helps people become aware of how prolific sugar and flour are in the standard American diet. I mean, sugar and flour are literally everywhere.
Nina: Yeah, so clients of hers, right, like build awareness for those sorts of bad actors, right? And limit them.
Kelle: They start to see what they're actually putting into their mouths, into their bodies, and how it makes them feel.
Nina: Yeah, this work has a lot to do with noticing cravings and letting them pass, right? She calls it allowing cravings.
Kelle: Totally. And then for her clients, they learn how to begin to fuel themselves mindfully with more nutrient-dense foods instead of leaning into the easy carbs and sugars that give, you know, that quick dopamine hit.
Nina: Yeah, that's what's key. The dopamine hit they avoid. It feels good for a sec, right? Those processed carbs, indulgent even. Then it feels terrible, Like that crash, empty calories, guilt, shame, bloat, and a stomachache, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes. Yeah. So we got to thinking, in our coaching program, what's the equivalent?
Nina: Yeah, so when it comes to relationships, especially with our high-achieving clients, specifically for them, when we want to shift out of a negative mindset and victim mentality to feel better in our relationships, what is our sugar and flour?
Kelle: Yeah, in working with our clients, we decided on the four: no complaining, no blaming, no defending, and no assuming.
Nina: Yeah, by blaming and complaining and assuming and defending, this is you unwittingly giving yourself permission to stay stuck where you are, kind of a victim.
Kelle: Let's start with complaining, okay? We'll go through each one of these and we'll offer a remedy or alternative or two along the way.
Nina: Okay, so we all know what complaining looks like, right? I mean, it's like this critical spiral of thoughts, judgy and negative, right?
Kelle: Yeah. And complaining feels good when you're doing it, right? It's this indulgent feeling.
Nina: Yeah, like gossip, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, great call. It's venting, right? We know when we're doing it, for the most part, if we're self-aware that is.
Nina: Then we typically apologize for it when we get a lot of complaining out of our systems, right? It's like we feel ashamed for saying the things we've said, or even for taking up the time of the listener with so much negativity.
Kelle: We sort of know we're being unreasonable when we let it all out. And that's all so okay. We are unreasonable sometimes. It's such a human thing, right? Just allow it all to be there. Don't judge yourself. We love unintentional thoughts, this default thinking when your brain is just going on autopilot and has a negativity bias. So it makes so much sense when you complain.
Nina: We just want you to notice that it doesn't actually get you anywhere, right? You're still sitting in traffic at the intersection, so to speak.
Kelle: Right, it's so killer to vent to a good friend and just get it all out. I think what's cool about coaching is we hold space for the complaining with clients. We let them get it all out. And then we ask the expansive questions to help them move forward, to help them move through it, to find a solution or a next step in a new direction.
Nina: Yeah, Kelle always says, the quality of your relationships is a reflection of your thoughts about that person. So if we're constantly complaining about someone in our life, at home, at work, in our friendships, of course our relationships will suffer.
Kelle: Yeah, our negativity bias is on fire when we complain. We're only seeing the negative. We aren't understanding. We don't have any like perspective.
Nina: Yeah, so to feel better or more empowered we can see the circumstances and humans around us as just that, neutral, wounded, and wobbly, doing the best they can with the tools they have, just like us.
Kelle: So a cool prompt here, when you find yourself venting to everyone all the time about the same things, right? Bring in some curiosity.
Nina: Yeah, let's just consider, How does it make sense that they are showing up the way they are? What might be true? What do we know?
Kelle: Yeah, we're not asking you to like pretend to be grateful for your spouse who's spaced two pickups this week and has been working late every night without notice.
Nina: Yeah, no, we're just suggesting you get curious about what might be going on with them. Like, huh, this keeps happening. I'm noticing he's distracted and he's sort of got a short fuse too.
Kelle: Yeah, that's exactly where we wanna go before you potentially check in with them.
Nina: Yeah, not yell or scold, right? The approach here dictates the landing, we like to say.
Kelle: Yeah, it might just look like checking in from a place of curiosity and a desire to understand. That's definitely going to help the drop-off situation and your angst about them working late, right? And this isn't going to happen right away because we have so much history with this person. We already kind of like know how this argument works out because we do it all the time. So these things take practice is what I'm saying.
Nina: So give this a try and let's move on to blaming. Okay, we have a whole episode about blame. You have to go check it out because this is a big one. I think we wrote a whole 30 minutes on it.
Kelle: Yeah, that's episode 14. Wow. Way back since we're on number 50 now. And it's one of the most highly downloaded episodes. So you got to check it out.
Nina: Yeah, blaming is what we call a cognitive distortion. It's assigning guilt or responsibility for how we feel to someone else. So like he makes me feel bad about myself, for instance, or she makes me feel inadequate. That was kind of a nerd alert moment. So let me back up. Let us explain cognitive distortions are simply tricks of the mind. They're when the brain convinces us of something that is untrue.
Kelle: Okay, so why does this matter? What's wrong with blame? Blame puts us in victim mode. It can be disempowering because it can keep people stuck in the problems.
Nina: Yeah, blame makes it difficult to identify the root cause of issues, which is almost always a thought error or limiting belief, and can destroy trust in relationships. I think because it generates a sense of fear and scarcity. Know what I mean? Like this is me versus you instead of me and you.
Kelle: Totally, totally. Blaming others can also look like defensiveness. And you know what they say, defense is the first act of war. We'll get to defensiveness in a sec.
Nina: And honestly, when you don't blame, you act like less of a crazy person. You're more rational. When you try to find fault, your brain becomes really committed to finding someone responsible and you sort of act crazy. At least mine does. Our brains are resisting accepting reality.
It doesn't want to accept that we missed the deadline, for example. So we blame the email server or the lazy client. In that resistance, we look for someone to blame and we don't really realize it, but it feels terrible. Why do we do this? Because it feels good in the moment to blame someone or even something else. We feel sort of powerful and it excuses our emotions.
Kelle: Yeah blame also allows us to sort of control the narrative, like if I'm late and I blame my lateness on traffic, maybe the person I'm meeting with will be less annoyed with me. And can I just say, I think I've said this before on the pod, traffic is never an excuse.
Nina: Yeah, the problem is that blame is very disempowering. We're not just looking to hold someone accountable for actions, but on default without coaching tools, we want them to also be responsible for how we feel. Blaming is an attempt to assign responsibility to our emotions, thoughts, or actions to someone else. And from what we know in coaching, understanding that our thoughts and emotions are our own and that our actions are our responsibility is the start of healing.
Kelle: It's an understandable mistake. Most of us weren't taught this growing up. And it's where we create a lot of unnecessary suffering for ourselves.
Nina: So this is where thought work and clean thinking come into play. We have to separate out our thoughts, feelings, and actions from their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Kelle: Exactly. We parse out what we're thinking, feeling, and doing from what they are thinking, feeling, and doing.
Nina: Yeah, what happens when we blame is that we get upset by the circumstance and we assign responsibility to someone else or blame someone else for our feelings. So when I feel frustrated and I look outside of myself for a reason why, for someone to blame for missing the deadline, for example, my colleague or the client or the email server, I'm delegating responsibility for my feelings to someone outside of me. And this is really disempowering because if they are responsible for how I feel, then basically they have to change and act a certain way in order for me to feel better. And this is when we turn the corner into crazy town.
Kelle: Oh boy, crazy town. Crazy town really is when we try to control people, when we try to fix or change them, which is impossible, so that we can feel better. And we do kind of act crazy. It never works and our lives become unmanageable and we become exhausted.
Nina: This way of thinking is a super common mistake. We're sort of taught that other people create our feelings and that's just not true. Our thoughts create our feelings. So notice, are you assigning blame to anyone or anything outside of you for what you're feeling, or even to yourself in a blaming way.
Kelle: Listen, it's okay to feel sad, to feel down, angry, or upset. We never want you to think that those are wrong. All of these emotions are part of the human experience and our feelings are meant to be felt. All of the feelings are valid.
Nina: The subtle difference is accepting and validating your feelings and then understanding it's because of what you're thinking.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. It's not because of them or it. If you feel angry, it's because you're thinking angry thoughts. If you feel hurt, it's because you're thinking hurtful thoughts.
Nina: It's accepting that our brains on default go to feelings that aren't useful. And it doesn't mean we didn't create them. So when I feel frustrated, it's okay that I feel frustrated and we want to turn towards ourselves and support ourselves in a caring way. Right? Like, hey, it's okay that you feel frustrated. I got you. What do you need? You know, what do we need right now?
Kelle: Yeah, the same way you would support a friend, right?
Nina: Yeah. And then just allow yourself to process that feeling going inward instead of outward. It's such a killer skill to cultivate.
Kelle: Okay, when you're in blame, you mix up someone else's actions with your feelings. So when someone lies to you, you don't want to be happy about this, of course. But you also aren't going to help yourself by blaming your emotions on them. So of course you wanna feel sad or upset or disappointed. And that's because of the story you're telling yourself. And you might wanna keep that story.
Nina: Yeah, I'm really disappointed that I can't trust this person anymore, that they lied to me. Those are legit thoughts. That's a legit story when someone doesn't tell you the truth. Now, where you do want to assign responsibility is to the other person's actions, right? So this is where the clean thinking tool comes in to play. We need to separate our feelings from their actions.
Kelle: And not play the blame game. Keeping your side of the street clean, as we like to say. Taking responsibility for your feelings and holding the other person accountable for their actions.
Nina: Totally. This takes a lot of practice. And again, consider listening to the blame episode. It's a big one, but that's blaming. Let's move on now to defending. This is a good one.
Kelle: So one of our mentors is a relationship coach. And we said this earlier, that she says defense is the first act of war. And it's so true.
Nina: Oh my gosh, I can totally feel defense in my body right now. Imagine getting some critical feedback from someone you really don't appreciate. I can feel the defensiveness like sharp and hot in my throat and face. This is one I used to be very familiar with. And when we feel defensive, our walls go up and we're in fight mode, one of the survival states. For our episode on survival mode and more background here, go to episode nine.
Kelle: Yeah, this reminds me of a client that had a year on review, and she didn't get the best review. Her former boss, because she had changed roles at this point. Her former boss, when he was doing the review, had words to say, and she did not love the words he was saying, and she got really defensive about it. And when you're in defensiveness, you're in fight mode. You're nervous and anxious and unable to relax.
You have obsessive thoughts. Your brain is overthinking. Like she could not stop thinking about the negative things that he said about her. And of course, he said positive things too, right? But our brains don't hold on to the positive. They just keep overthinking on the negative, like that kind of frustration and anger you'd associate with a fight. You're reactive and kind of ragey and hostile and combative.
Nina: Yep.
Kelle: Right? Just, oh, feeling the feels. Your body feels tense. You have sort of an aggressive posture. You will not feel calm. You focus on the unfairness and the injustice.
Nina: And fight is an activated state. Like you're triggered, in other words, right? Your nervous system is coding something outside of you as dangerous. And so to keep you alive, it goes into fight mode.
Kelle: And when you're in any of the survival states including fight it prevents us from resting, recovering, and relaxing. We're not reasonable, logical, playful, calm, curious, or present.
Nina: Without noticing, we lose connection to ourselves, our bodies, our values, and our people. And this isn't where we show up as our best selves, our favorite version of ourselves.
Kelle: When we're defensive, we aren't receiving. We literally put up a wall. So even if there's a small gem in that feedback you're getting, you likely won't recognize it when you're defensive. You completely block it out for what your brain is telling you is threatening.
Nina: Yeah. And listen, when you get feedback, there's a part of you, that inner critic or inner perfectionist that it's absolutely on fire, right? They are coding the feedback as dangerous because it's less than perfect. Or maybe it even validates a belief you have about yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, a BS belief, by the way.
Nina: Yeah, it's probably something about you not being good enough. Again, are we right?
Kelle: Totally. So you get defensive. So let's just normalize this, okay?
Nina: The key here isn't to never get defensive. It's to recognize it and shift into a regulated state. We can do this in so many ways, right? Self-regulation is a key skill we teach clients.
Kelle: And we practice all this on repeat with our clients.
Nina: Yeah, so when it comes to feedback from your partner, a friend, or manager at work, get into a regulated state. Be open, curious, seek to understand. Remind your beautiful human brain that you're safe. There's no tiger chasing you.
Kelle: Yes, be in receipt of the feedback. Just receive the words they're saying and take a look at all of it with curiosity, not judgment.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, last but not least, we're moving on to assuming.
Kelle: This might be my favorite.
Nina: Don't make assumptions. The dad joke goes, when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. Get it?
Kelle: We love us a good dad joke. But let's be real. When we stop making assumptions, we're automatically invited to find clarity and communicate. By having the courage to ask questions and express what we truly want, we can avoid misunderstandings and drama in our relationships.
Nina: So this really lands for anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship. We start making assumptions because, well, history. And we lose connection.
Kelle: We call this the drift.
Nina: Yes, the drift happens when we fall into routines and so does our partner or friend. Doesn't have to be a romantic here, right? But we assume the other person is happy or fine or doing their thing when that might literally be the opposite of what's going on.
Kelle: So we do our own thing and this disconnection takes place and we drift apart. Or we create unnecessary drama by assuming they are doing one thing but they're actually doing another and we get frustrated, annoyed, or hurt. Either way, assuming isn't useful. But we do it because asking questions and getting clarity and asking for something we need can feel really scary. Are we right, high achievers?
Nina: Yeah, when was the last time you asked a friend or partner for an unmet need? Like, I really need your support right now. Would you be open to coming home early and helping me do XYZ, right?
Kelle: This is a whole other episode, really. And we'll get to it later this month. It's all about asking for an unmet need and how it's a game changer.
Nina: Yeah. Okay. So, but back to assumptions. We assume because that's how our brains work. Our neural pathways develop around certain people's repeated behavior and it becomes predictable and so we stop being curious or try to understand. The people in our lives live in boxes on shelves labeled a certain way when maybe that's not who or what they are at all.
Kelle: Okay, so our suggestion here is to ask, to check in, to question your assumptions. They're almost always negative, right? Notice that and seek clarity.
Nina: This is how we break old patterns and create new ones. It's so key. We all want to feel seen and heard. When we make assumptions, we stop seeing the other person.
Kelle: It's such a gift to be met, right? For someone to actually see you and hear you.
Nina: And I love doing the same. I love seeing people, listening, and holding space for what they’ve got going on.
Kelle: Yeah, dismantling our assumptions about the people we're in relationships with, it's kind of fun. So take this and run with it and get curious. And there's one more thing I just want to mention here. We often, like I was just saying, assume the negative about people. But what if you just assumed because we don't know, right? We haven't asked them and we might not be able to ask them, what if you just assumed positive intent?
Nina: That's always interesting. It's always, it's kind of a brain stretch.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. So can you give an example of this Nina?
Nina: Yeah. So again, back to your partner, missing pickups all week, right? And of course, we go to like assuming that they are absent-minded and irresponsible and what else, Kel? Like, you know, they don't care. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, F them. It's like, hang on, maybe they're trying their best and this is what they've got today. Does that land? Like maybe this is like really what they've got to give right now. That's interesting, right?
Kelle: Yeah, for sure. And I'm even thinking about a work scenario because if someone on your team is continually dropping the ball, you could think that they just suck, right? And they're not good, right?
Nina: That sucks. Totally.
Kelle: Which totally sucks and it feels bad too, right?
Nina: Yeah, totally.
Kelle: Or you could assume positive intent, like they're not meaning to drop the ball. Like maybe they have something going on in their life that is making them not be in at the top of their game.
Nine: Yeah, it's just getting curious, right? Kind of poking holes in that negativity bias. Yeah, this is cool. All right. So that was the four. See what happens when you become aware of them and then one by one work through them. Eliminate them from your repertoire, so to speak.
Kelle: Yes, this is really cool work. It's really fun work and it's game changing and relationship giving. Let us know how this goes. We love hearing from you.
Nina: Yes, email us at kelleandnina@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram. We love your DMs.
Kelle: And if you could think of someone that would benefit from listening to this, we would love it if you would share this episode with them. Share our episodes, share our work with other people. This is our way to like offer value and coaching to all of the people, everyone, even the people that…
Nina: All the Ambitious-Ish people.
Kelle: Yes, all of the Ambitious-Ish people. Like send this on and you'll be helping them out and of course you'll be helping us reach more people. So, thank you.
Nina: Okay, that’s all for today. Thanks all, we’ll see you next time.
Kelle: Yeah, see you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish. Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina Lynch: And who hasn't blamed someone for making them feel guilty or hurt or disappointed? It's their fault, right? But aren't we also playing the victim when we blame?
Kelle: Yeah, who hasn't gotten defensive when someone gave them feedback only to make matters worse? Who hasn't made an assumption about someone else's actions only to be totally off-base, shame-y, and unkind?
Nina: Okay, do you see where we're going here? Complaining, blaming, defending and assuming are very normal and typical patterns in relationships. We've all been there.
Kelle: They're also really disempowering ways to show up in your relationships. They put you in the victim mentality and survival mode instead of calm and connected, a completely different nervous system state.
Nina: Yeah, when you're in survival, you stay stuck where you are, spinning in confusion and overwhelm. You're not collaborative, not understanding, not compassionate, not solution focused, not open or loving.
Kelle: That's a lot of nots. And that's the opposite of where we want to be in our relationships, right?
Nina: But as high achievers, we're so often in survival, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And so it makes sense that our survival tendencies spill over into our relationships unwittingly.
Kelle: All right, so let's do this. Let's talk about what it looks like to eliminate what we call the four complaining, blaming, defending, and assuming from your relationship diet. Shall we, high achievers?
Nina: When we do, we can be in relationship with ourselves and others in a productive, collaborative, and loving way.
Kelle: All right, let's jump in. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. It’s February and it’s relationship month here on Ambitious-Ish. So over the next couple of week’s we’re going to be talking all about relationships and how your high-achieving brain might be holding you back from showing up in a more empowered way in those relationships.
Kelle: Yeah, in your relationships at work, in your relationships at home, romantically, professionally, casually, all of them.
Nina: Even your crushes, right, Kel?
Kelle: Ooh, crushes. So fun. So fun. Yes. If you've been listening for a while, you know we specialize in helping smart-driven women unlock their full potential and enjoy the life that they worked so hard to create. Our listeners have very specific tendencies, go-to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we're very familiar with that hold them back from being that killer version of themselves.
Nina: Yeah, some might call them flaws like our people-pleasing, perfectionism, overachieving, that inner mean girl, our unreasonable expectations, all-or-nothing thinking, and so much more. But we'd like to make sense of our flaws by showing you how they actually are survival mechanisms, coping mechanisms that once kept you safe, likely years and years and years ago when you were young.
Kelle: Yeah, and if you're here, something about the concept of Ambitious-Ish speaks to you. You want to keep doing and going and rising, but the way you're doing it, it just totally isn't sustainable.
Nina: Yeah, you're questioning the cost of your ambition maybe. You want to be softer, but don't want to lose your edge. You want to slow down, but can't risk falling behind. You want to be grounded and present without losing your ambition completely, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Listen, we've got you. You're in the right place. And we are talking to you.
Nina: And listen, this is our 50th episode, right, Kel? We are so pumped to celebrate this with our favorite people. You!
Kelle: Woohoo! We're just like underlining this. This is number 50. Ambitious-Ish was born about a year ago. It's been quite a year. And on top of what Nina and I have been going through separately and personally, we feel like we kind of like had a baby together having launched this podcast.
Nina: My third child and yours. So let's get into the 50th episode and relationship month. And listen, come March, we're going to double down on what's next for us, how you can join the Ambitious-Ish squad and be a movement maker yourself.
Kelle: Yes, I love the sound of that.
Nina: Okay, but now let's get back to what we call the four. So this concept of the four came to us when we were talking to a colleague who coaches women to lose weight. And she kicks off her health coaching program by asking clients to eliminate sugar and flour from their diets.
Kelle: This is a pretty crazy awareness exercise. It helps people become aware of how prolific sugar and flour are in the standard American diet. I mean, sugar and flour are literally everywhere.
Nina: Yeah, so clients of hers, right, like build awareness for those sorts of bad actors, right? And limit them.
Kelle: They start to see what they're actually putting into their mouths, into their bodies, and how it makes them feel.
Nina: Yeah, this work has a lot to do with noticing cravings and letting them pass, right? She calls it allowing cravings.
Kelle: Totally. And then for her clients, they learn how to begin to fuel themselves mindfully with more nutrient-dense foods instead of leaning into the easy carbs and sugars that give, you know, that quick dopamine hit.
Nina: Yeah, that's what's key. The dopamine hit they avoid. It feels good for a sec, right? Those processed carbs, indulgent even. Then it feels terrible, Like that crash, empty calories, guilt, shame, bloat, and a stomachache, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes. Yeah. So we got to thinking, in our coaching program, what's the equivalent?
Nina: Yeah, so when it comes to relationships, especially with our high-achieving clients, specifically for them, when we want to shift out of a negative mindset and victim mentality to feel better in our relationships, what is our sugar and flour?
Kelle: Yeah, in working with our clients, we decided on the four: no complaining, no blaming, no defending, and no assuming.
Nina: Yeah, by blaming and complaining and assuming and defending, this is you unwittingly giving yourself permission to stay stuck where you are, kind of a victim.
Kelle: Let's start with complaining, okay? We'll go through each one of these and we'll offer a remedy or alternative or two along the way.
Nina: Okay, so we all know what complaining looks like, right? I mean, it's like this critical spiral of thoughts, judgy and negative, right?
Kelle: Yeah. And complaining feels good when you're doing it, right? It's this indulgent feeling.
Nina: Yeah, like gossip, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, great call. It's venting, right? We know when we're doing it, for the most part, if we're self-aware that is.
Nina: Then we typically apologize for it when we get a lot of complaining out of our systems, right? It's like we feel ashamed for saying the things we've said, or even for taking up the time of the listener with so much negativity.
Kelle: We sort of know we're being unreasonable when we let it all out. And that's all so okay. We are unreasonable sometimes. It's such a human thing, right? Just allow it all to be there. Don't judge yourself. We love unintentional thoughts, this default thinking when your brain is just going on autopilot and has a negativity bias. So it makes so much sense when you complain.
Nina: We just want you to notice that it doesn't actually get you anywhere, right? You're still sitting in traffic at the intersection, so to speak.
Kelle: Right, it's so killer to vent to a good friend and just get it all out. I think what's cool about coaching is we hold space for the complaining with clients. We let them get it all out. And then we ask the expansive questions to help them move forward, to help them move through it, to find a solution or a next step in a new direction.
Nina: Yeah, Kelle always says, the quality of your relationships is a reflection of your thoughts about that person. So if we're constantly complaining about someone in our life, at home, at work, in our friendships, of course our relationships will suffer.
Kelle: Yeah, our negativity bias is on fire when we complain. We're only seeing the negative. We aren't understanding. We don't have any like perspective.
Nina: Yeah, so to feel better or more empowered we can see the circumstances and humans around us as just that, neutral, wounded, and wobbly, doing the best they can with the tools they have, just like us.
Kelle: So a cool prompt here, when you find yourself venting to everyone all the time about the same things, right? Bring in some curiosity.
Nina: Yeah, let's just consider, How does it make sense that they are showing up the way they are? What might be true? What do we know?
Kelle: Yeah, we're not asking you to like pretend to be grateful for your spouse who's spaced two pickups this week and has been working late every night without notice.
Nina: Yeah, no, we're just suggesting you get curious about what might be going on with them. Like, huh, this keeps happening. I'm noticing he's distracted and he's sort of got a short fuse too.
Kelle: Yeah, that's exactly where we wanna go before you potentially check in with them.
Nina: Yeah, not yell or scold, right? The approach here dictates the landing, we like to say.
Kelle: Yeah, it might just look like checking in from a place of curiosity and a desire to understand. That's definitely going to help the drop-off situation and your angst about them working late, right? And this isn't going to happen right away because we have so much history with this person. We already kind of like know how this argument works out because we do it all the time. So these things take practice is what I'm saying.
Nina: So give this a try and let's move on to blaming. Okay, we have a whole episode about blame. You have to go check it out because this is a big one. I think we wrote a whole 30 minutes on it.
Kelle: Yeah, that's episode 14. Wow. Way back since we're on number 50 now. And it's one of the most highly downloaded episodes. So you got to check it out.
Nina: Yeah, blaming is what we call a cognitive distortion. It's assigning guilt or responsibility for how we feel to someone else. So like he makes me feel bad about myself, for instance, or she makes me feel inadequate. That was kind of a nerd alert moment. So let me back up. Let us explain cognitive distortions are simply tricks of the mind. They're when the brain convinces us of something that is untrue.
Kelle: Okay, so why does this matter? What's wrong with blame? Blame puts us in victim mode. It can be disempowering because it can keep people stuck in the problems.
Nina: Yeah, blame makes it difficult to identify the root cause of issues, which is almost always a thought error or limiting belief, and can destroy trust in relationships. I think because it generates a sense of fear and scarcity. Know what I mean? Like this is me versus you instead of me and you.
Kelle: Totally, totally. Blaming others can also look like defensiveness. And you know what they say, defense is the first act of war. We'll get to defensiveness in a sec.
Nina: And honestly, when you don't blame, you act like less of a crazy person. You're more rational. When you try to find fault, your brain becomes really committed to finding someone responsible and you sort of act crazy. At least mine does. Our brains are resisting accepting reality.
It doesn't want to accept that we missed the deadline, for example. So we blame the email server or the lazy client. In that resistance, we look for someone to blame and we don't really realize it, but it feels terrible. Why do we do this? Because it feels good in the moment to blame someone or even something else. We feel sort of powerful and it excuses our emotions.
Kelle: Yeah blame also allows us to sort of control the narrative, like if I'm late and I blame my lateness on traffic, maybe the person I'm meeting with will be less annoyed with me. And can I just say, I think I've said this before on the pod, traffic is never an excuse.
Nina: Yeah, the problem is that blame is very disempowering. We're not just looking to hold someone accountable for actions, but on default without coaching tools, we want them to also be responsible for how we feel. Blaming is an attempt to assign responsibility to our emotions, thoughts, or actions to someone else. And from what we know in coaching, understanding that our thoughts and emotions are our own and that our actions are our responsibility is the start of healing.
Kelle: It's an understandable mistake. Most of us weren't taught this growing up. And it's where we create a lot of unnecessary suffering for ourselves.
Nina: So this is where thought work and clean thinking come into play. We have to separate out our thoughts, feelings, and actions from their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Kelle: Exactly. We parse out what we're thinking, feeling, and doing from what they are thinking, feeling, and doing.
Nina: Yeah, what happens when we blame is that we get upset by the circumstance and we assign responsibility to someone else or blame someone else for our feelings. So when I feel frustrated and I look outside of myself for a reason why, for someone to blame for missing the deadline, for example, my colleague or the client or the email server, I'm delegating responsibility for my feelings to someone outside of me. And this is really disempowering because if they are responsible for how I feel, then basically they have to change and act a certain way in order for me to feel better. And this is when we turn the corner into crazy town.
Kelle: Oh boy, crazy town. Crazy town really is when we try to control people, when we try to fix or change them, which is impossible, so that we can feel better. And we do kind of act crazy. It never works and our lives become unmanageable and we become exhausted.
Nina: This way of thinking is a super common mistake. We're sort of taught that other people create our feelings and that's just not true. Our thoughts create our feelings. So notice, are you assigning blame to anyone or anything outside of you for what you're feeling, or even to yourself in a blaming way.
Kelle: Listen, it's okay to feel sad, to feel down, angry, or upset. We never want you to think that those are wrong. All of these emotions are part of the human experience and our feelings are meant to be felt. All of the feelings are valid.
Nina: The subtle difference is accepting and validating your feelings and then understanding it's because of what you're thinking.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. It's not because of them or it. If you feel angry, it's because you're thinking angry thoughts. If you feel hurt, it's because you're thinking hurtful thoughts.
Nina: It's accepting that our brains on default go to feelings that aren't useful. And it doesn't mean we didn't create them. So when I feel frustrated, it's okay that I feel frustrated and we want to turn towards ourselves and support ourselves in a caring way. Right? Like, hey, it's okay that you feel frustrated. I got you. What do you need? You know, what do we need right now?
Kelle: Yeah, the same way you would support a friend, right?
Nina: Yeah. And then just allow yourself to process that feeling going inward instead of outward. It's such a killer skill to cultivate.
Kelle: Okay, when you're in blame, you mix up someone else's actions with your feelings. So when someone lies to you, you don't want to be happy about this, of course. But you also aren't going to help yourself by blaming your emotions on them. So of course you wanna feel sad or upset or disappointed. And that's because of the story you're telling yourself. And you might wanna keep that story.
Nina: Yeah, I'm really disappointed that I can't trust this person anymore, that they lied to me. Those are legit thoughts. That's a legit story when someone doesn't tell you the truth. Now, where you do want to assign responsibility is to the other person's actions, right? So this is where the clean thinking tool comes in to play. We need to separate our feelings from their actions.
Kelle: And not play the blame game. Keeping your side of the street clean, as we like to say. Taking responsibility for your feelings and holding the other person accountable for their actions.
Nina: Totally. This takes a lot of practice. And again, consider listening to the blame episode. It's a big one, but that's blaming. Let's move on now to defending. This is a good one.
Kelle: So one of our mentors is a relationship coach. And we said this earlier, that she says defense is the first act of war. And it's so true.
Nina: Oh my gosh, I can totally feel defense in my body right now. Imagine getting some critical feedback from someone you really don't appreciate. I can feel the defensiveness like sharp and hot in my throat and face. This is one I used to be very familiar with. And when we feel defensive, our walls go up and we're in fight mode, one of the survival states. For our episode on survival mode and more background here, go to episode nine.
Kelle: Yeah, this reminds me of a client that had a year on review, and she didn't get the best review. Her former boss, because she had changed roles at this point. Her former boss, when he was doing the review, had words to say, and she did not love the words he was saying, and she got really defensive about it. And when you're in defensiveness, you're in fight mode. You're nervous and anxious and unable to relax.
You have obsessive thoughts. Your brain is overthinking. Like she could not stop thinking about the negative things that he said about her. And of course, he said positive things too, right? But our brains don't hold on to the positive. They just keep overthinking on the negative, like that kind of frustration and anger you'd associate with a fight. You're reactive and kind of ragey and hostile and combative.
Nina: Yep.
Kelle: Right? Just, oh, feeling the feels. Your body feels tense. You have sort of an aggressive posture. You will not feel calm. You focus on the unfairness and the injustice.
Nina: And fight is an activated state. Like you're triggered, in other words, right? Your nervous system is coding something outside of you as dangerous. And so to keep you alive, it goes into fight mode.
Kelle: And when you're in any of the survival states including fight it prevents us from resting, recovering, and relaxing. We're not reasonable, logical, playful, calm, curious, or present.
Nina: Without noticing, we lose connection to ourselves, our bodies, our values, and our people. And this isn't where we show up as our best selves, our favorite version of ourselves.
Kelle: When we're defensive, we aren't receiving. We literally put up a wall. So even if there's a small gem in that feedback you're getting, you likely won't recognize it when you're defensive. You completely block it out for what your brain is telling you is threatening.
Nina: Yeah. And listen, when you get feedback, there's a part of you, that inner critic or inner perfectionist that it's absolutely on fire, right? They are coding the feedback as dangerous because it's less than perfect. Or maybe it even validates a belief you have about yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, a BS belief, by the way.
Nina: Yeah, it's probably something about you not being good enough. Again, are we right?
Kelle: Totally. So you get defensive. So let's just normalize this, okay?
Nina: The key here isn't to never get defensive. It's to recognize it and shift into a regulated state. We can do this in so many ways, right? Self-regulation is a key skill we teach clients.
Kelle: And we practice all this on repeat with our clients.
Nina: Yeah, so when it comes to feedback from your partner, a friend, or manager at work, get into a regulated state. Be open, curious, seek to understand. Remind your beautiful human brain that you're safe. There's no tiger chasing you.
Kelle: Yes, be in receipt of the feedback. Just receive the words they're saying and take a look at all of it with curiosity, not judgment.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, last but not least, we're moving on to assuming.
Kelle: This might be my favorite.
Nina: Don't make assumptions. The dad joke goes, when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. Get it?
Kelle: We love us a good dad joke. But let's be real. When we stop making assumptions, we're automatically invited to find clarity and communicate. By having the courage to ask questions and express what we truly want, we can avoid misunderstandings and drama in our relationships.
Nina: So this really lands for anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship. We start making assumptions because, well, history. And we lose connection.
Kelle: We call this the drift.
Nina: Yes, the drift happens when we fall into routines and so does our partner or friend. Doesn't have to be a romantic here, right? But we assume the other person is happy or fine or doing their thing when that might literally be the opposite of what's going on.
Kelle: So we do our own thing and this disconnection takes place and we drift apart. Or we create unnecessary drama by assuming they are doing one thing but they're actually doing another and we get frustrated, annoyed, or hurt. Either way, assuming isn't useful. But we do it because asking questions and getting clarity and asking for something we need can feel really scary. Are we right, high achievers?
Nina: Yeah, when was the last time you asked a friend or partner for an unmet need? Like, I really need your support right now. Would you be open to coming home early and helping me do XYZ, right?
Kelle: This is a whole other episode, really. And we'll get to it later this month. It's all about asking for an unmet need and how it's a game changer.
Nina: Yeah. Okay. So, but back to assumptions. We assume because that's how our brains work. Our neural pathways develop around certain people's repeated behavior and it becomes predictable and so we stop being curious or try to understand. The people in our lives live in boxes on shelves labeled a certain way when maybe that's not who or what they are at all.
Kelle: Okay, so our suggestion here is to ask, to check in, to question your assumptions. They're almost always negative, right? Notice that and seek clarity.
Nina: This is how we break old patterns and create new ones. It's so key. We all want to feel seen and heard. When we make assumptions, we stop seeing the other person.
Kelle: It's such a gift to be met, right? For someone to actually see you and hear you.
Nina: And I love doing the same. I love seeing people, listening, and holding space for what they’ve got going on.
Kelle: Yeah, dismantling our assumptions about the people we're in relationships with, it's kind of fun. So take this and run with it and get curious. And there's one more thing I just want to mention here. We often, like I was just saying, assume the negative about people. But what if you just assumed because we don't know, right? We haven't asked them and we might not be able to ask them, what if you just assumed positive intent?
Nina: That's always interesting. It's always, it's kind of a brain stretch.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. So can you give an example of this Nina?
Nina: Yeah. So again, back to your partner, missing pickups all week, right? And of course, we go to like assuming that they are absent-minded and irresponsible and what else, Kel? Like, you know, they don't care. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, F them. It's like, hang on, maybe they're trying their best and this is what they've got today. Does that land? Like maybe this is like really what they've got to give right now. That's interesting, right?
Kelle: Yeah, for sure. And I'm even thinking about a work scenario because if someone on your team is continually dropping the ball, you could think that they just suck, right? And they're not good, right?
Nina: That sucks. Totally.
Kelle: Which totally sucks and it feels bad too, right?
Nina: Yeah, totally.
Kelle: Or you could assume positive intent, like they're not meaning to drop the ball. Like maybe they have something going on in their life that is making them not be in at the top of their game.
Nine: Yeah, it's just getting curious, right? Kind of poking holes in that negativity bias. Yeah, this is cool. All right. So that was the four. See what happens when you become aware of them and then one by one work through them. Eliminate them from your repertoire, so to speak.
Kelle: Yes, this is really cool work. It's really fun work and it's game changing and relationship giving. Let us know how this goes. We love hearing from you.
Nina: Yes, email us at kelleandnina@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram. We love your DMs.
Kelle: And if you could think of someone that would benefit from listening to this, we would love it if you would share this episode with them. Share our episodes, share our work with other people. This is our way to like offer value and coaching to all of the people, everyone, even the people that…
Nina: All the Ambitious-Ish people.
Kelle: Yes, all of the Ambitious-Ish people. Like send this on and you'll be helping them out and of course you'll be helping us reach more people. So, thank you.
Nina: Okay, that’s all for today. Thanks all, we’ll see you next time.
Kelle: Yeah, see you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish. Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Enjoy the Show?
Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!