46. Stop Pretending and Embrace Your Authentic Self
Do you ever find yourself pretending to be someone you're not? Saying you’re fine when you're really not, or acting like you have it all together when deep down you feel like you're falling apart? If so, you're not alone. In today's episode, we dive into the topic of pretending and how it can hold us back from living authentically.
If you struggle to be totally honest with the people around you, this episode is for you. We have our own experiences with pretending, so it’s time to discuss why it's such a common coping mechanism, especially for women. You’ll learn why pretending is often rooted in our need for attachment and survival, but how it can come at the cost of our authenticity and self-trust.
Tune in to learn how to stop the self-betraying act of pretending and start living more authentically. We share practical tips for building self-trust, setting boundaries, and being more honest with yourself and others. Get ready to drop the mask and embrace your true self!
Join us for a Goal-Getting Masterclass on January 16th, 2025 at 11am Mountain Time. This is goal-setting in a way you have never done before, and you can click here to sign up!
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why pretending is a common coping mechanism rooted in our need for attachment and survival.
How pretending can lead to a loss of authenticity and self-trust over time.
The difference between your authentic Capital S Self and your pretending self.
How to start noticing when you're pretending and being more honest with yourself and others.
The BRAVING framework for building self-trust from Brené Brown.
Why setting boundaries and being accountable are key to living authentically.
How to challenge yourself to stop pretending for one full day as a starting point.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle Cobble: Hey, listen, we need to talk. We heard you've been lying to yourself, pretending, playing make-believe to the people around you.
Nina Lynch: You're really hoping people will believe you, right? You're wanting to make them believe that you're one way, when really, deep down, you're not. Maybe that you even feel a certain way, when deep down, you don't.
Kelle: What do we mean by pretending? Little butler lie counts. When someone asks, how are you? And your response is automatic, I'm fine, without even thinking.
Nina: That's the most passive aggressive answer ever, by the way.
Kelle: Right? Or even, I've got it. Have you really? Are you handling it in the way that you want to handle it? With resentment.
Nina: We're guessing this has been going on for a while. The pretending, acting the role of someone you aren't.
Kelle: Yeah, probably years.
Nina: So where did you learn to pretend? What's the upside? Why do you continue to pretend day after day?
Kelle: Yeah, and more importantly, what have you compromised by doing so?
Nina: That's where we're going today. Join us as we talk about how you're not alone if you're pretending and the difference between pretending and being authentic.
Kelle: Yeah, we'll get into why we pretend, how it makes so much sense, how to unsubscribe, and how being vulnerable and authentic changes everything.
Nina: Yeah, we've been wanting to have this conversation for a long time. I'm pumped to share it with you all today.
Kelle: All right, let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Nina: Hey, Kel, how are you today?
Kelle: Okay. Can I just give a little announcement?
Nina: Yes. I would love for you to answer that question. Yes, it's real. Without pretending.
Kelle: Yes. We were just at a workout and I walked in the doors of the workout place.
Nina: And this workout place is like our Cheers, right?
Kelle: Yes, yes. It's called Bow Collective. If you're in Park City, you gotta check it out. It's like community and workout is so awesome. There's a cute shop. Anyway, I walked in the doors and I haven't been there for a very long time. Y'all know if you've been listening that I've been sick with cancer. And this is the first time that I have worked out in a really, really long time. It's been like seven or eight months since I've been to Bow Collective or working out anywhere or being anywhere. Like I just have not been out. And I walked in the door and just really got emotional, started crying, and teared up. Luckily, there was a lovely friend of ours there that gave me a hug and I just got overcome with emotion and I couldn't pretend and just be like, I'm fine, I'm fine. I cried through like half the workout and I saw another friend there and the words came out of my mouth that I'm cancer free. And I mean, I'm gonna start crying again right now. Mic drop. It was just like the most incredible feeling to be able to say that out loud and to like believe it and mean it and to be able to move forward with my life. So y'all are hearing it firsthand right here, babes.
Nina: Okay, this is perfect because this conversation started when Kelle and I were chatting the other day about challenging each other to not lie, to stop pretending for one whole day.
Kelle: Yeah, this is a lot harder than it sounds. It's simple, but it's so not easy. I mean, think about it for a sec. When someone asks you, hey, how are you doing? How honest are you, really?
Nina: Yeah, and I love how you answered that question a minute ago so honestly, and we both started crying. I mean, that doesn't happen in the world anymore. You could have just been like, fine, right? So this actually reminds me of that exercise Martha Beck talks about in her book, Kel, right? The way of integrity.
Kelle: Mm-hmm, I love that book. Yeah, Martha Beck is one of our queens and she challenged herself to not lie for one full year.
Nina: Can you imagine that? I sound like such a dirtbag by like, I mean, but this takes so much self-awareness, this would be really hard to do. So self-awareness and then a lot of vulnerability to actually tell someone how you're really doing instead of the default lie that just falls out of most of us, right?
Kelle: Yeah, Martha explains that a lot of people in her life were kind of taken aback when she started being honest and stopped pretending everything was fine, which is what we're all so used to saying and how we all respond.
Nina: Yeah, you've heard us talk about this before, but women specifically are sort of taught or trained to believe that other people's feelings are more important than our own, to repress our own and just stay quiet, be nice and be polite.
Kelle: That, like big emotions, is impolite.
Nina: Yeah, because we're told our big emotions make people feel uncomfortable. We're sold a BS bill of goods that we can control, change, or fix how other people feel.
Kelle: And God forbid we disappoint them, right? Make them feel uncomfortable or inconvenience them.
Nina: Oh, that one's huge. When we repress our own feelings and truths, it's much more convenient for the people around us, right? And this becomes a habit or more of a coping mechanism, really. Instead of feeling our big emotions in a healthy way and communicating an unmet need, right, getting vulnerable, We repress it all, shove it away, and stuff it down.
Kelle: Yeah, and we pretend everything is fine, right? We act like we're okay, and we become really practiced in this way of being.
Nina: Yeah, I'd go so far as to say most of the tensions and frustrations in our lives stem from the need to act the role of someone we are not.
Kelle: Okay, hang on, take that in for a sec.
Nina: Yeah, we develop this automatic and like compulsive concern for others while ignoring our own needs. And so it makes sense that we become externally focused, right, overdriven multitaskers who feel overly responsible for everything. Based on this conviction that our value is based solely fully on how much we do or give, so as not to disappoint anyone around us.
Kelle: We are allergic to disappointing people, so we pretend to be someone we're not, and in turn we disappoint ourselves.
Nina: Yeah, I was talking to my coach Melissa about this, Kelle, and she asked me, you know, how much pretending do you have to do to be responsible? And that had me stopped for a sec. I realized quite a lot.
Kelle: Yeah, and the rub here is that when we pretend, we're not our authentic selves. Our capital S self, as we like to call it, versus our lowercase s self.
Nina: So pretending happens when we repress our real emotions, our real feelings. And over time, we lose connection to our like capital S self, right? To our intuition and inner knowing, to our self trust. That's why so many women we work with, you know, while life doesn't look all that bad around them, how they feel living it does, and they start to feel really insecure, more insecure and doubtful than an outsider might think, because they've lost connection to their self-trust.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. And they're so hard on themselves in general, but when things get hard, it's even worse.
Nina: And it makes so much sense why they feel so disappointed in themselves, why they're so hard on themselves, they sort of abandon themselves over time by putting everyone else's needs and priorities above their own, and it feels terrible.
Kelle: Yeah. In a way, pretending is a disappearing act. Let's call it like it is.
Nina: We don't do it consciously, rock stars. We don't want you all to think you're culpable here. We do this subconsciously for a reason, a very real reason.
Kelle: Yeah, and this repression that happens when we pretend, this like habitual repression of our true feelings and desires, comes at a cost. It's toxic both emotionally and physically.
Nina: But it's also normalized and celebrated in the world we live in, right? It's kind of considered admirable not to show a lot of anger or sadness, to just muscle through so to speak. This is honorable.
Kelle: So this outward reward we get when we repress who we are and what we need and feel often outweighs the physical and mental toll pretending has on our well-being.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, in crisis we put others ahead of ourselves, sure, right? That makes sense. It's appropriate. But this chronic suppression is not okay.
Kelle: This is like when we hear of a friend's loved one who passed away or even read the obituaries about how the deceased gave everything to her church, her community, her family until the end despite her cancer diagnosis.
Nina: Yeah, it's just celebrated and honored.
Kelle: And we learn this way of being from a very young age. We sort of learn that we're lovable only when we're doing things well. We sort of secure this emotional survival by relinquishing who we are and how we feel.
Nina: But we don't wake up and do this consciously. Again, like wake up and think, today I'm gonna put everyone's needs above my own. Make sure I don't bother anyone with my sadness or anger. I can't wait to just put on a happy face today and stuff down the rest. Yeah.
Kelle: Right, it's very much a subconscious act.
Nina: Yeah, think about a newborn baby. It has zero reservations about screaming and crying about inconveniencing people, right?
Kelle: For sure. And you know that when I walked into the workout place this morning, and I was getting emotional, the first instinct was like, to not actually walk in the second door that you need to walk in where everybody is, I was going to stay out in kind of the shopping lobby area and collect myself. And then I was kind of like, this is what I'm feeling right now. This is a big emotional moment for me and I'm just going to share it because that is what real life is. But when we pretend and hide those emotions and practice this way of being, like stuffing it down, along the way this part of you develops that doesn't think it's okay to fail or be honest, that authentic part of you is buried, it has like literally no voice.
Nina: Yeah, these self-denying personality traits, so honored by society, are all actually coping mechanisms, as you can see. And since we aren't born with them, we can unlearn them.
Kelle: Uh. This is gold.
Nina: Yeah, but first the rub, right? The disappearing act we call pretending happens because of the tension and clash between our two foundational and universal needs. The first is attachment and the second is authenticity.
Nina: Hey, ambitious-ish listeners, it's Nina and Kelle here. We wanted to pop in really quickly and let you know about the who, when, where, why about a new masterclass we're holding on January 16th.
Kelle: Yeah, it's 2025 goal-getting masterclass. It's brand new. We're so excited about it. It's gonna be January 16th, 11 a.m. Mountain Standard Time.
Nina: We are gonna talk about goal-setting in a way you have never done before. So join us on the 16th.
Kelle: Yeah, register using this link, https://bitly.com/2025goalgetting and we'll put a link in the show notes.
Nina: All right, back to this episode.
Kelle: Okay, put on your science hats. We're gonna get a little sciencey here. Stay with us.
Nina: Okay, so attachment in a basic definition is the drive for closeness and proximity to others emotionally and physically. Its primary purpose is to facilitate caretaking or be taken care of. So attachment has so much impact for us humans and our infants specifically, because we're so dependent and immature at birth and remain that way for by far the longest time compared to other mammals and species. So attachment is mandatory for us humans. Without adults to care for us and our impulse to connect to them, we might not survive.
Kelle: Yeah, we expect attachment when we arrive and are born the same way our lungs expect oxygen. It's hardwired into our brains. We're designed to stay close to those without whom we couldn't live.
Nina: Yeah, these attachments override our rational thinking at certain points. Our conscious will and rational thinking attachment is survival.
Kelle: So we learn to do whatever it takes to stay attached to our caregivers for survival, our tribe.
Nina: Yeah, so to keep this again super basic, attachment styles don't expire when we're out of our diapers. These behaviors carry on into adulthood. They're wired into our nervous systems. When we walk into any relationship in our life, our attachment style will show up because that's how we learned how to connect with humans years and years and years ago.
Kelle: Yeah, colleagues, friends, partners, children, every relationship at home, at work, and beyond at the workout place.
Nina: Totally. And so this is interesting, right? Because our other core need is authenticity.
Kelle: Yeah. Let's define that. Okay. Authenticity is the quality of being true to oneself and the capacity to shape one's own life from a deep knowledge of that self.
Nina: Deep knowledge of who you are. Authenticity isn't a luxury for new agers dabbling in self-help, like for reals. Like attachment, it's a drive rooted in survival instincts.
Kelle: Yeah, I like to think of authenticity as knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honoring them.
Nina: Yeah, imagine a deer in the woods. Imagine how long she'd survive if her gut feeling, sensing a predator was suppressed.
Kelle: When we're authentic, we're in self-authorship. We're being true to a sense of self arising from our own true essence. It's not rigid, but expansive and inclusive.
Nina: So the dilemma looks like this. What happens when one non-negotiable need, attachment, is pitted against the other, authenticity.
Kelle: In real life, these circumstances might look like maybe addicted parents, conflict between colleagues at work, or profound unhappiness or despair, and other stresses from society.
Nina: Yet this tension between attachment and authenticity can also surface when we're not being seen and accepted for who we are.
Kelle: At a young age, we're told good kids and good girls don't yell. This carries this like an unintended threat, right?
Nina: And angry kids don't get loved. So being nice, burying anger, and working to be acceptable to our parents may become a child's behavior for survival, which can easily snowball into perfectionism and rigidity later in life. We totally disregard or get cut off from the vulnerable part of ourselves that needs to know there's room to fail or simply just be ordinary.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Okay. Does this land? This makes so much sense to me when it was explained in this way.
Nina: Yeah, totally. And there's a pecking order, right? Right? Attachment will always come first. When faced with the choice to hide your feelings and get the basic care you need versus being your true self and going without that care, the first option will always come without a doubt.
Kelle: Yeah, our real selves, our authentic selves are leveraged bit by bit in this tragic transaction where we secure survival by relinquishing who we are and how we feel.
Nina: Yeah, and as we practice this, being inauthentic and pretending for survival and safety, it becomes our second nature. Our nervous system gets comfortable here, and this becomes our default setting. We pretend.
Kelle: Yeah, we're no longer authentic naturally. These patterns just simply become hardwired. Authenticity doesn't come easily. We become really comfortable pretending.
Nina: Yeah, we're just fine all the time.
Kelle: We're just fine. This perceived need to become what the world demands of us, who the world tells us we should be, becomes entangled in who we are and how we seek acceptance and even love.
Nina: Authenticity becomes something that threatens survival. So we bail on it. We lose connection to it.
Kelle: Yeah, so this tense relationship we have between attachment and authenticity, it needs to be something that we're in relationship with, something to be aware of. If we want to feel better in our lives, if we want to end the disappearing act.
Nina: Yeah, authenticity is my word this year. I think I have two though, really because I think I've personally spent a lot of time pretending, hiding, and acting over the past decade or so, sidelining my needs for truth and honesty and transparency in exchange for crumbs. And more on this in the story behind this part of my life and my divorce in episode 39. But yeah, it's true. When we doubt ourselves, we tolerate crumbs. When we're constantly pretending, we lose sight of our values and needs. And that's when the self-doubt creeps in.
Kelle: When we're not authentic, we don't trust ourselves because we know deep down we're not dealing with the real version of ourselves. We've sort of abandoned that part of ourselves long ago, so we need to reconnect with it and learn to trust ourselves again.
Nina: Yeah, to trust yourself, you need to learn how to have your own back, even when it sucks and feels hard, which it will if you've spent a lot of time pretending. So instead of shitting on yourself or beating yourself up, you understand yourself on another level and have your own back as you move forward in a more aligned and authentic direction.
Kelle: I think building self-trust is driven by a deep sense of authenticity. People trust you and you can trust yourself when, like we said, they know they're dealing with the real you, right?
Nina: Yes. So Brene Brown, one of our queens, is a PhD and has a master's in social work, and has dedicated her life to researching emotions and experiences, as she likes to call them, like trust. Trust isn't exactly an emotion, but a cognitive assessment. And self-trust is the first casualty of failure or mistakes.
Kelle: Right. Yeah, this is so true, especially for the ambitious, smart-driven women we work with, they put so much value on succeeding and not failing that even the smallest fail chips away at their self-trust.
Nina: Yeah, we stop trusting ourselves when we hurt others, get hurt, feel shame, which is almost always optional, or question our worth.
Kelle: Which are all baked in when we realize we've been pretending. Pretending is the intersection here, And it's a crowded intersection full of traffic hard to get out of.
Nina: Yeah. So to step back for a sec, authenticity is developed through self-awareness, right? We have to go deep and understand who we really are. It's coming back to yourself and checking in with yourself first instead of sourcing your needs and answers from the world around you. It's this: what you see is what you get approach. The source of action is you. It's how you stop pretending and end the disappearing act.
Kelle: And then that authenticity helps build self-trust slowly but surely. One foot in front of the other.
Nina: Yes. So what specific behaviors constitute trust? Brene spent over 10 years researching trust to figure this out. So her framework to build trust, to build self-trust is an acronym BRAVING. And this tool has seven elements. This is really cool. We wanted to share it with you guys.
Kelle: Oh yeah, I love this so much. The first is boundaries. Do I respect my own boundaries? Am I clear on what's okay and what's not okay? Okay, so that's the B, boundaries.
Nina: R is reliability. Am I reliable? Do I do what I say I'm going to do?
Kelle: And then A is accountable. Do I own my mistakes? Hold myself accountable? Do I apologize and make amends?
Nina: V is vault. Do I respect the vault and share appropriately? Do I share information that's mine to share? I is integrity. Do I choose courage over comfort? Do I choose what's fun, fast, or easy? Ooh, I have the chills. I just love integrity. This one's so bad-ass.
Kelle: Yes, yes, oh, so good. Okay, N is non-judgment. Y'all, this is so hard. Do I ask for what I need? Am I non-judgmental about needing help? This one is huge for our ambitious-ish clients, right? This is a huge part of the process when we stop pretending.
Nina: And then G, G is generosity. Generosity is sort of like assuming positive intent. It's like you extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Kelle: Yeah, and yourself.
Nina: And yourself, you're generous to yourself too, for sure.
Kelle: Yeah, so all of this goes to support you as you learn to trust yourself and your actions when it comes to protecting what you value instead of betraying yourself or pretending.
Nina: Yeah, so to start, join Kelly and I in the challenge to not lie, to stop pretending for one full day. Start today.
Kelle: Yeah, this is simple, but it is not easy. Like most of the work we do and talk about here on the podcast.
Nina: Yeah, if we want to stop pretending to change any behavior, really, we have to tap into our self-awareness. We can't change what we don't notice.
Kelle: Yeah, so start by just noticing what you're saying yes to, what you're saying no to, and why, how you answer questions, so are you being honest, are you being authentic, and do your answers support your self-trust?
Nina: Okay, I love this. Have fun here and let us know how this goes.
Kelle: Yeah, have fun here and thanks so much for listening.
Nina: Yeah, thanks for being here. See you next time.
Kelle: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina Lynch: You're really hoping people will believe you, right? You're wanting to make them believe that you're one way, when really, deep down, you're not. Maybe that you even feel a certain way, when deep down, you don't.
Kelle: What do we mean by pretending? Little butler lie counts. When someone asks, how are you? And your response is automatic, I'm fine, without even thinking.
Nina: That's the most passive aggressive answer ever, by the way.
Kelle: Right? Or even, I've got it. Have you really? Are you handling it in the way that you want to handle it? With resentment.
Nina: We're guessing this has been going on for a while. The pretending, acting the role of someone you aren't.
Kelle: Yeah, probably years.
Nina: So where did you learn to pretend? What's the upside? Why do you continue to pretend day after day?
Kelle: Yeah, and more importantly, what have you compromised by doing so?
Nina: That's where we're going today. Join us as we talk about how you're not alone if you're pretending and the difference between pretending and being authentic.
Kelle: Yeah, we'll get into why we pretend, how it makes so much sense, how to unsubscribe, and how being vulnerable and authentic changes everything.
Nina: Yeah, we've been wanting to have this conversation for a long time. I'm pumped to share it with you all today.
Kelle: All right, let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Nina: Hey, Kel, how are you today?
Kelle: Okay. Can I just give a little announcement?
Nina: Yes. I would love for you to answer that question. Yes, it's real. Without pretending.
Kelle: Yes. We were just at a workout and I walked in the doors of the workout place.
Nina: And this workout place is like our Cheers, right?
Kelle: Yes, yes. It's called Bow Collective. If you're in Park City, you gotta check it out. It's like community and workout is so awesome. There's a cute shop. Anyway, I walked in the doors and I haven't been there for a very long time. Y'all know if you've been listening that I've been sick with cancer. And this is the first time that I have worked out in a really, really long time. It's been like seven or eight months since I've been to Bow Collective or working out anywhere or being anywhere. Like I just have not been out. And I walked in the door and just really got emotional, started crying, and teared up. Luckily, there was a lovely friend of ours there that gave me a hug and I just got overcome with emotion and I couldn't pretend and just be like, I'm fine, I'm fine. I cried through like half the workout and I saw another friend there and the words came out of my mouth that I'm cancer free. And I mean, I'm gonna start crying again right now. Mic drop. It was just like the most incredible feeling to be able to say that out loud and to like believe it and mean it and to be able to move forward with my life. So y'all are hearing it firsthand right here, babes.
Nina: Okay, this is perfect because this conversation started when Kelle and I were chatting the other day about challenging each other to not lie, to stop pretending for one whole day.
Kelle: Yeah, this is a lot harder than it sounds. It's simple, but it's so not easy. I mean, think about it for a sec. When someone asks you, hey, how are you doing? How honest are you, really?
Nina: Yeah, and I love how you answered that question a minute ago so honestly, and we both started crying. I mean, that doesn't happen in the world anymore. You could have just been like, fine, right? So this actually reminds me of that exercise Martha Beck talks about in her book, Kel, right? The way of integrity.
Kelle: Mm-hmm, I love that book. Yeah, Martha Beck is one of our queens and she challenged herself to not lie for one full year.
Nina: Can you imagine that? I sound like such a dirtbag by like, I mean, but this takes so much self-awareness, this would be really hard to do. So self-awareness and then a lot of vulnerability to actually tell someone how you're really doing instead of the default lie that just falls out of most of us, right?
Kelle: Yeah, Martha explains that a lot of people in her life were kind of taken aback when she started being honest and stopped pretending everything was fine, which is what we're all so used to saying and how we all respond.
Nina: Yeah, you've heard us talk about this before, but women specifically are sort of taught or trained to believe that other people's feelings are more important than our own, to repress our own and just stay quiet, be nice and be polite.
Kelle: That, like big emotions, is impolite.
Nina: Yeah, because we're told our big emotions make people feel uncomfortable. We're sold a BS bill of goods that we can control, change, or fix how other people feel.
Kelle: And God forbid we disappoint them, right? Make them feel uncomfortable or inconvenience them.
Nina: Oh, that one's huge. When we repress our own feelings and truths, it's much more convenient for the people around us, right? And this becomes a habit or more of a coping mechanism, really. Instead of feeling our big emotions in a healthy way and communicating an unmet need, right, getting vulnerable, We repress it all, shove it away, and stuff it down.
Kelle: Yeah, and we pretend everything is fine, right? We act like we're okay, and we become really practiced in this way of being.
Nina: Yeah, I'd go so far as to say most of the tensions and frustrations in our lives stem from the need to act the role of someone we are not.
Kelle: Okay, hang on, take that in for a sec.
Nina: Yeah, we develop this automatic and like compulsive concern for others while ignoring our own needs. And so it makes sense that we become externally focused, right, overdriven multitaskers who feel overly responsible for everything. Based on this conviction that our value is based solely fully on how much we do or give, so as not to disappoint anyone around us.
Kelle: We are allergic to disappointing people, so we pretend to be someone we're not, and in turn we disappoint ourselves.
Nina: Yeah, I was talking to my coach Melissa about this, Kelle, and she asked me, you know, how much pretending do you have to do to be responsible? And that had me stopped for a sec. I realized quite a lot.
Kelle: Yeah, and the rub here is that when we pretend, we're not our authentic selves. Our capital S self, as we like to call it, versus our lowercase s self.
Nina: So pretending happens when we repress our real emotions, our real feelings. And over time, we lose connection to our like capital S self, right? To our intuition and inner knowing, to our self trust. That's why so many women we work with, you know, while life doesn't look all that bad around them, how they feel living it does, and they start to feel really insecure, more insecure and doubtful than an outsider might think, because they've lost connection to their self-trust.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. And they're so hard on themselves in general, but when things get hard, it's even worse.
Nina: And it makes so much sense why they feel so disappointed in themselves, why they're so hard on themselves, they sort of abandon themselves over time by putting everyone else's needs and priorities above their own, and it feels terrible.
Kelle: Yeah. In a way, pretending is a disappearing act. Let's call it like it is.
Nina: We don't do it consciously, rock stars. We don't want you all to think you're culpable here. We do this subconsciously for a reason, a very real reason.
Kelle: Yeah, and this repression that happens when we pretend, this like habitual repression of our true feelings and desires, comes at a cost. It's toxic both emotionally and physically.
Nina: But it's also normalized and celebrated in the world we live in, right? It's kind of considered admirable not to show a lot of anger or sadness, to just muscle through so to speak. This is honorable.
Kelle: So this outward reward we get when we repress who we are and what we need and feel often outweighs the physical and mental toll pretending has on our well-being.
Nina: Yeah, I mean, in crisis we put others ahead of ourselves, sure, right? That makes sense. It's appropriate. But this chronic suppression is not okay.
Kelle: This is like when we hear of a friend's loved one who passed away or even read the obituaries about how the deceased gave everything to her church, her community, her family until the end despite her cancer diagnosis.
Nina: Yeah, it's just celebrated and honored.
Kelle: And we learn this way of being from a very young age. We sort of learn that we're lovable only when we're doing things well. We sort of secure this emotional survival by relinquishing who we are and how we feel.
Nina: But we don't wake up and do this consciously. Again, like wake up and think, today I'm gonna put everyone's needs above my own. Make sure I don't bother anyone with my sadness or anger. I can't wait to just put on a happy face today and stuff down the rest. Yeah.
Kelle: Right, it's very much a subconscious act.
Nina: Yeah, think about a newborn baby. It has zero reservations about screaming and crying about inconveniencing people, right?
Kelle: For sure. And you know that when I walked into the workout place this morning, and I was getting emotional, the first instinct was like, to not actually walk in the second door that you need to walk in where everybody is, I was going to stay out in kind of the shopping lobby area and collect myself. And then I was kind of like, this is what I'm feeling right now. This is a big emotional moment for me and I'm just going to share it because that is what real life is. But when we pretend and hide those emotions and practice this way of being, like stuffing it down, along the way this part of you develops that doesn't think it's okay to fail or be honest, that authentic part of you is buried, it has like literally no voice.
Nina: Yeah, these self-denying personality traits, so honored by society, are all actually coping mechanisms, as you can see. And since we aren't born with them, we can unlearn them.
Kelle: Uh. This is gold.
Nina: Yeah, but first the rub, right? The disappearing act we call pretending happens because of the tension and clash between our two foundational and universal needs. The first is attachment and the second is authenticity.
Nina: Hey, ambitious-ish listeners, it's Nina and Kelle here. We wanted to pop in really quickly and let you know about the who, when, where, why about a new masterclass we're holding on January 16th.
Kelle: Yeah, it's 2025 goal-getting masterclass. It's brand new. We're so excited about it. It's gonna be January 16th, 11 a.m. Mountain Standard Time.
Nina: We are gonna talk about goal-setting in a way you have never done before. So join us on the 16th.
Kelle: Yeah, register using this link, https://bitly.com/2025goalgetting and we'll put a link in the show notes.
Nina: All right, back to this episode.
Kelle: Okay, put on your science hats. We're gonna get a little sciencey here. Stay with us.
Nina: Okay, so attachment in a basic definition is the drive for closeness and proximity to others emotionally and physically. Its primary purpose is to facilitate caretaking or be taken care of. So attachment has so much impact for us humans and our infants specifically, because we're so dependent and immature at birth and remain that way for by far the longest time compared to other mammals and species. So attachment is mandatory for us humans. Without adults to care for us and our impulse to connect to them, we might not survive.
Kelle: Yeah, we expect attachment when we arrive and are born the same way our lungs expect oxygen. It's hardwired into our brains. We're designed to stay close to those without whom we couldn't live.
Nina: Yeah, these attachments override our rational thinking at certain points. Our conscious will and rational thinking attachment is survival.
Kelle: So we learn to do whatever it takes to stay attached to our caregivers for survival, our tribe.
Nina: Yeah, so to keep this again super basic, attachment styles don't expire when we're out of our diapers. These behaviors carry on into adulthood. They're wired into our nervous systems. When we walk into any relationship in our life, our attachment style will show up because that's how we learned how to connect with humans years and years and years ago.
Kelle: Yeah, colleagues, friends, partners, children, every relationship at home, at work, and beyond at the workout place.
Nina: Totally. And so this is interesting, right? Because our other core need is authenticity.
Kelle: Yeah. Let's define that. Okay. Authenticity is the quality of being true to oneself and the capacity to shape one's own life from a deep knowledge of that self.
Nina: Deep knowledge of who you are. Authenticity isn't a luxury for new agers dabbling in self-help, like for reals. Like attachment, it's a drive rooted in survival instincts.
Kelle: Yeah, I like to think of authenticity as knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honoring them.
Nina: Yeah, imagine a deer in the woods. Imagine how long she'd survive if her gut feeling, sensing a predator was suppressed.
Kelle: When we're authentic, we're in self-authorship. We're being true to a sense of self arising from our own true essence. It's not rigid, but expansive and inclusive.
Nina: So the dilemma looks like this. What happens when one non-negotiable need, attachment, is pitted against the other, authenticity.
Kelle: In real life, these circumstances might look like maybe addicted parents, conflict between colleagues at work, or profound unhappiness or despair, and other stresses from society.
Nina: Yet this tension between attachment and authenticity can also surface when we're not being seen and accepted for who we are.
Kelle: At a young age, we're told good kids and good girls don't yell. This carries this like an unintended threat, right?
Nina: And angry kids don't get loved. So being nice, burying anger, and working to be acceptable to our parents may become a child's behavior for survival, which can easily snowball into perfectionism and rigidity later in life. We totally disregard or get cut off from the vulnerable part of ourselves that needs to know there's room to fail or simply just be ordinary.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Okay. Does this land? This makes so much sense to me when it was explained in this way.
Nina: Yeah, totally. And there's a pecking order, right? Right? Attachment will always come first. When faced with the choice to hide your feelings and get the basic care you need versus being your true self and going without that care, the first option will always come without a doubt.
Kelle: Yeah, our real selves, our authentic selves are leveraged bit by bit in this tragic transaction where we secure survival by relinquishing who we are and how we feel.
Nina: Yeah, and as we practice this, being inauthentic and pretending for survival and safety, it becomes our second nature. Our nervous system gets comfortable here, and this becomes our default setting. We pretend.
Kelle: Yeah, we're no longer authentic naturally. These patterns just simply become hardwired. Authenticity doesn't come easily. We become really comfortable pretending.
Nina: Yeah, we're just fine all the time.
Kelle: We're just fine. This perceived need to become what the world demands of us, who the world tells us we should be, becomes entangled in who we are and how we seek acceptance and even love.
Nina: Authenticity becomes something that threatens survival. So we bail on it. We lose connection to it.
Kelle: Yeah, so this tense relationship we have between attachment and authenticity, it needs to be something that we're in relationship with, something to be aware of. If we want to feel better in our lives, if we want to end the disappearing act.
Nina: Yeah, authenticity is my word this year. I think I have two though, really because I think I've personally spent a lot of time pretending, hiding, and acting over the past decade or so, sidelining my needs for truth and honesty and transparency in exchange for crumbs. And more on this in the story behind this part of my life and my divorce in episode 39. But yeah, it's true. When we doubt ourselves, we tolerate crumbs. When we're constantly pretending, we lose sight of our values and needs. And that's when the self-doubt creeps in.
Kelle: When we're not authentic, we don't trust ourselves because we know deep down we're not dealing with the real version of ourselves. We've sort of abandoned that part of ourselves long ago, so we need to reconnect with it and learn to trust ourselves again.
Nina: Yeah, to trust yourself, you need to learn how to have your own back, even when it sucks and feels hard, which it will if you've spent a lot of time pretending. So instead of shitting on yourself or beating yourself up, you understand yourself on another level and have your own back as you move forward in a more aligned and authentic direction.
Kelle: I think building self-trust is driven by a deep sense of authenticity. People trust you and you can trust yourself when, like we said, they know they're dealing with the real you, right?
Nina: Yes. So Brene Brown, one of our queens, is a PhD and has a master's in social work, and has dedicated her life to researching emotions and experiences, as she likes to call them, like trust. Trust isn't exactly an emotion, but a cognitive assessment. And self-trust is the first casualty of failure or mistakes.
Kelle: Right. Yeah, this is so true, especially for the ambitious, smart-driven women we work with, they put so much value on succeeding and not failing that even the smallest fail chips away at their self-trust.
Nina: Yeah, we stop trusting ourselves when we hurt others, get hurt, feel shame, which is almost always optional, or question our worth.
Kelle: Which are all baked in when we realize we've been pretending. Pretending is the intersection here, And it's a crowded intersection full of traffic hard to get out of.
Nina: Yeah. So to step back for a sec, authenticity is developed through self-awareness, right? We have to go deep and understand who we really are. It's coming back to yourself and checking in with yourself first instead of sourcing your needs and answers from the world around you. It's this: what you see is what you get approach. The source of action is you. It's how you stop pretending and end the disappearing act.
Kelle: And then that authenticity helps build self-trust slowly but surely. One foot in front of the other.
Nina: Yes. So what specific behaviors constitute trust? Brene spent over 10 years researching trust to figure this out. So her framework to build trust, to build self-trust is an acronym BRAVING. And this tool has seven elements. This is really cool. We wanted to share it with you guys.
Kelle: Oh yeah, I love this so much. The first is boundaries. Do I respect my own boundaries? Am I clear on what's okay and what's not okay? Okay, so that's the B, boundaries.
Nina: R is reliability. Am I reliable? Do I do what I say I'm going to do?
Kelle: And then A is accountable. Do I own my mistakes? Hold myself accountable? Do I apologize and make amends?
Nina: V is vault. Do I respect the vault and share appropriately? Do I share information that's mine to share? I is integrity. Do I choose courage over comfort? Do I choose what's fun, fast, or easy? Ooh, I have the chills. I just love integrity. This one's so bad-ass.
Kelle: Yes, yes, oh, so good. Okay, N is non-judgment. Y'all, this is so hard. Do I ask for what I need? Am I non-judgmental about needing help? This one is huge for our ambitious-ish clients, right? This is a huge part of the process when we stop pretending.
Nina: And then G, G is generosity. Generosity is sort of like assuming positive intent. It's like you extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Kelle: Yeah, and yourself.
Nina: And yourself, you're generous to yourself too, for sure.
Kelle: Yeah, so all of this goes to support you as you learn to trust yourself and your actions when it comes to protecting what you value instead of betraying yourself or pretending.
Nina: Yeah, so to start, join Kelly and I in the challenge to not lie, to stop pretending for one full day. Start today.
Kelle: Yeah, this is simple, but it is not easy. Like most of the work we do and talk about here on the podcast.
Nina: Yeah, if we want to stop pretending to change any behavior, really, we have to tap into our self-awareness. We can't change what we don't notice.
Kelle: Yeah, so start by just noticing what you're saying yes to, what you're saying no to, and why, how you answer questions, so are you being honest, are you being authentic, and do your answers support your self-trust?
Nina: Okay, I love this. Have fun here and let us know how this goes.
Kelle: Yeah, have fun here and thanks so much for listening.
Nina: Yeah, thanks for being here. See you next time.
Kelle: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to kelleandnina.com. That’s K E L L E and nina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit https://www.kelleandnina.com/ for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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