41. 5 Steps To Stop Overthinking and Start Feeling Better
Do you struggle with constantly overthinking everything in your life - at work, at home, in your relationships? Are you stuck in negative thought loops, questioning your decisions and catastrophizing about the future? If this sounds like you, you’re in the right place.
Overthinking is a common struggle, especially during the stressful holiday season when all of the issues in our lives seem magnified. But what exactly is overthinking, why are our brains wired to do it, and what can we do to stop overthinking and actually enjoy the decisions we’ve made?
Tune in this week to discover five simple steps to break free from the cycle of overthinking and negative thoughts. You’ll learn how overthinking keeps you stuck in survival mode, and we share practical tools to calm your mind and feel the kinds of positive emotions you really want more of in your life.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
The 3-part definition of overthinking and how to know if you're doing it.
Why our brains default to negative thoughts and overthinking to keep us safe.
How overthinking and negative thoughts shift us into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
The 5 simple steps to stop overthinking and break out of negative thought loops.
How to create a new believable thought that feels realistic and empowering.
Why you need to practice thinking on purpose to rewire your brain.
How managing your mind and vibration can completely change the results you create in your life.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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40. Escape the Holiday Stress Cycle by Understanding Survival Mode
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Are you struggling with constantly overthinking everything, maybe at work, it’s a colleague or a boss or a project?
Nina: Yeah, maybe at home it’s the what ifs about your son’s learning difference or your partner’s lack of participation in all the holiday to-dos.
Kelle: Maybe in your relationships, you’re constantly questioning yourself and overthinking how you showed up at the cocktail party or didn’t get invited to the cocktail party or said yes to the party and now you’re thinking about how to get out of it?
Nina: Yeah, it’s like, I’m not doing enough. I’m a terrible mom. I can’t do anything right. They don’t like me.
Kelle: These thoughts and thinking patterns have you spiraling into overthinking and negative thought loops and you can’t calm your mind, especially this time of year, the holiday season, when all of our issues are magnified for some reason.
Nina: Yeah. Let’s talk about what exactly overthinking is, why we do it, and how to walk through it in five simple steps.
Kelle: Alright, let’s do this. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. I am so glad we’re talking about overthinking today, Kelle. This is a big one for our clients and something I can totally relate to.
Kelle: Yes. A big reason why we shift into survival mode this time of year is because of our thinking, our mindset.
Nina: Yeah, our default mindset, we should say.
Kelle: Yeah, and in the last episode, we talked about what survival mode is and how it’s a very normal place for our brains to go.
Nina: Right. Our brains are wired for survival, they aren’t wired for happiness. And we explained a lot of that in episode 40. So, check that one out if you missed it, but overthinking is something our brain does to keep us safe. And if we aren’t self-aware, we wind up living a lot of our lives in survival mode, fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
Kelle: Yeah, really quick, I was helping my son with a project, a school project yesterday. And I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how we can make this project better. And then I caught myself, I’m like, “Oh my God, what am I doing?” I’m overthinking about my son’s school project. And all that overthinking, it feels terrible.
Nina: Yes, there is a better way to feel, you all, let’s help you get out of negative thoughts and overthinking so you can actually enjoy the holidays this year.
Kelle: And if you’re not listening to this in real time, you can sub out holiday season for whatever season you’re working through in your life. There is always a season.
Nina: Yeah, we have been there. Everyone has seasons. If you have a human brain, you’ve had negative thoughts and you’ve definitely done some overthinking in your day.
Kelle: Overthinking is a thing. It has a definition. It’s been studied. You are so not alone in your overthinking tendencies. We’re right there with you. And hopefully that brings you some relief knowing that you’re not alone and nothing has gone wrong if you’re overthinking or have negative thoughts.
Nina: Yeah, we both have to manage our minds around our negative thoughts.
Kelle: Negative thoughts are where our brain will most always go. It’s our default thinking. We talked all about default thinking and our brain’s negativity bias in episode 10, it’s called Default Thinking, What You Need to Know. So go back and check that one out for background here.
Nina: Yeah, we define overthinking in three parts. It’s repeatedly thinking negative thoughts and believing them. So, it’s one, repetition, two, that they’re negative, and three, believing that they’re true.
Kelle: So, give that a thought. Overthinking isn’t that you’re thinking too much. It’s that you’re so attached to the negative thoughts that you’re having and believing them and so, they feel so overwhelming and exhausting. And again, you’re believing them. That’s what’s key.
Nina: Yeah, survival mode here. When we’re constantly thinking negative thoughts and scaring the shit out of ourselves or bullying ourselves with our thoughts, we will inevitably find ourselves in survival.
Kelle: Yeah, we talked about this in the last episode. It was all about getting out of survival mode this holiday season, sort of a holiday survival mode 101. And we gave you some remedies to physically regulate your nervous system when you get activated in flight, flight, or freeze.
Nina: Today, we’re talking about the internal work that’s involved in creating common balance when you’re faced with a dumpster fire that can be holiday drama and stress. There’s an internal process that’s really key in shifting out of survival mode too.
Kelle: Yeah, the approach here is head down and also body up. So last week, we talked about the body up approach. Today, it’s head down.
Nina: Yeah, so managing overthinking and negative thoughts starts by understanding what this is. That’s why we like to define things and break them down into smaller pieces so we can be onto ourselves when we start to spiral. So, the way that you start the process of stopping negative thinking and overthinking is being aware of what exactly it is. Are you with me, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, totally and I love this. So, let’s say it one more time. Overthinking is repeatedly thinking negative thoughts and believing them. There are the negative thoughts, the repetition, and believing that they’re true.
Nina: Yeah, so now you’re more aware when you’re overthinking. How about we take a look at what negative thoughts are. Sometimes I’m like, “I don’t have that many negative thoughts,” but when I take a look, I have more than I think.
Kelle: So how do you know if you have negative thoughts? Well, you know if you have a lot of negative emotion because your thoughts create your feelings.
Nina: Yes, this is the one simple truth of our coaching process. Your thoughts create your feelings. So, if you’re feeling a lot of negative emotion, you’re likely thinking a lot of negative thoughts.
Kelle: Yeah, your mindset creates your feelings, not the circumstances around you. We talk about this a lot and we’re redundant when it’s important. It’s not your spouse, your work, your friendships that are making you feel negative emotion. It’s not your boss. It’s not anything that’s happening outside of you. It’s how you’re thinking about those things. Nina, it’s not even the snow outside.
Nina: Yeah. It’s the snow’s fault. No, really, but worry, self-doubt, overwhelm, busy, rushed, disappointed, these feelings are all coming from your thoughts.
Kelle: And listen, nothing’s wrong when we feel these emotions. You just have choice and can decide if this is how you want to feel under the circumstances.
Nina: Yeah, so to bring it back to the holiday season. We want to feel present, connected and grateful this time of year. So, these negative emotions can simply be data indicators that we need to check in on our thoughts because we’re not feeling the way we want to feel right now.
Kelle: Okay, let’s give some examples. How about some examples of negative thoughts from a few clients?
Nina: Sure. Here we go. How about, I can’t keep up. I’m so out of balance right now. I should be able to handle this so much better. I’m a terrible leader, partner, mom, fill in the blank. What if I’m failing? They’re way better than me. I’m constantly behind. I’m always making mistakes. I can’t do anything right. They should appreciate me more.
Kelle: I love that one.
Nina: Work isn’t going so well. I need to be more present with my kids. What is wrong with me? I should have figured this out by now.
Kelle: Yeah. I feel so terrible right now reading that list, how about you? So, let’s shake this off for a sec.
Nina: Yeah, these very low-grade negative thoughts feel benign, but when you think them on repeat, they feel really terrible, right?
Kelle: Yes, and there is a time and place for all of our emotions. If you’ve lost someone close to you, for example, if you have something that’s going on in your life that doesn’t feel good, you feel loss and heartbreak, it totally makes sense. We don’t want to not feel negative emotions when it’s appropriate.
Nina: Yeah, it’s just taking a step back and deciding, is this how I want to feel under my current circumstances in this season, everyday stuff? Not always happy and joyful, but maybe confident, helpful, empowered. That might serve you better than overwhelm, guilt and frustration.
Kelle: So back to why we overthink. Overthinking negative thoughts and believing them is a protective mechanism by our brain. Our brains are wired for survival, not for happiness. And we say this a lot, right?
Nina: Yeah, and this was great when we had to worry about hunting and gathering and survival from threats in tribes on the savannah thousands of years ago.
Kelle: Yeah, the beautiful part of our evolution, though, is our prefrontal cortex where we can intentionally override the primitive brain so, we’ll never get rid of our survival brain. But we do have this executive functioning that we can shift into to think critically and consciously, intentionally, which helps us feel more positive and joyful and empowered.
Nina: Yeah, so we overthink and believe those negative thoughts because our brains are always scanning for danger. It’s looking for the negative. This is our negativity bias so that we’re paying attention to what might harm us, bears and threats. Super useful back then, not so useful now when we code an email from our boss as a threat and overthink their tone of the email and make up a big, catastrophize story, we convince ourselves it is true when really, he just sent an email with words in it.
Kelle: Yeah, I was just talking with a client yesterday and she was feeling protective around her boss, she kind of needed to protect herself. And when she wanted to protect herself, she got kind of small and quiet and not the way that she wanted to show up in front of her boss. And what we talked about is instead of being protective, how do you want to act? How do you want to feel around your boss? And she really wanted to feel expansive and big and confident. And so, this is what we worked on with her, just acting out those actions and also feelings and finding thoughts like, I know exactly what I’m doing.
So, this is a lot of the work that we do with our clients is just checking in on what’s making you act in a way that you don’t want to act and these everyday thoughts that create emotions that aren’t super useful for us. Managing your mind in this intentional way can help you feel so much better.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, we’re responsible for our vibration. We’re responsible for the emotions we feel. And again, the point isn’t to feel happy all the time, but we do have some choice to feel just a little more confident, a little more empowered, solid, resilient, etc.
Kelle: So, let’s talk about implementing this concept. Let’s walk you through our five-step process here.
Nina: Yeah, let’s make sure you walk away with a process to actually feel better in your life this holiday season or whatever season you’re walking through in your life right now so you can practice this work and actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create, right?
Kelle: Awesome. Alright. So, step one, name the emotion you’re feeling. We call this noticing and naming. In these examples, let’s call it overwhelm. So, you are feeling overwhelmed.
Nina: Yeah, this is key, you’re not overwhelmed. It’s not part of your identity. You feel overwhelmed. You have a vibration in your body that’s called overwhelm.
Kelle: And just to go back before we go into the next step, we’ll hear people just say, “I’m a disaster,” or “I’m a dumpster fire,” or “I don’t have it together,” or any of those things and that is something that you are putting on yourself. And so just noticing when you’re saying that. Okay, so step two is, ask yourself, what’s the thought I’m having that’s creating this feeling? And write that thought down. So, use your notes app or grab a piece of paper, whatever you need to do here.
Nina: Yeah, okay. So, step number three, study this thought, get curious about it, question it. When you identify these thoughts, they aren’t facts. All of our thoughts are optional. Thoughts are just sentences in your head. You don’t have to believe it, so, let’s just identify the thought creating that feeling of overwhelm.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s likely something like, I have so much to do and if I don’t do it, it won’t get done or it won’t get done right.
Nina: Yeah, totally. And then step number four is create your next believable thought. Think about how you can think differently to feel better.
Kelle: Alright. And then five, rinse and repeat, practice this. So, practice that next believable thought. It’s sort of like learning a new language, you have to practice this work to really get it.
Nina: Okay, let’s walk through this framework to illustrate what we’re talking about. Let’s get into some examples.
Kelle: Yeah, so let’s first identify the feeling, overwhelm, I feel overwhelmed.
Nina: Yeah, then next, we need to identify the thought creating the feeling of overwhelm. And in this example, it was, if I don’t do it, it won’t get done or get done right.
Kelle: Yes. And then the next step, number three, we question this thought. So, what does done even mean? What does right mean? Why do we think we have to do more? Are you attaching your value to how much you get done? Are you bad if you do less? What would you think about yourself if you were doing more? What if you didn’t have to do any of this? Do you have needs you’re ignoring and why? What about saying no and loving yourself and not showing up having said yes to so much at your own expense?
Nina: Yeah, this is where working with a coach is gold. It’s sort of an art to be able to ask useful questions like this and challenge your old ways of thinking. We love this so much. The more you practice this curiosity, the better you get at it. It’s just taking a critical eye to the thoughts you’re thinking and have thought on repeat for a really long time. And a coach can be super helpful here because we’re not as attached to the stories you’ve been telling yourself and believing for however many years and we can help you question them in a useful way.
Kelle: Okay, step number four is to create the next believable thought. And this isn’t where we go to this toxic positivity like everything is sunshine and rainbows, and I can do it all and smile along the way. Gross.
Nina: Or even think, I’m doing enough when you don’t really believe it. Sometimes that thought isn’t even useful.
Kelle: Yeah. How about this instead, I’m a human with a limited capacity and I know it’s my job to take care of myself first so I can be the best I can be for the most important people and things in my life? This means saying no when I mean no and yes when it’s a full body yes and liking my reason why. I can do less and delegate and still be really, really good at what I do and love and take care of myself along the way.
Nina: I mean, that’s a pretty amazing human.
Kelle: Yes. A messy, imperfect and amazing human, not a robot.
Nina: Yeah, the key is with the next believable thought, you want it to feel good to you, right for you.
Kelle: So, this new thought, write it down. It needs to be practiced and so we write this down and practice it. This is how we rewire your brain. This is how we stop negative thinking. This is how we stop overthinking those negative thoughts.
Nina: Yeah, so let’s try another example. How about when you feel worried? Such a common one and not so useful.
Kelle: No. And this totally resonates for me. I just had a treatment last week and my bloodwork showed that my red count was low. So, what that means is I’m susceptible to infections. My creatinine was also high, which means that it can cause kidney damage and long-term damage. And my oncology team decided to remove one of the chemotherapies that they thought might be causing the issues from my infusion last week. And with that, I had thoughts like, what if I need that one? What if I need that chemotherapy? What if none of this is working? I mean, we haven’t taken any scans. I have no idea. What if I do get sick?
And there’s a lot of what ifs going on and a lot of uncertainty when I project what may happen in the future. And it really helps me to stay present in what’s happening today. So instead, I am choosing to think my oncology team is doing what’s best for me for my long-term health. And the treatment and everything I’m doing is all working, we might as well assume it’s all working. And then today, I’m infection free and actually feeling really good. I actually feel really good today.
Nina: Yeah, this is where we want our brains to go, not to the negativity bias, but we’ve got to be onto ourselves, we’ve got to be really self-aware. I can identify with worry too. So, let me walk through this under different circumstances. I talked about my divorce in episode 39. So, if you want some background here, go check that episode out. But I could totally be going through this process with a lot of worry, overthinking lots of negative thoughts on repeat and believing them. Thoughts like, I won’t get enough in my divorce settlement. What if the kids aren’t okay? Being a single mom is hard. My ex is so unreliable. It could go on and on.
And when I identify these thoughts, they’re totally optional. Some of them feel very, very true, very factual, but these are really just stories my brain is serving me. So, when I take a closer look and get curious, I can poke holes in all of these thoughts and so here’s where I’ve landed. I’m the CEO of my divorce process. No matter what happens, it’s working for me. My business is blowing up and will continue to support me. Nothing he does or doesn’t do is a problem. My settlement doesn’t create safety and security. I can create that now.
And this is one of my favorites. My divorce process is in service of the amazing chapter I call what’s next for me, my kids, and my ex.
Kelle: Yes, I love that so much, so powerful. And nothing has changed outside of you.
Nina: Yeah, totally. I mean, I have to think these thoughts every day to shift out of the what ifs and overthinking negative thoughts on repeat and believe them. I really have to practice this. Here’s another one for worry, this one’s about our business, Kel. Like any entrepreneur, Kelle and I have high impact and low impact cycles in our business. And we can totally source these cycles to our mindsets at that time, right, Kelle?
Kelle: Of course.
Nina: We can totally stay in worry and catastrophize, especially after the year this collab has had.
Kelle: Yes. A lot of life is happening.
Nina: Yeah, but instead, I want to focus on the point B we designed years ago when we started working together. Here’s where I go when it’s about our business and I overthink negative thoughts. The next 12 months of my business will bring me even closer to my work. It will expand what I believe is possible, what I believe I’m capable of, and how connected I feel to the work I do with my clients. I can let go of ways of working that don’t align with who I am. I have more fun each day and know in my soul that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be as I put more of myself and my work into the world.
We are coaches, we are innovators and CEOs, and we’re creating results like never before.
Kelle: Yes, I love all that so much. And listen, we’ve had our best year yet. I was just talking about this with our business coach. We’ve had our best year yet, and we have so much going on outside of work. I mean, if I would have looked at the beginning of the year and known what was happening, I would have been like, “There’s no way we’re going to grow this year. We’re lucky to just maintain what we have.” And we’ve totally grown, and we’ve been able to serve our clients. And it’s just been so powerful for both of us to have this passionate job that we do, this passionate career that we have.
Nina: We never complain about overthinking positive thoughts. So, imagine, listeners, the results you can create when you do this work. When we think on purpose, take responsibility for our vibration, like we said before, and completely change the results we create in our lives by thinking better feeling thoughts.
Kelle: Yeah, so important, such cool work. We love what we do and we’re here for you. And when you’re ready to stop overthinking and start to actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create, we’re so here.
Nina: Yeah, we’re so here for you. So, thanks for being here today. Give this work a try and let us know how it goes.
Kelle: Yeah, let us know how it goes. Thanks all. Take care and see you next time.
Nina: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Yeah, maybe at home it’s the what ifs about your son’s learning difference or your partner’s lack of participation in all the holiday to-dos.
Kelle: Maybe in your relationships, you’re constantly questioning yourself and overthinking how you showed up at the cocktail party or didn’t get invited to the cocktail party or said yes to the party and now you’re thinking about how to get out of it?
Nina: Yeah, it’s like, I’m not doing enough. I’m a terrible mom. I can’t do anything right. They don’t like me.
Kelle: These thoughts and thinking patterns have you spiraling into overthinking and negative thought loops and you can’t calm your mind, especially this time of year, the holiday season, when all of our issues are magnified for some reason.
Nina: Yeah. Let’s talk about what exactly overthinking is, why we do it, and how to walk through it in five simple steps.
Kelle: Alright, let’s do this. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I’m Kelle.
Nina: And I’m Nina. I am so glad we’re talking about overthinking today, Kelle. This is a big one for our clients and something I can totally relate to.
Kelle: Yes. A big reason why we shift into survival mode this time of year is because of our thinking, our mindset.
Nina: Yeah, our default mindset, we should say.
Kelle: Yeah, and in the last episode, we talked about what survival mode is and how it’s a very normal place for our brains to go.
Nina: Right. Our brains are wired for survival, they aren’t wired for happiness. And we explained a lot of that in episode 40. So, check that one out if you missed it, but overthinking is something our brain does to keep us safe. And if we aren’t self-aware, we wind up living a lot of our lives in survival mode, fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
Kelle: Yeah, really quick, I was helping my son with a project, a school project yesterday. And I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how we can make this project better. And then I caught myself, I’m like, “Oh my God, what am I doing?” I’m overthinking about my son’s school project. And all that overthinking, it feels terrible.
Nina: Yes, there is a better way to feel, you all, let’s help you get out of negative thoughts and overthinking so you can actually enjoy the holidays this year.
Kelle: And if you’re not listening to this in real time, you can sub out holiday season for whatever season you’re working through in your life. There is always a season.
Nina: Yeah, we have been there. Everyone has seasons. If you have a human brain, you’ve had negative thoughts and you’ve definitely done some overthinking in your day.
Kelle: Overthinking is a thing. It has a definition. It’s been studied. You are so not alone in your overthinking tendencies. We’re right there with you. And hopefully that brings you some relief knowing that you’re not alone and nothing has gone wrong if you’re overthinking or have negative thoughts.
Nina: Yeah, we both have to manage our minds around our negative thoughts.
Kelle: Negative thoughts are where our brain will most always go. It’s our default thinking. We talked all about default thinking and our brain’s negativity bias in episode 10, it’s called Default Thinking, What You Need to Know. So go back and check that one out for background here.
Nina: Yeah, we define overthinking in three parts. It’s repeatedly thinking negative thoughts and believing them. So, it’s one, repetition, two, that they’re negative, and three, believing that they’re true.
Kelle: So, give that a thought. Overthinking isn’t that you’re thinking too much. It’s that you’re so attached to the negative thoughts that you’re having and believing them and so, they feel so overwhelming and exhausting. And again, you’re believing them. That’s what’s key.
Nina: Yeah, survival mode here. When we’re constantly thinking negative thoughts and scaring the shit out of ourselves or bullying ourselves with our thoughts, we will inevitably find ourselves in survival.
Kelle: Yeah, we talked about this in the last episode. It was all about getting out of survival mode this holiday season, sort of a holiday survival mode 101. And we gave you some remedies to physically regulate your nervous system when you get activated in flight, flight, or freeze.
Nina: Today, we’re talking about the internal work that’s involved in creating common balance when you’re faced with a dumpster fire that can be holiday drama and stress. There’s an internal process that’s really key in shifting out of survival mode too.
Kelle: Yeah, the approach here is head down and also body up. So last week, we talked about the body up approach. Today, it’s head down.
Nina: Yeah, so managing overthinking and negative thoughts starts by understanding what this is. That’s why we like to define things and break them down into smaller pieces so we can be onto ourselves when we start to spiral. So, the way that you start the process of stopping negative thinking and overthinking is being aware of what exactly it is. Are you with me, Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, totally and I love this. So, let’s say it one more time. Overthinking is repeatedly thinking negative thoughts and believing them. There are the negative thoughts, the repetition, and believing that they’re true.
Nina: Yeah, so now you’re more aware when you’re overthinking. How about we take a look at what negative thoughts are. Sometimes I’m like, “I don’t have that many negative thoughts,” but when I take a look, I have more than I think.
Kelle: So how do you know if you have negative thoughts? Well, you know if you have a lot of negative emotion because your thoughts create your feelings.
Nina: Yes, this is the one simple truth of our coaching process. Your thoughts create your feelings. So, if you’re feeling a lot of negative emotion, you’re likely thinking a lot of negative thoughts.
Kelle: Yeah, your mindset creates your feelings, not the circumstances around you. We talk about this a lot and we’re redundant when it’s important. It’s not your spouse, your work, your friendships that are making you feel negative emotion. It’s not your boss. It’s not anything that’s happening outside of you. It’s how you’re thinking about those things. Nina, it’s not even the snow outside.
Nina: Yeah. It’s the snow’s fault. No, really, but worry, self-doubt, overwhelm, busy, rushed, disappointed, these feelings are all coming from your thoughts.
Kelle: And listen, nothing’s wrong when we feel these emotions. You just have choice and can decide if this is how you want to feel under the circumstances.
Nina: Yeah, so to bring it back to the holiday season. We want to feel present, connected and grateful this time of year. So, these negative emotions can simply be data indicators that we need to check in on our thoughts because we’re not feeling the way we want to feel right now.
Kelle: Okay, let’s give some examples. How about some examples of negative thoughts from a few clients?
Nina: Sure. Here we go. How about, I can’t keep up. I’m so out of balance right now. I should be able to handle this so much better. I’m a terrible leader, partner, mom, fill in the blank. What if I’m failing? They’re way better than me. I’m constantly behind. I’m always making mistakes. I can’t do anything right. They should appreciate me more.
Kelle: I love that one.
Nina: Work isn’t going so well. I need to be more present with my kids. What is wrong with me? I should have figured this out by now.
Kelle: Yeah. I feel so terrible right now reading that list, how about you? So, let’s shake this off for a sec.
Nina: Yeah, these very low-grade negative thoughts feel benign, but when you think them on repeat, they feel really terrible, right?
Kelle: Yes, and there is a time and place for all of our emotions. If you’ve lost someone close to you, for example, if you have something that’s going on in your life that doesn’t feel good, you feel loss and heartbreak, it totally makes sense. We don’t want to not feel negative emotions when it’s appropriate.
Nina: Yeah, it’s just taking a step back and deciding, is this how I want to feel under my current circumstances in this season, everyday stuff? Not always happy and joyful, but maybe confident, helpful, empowered. That might serve you better than overwhelm, guilt and frustration.
Kelle: So back to why we overthink. Overthinking negative thoughts and believing them is a protective mechanism by our brain. Our brains are wired for survival, not for happiness. And we say this a lot, right?
Nina: Yeah, and this was great when we had to worry about hunting and gathering and survival from threats in tribes on the savannah thousands of years ago.
Kelle: Yeah, the beautiful part of our evolution, though, is our prefrontal cortex where we can intentionally override the primitive brain so, we’ll never get rid of our survival brain. But we do have this executive functioning that we can shift into to think critically and consciously, intentionally, which helps us feel more positive and joyful and empowered.
Nina: Yeah, so we overthink and believe those negative thoughts because our brains are always scanning for danger. It’s looking for the negative. This is our negativity bias so that we’re paying attention to what might harm us, bears and threats. Super useful back then, not so useful now when we code an email from our boss as a threat and overthink their tone of the email and make up a big, catastrophize story, we convince ourselves it is true when really, he just sent an email with words in it.
Kelle: Yeah, I was just talking with a client yesterday and she was feeling protective around her boss, she kind of needed to protect herself. And when she wanted to protect herself, she got kind of small and quiet and not the way that she wanted to show up in front of her boss. And what we talked about is instead of being protective, how do you want to act? How do you want to feel around your boss? And she really wanted to feel expansive and big and confident. And so, this is what we worked on with her, just acting out those actions and also feelings and finding thoughts like, I know exactly what I’m doing.
So, this is a lot of the work that we do with our clients is just checking in on what’s making you act in a way that you don’t want to act and these everyday thoughts that create emotions that aren’t super useful for us. Managing your mind in this intentional way can help you feel so much better.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, we’re responsible for our vibration. We’re responsible for the emotions we feel. And again, the point isn’t to feel happy all the time, but we do have some choice to feel just a little more confident, a little more empowered, solid, resilient, etc.
Kelle: So, let’s talk about implementing this concept. Let’s walk you through our five-step process here.
Nina: Yeah, let’s make sure you walk away with a process to actually feel better in your life this holiday season or whatever season you’re walking through in your life right now so you can practice this work and actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create, right?
Kelle: Awesome. Alright. So, step one, name the emotion you’re feeling. We call this noticing and naming. In these examples, let’s call it overwhelm. So, you are feeling overwhelmed.
Nina: Yeah, this is key, you’re not overwhelmed. It’s not part of your identity. You feel overwhelmed. You have a vibration in your body that’s called overwhelm.
Kelle: And just to go back before we go into the next step, we’ll hear people just say, “I’m a disaster,” or “I’m a dumpster fire,” or “I don’t have it together,” or any of those things and that is something that you are putting on yourself. And so just noticing when you’re saying that. Okay, so step two is, ask yourself, what’s the thought I’m having that’s creating this feeling? And write that thought down. So, use your notes app or grab a piece of paper, whatever you need to do here.
Nina: Yeah, okay. So, step number three, study this thought, get curious about it, question it. When you identify these thoughts, they aren’t facts. All of our thoughts are optional. Thoughts are just sentences in your head. You don’t have to believe it, so, let’s just identify the thought creating that feeling of overwhelm.
Kelle: Yeah, it’s likely something like, I have so much to do and if I don’t do it, it won’t get done or it won’t get done right.
Nina: Yeah, totally. And then step number four is create your next believable thought. Think about how you can think differently to feel better.
Kelle: Alright. And then five, rinse and repeat, practice this. So, practice that next believable thought. It’s sort of like learning a new language, you have to practice this work to really get it.
Nina: Okay, let’s walk through this framework to illustrate what we’re talking about. Let’s get into some examples.
Kelle: Yeah, so let’s first identify the feeling, overwhelm, I feel overwhelmed.
Nina: Yeah, then next, we need to identify the thought creating the feeling of overwhelm. And in this example, it was, if I don’t do it, it won’t get done or get done right.
Kelle: Yes. And then the next step, number three, we question this thought. So, what does done even mean? What does right mean? Why do we think we have to do more? Are you attaching your value to how much you get done? Are you bad if you do less? What would you think about yourself if you were doing more? What if you didn’t have to do any of this? Do you have needs you’re ignoring and why? What about saying no and loving yourself and not showing up having said yes to so much at your own expense?
Nina: Yeah, this is where working with a coach is gold. It’s sort of an art to be able to ask useful questions like this and challenge your old ways of thinking. We love this so much. The more you practice this curiosity, the better you get at it. It’s just taking a critical eye to the thoughts you’re thinking and have thought on repeat for a really long time. And a coach can be super helpful here because we’re not as attached to the stories you’ve been telling yourself and believing for however many years and we can help you question them in a useful way.
Kelle: Okay, step number four is to create the next believable thought. And this isn’t where we go to this toxic positivity like everything is sunshine and rainbows, and I can do it all and smile along the way. Gross.
Nina: Or even think, I’m doing enough when you don’t really believe it. Sometimes that thought isn’t even useful.
Kelle: Yeah. How about this instead, I’m a human with a limited capacity and I know it’s my job to take care of myself first so I can be the best I can be for the most important people and things in my life? This means saying no when I mean no and yes when it’s a full body yes and liking my reason why. I can do less and delegate and still be really, really good at what I do and love and take care of myself along the way.
Nina: I mean, that’s a pretty amazing human.
Kelle: Yes. A messy, imperfect and amazing human, not a robot.
Nina: Yeah, the key is with the next believable thought, you want it to feel good to you, right for you.
Kelle: So, this new thought, write it down. It needs to be practiced and so we write this down and practice it. This is how we rewire your brain. This is how we stop negative thinking. This is how we stop overthinking those negative thoughts.
Nina: Yeah, so let’s try another example. How about when you feel worried? Such a common one and not so useful.
Kelle: No. And this totally resonates for me. I just had a treatment last week and my bloodwork showed that my red count was low. So, what that means is I’m susceptible to infections. My creatinine was also high, which means that it can cause kidney damage and long-term damage. And my oncology team decided to remove one of the chemotherapies that they thought might be causing the issues from my infusion last week. And with that, I had thoughts like, what if I need that one? What if I need that chemotherapy? What if none of this is working? I mean, we haven’t taken any scans. I have no idea. What if I do get sick?
And there’s a lot of what ifs going on and a lot of uncertainty when I project what may happen in the future. And it really helps me to stay present in what’s happening today. So instead, I am choosing to think my oncology team is doing what’s best for me for my long-term health. And the treatment and everything I’m doing is all working, we might as well assume it’s all working. And then today, I’m infection free and actually feeling really good. I actually feel really good today.
Nina: Yeah, this is where we want our brains to go, not to the negativity bias, but we’ve got to be onto ourselves, we’ve got to be really self-aware. I can identify with worry too. So, let me walk through this under different circumstances. I talked about my divorce in episode 39. So, if you want some background here, go check that episode out. But I could totally be going through this process with a lot of worry, overthinking lots of negative thoughts on repeat and believing them. Thoughts like, I won’t get enough in my divorce settlement. What if the kids aren’t okay? Being a single mom is hard. My ex is so unreliable. It could go on and on.
And when I identify these thoughts, they’re totally optional. Some of them feel very, very true, very factual, but these are really just stories my brain is serving me. So, when I take a closer look and get curious, I can poke holes in all of these thoughts and so here’s where I’ve landed. I’m the CEO of my divorce process. No matter what happens, it’s working for me. My business is blowing up and will continue to support me. Nothing he does or doesn’t do is a problem. My settlement doesn’t create safety and security. I can create that now.
And this is one of my favorites. My divorce process is in service of the amazing chapter I call what’s next for me, my kids, and my ex.
Kelle: Yes, I love that so much, so powerful. And nothing has changed outside of you.
Nina: Yeah, totally. I mean, I have to think these thoughts every day to shift out of the what ifs and overthinking negative thoughts on repeat and believe them. I really have to practice this. Here’s another one for worry, this one’s about our business, Kel. Like any entrepreneur, Kelle and I have high impact and low impact cycles in our business. And we can totally source these cycles to our mindsets at that time, right, Kelle?
Kelle: Of course.
Nina: We can totally stay in worry and catastrophize, especially after the year this collab has had.
Kelle: Yes. A lot of life is happening.
Nina: Yeah, but instead, I want to focus on the point B we designed years ago when we started working together. Here’s where I go when it’s about our business and I overthink negative thoughts. The next 12 months of my business will bring me even closer to my work. It will expand what I believe is possible, what I believe I’m capable of, and how connected I feel to the work I do with my clients. I can let go of ways of working that don’t align with who I am. I have more fun each day and know in my soul that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be as I put more of myself and my work into the world.
We are coaches, we are innovators and CEOs, and we’re creating results like never before.
Kelle: Yes, I love all that so much. And listen, we’ve had our best year yet. I was just talking about this with our business coach. We’ve had our best year yet, and we have so much going on outside of work. I mean, if I would have looked at the beginning of the year and known what was happening, I would have been like, “There’s no way we’re going to grow this year. We’re lucky to just maintain what we have.” And we’ve totally grown, and we’ve been able to serve our clients. And it’s just been so powerful for both of us to have this passionate job that we do, this passionate career that we have.
Nina: We never complain about overthinking positive thoughts. So, imagine, listeners, the results you can create when you do this work. When we think on purpose, take responsibility for our vibration, like we said before, and completely change the results we create in our lives by thinking better feeling thoughts.
Kelle: Yeah, so important, such cool work. We love what we do and we’re here for you. And when you’re ready to stop overthinking and start to actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create, we’re so here.
Nina: Yeah, we’re so here for you. So, thanks for being here today. Give this work a try and let us know how it goes.
Kelle: Yeah, let us know how it goes. Thanks all. Take care and see you next time.
Nina: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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